To not let My mother back into our lives again [MNHQ: Trigger warning; physical abuse]

(146 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

bongobaby Wed 30-Oct-13 15:51:08

I haven't spoken to my mother for a few years due to her toxic ways and abuse, Long history. A few weeks ago I bumped into her unexpectedly and it was awkward to say the least.
Last few nights I have been having flashbacks to my childhood and last night I broke down in my bathroom in tears, unable to catch my breath and slunk to the floor in a heap. A memory of me being a six year child playing with my colouring pens on my own happily sprang into my mind. Because my other siblings wanted the pens and I wouldn't give them up my mother beat me with a belt causing cuts and welts on my legs and back. I was so scared that I ran from the house and 4 miles down the road for help with no shoes on. The police brought me back and when they left she beat me more, after I couldn't sit down on the toilet as it hurt, she made my siblings laugh at me and kick me.
I have closed this memory off, buried it in my mind for years as I am nearly knocking on the door of being forty soon. But it has crushed me, hurt me, made me feel like a selfish little bitch again. That's what she had called me for not sharing. I'm upset even writing this down now as I would never lay a finger on my own dc who means the world to me.
Do I really want this women back in my life again dredging up bad memories? sorry to bleat on, I'm just not feeling good at the moment and weak.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Thu 31-Oct-13 12:36:18

please get some proper support for this or it will keep coming back to you and fucking you up. You are worth more and have to believe it, none of this was your fault do not give her head space she does not deserve it. look for a counsellor or some sort of support or therapy to help you make sense of all this and become strong enough to look her in the eye and say NO to having anything at all to do with her, ever.

AnandaTimeIn Thu 31-Oct-13 12:39:44

Oh sweetheart, I just want to pick up the 6-year-old you and hug her.

Please don't berate yourself ("idiot" "I should get a grip") because you have been badly abused.
In fact, you should give yourself a big pat on the back for being a survivor!

I can also vouch for counselling. I had some fantastic counselling part of which came down to helping to heal my inner child.

You so deserve a good life now and in the future, as does your DC.

Oh, and no way should you let your mother back into your life. She threw that chance away years ago and she is responsible for that. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!

FrauMoose Thu 31-Oct-13 12:48:14

Perhaps what the Original Poster is currently feeling is a 'normal' response to the abnormal cruelty that she experienced as a child. What children in such circumstances do - if their cries for help are unheard - is to put the feelings away in a box and carry on as best they can. However events - such as this chance meeting can unlock the old feelings.

I don't think that there is anything the Poster 'should' do. I don't want to tell her anything - except that there are other places where she can make herself heard. But actually talking about the past - when it's that bad - can be really scary and overwhelming. Especially if you are also trying to carry on and parent your own child.

I very much hope that the future can be made better than the past has been.

bongobaby Thu 31-Oct-13 13:16:00

She has never admitted how she treated us and gets angry with one of my siblings when asking who her father is. Chucking her out of the house for daring to ask. My sibling is hurt at this fact that she doesn't know. And my mother seems to relish the hurt is it causing her. Almost like a power over her. We have our suspicions it is a family member and that's why she gets so angry, fucked up I know! And hard to deal with.
She works in a high position of taking care of vulnerable ill patients. How apt as she never cared about her own children!

CailinDana Thu 31-Oct-13 13:23:01

Keep talking bongo. There will always be someone here to listen.

It might help you to find the scared child inside you and give her a big hug. Tell her she will be ok she doesn't need to be afraid any more. You can protect her.

bongobaby Thu 31-Oct-13 13:33:38

Amanda thank you. I'm feeling like that 6 year old girl again and if only back then I got a hug instead of a beating.
It's making me scared, scared to even leave my home today. Like her eyes are on me just waiting to tell me that I'm a little bitch. It has opened up my box of hidden hurt. And I appreciate that I can talk on here without getting on your nerves.
She was an alcoholic and mostly drunk before and after school time. We all used to dred the school bell going at hometime. In the mornings she would vomit into the bin in her bedroom and get us to empty it and then bring her more drink. Even the smell of it in her bedroom is now coming back to me.

HelloBoys Thu 31-Oct-13 13:42:05

I'm going to go at this through another angle.

Suppose you do meet up with her, find out (if you know) re her upbringing etc (this in no way excuses her for what she did to you?

you say she is manipulative - do you think now, as an old lady she wants to apologise? you never know.

I know that an ex-GF of my brother, her mum well she drank and had psychological problems and the daughters were all put into care. Eventually the mother died (not much contact from the daughters but they knew where she was). I do know it affected the ex-GF of my brother a lot though, sadness, not being there for her.

Maybe meet up with aid of counselling and see if you can make sense of it and if it's worth making sense of it. if not then walk away.

Kerosene Thu 31-Oct-13 13:42:58

I'm in the same position as your DC, in that my mum was horribly abused by her twisted arsehole of a mother.

We went completely NC when I was about 8, I think, and I don't regret it at all. I've lost nothing by not having to share my life with a viper. She lost that privilege when she abused my mum, and all the unaffected people bleating that she should be forgiven can go swivel.

In seeing her unexpectedly, you've been gut-punched, so it's not surprising that you're having difficulty processing it all, particularly as all the memories flood back - don't be hard on yourself for your reaction, it's perfectly sane, you're not weak or any other name you're calling yourself. You were right to avoid her, and you know it.

If you can build yourself up toward counselling, it can help - I know it helped my mum, but it takes a lot to get to the stage where you can talk face-to-face about this. If now isn't the time, that's ok too. Keep on with your own life, divorced from her and her poison, loving and caring for your DC. You're a better person, a better mother, than she could ever dream to be.

HelloBoys Thu 31-Oct-13 13:44:25

oh have just seen how she's never admitted how she treated you.

I think if you DO meet up you should tell her you KNOW how she treated you, YOU are not a liar etc.

I think the alcohol supportive groups of drinkers (they help the children) may help you. Good luck.

I had an alcoholic dad but my parents divorced when I was 5 so luckily didn't see much but apparently he didn't hit etc.

HelloBoys Thu 31-Oct-13 13:50:41

Have read through this thread.

I take back what I said. I don't think she deserves anything at all from you.

HOWEVER. I would be tempted to meet up with her, tell her calmly (with a friend or someone) everything she's done to you, ASK her for your sibling re the unknown father and then walk away. she does not sound one bit remorseful.

it is pointless in this case dealing with her problems. I only felt sorry for my dad because, well there were problems due to his childhood.

bongobaby Thu 31-Oct-13 14:21:28

There is nothing in my mind that thinks she would be sorry after causing 40 years of hurt. I guess at first bumping into her it was an awkward moment/shock and reverted me back into being a child again. Maybe wanting to give the benefit of doubt. She absolutely will not tell who my sibling father is to anybody.
My other sibling was beaten a lot worse than me, I also carry the guilt of not protecting them all as being the older sibling. I would huddle us together when one was being beaten and try to cover their ears whilst crying and being scared. But that's not real protection. I should of stopped it.
The more I write this down the more I am beginning to hate this women.

Kerosene Thu 31-Oct-13 14:32:23

No, she should have stopped it. That guilt belongs to her, not you. You were a child - you couldn't have fought off a drunk and angry adult woman. You were forced into being a protector as best you could, and you comforted and helped your siblings in a horrific situation - don't feel guilty for not being Wonder Woman.

bongobaby Thu 31-Oct-13 14:54:00

She had problems due to her childhood, But as others on here have pointed out its not my fault. She could of done better to make the change with her own children.
I have spoken with NAPAC today and they were very helpful in listening over the telephone. I would never of taken this step if it was not for the advice on here, thankyou.

pigletmania Thu 31-Oct-13 14:56:19

Bongo dont give her anymore of you, she does not deserve to lick the bottom of your shoe. Please please do get professional,help, they will help you with these feelings, you don't want to be carrying around this for the rest of your life!

WinterOfOurDiscontent Thu 31-Oct-13 15:57:57

Bongo I truly feel for you. Please do not blame yourself for your mother's despicable behaviour. We're all here for you.

bongobaby Thu 31-Oct-13 16:17:19

Have spoken with one of my siblings and she is adamant that she wants nothing more to do with our mother ever.
I will not allow her to be back in mine and dc's life either. I just hope that she does not phone or come to my door.
I m going to seek counselling to help tidy up my hurt box.
Thank you all for being there for me

HelloBoys Thu 31-Oct-13 16:41:33

I would suggest you seek counselling OP - if only because you MAY bump into her again and if it's stirring up all these feelings and upset/guilt etc then I'd do something about it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may be good for you - as there's an exercise there where you can choose who you let in/out of a box.

It must be very hard to know how to deal with her etc. I got scared bumping into my dad when he'd divorced his 3rd wife and he wasn't even that scary, it was just something I didn't know how to deal with.

I do think (not an excuse at all) that as she didn't get help with the problems with HER childhood then this affected the way she treated you. Not an excuse at all though for her. Good luck.

EldritchCleavage Thu 31-Oct-13 16:44:43

May I just say, bloody well done you for being such a different, better mother to your own children. I hope you are proud of that, you should be.

intitgrand Thu 31-Oct-13 18:58:24

YANBU
She can not be called a mother.

BMW6 Thu 31-Oct-13 19:46:12

Please, please see your GP and get counselling.

Am rooting for you. (((((( HUGS ))))))

pigletmania Thu 31-Oct-13 19:51:58

If she comes tothe door, don't answer it, if she persists call the police. If she calls don't answer, or change your number. I am so pleased you ar considering counselling, really bongo you do need it, you have a big heavy burden tat you need help with

bongobaby Thu 31-Oct-13 20:46:59

After the half term is up I will make an appointment to see my G.P and try to talk this out with a counsellor.
I remember a friend telling me once what a cold person I am. Didn't mean to be. I am very guarded, build up walls around me, withdraw from others and find it hard to trust. All these things/burden will be good to get off my chest to a counsellor.
I hugged my dc so tight today, I love being a mum. SHE was not a Mum.

CailinDana Thu 31-Oct-13 21:17:08

That sounds like a good plan bongo. You might find that you feel worse after counselling at first but over time it will get better. You need to feel comfortable with your counsellor. If after a few sessions you don't feel you "click" with your counsellor then do change to someone else. The relationship is very important.

MadAsFish Thu 31-Oct-13 21:23:08

But other people in my family say "But whatever she has done, she is your mother" You should forgive her.

I say 'fuck that' to this comment - I think that's sentimental claptrap, frankly. I don't care that she gave birth to you, what she did afterwards cancels it all out.
They can forgive her if they feel so inclined. They have no right to tell you what to do or how to feel.
I want to go back in time and take you all away out of it.

HissyFucker Thu 31-Oct-13 21:26:56

Darling, well done for starting this healing journey.

If you ever doubt yourself,look at your DC and remember how much you love them, not in a million years will you ever 'be your mother'

Don't give up on yourself, see this healing all the way through, you're worth that investment.

Keep talking to us, it'll help you open up in RL a bit too!

(((hug)))

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