To not let My mother back into our lives again [MNHQ: Trigger warning; physical abuse]

(146 Posts)

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bongobaby Wed 30-Oct-13 15:51:08

I haven't spoken to my mother for a few years due to her toxic ways and abuse, Long history. A few weeks ago I bumped into her unexpectedly and it was awkward to say the least.
Last few nights I have been having flashbacks to my childhood and last night I broke down in my bathroom in tears, unable to catch my breath and slunk to the floor in a heap. A memory of me being a six year child playing with my colouring pens on my own happily sprang into my mind. Because my other siblings wanted the pens and I wouldn't give them up my mother beat me with a belt causing cuts and welts on my legs and back. I was so scared that I ran from the house and 4 miles down the road for help with no shoes on. The police brought me back and when they left she beat me more, after I couldn't sit down on the toilet as it hurt, she made my siblings laugh at me and kick me.
I have closed this memory off, buried it in my mind for years as I am nearly knocking on the door of being forty soon. But it has crushed me, hurt me, made me feel like a selfish little bitch again. That's what she had called me for not sharing. I'm upset even writing this down now as I would never lay a finger on my own dc who means the world to me.
Do I really want this women back in my life again dredging up bad memories? sorry to bleat on, I'm just not feeling good at the moment and weak.

BrokenButNotFinished Fri 31-Jan-14 22:21:29

Incidentally, my mother worked for social services. I remember someone else on here whose abusive mother fostered children with special needs (physical and behavioural). It doesn't surprise me at all that your mother is in a 'caring' profession. It's all about the power... and who will believe you when you try to 'out' them...?

LadyInDisguise Fri 31-Jan-14 22:22:37

bongo you are already a very very strong person!
Look at what you have achieve in your life, look at your children and how you are parenting them. The weak people are the ones who use physical violence on their dcs. But you aren't. And that's because you are the strong one!

Re your fear of self harming again etc... I would have a word with the counsellor about it and explain your fears. This is an important point for him/her to know about.

ScottishInSwitzerland Fri 31-Jan-14 22:38:10

Hi bongo
I just wanted to echo others that you are doing great. What happened to you and your siblings sounds horrific

I was abused as a child. Nothing like as bad as the things you describe. But I also shut it away. I was scared of the dark and used to wake often in the night screaming and thinking somebody was standing over me, or in the doorway, coming to get me.
I think these sort of things are so normal. And understandable. For those who had frightening childhoods.

I have managed to work through a lot of what happened to me. If I'm honest I still have a lot shut away In a box. But I'm not so scared of the dark and I don't have the nightmares any more.

I also have children and I feel one of my big achievements is not passing the abuse on to them. Sure I'm not a perfect mother, who is, but my girls feel loved and secure and nobody will lay a finger on them as long as I'm around to protect them.

So much abuse is passed down generation to generation and you shouldn't down play the wonderful achievement of breaking that cycle and showing your children what a mother should be.

I hope you continue to receive support. And I hope you never see your wicked mother again.

bongobaby Fri 31-Jan-14 22:57:08

Brokenbutnotfinished that's its the denial being a coping mechanism. I'm glad you found a therapist that you could work with,And you opened up. It's true what you say about family and that is why I keep my distance. I have taken comfort in your words.you are strong too.
Newyearchanger that will never happen seeing her again. Moving on and feeling better will take time but I must do it, thank you for being kind.
Fridayfreedom I'm glad that it felt safe and secure when you had your counselling and that it helped. No it wasn't your fault at all.
You have all offered such good support even though some of you have also had trauma in your life's. I take strength from you all who have posted.

bongobaby Fri 31-Jan-14 23:05:18

Scottishinswitzerland I'm sorry that you have gone through abuse. Any kind of child abuse is bad and not our faults at all. And we should never of had to suffer it. You sound like a wonderful mum to your girls and haven't passed on the abuse baton. Children feeling loved and secured is what mothers are put on the earth to do their kids. And I'm glad you are one of them. Thank you from my heart for your post.

Bongo I have not one single doubt in my mind that your DC feels loved and secured too.

cees Fri 31-Jan-14 23:10:20

Reading your posts, they are harrowing just awful, no amount of typing words can express how much I feel for you bongo. Your own mother, your first great love, the one person in the whole world who is supposed to love and support you no matter what was a monster.

You are not a little child with no other support, you can deal with this. Baby steps, keep posting, I'm holding your hand, well me and the rest of Mumsnet.

You can and will get through this, just keep talking, it will help to come to terms with what has happened, even if you think it's utter shit your talking just keep going.

MiscellaneousAssortment Fri 31-Jan-14 23:31:28

I'm so glad you are looking after yourself. The greatest and yet hardest thing is getting help and starting to heal.

Practical advice: don't book stuff so you have to rush off after councelling appointments. Treat each one a bit like a dentists appointment where you'll have treatment done, so no running straight off to pick up dd, or having to talk to people etc. try and build in a bit of a breather afterwards. I found it useful to walk back after through the park, or occasionally meet a very low effort friend for a coffee, or just buying a cupcake on the way he to share with ds. Or making it a ready meal, telly and cuddles evening. I just wanted to shut myself off a bit after, and not think or analyse anything too hard.

flowers

bongobaby Fri 31-Jan-14 23:49:10

Ds is very loved by me and perhaps I am too overprotective of him at times. Friends often say to me that I am of him and its a bit of a running joke how they would feel sorry for anyone that hurt him. I'm like most and ready to fight like a tiger for him. That's one thing I can be grateful to her for is that she has made me a parent who cares,supports, loves and nurtures my ds. All of which she was incapable of doing.
She is a nasty piece of work and would often be drunk at night and in the morning before school we would have to clean her vomit up and wash her whilst she was calling us fucking bitches wish i never had the lot of you.This I would never let my ds do or see me like that.

Mellowandfruitful Fri 31-Jan-14 23:56:23

You have a capacity for love that your mother doesn't, OP. Sorry that you have had such a horrible time of it. But you will have joy in your DS that she will never have, and many years of it ahead of you flowers I hope counselling can help you put all your awful experiences behind you.

bongo that's the only thing you need to be grateful to her for. The fact that you have seen with your own eyes how a bad parent does it and used that information to parent your son in the way that you do.

Then the 'debt' that she thinks you owe her is paid.
She wanted to abort you?
She wishes she'd never had you?

I recently found out that my GF wished my dad had died. I'm in my 40s and I'm numb with that little nugget (like you say, you have to 'lock' it away ) . As a child, your coping mechanisms were incredible.

Your taking the steps now ,

AcrossthePond55 Sat 01-Feb-14 00:49:48

Bongo, just skimmed I must admit, but I just want to say loud and clear: THAT WOMAN IS NOT YOUR MOTHER!!!. She may have given birth to you, but she was never your mother. A mother cares for her children, she doesn't hurt them. You owe her nothing, not a damn thing!

Counseling is a good thing. I hope it helps you.

I thought you may be interested in this obituary. This woman lived in a town around 100 miles from where I live.

"Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick born Jan 4, 1935 and died alone on Aug. 30, 2013. She is survived by her 6 of 8 children whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.

On behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.

Most of us have found peace in helping those who have been exposed to child abuse and hope this message of her final passing can revive our message that abusing children is unforgiveable, shameless, and should not be tolerated in a "humane society". Our greatest wish now, is to stimulate a national movement that mandates a purposeful and dedicated war against child abuse in the United States of America."

Bongo, you are not alone!

Theodorous Sat 01-Feb-14 03:49:03

Can it be reported now? Love to you by the way

DeMontfort Sat 01-Feb-14 04:51:36

My story is nothing like yours but I do remember locking myself in the bathroom while my mother used a hammer to try to break in to get at me. Another time she left the house saying she was going to throw herself under a train and I sat at the top of the stairs, unmoving, for hours.

She is never going to understand the impact that sort of thing had on me. And I'm fed up explaining why I don't have a relationship with her - it always makes me look like an ungrateful daughter! For years if anyone mentioned her, she would appear in a dream and I would wake up in a cold sweat. I have tried to cut her out of my life on several occasions, and managed it for years at a time.

Be strong. You must look forward, not back. I can guarantee that you think about this more than she ever has. And that is an on-going insult to you. Don't give her a chance to indulge in any self-justifying double talk. You know what is real. You know exactly what happened. You were there. And your responses are perfectly natural.

But some of the other guys on here have a point. If you think you are still living the legacy, and having difficulty making and keeping healthy relationships is a direct consequence of the abuse you suffered, then talk to a professional. Imagine if you had a broken leg and didn't get it sorted out because of shame or something like that! Looking after your mind is more important than looking after your teeth! Only people who don't care and don't take the trouble to understand will see it differently, and their opinions don't count.

Thinking of you.

MyBaby1day Sat 01-Feb-14 08:13:47

YADNBU, you don't EVER meet up with her, if you do you cause some welts on her legs this time! angry

bongobaby Sat 01-Feb-14 10:09:29

Imagine if you had a broken leg and didn't get it sorted out because of shame or something. Years ago I broke a bone in my wrist, it was very painful and I ignored it for 6 days. A friend made a fuss and took me to a and e had it x rayed and yes it was broken and put into plaster straight away. The nurse asked me why I didn't come in sooner and how did I manage as it was my dominant hand.
I think now looking back I chose to ignore the pain. She would always say when beating me what are you crying for are you in pain, no your not so shut your fucking mouth. I suppose I became desensitised to pain and would shut it out. She used to beat my step father causing him black eyes, split lips and scratches. He would never fight back and to me watching that it became acceptable to be caused pain and not make a sound about it.

WelshMoth Sat 01-Feb-14 14:48:12

OP my heart aches for that child in you.
Do not let this woman back into your life. She doesn't deserve you.
She doesn't deserve your DC.

I want to give you a safe big hug.

Are you still in contact with your Dad? Your siblings?

WelshMoth Sat 01-Feb-14 14:50:32

Sorry OP - I didnt read click 'all messages'. Im catching up on the rest of your thread now.

bongobaby Sat 01-Feb-14 15:07:26

He was never really present in my life. He would come and go and sometimes I would spend the odd school holidays with him. She got married to my step dad and then they divorced and he died sadly. I don't have a relationship with him as he is selfish and only speaks to me when he has women trouble. He used to beat her up when she was pregnant with me. Bloody pair of them didn't want me when I was in the womb and out of it. I have numerous siblings from seven different mothers through him and I don't have any full siblings at all they are half siblings. All fifteen if them I have never grown up with. And sometime see them from time to time but I feel like an outsider when visiting, no fault of us.
On her side I have only half siblings, we all have different fathers. And it's fucked my head up big time.
I am close to a couple of my siblings still that are local to me and love them dearly.She was embarrassing going around having affairs behind my step dads back and then crying to me about it.

baskingseals Sat 01-Feb-14 15:15:11

Bongo you are doing the right thing.
None of what happened is your fault in any way. How you feel is important, listen and respect yourself. You are precious.
Wishing you all the good things.

WelshMoth Sat 01-Feb-14 17:24:43

Bongo, have you sat and talked things through with your siblings?
Stay close with them, and keep them close. You need their support, and their love. God knows you deserve their love. Well done for breaking the cycle and for seeing that your DC are a gift, to be cherished, and not to be treated the way you were treated.

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