Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

To want to call the Man I married my Husband

(724 Posts)
Mrsdavidcaruso Sat 02-Nov-13 08:44:21

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

MOIST Sat 02-Nov-13 08:45:56

Yes.

Thesouthernwindisblowing Sat 02-Nov-13 08:46:10

Does it really matter?

Garcia10 Sat 02-Nov-13 08:47:59

YABU.

It really isn't important. And you should like you were rude.

indecisiveandclueless Sat 02-Nov-13 08:48:14

You were rude, she was doing her job.

littlewhitebag Sat 02-Nov-13 08:49:49

Yes you are. I have been married for28 years and cannot think of a time I have ever got annoyed by him being referred to as my partner. That's because he is my partner first and my husband second.

Mrsdavidcaruso Sat 02-Nov-13 08:49:54

No I wasnt rude I was very polite until she gave me a lecture she was rude not me and her job is showing respect to her patients

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Sat 02-Nov-13 08:50:04

‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘

That sounds quite sensible.

smile

FannyFifer Sat 02-Nov-13 08:50:13

It really doesn't matter.

2468Motorway Sat 02-Nov-13 08:50:48

Wow, what a big deal about nothing. YABU.

Boggler Sat 02-Nov-13 08:50:59

Yabu it's really such a non event to get get up about, save your energy for something important.

NotYoMomma Sat 02-Nov-13 08:51:19

(having a husband myself)

you are overthinking it.

when you work ib a pkace when you speakto huge numbers of people with all sorts of situations you get into the habit of using the word that will cause least offence en masse anyway.

I have to ring people up for my job. I have some spiel I need to run through. its very tricky to adjust what I have to say because I am so used to it.

it doesnt matter a jot in the grand scheme of things

DropYourSword Sat 02-Nov-13 08:51:34

Why on earth would you think it was rude?

Bowlersarm Sat 02-Nov-13 08:51:35

I like to use the word husband too. And I like being a wife. But your situation wouldn't annoy me.

amistillsexy Sat 02-Nov-13 08:51:45

I don't think so in this context. As you say, it was a private conversation, and you specifically asked her to use the term 'husband'. I'm pretty sure the NHS has guidance that tells workers to use the terms the patient prefers, as a lot of older people were offended by being called their first names rather than Mrs..... Or Mr.....
I think it would have been courteous to have used the term husband and she chose not to, so ywnbu, she was.

Auntidote Sat 02-Nov-13 08:51:55

Well I don't really blame you for finding sanctimonious excessive-PCness irritating. But YABU to take personal offence and storm out of a meeting about your health.

Your health is more important than the term used to refer incidentally to the man you are married to.

Mrsdavidcaruso Sat 02-Nov-13 08:51:58

Mrs Raj yes in a group environment but not in a 1-2-1

Stropzilla Sat 02-Nov-13 08:52:01

Actually her job is helping to heal her patients. She was using a term as instructed by her employers. Your husband IS your partner. It's an accurate word and you are being a little precious, sorry!

Yabu.

It's not as though you're losing out by being referred to as unmarried. Are you expecting someone to treat you differently when they know you're married? Because they won't, not in this day and age. It makes absolutely no difference.

And, he IS your partner, isn't he? So they're not even using incorrect terminology. You just happen to be married.

FWIW my partner (unmarried) gets referred to as my husband and I don't bat an eyelid. It doesn't matter.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sat 02-Nov-13 08:52:32

"My wife/husband" sounds possessive to me, but DF never used it of DM and vice versa. They were "beloved" to each other, same as DW and I.

Although she occasionally refers to me as "that man" when I've been particularly idiotic.

Foxeym Sat 02-Nov-13 08:52:46

Really??

LilacBreastedRoller Sat 02-Nov-13 08:52:54

YAB ridiculous. Do you always insist on the capital letter you use for 'Husband' too?

FannyFifer Sat 02-Nov-13 08:53:00

The nurse has been told to use that terminology.
I wouldn't show someone respect if they were being rude to me.

msrisotto Sat 02-Nov-13 08:53:09

Get over it, it really isn't offensive, just another word.

I think the 'lecture' the nurse gave you just sounds like an explanation. It's not unreasonable to have a preference for husband over partner where the situation is unambiguous but it's not something that would bother me in the slightest.

To be honest, at the risk of sounding patronising, I would assume you found the situation stressful and have fixated on this niggle. I don't think that's unusual although it may come across as rude.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now