To not let My mother back into our lives again [MNHQ: Trigger warning; physical abuse]

(146 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

bongobaby Wed 30-Oct-13 15:51:08

I haven't spoken to my mother for a few years due to her toxic ways and abuse, Long history. A few weeks ago I bumped into her unexpectedly and it was awkward to say the least.
Last few nights I have been having flashbacks to my childhood and last night I broke down in my bathroom in tears, unable to catch my breath and slunk to the floor in a heap. A memory of me being a six year child playing with my colouring pens on my own happily sprang into my mind. Because my other siblings wanted the pens and I wouldn't give them up my mother beat me with a belt causing cuts and welts on my legs and back. I was so scared that I ran from the house and 4 miles down the road for help with no shoes on. The police brought me back and when they left she beat me more, after I couldn't sit down on the toilet as it hurt, she made my siblings laugh at me and kick me.
I have closed this memory off, buried it in my mind for years as I am nearly knocking on the door of being forty soon. But it has crushed me, hurt me, made me feel like a selfish little bitch again. That's what she had called me for not sharing. I'm upset even writing this down now as I would never lay a finger on my own dc who means the world to me.
Do I really want this women back in my life again dredging up bad memories? sorry to bleat on, I'm just not feeling good at the moment and weak.

bongobaby Wed 30-Oct-13 17:05:09

we used to live with my step father who passed away, but in my eyes was my dad. My real father separated from my mother when I was a baby and now has numerous children by different women and was never really in my life.
This sounds really bad of me but I manage to not ever go that far or lay a hand on my dc. I feel that if I did that would make me like her.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 30-Oct-13 17:13:41

I would take this as an opportunity to get some counselling to talk it all through. That is all.

There is no reason on earth to let her back in!

bongobaby Wed 30-Oct-13 17:23:30

she cut us out of her life as though I was the one in the wrong and she made no effort to get in touch. I feel like now she wants me to just let her come back because all of a sudden she loves me!!!

BMW6 Wed 30-Oct-13 17:29:16

Please do not let this evil bitch into your life again. You owe her absolutely nothing except contempt.

Please talk to your GP to get counselling. You have survived the most horrific abuse, at the hands of a person who should have been nurturing you.

TBH, I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.

Look after yourself, and your DC.

flowers

BMW6 Wed 30-Oct-13 17:30:30

She doesn't love you all of a sudden, she wants something.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 30-Oct-13 17:31:47

You don't have to do anything she wants. You have choices here. She was bad for you (understatement!) I can't imagine there being any benefit in having her back in your life.

Get counselling though. It can really help with all sorts of different areas of your life. I didn't know how to be even remotely assertive until id had counselling. Its not instant, but some moths later i realised i could say no to people without feeling guilty and as though i was a massive arse.

onetiredmummy Wed 30-Oct-13 17:37:58

OP there's a thread in the Relationships board that may be able to help you, its called 'but we took you to stately homes' & deals with the survivors of abusive or dysfunctional families.

Go to Body & Soul - Relationships - at the minute its on page 2 of the board.

There's lots of advice on how to handle your situation & many posters who have had similar experiences that may be able to help x

myBOYSareBONKERS Wed 30-Oct-13 17:40:59

I am going to be really harsh but she doesn't love you, she just wants someone to look after her in old age.

You and your siblings have ALL cut her out which shows how awful she is.

Seeing her again and having this reaction to it shows what a bad idea it would be to see her again. I would look on this chance meeting as a reminder to NEVER get back in contact with her.

Your children are safe and loved - keep them that way. After all you don't know what her intentions are towards them would be.

bongobaby Wed 30-Oct-13 18:15:27

BMW6 sad but true no she doesn't love me or even herself to of been that way towards her own children. She had a pretty tough upbringing with abuse also, but why would she not want to change the cycle with us.
I think that she will want to draw me in and fuck my head up again.
And for the first time in thinking about all this yes she is an evil bitch I couldn't see that at the time as I felt it was my fault. For years I have suffered with depression and been in dark places in my head.

quoteunquote Wed 30-Oct-13 18:33:42

Move, to the other end of the country, so you never bump into her again.

She sounds very disturbed, none of which is your fault,

Which is why you find it hard to put any of it straight in your mind and dealing with her will rock you , she stole your childhood, sense of security, and peace of mind.

It might seem extreme, but never having to set eyes on someone again, can be a huge relief.

as for letting her into your life again, don't do it, you can't help her, and she doesn't want to help you.

Tulip26 Wed 30-Oct-13 18:41:50

I agree with myboys, she's an old lady who's pushed everyone away and now she's scared she's going to die alone. Deserves it too IMHO. She's got no-one left and she's desperate, let her suffer.

Go to counselling, ring the Samaritans if you need to.

Do not let her back into your life or you will be that scared six-year-old all over again. You have nothing to be scared of anymore hug.

livingzuid Wed 30-Oct-13 19:00:01

OP I am so sorry to read this. Not quite the same situation as you Ofc but I am receiving therapy now for childhood abuse and I have had to cut myself off from my mum to process it all. You are totally justified in doing what you are doing. Counselling is key. Very best of luck to you.

bongobaby Wed 30-Oct-13 19:03:01

Tulip That scared little 6 year old all over again keeps coming back to haunt me. last night I woke up sweating and crying and felt so alone. Damn her for making me feel like this.
quote I don't trust anyone as I feel so insecure and undeserving, she has fucked up my childhood and fucked up my adulthood. But other people in my family say "But whatever she has done, she is your mother" You should forgive her.

OP Becoming a mother does not automatically turn a toxic person into a good person. It's not an automatic step to sainthood. All those people who tell you that you should forgive her because "she is your mother" have no real idea of what it's like to have a toxic parent.

I didn't get it until I had a friend sobbing on my shoulder about her parents, and I began to re-appraise her parents through her eyes. It opened my eyes to the pain that she, and many others like her, has gone through. Never again will I judge anyone who feels they need to cut a parent out of their lives.

I think speaking to a counsellor may help you. I think you do need to talk it out in a safe environment and hopefully begin to heal.

crossparsley Wed 30-Oct-13 19:20:20

But other people in my family say "But whatever she has done, she is your mother" You should forgive her

It may be hard, depending on how close you are to these people, but ignore them. They aren't thinking it through at all.

Other posters will know much more about the psychological reasons why they are saying it but here's a simple way of adding things up:
How bad does seeing her make you feel, even now? Unbearably bad, from your posts.
How bad do other people in your family feel that you don't speak to her - when they even think about it in their daily lives? I bet nothing, in comparison.
How much "better" would they feel if you pretended everything was fine? Again, nothing in comparison with your feelings.

You don't owe anyone a tiny bit of feeling "oh things were a bit bad but it's all fine now" if it costs you your peace of mind. Your feelings are about your self worth and your identity, theirs are just about wanting a worry about someone else "tidied up" (or rather, tidied away).

I'm not criticising them, necessarily - they may be good, kind, well-meaning people. But they don't understand things from your perspective, or they would never ever say that. So on this point, please ignore them.

pizzachickenhotforyou Wed 30-Oct-13 19:28:04

How awful for you. No. Don't let her back into your life. At all. You don't need her. She needs you. She's getting on and all alone and lonely. Your other siblings don't talk to her so what she's done is now hurting her.

You've got your own life now, away from her, you don't rely on her for warmth food comfort clothing etc etc like all children do from their mothers. You're an adult. Think of your DCs, they need you happy. She will make you unhappy to make herself feel better.

if you bump into her again blank her, the evil bitch.

Take care of yourself. You matter and your dcs matter. Not her.

pigletmania Wed 30-Oct-13 19:40:32

Oh bongo flowers and hugs, I woud not let her back in no, go to your GP and ask for counselling, as you really need it. Later on if you are able you could do what appletarts suggested

pigletmania Wed 30-Oct-13 19:46:06

No bongo, yes she is your mother but she should have acted like one. Don't communicate with her o have anything to do with her, if she makes you feel like in one short meeting, think about what she wil make you feel if she were back in your life. She does not deserve your love, she is alone ad needs you, you don't need her. Don't have anything to do with her, get professional help to help you through those feelings

pigletmania Wed 30-Oct-13 19:50:48

She does not love you, she sounds like a good manipulator, who wants you to care for her in her old age. Nasty nasty nasty wicked woman

bongobaby Wed 30-Oct-13 19:51:47

I don't think I will be strong enough to speak to a counsellor in person. On here I can hide behind my computer. I feel okay typing it out to you all.
Even as a baby she said she would go out with her mates and leave me in my cot. To this day as big and grown as I am I am afraid of the dark and sleep with the light on, how bloody pathetic is that?

SinisterBuggyMonth Wed 30-Oct-13 19:53:42

Op yanbu at all. Do not let that woman back into your life.

You actually sound like an amazing person to go through that and break the cycle. flowers

Marylou2 Wed 30-Oct-13 19:55:55

How absolutely terrible for you. Please don't let her back into your life. She hasn't earned the right to be there at all.You have your own family now and she shouldn't be allowed to pollute your life further.Sending you a hug.

pigletmania Wed 30-Oct-13 19:56:23

You are amazing bongo, but you need help it's easier tan you think. I have seen a counsellor myself for depression and feeling suicidal, and it helped so much.

pigletmania Wed 30-Oct-13 19:58:35

Please don't think these things of yourself, you are amazing and great. Your mum abused you when you were a vulnerable child, it was all of her fault.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Wed 30-Oct-13 20:02:58

No! What I hear is a person in pain, in horrible emotional pain. There is no way you should let her come near you again. You are a proper person just like her or anyone else and as such, you need to take care of yourself - any contact with her is Not taking care of you. Think of that little 6 year old inside you, and protect her (& you) from this woman. flowers

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