AIBU and a bit sensitive ... school mums(62 Posts)
I am 21 years old and have 2 children, 7 and 2 yrs old.
my ds goes to the local catholic school. he has 3 best friends at school and they love doing things with each other at the weekends. the 3 other boys go out with the boys mums in alternative weeks and even a sleep over.
but i cant help feel he gets left out, a few weeks ago the boys come running over excited asking if they could sleep over lets say bobs house, and the mum said no sleep over this weekend, fair enough. but then on the Monday my lil boy found out they did have a sleep over.
my sons bday was recently and he wanted to invite them all out for the day with us and then for dinner at ours .. all 3 declined.
am I reading in to it too much to probably think there is an issue with me. the other mums r from a diff lifestyle too .. I don't know if this has anything to do with it.
And I'm also struggling to see how the Catholic school reference is relevant.
Avery Did you mean to be so rude?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
avery that was uncalled for. Women have babies at 14. It happens. I can feel your judge pants strangling you!
Judgy pants. Not judge pants!
To be fair, its probably an age thing - I would probably not gravitate towards someone of your age, im 43 and DD is 8, I have an older DD who is two years older than you Its not that I am being prejudiced, its not that at all but its just that i couldn't imagine that we would have much in common outside the kids. It would have NOTHING to do with your financial status though, not for me anyway, cos im broke I have to say though, i do see this alot at DDs school where the majority of mums are middle class and older. There has been a bit of a shift in uptake for this year though as the school got a bad ofsted report - some of the other mums actually commented on this I think its a good thing, diversity and all that.
So I tend to have playdates that sort of things with the children of mums who i spend time with and have got to know. Not done the sleep over thing yet, but i wouldn't allow dd to have a sleep over with someone i didn't know. It wouldn't be because i had made any judgement - i don't care if someone lives on a council estate or a mansion, if i don't know the parents then it aint gonna happen. Actually, I can think of only two people i would be comfortable letting DD go to for a sleep over - one live in a dead posh house and are actually really lardy dah, but nice people, the other lives in a really rough part of a really rough estate - but she is lovely and I would be more than happy for DD to stay there, she is my age though and my friend. Its the friend bit that is the issue here.
That doesn't make it easy for you if most of the other mums at the school are older. They also may have known each other before? Could you offer one of the boys over for a playdate - ask the mums over for a coffee? say that you feel that the age difference could be a problem - If they are nice people, they will make the effort. I would.
Could you sideline just one of them and ask her for a coffee back at yours one morning? Is there one that seems a bit friendlier than the others? If so, ask in the way of an open invitation - so instead of, would you like to come to mine for coffee today/tomorrow/etc, ask I'd love you to come over for a coffee, what days suit you best? Be a bit assertive, at least you know you have tried your best.
You just need one of them over to see how lovely you and your home are, and that you don't live in the Bronx (no offence to anyone ypwho lives there etc etc..)
Hey, my nephew lives in the Bronx and he is a sweetie.
I knew there would be outrage it was the only thing I could think of! I already put in my disclaimer anyhow
Try and invite the kids one on one. And ask the Mum's to stay for a coffee. See which ones accept and which don't and work on the ones who do.
I suspect that one of the other mothers is the ring leader in this and the others are following her lead when it comes to group events. Work on the others.
So Catholic digs are fine but you can't mention the age? Which is obviously very unusual and might hold the root of the issue?
Why on earth would that be a wind up?!
My Ds is 7, and at a "middle class faith school" (ie faith school in middle class suburb). In terms of what you said - I would be very happy to invite any of his friends round to play, but although would be happy about him going to play at someone's house I didn't know, wouldn't want him play outside unless an adult was watching (ie wouldn't want him playing out with other kids) and would be slightly concerned about going to someone's house I don't know as I wouldn't know what level of supervision there would be. I think mean to exclude your son, not sure what to do about it. Could you go to church and see some of the mums there?
I assumed the op mentioned her age because she thought it might be partly the issue with the other mums, combined possibly with a less expensive address. Tbh it could easily be both.
I agree with whoever suggested inviting one child at a time and trying to get to know their parents one at a time as well. Also, out of school activities such as cubs, good for socialising.
I can sort of understand why she mentions this as it may be that these women are being a bit judgey based on their own interpretation of their religion.
But actually the Catholic Church are often quite supportive of young mothers in such situations as once the deed is done they see the decision to have the child as preferable to an abortion.
I would love it if a 21 year old Mum wanted to be friends with me (35). Would make me feel vicariously young!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I would take one of the mums involved, say to her our son's are best friends and my son would love to have him over to play. However I do appreciate that you don't know me, that I am a young mother and live on a council estate. It oils be perfectly understandable for you to wonder about the type of household and parenting that might be involved. So I would like it if you could let me know a day you are available for an hour to come to our house after school?
It would be VERY difficult to decline that to your face without looking like a knob, and they can't say they are busy every single day of term.
Do not tell your son about it. If they are knobs they may cancel at the last minute and let him down. If they don't then it will be a fab surprise.
What a very rude comment AveryJessup.
I'm in my 30s and there were several girls in my (naice, rural, Outstanding rated, affluent) secondary school who had babies aged 14-16. It happens all the time, everywhere, and is nothing to be ashamed of.
How do they know you're 21?
yes I had my ds at 14, and had 2 by the age of 20 but that's beside th epoint because they r loved and looked after .. but I do wonder if this is the problem. maybe they don't think im older enough to look after 4 7 yr olds ?
the thing is they do know me lol r boys have been friends since nursery.
kiki - for me, it would be your age but please don't think that it would be because i would judge you, i most definately wouldn't - Don't get me wrong, i judge like fuck but i judge on actions not ages. The only thing for me would be, would i have a friendship with someone half my age? So maybe we wouldn't get to the playdate stage. It would be just that - however, i wouldn't exclude you if your ds was friends with my DD. I just tend to socialise with mums my own age, which i guess you tend to socialise with folk your own age.
Because of this, you have to make the effort a bit more but you come across as really mature and a lovely mum, so once they see this maybe they will come round. Another tip - if you can bear it, join the PFA. In my experience it tends to be the less middleclassy type women woh do the pfa (im the secretary at our school - so that says it all ).
Also, you only have to look on the boards here and you'll find loads of threads by people who struggle with school mums - its not just you. I just think that the age gap is the issue but not because people are judging.
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