WIBU or was the other parent - library hell(89 Posts)
I take DD (almost 3) to the library a lot. She likes it there and I like books so it works. She is a loud, independent child who needs some social skills. I am under no illusion that she is well-behaved but we are working on it. The librarians love her.
Today there was a little boy (the same age exactly) who was playing too. She had the trains first, wandered off and he started playing with them. There were other trains but he had the 'best' set. She wanted them. She was being a complete PITA but I was removing her, warning her and gave her two time-outs. She knew that the third meant we were leaving. She didn't hit, push or anything like that. She did try to snatch a few times.
The other child also didn't want to share (fine, he had them) but was whining and crying every time she went within two feet. "Daddy, that little boy wants my toy, daddy, that little boy is getting a time-out". Don't get me started on DD being called a boy. He also shouted and screamed at her a couple of times.
Anyhow, she went near him again, no touching, and I said, "one more touch and we are leaving". The Dad said, "are you just going to keep warning or are you going to follow through?" Really angrily. I said, "she's had two time-outs". Then the Dad flounced off saying something PA about not being able to play.
So, vipers, I think we were both a little U. He probably didn't see the time-outs (I removed her from the table to do them) but his child wasn't sharing either and his behaviour wasn't perfect, just different to mine. I was trying, he could see that. I wish, in my hardened, mean heart, I had let DD take the bloody train. Since we got told off anyway.
Maybe we should have just left the moment the issue arose but how will she learn?
I mean if my dd was his ds oh you know what I mean
I agree it is probably because he thought your daughter was older. I have this problem a lot with DS, it is very tempting to make a sign that says being tall and verbal does not give me social maturity. Plus the man sounds like a twat.
I am taking the point about counting the TOs. Maybe one then out in future. It was really low level stuff which I find hard to gauge. If she was really beyond the pale I would have removed her but it was pushing boundary stuff which is difficult. Had I been him, I would have asked DD (DS in his case) to give the other child a turn. That's not everyone's bag though, so I get why he didn't.
Anyway it left me sad for DD and a bit about my terrible parenting so thanks for the reasoned, mixed but fair responses. I can show my face in the library again. I will make DD a badge that says "I am 2" on it
YWbothBU, the little boy was obviously upset and intimidated so maybe you should have given your DD less chances, as you have already said, and the dad should have tried to encourage sharing and not criticised your parenting.
Forget about it and go and make a big shiny badge
,funny: battery on my phone died so slow in responding.
The dad had noticed that OP was dealing with her child , his response suggests he lacks patience and too quick yo jump on a fellow parent .
Fair point about his DS being upset. I am so used to DD, who is fearless and strong, shakes off falls and injuries I may lack some empathy about other people dealing with their own behavior issues with shyness, fear and clinginess.
I just read the thread about the DS who is finding school hard and 'tells tales' and it is getting him ostracized. I suppose we all have our challenges.
Sounds like you did fine. If I was the dad I would have tried to encourage, or rather insisted on, a bit of sharing/turn taking.
If I was you I would have done my best at distraction (time-out doesn't work for us) and if that didn't work I would have left.
How do you know the little boy was the same age btw?
you should have stopped her approaching the boy repeatedly.
Ah if only we were all more like the Dalai Lama!
Sorry that was to San Diego
Pah. PArenting is hard and no one is getting it right all the time. He was a knob to say what he said rather than shoot you the standard grimace of solidarity that is expected in these situations. Your dd sounds like a completely normal 3yo and his ds should have been sharing.
OP my ds is 4 but quite a young four and when we go somewhere i do 3 pre warnings before we get to the place. One before we leave the house, one small reminder on the way and one just before we go in. What i say is "remember how we are to behave. What are the rules?" And he will reply whatever the rules are, usually no touching if in a shop, hold mummy's hand, ask before playing with a toy someone else has, say please and thank you. It depends where we are going. Once he has told me the rules i then ask him what happens if he breaks a rule and he says "we will be leaving straight away" it works for us and ive only ever had to leave a place once and he got the message. I dont do timeouts and 3 chances etc as i think it just gives 2 more chances to be naughty when they know the rules anyway. It might work with your dd
I would have probably said 'Are you going to teach your child to stop being a whiney arse? When you have done that, do come back and tell me how to parent my child - who has not touched your whiney arsed child once'
in my dreams, in reality I'd have stood there gawping at his rudeness
DD isn't yet 3, she didn't belt him over the head with a train or anything, she just wanted the train back that she had, had. Hard concept to grasp (for some children at that age) that although 'she had it first' she'd put it down now someone else has it... some learn this more quickly than other <<they're usually the ones with a zillion toys gripped tightly
Have a , don't give it another thought.
He was a nob.
And he wouldn't have spoken to another father like that.
He wouldn't have felt entitled to.
Aw she's only 2! This is the time when you are teaching them about behaviour etc... and if I saw a parent doing that I wouldn't butt in.
Like you, if I'd been the dad I'd have ask the boy to share nicely.
I'd only be a bit tutty if it was a child a couple of years older tbh. Even then I wouldn't snarl at the parent.
It must be trickier when they look older too. I might get the badge for mine for the opposite reason!
I've been given looks as if I'm being too harsh or expecting too much when talking to DD about behaviour.
She's 2 and a bit, but pretty much looks like newborn DD expect ten times bigger. Still has the chubby baby face and giant fluffy noggin
I want to say "I'm not telling off a baby everyone - she bloody well knows what I'm saying don't let the face fool you!"
The dad probably shouldn't have said anything, but really - 2 time-outs and you were still letting her go back and bother the other kid?
I would have found the repeated warnings, time-outs, and her still trying to take the train the boy was playing with really irritating too and would have been thinking exactly the same in my head.
Not the boy was more than a head shorter than DD and with the speech I thought he was a bloody gifted 1 yo. So, I asked the Dad (when we were on speaking terms, I was being friendly before Traingate) how old he was. Dad said 3 in December, same as DD.
well i have often thought it, but are you one of 'those' annoying parents who are always threatening and never following through? he was rude to say it aloud though. i have an invisible speech bubble over my head instead
'She's 2, ignoring social norms is pretty standard at that age - what's your excuse?'
^^ he was rude not to try to get his child to share and not telling his DS to stop whining everytime another child gets anywhere near him.
<I really, really don't 'do' whiney children>
"and would have been thinking exactly the same in my head."
Exactly. In your head.
You're not rude/ arrogant/ entitled enough to say it out loud, are you?
We all get fed up with other people's parenting methods sometimes. We know that unless they're outright abusive, we probably don't hve the right to comment in public - that's what Mumsnet is for.
Why should the other child have "shared" something he was playing with? I never understand this.
Ah if only we were all more like the Dalai Lama!
I'd still wind him up next time at the library
Chipping in my head I wanted to say, "DD let's not play with the whiney cry baby, or his son". Only because I felt like crying after being told off. I think I felt doubly annoyed because I thought, he was a Dad out with his son, covered in tattoos, so probably gets judged, I'll chat to him. More fool me.
Anyway, next time... warnings before we go in, one TO or telling off, then home if she carries on.
You weren't being unreasonable.....but you kind of were....I think this is an awkward one...clearly a 2 yr old isn't going to share, and play nicely with another toddler. They just aren't. So you kind of know that a timeout ain't never going to work....so you know that sooner or later, dd was going to have to be removed from the situation. So the hanging on until she'd had her requisite timeouts was probably just winding the other parent up (as it would me, tbh)
I do understand the thing about her seeming older, my friend's little boy was in 6 yr old clothing at 18mths! We used to get really dirty looks from other parents when he behaved like the 2 yr old he was!
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