to think there is a mysogynistic culture of hating MIL/'D'M on Mn?

(123 Posts)
bunchoffives Wed 30-Oct-13 12:30:38

I have seen so many threads where the MIL's or DM's actions seem to be perfectly reasonable (or at least open to interpretation) yet they are accused of committing a heinous crime or they have all sorts of unkind motives attributed to them by angry, self-righteous daughters/daughters in law.

Also, there is a general assumption that DMs/MILs want to control or interfere all the time in their DC's/DGC's lives. Or always want to be with them. On the other hand, if the DM/MIL keep their distance they are accused of being uninterested and neglecting their grandparental duties. They can't win!

Is this attitude a transference of general misogyny in culture at large? Unconsciously adopted by younger women? Or is it more personal than that - younger women feel threatened and that their 'power' and authority is being undermined by older women?

scallopsrmissingAnyFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 13:11:50

I think issues with DMs and MILs are noticed far more than problems with DFs and FILs. Often with problem MILs there is an arse of a FIL in the background too.

NewtRipley Wed 30-Oct-13 13:13:23

OP

>>>> Also, there is a general assumption that DMs/MILs want to control or interfere all the time in their DC's/DGC's lives. Or always want to be with them. On the other hand, if the DM/MIL keep their distance they are accused of being uninterested and neglecting their grandparental duties. They can't win! <<<<<<<

I'd say that many MIL and DM can and do "win", thus proving that there is a middle path between disinterest and over-involvement.

RobinVanPrissy Wed 30-Oct-13 13:13:26

My MIL was a nightmare when I had my first child. MN was the only place I could come and moan unabashedly about her.

I am a feminist. She was bloody annoying. That is all.

WMittens Wed 30-Oct-13 13:15:08

X hates their mother in law, therefore x hates all women.

Your logical leap is astounding. Why would dislike of one individual who happens to be woman, mean a person is misogynistic? That word gets thrown around so much on this forum it's ceased to mean anything (apart from maybe, "bad thing said about a female").

NewtRipley Wed 30-Oct-13 13:15:16

OP

there is ageism on this site. And I agree that ageism, in general, is directed much more towards older women than it is older men.

I'm not sure I've seen that on MIL threads though

Idespair Wed 30-Oct-13 13:16:01

Dil and Mil disagreeing is mysogyny confused ?

Scarymuff Wed 30-Oct-13 13:16:49

I can't see how it's misogyny just because some women don't always get on with some other women. There are far more threads about relationships between couples and they are, equally, quite individual circumstances.

Btw I have the most amazing MIL and often post about her. She is a great role model and I've learned a lot from her. My own mum? Not so much.

SeaSickSal Wed 30-Oct-13 13:16:50

I think to many posters the MIL as the mother of a man instantly becomes the enemy and a handmaiden of the patriarchy. So I think it's misandry rather than misogyny and I think some posters on here have a streak of that.

fairy1303 Wed 30-Oct-13 13:19:22

For me, many 'run of the mill daily issues' become heinous, hideous issues because my MIL does these things ALL THE TIME.

Life is all about perspective. There will always be two sides to every story, but MN is a place to sound off, rant, and gain some perspective and opinions of others, so people will post about the incidents that have upset them.

squoosh Wed 30-Oct-13 13:20:18

YABU.

Obviously.

scallopsrmissingAnyFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 13:23:51

It is misogyny SeaSickSal - that the mother is responsible for a man's crappy behaviour (as opposed to the father).

But you raise a good point that often in those threads problems are compounded by the partners actions (or more often inactions) towards his parents and enabling the setting up of the battleground for MIL/DIL because he isn't dealing with the problems.

Yermina Wed 30-Oct-13 13:24:27

YANBU

I think there are many posters who are deeply intolerant of what I see as just idiosyncrasies when it comes to MIL's (and I'm not one myself).

My MIL has said tactless things to me and has made comments that I could have chosen to chew over and hold against her for years, but I choose not to - because nobody is perfect and one day I might be the one with my foot in my mouth and an over sensitive DIL.

AgentZigzag Wed 30-Oct-13 13:24:46

What kind of relationship do you/did you have with your mum or MIL if you have one OP?

springylippy Wed 30-Oct-13 13:25:54

I think you're right. Toxic individuals notwithstanding.

We need some new fairy tales, turning the current fairytales on their head. One's where it's the young woman who loathes the older woman just for what she represents. I've seen plenty of it in rl as well as on here.

I agree that it's mysogyny. Also ageism (which goes largely unchecked in rl and on here).

WooWooOwl Wed 30-Oct-13 13:36:55

YANBU.

By your reasoning, you are being mysogynistic towards people who complain about their MILs and DILs.

WooWooOwl Wed 30-Oct-13 13:37:10

Meant YABU!

SeaSickSal Wed 30-Oct-13 13:54:44

I think there is also a tendency from a lot of posters who think they are being 'supportive' to instantly assume that the poster speaks absolute gospel.

In reality there is another human being involved who isn't perfect and may be trying to get things right.

Sometimes you get a poster who seems wildly aggressive, unhinged and a bit paranoid who's angry about her tea towels being hung in the wrong place and you get the impression they may not be a walk in the park in real life. But rather than getting sensible advice about how the situation can be calmly resolved you have posters coming on saying 'ooh she's a bitch, ban her from the house, stop her seeing the kids, disinvite her from your wedding'.

Amber76 Wed 30-Oct-13 13:58:09

I don't like my MIL - I think it comes down to control. She had four sons and doesn't get on particularly well with any of her 4 DILS. Before we arrived she controlled a lot of family stuff and was the one to organise things.
Example - my son is being christened this weekend. She phoned me yesterday to TELL me that she has organised a christening cake. I told her that I organised this weeks ago and she should have consulted me first - she got huffy about it. This isn't me being misogynistic - its an annoying situation created by her. No fil issues because he stays out of these things. Fwiw I get on well with older aunts, etc.

Mine is manipulative. She is sulky, she is drama lama, she is suffocating, passive aggressive, just aggressive, pfb with dh, pfb with dd1, presently barely acknowledging baby dd2, rude, incorrigible, narcissistic, witch of a step mum, racist, DM loving, difficult and exhausting. She proudly states she gets on better with men (because women are smarter than to befriend her methinks), and generally a pita.

Sometimes she's loving, funny, approachable, warm and nice. Then ^ returns.... Sometimes a bitch has a few mins off, but she's often just a bitch. That's HUMAN not mysoginistic!

I think people are more likely to ask for opinions on IL relationships online because they need the opinion of an outsider and are less likely to be able to talk to their spouses. No more and no less than that.

AdoraBell Wed 30-Oct-13 14:24:40

I don't like my MIL because she insists on treating DH and myself like we are errant children, and actual children like they are monsters.

I dislike my FIL because he's an agressive controlling cunt of a bully who controls his wife to such an extent that she bullies others in order to keep them under control so as to avoid the rath of FIL.

I struggle to see How this is misoginisic on my part. Or the DIL who no longer has contact, or the one who is ordered to address MIL as Mum and FIL as Dad.

YABU.

Twiggy71 Wed 30-Oct-13 14:38:54

YABU

My ex/mil is a self obsessed, domineering, controlling woman. She opted out of having a relationship with her dgc on my exh and my side whereas still being very close to her other dgc.

And you know what her ds turned into her eventually even though he hates his own dm.

Happy for me though i will be divorced from h before the end of the year.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Wed 30-Oct-13 14:46:00

Is this attitude a transference of general misogyny in culture at large?

I would say it all relates to living in a patriarchy society.

(1) most women have less power outside of the house and because they do most the housework/wifework/child care in their own home, they are accustomed to having the final say on these types of task. bring two women together who are both invested in the rest of the family, and their different views will become apparent.

(2) it is socially acceptable for women (and men) to dislike other women and express this dislike in misogynistic terms.

happydaze77 Wed 30-Oct-13 14:49:05

younger women feel threatened and that their 'power' and authority is being undermined by older women?
??
THAT is a very ageist comment. Why should a mother not be the one in charge of her own children?! It's her child, not the grandmother's. Older doesn't always mean wiser. There is some horrific advice being given by some older generations, under the guise of 'it's what we did in our day'.

A good MIL (and I am sure there are many of them) will be supportive but not judgemental and would certainly NOT even entertain the idea of any kind of power struggle.

Strumpetron Wed 30-Oct-13 14:50:16

Yes let's blame everything bad we do on the patriarchy because women are so unable to make bad decisions and act unreasonably so it must be the male influence hmm

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