To wonder what my MIL was up to

(77 Posts)
RunningKatie Tue 29-Oct-13 14:24:17

I had a sickness bug last week, couldn't move out of bed/off the sofa for 2 days.

PIL very kindly came up and looked after the DC's one day for me. They took them out (and took 11 month old DS for a macdonalds) and brought them back midafternoon.

They were then playing upstairs in Dd's room, and i could hear MIL going through her chest of drawers and talking to FIL.

AIBU to think this is a bit cheeky? They love going factory shop shopping and are forever buying the DC's things they don't need or that really aren't my taste. We have told them that we have all we need and it doesn't stop them sad

She said nothing to me so i have no idea what she was up to. I am well aware dd's clothes need a sort out as she's had a growth spurt but there was also a stack of stuff to go away as i'd been to busy puking to iron.

It's still annoying me 5 days on.

ladymariner Thu 31-Oct-13 10:40:43

Somebody drives 200 miles to provide childcare and does your ironing whilst the children nap and they're still in the wrong????? You find it intrusive? Ffs, she can't win, can she.....perhaps she should just stay at home and then you could write about how unhelpful she is and what a rubbish mil you've been saddled with shock

DIYapprentice Thu 31-Oct-13 09:44:46

Oh now the jumper thing is REALLY annoying....

One of the problems here is that YOU know what your MIL is like, what her facial expression is when she enters the house, whether she does a 'sizing the place up' look around when she walks into rooms, etc.

We don't.

So a MIL who walks in and has no judgmental expressions on her face, makes no judgmental comments at all, could go and pop something in your DD's drawer without you thinking anything untoward.

Yet a MIL who gives a little sniff when she walks into the lounge room, or whose eyes dwells on the breakfast dishes in the sink when in the kitchen, or who gives off 'that' vibe (and I think most people here know exactly what vibe I'm talking about!!!) - well if THEY open a drawer, your mind wanders towards a negative connotation.

Workberk Thu 31-Oct-13 09:12:06

YABU, I think you feel embarrassed that the room was a mess and that's why you still feel annoyed.

Your PILs aren't perfect but they don't HAVE to buy your children anything at all... Remember that.

fluffyraggies Thu 31-Oct-13 08:15:49

They're not listening are they OP? sad

It's not much to ask. It's little things like this that go on and on that can spoil a relationship with parents or in laws. How hard can it be to just think 'right, DD/DIL said no jumpers - i'll ask her if the GC need socks/scarves/gloves etc'?

Morloth Thu 31-Oct-13 08:03:40

Bizarre to go through them and not tidy.

I had assumed she was just one of those busy hands type people.

So chatting and tidying and folding etc.

RunningKatie Wed 30-Oct-13 19:32:28

Sadly she didn't tidy the drawers out but starting this thread has been the kick up the backside i needed and they are now done. smile

I could hear the drawers being opened and closed everlong. At the time i thought she'd noticed the pile of too-small summer clothes on the top of the chest and had been putting them away. So I'd forgotten till i went upstairs and found the jumper drawer stuck open with a cardi hanging out and realised the other clothes were still there. That's when i thought "bizarre".

I won't buy more winter coats, they aren't my choice but they fit and i'll attempt a conversation to find out if they want to be the winter coat buyers, i remember my granny liked buying them.

We have asked them to let us know if they are planning a shopping trip so we can ensure they get the right sizes etc., but we've not got there yet.

I know i sound controlling but i just wish she'd listen. My DM is an amazing knitter but has sadly had cancer and been unable to make things. Recently she has been well and started doing jumpers again, which i love. Both Dh and i separately mentioned it to Mil, saying to please not buy jumpers as we have an excess. Next time we see her we were given 4 shop bought jumpers.sad

brettgirl2 Wed 30-Oct-13 16:32:36

She probably was just being helpful but yanbu op. My mil who on occasion drives a round trip of 200 miles to provide emergency childcare has a habit of doing my ironing at nap time. Oh yes, her intentions are good but I find it intrusive (ducks for flaming), its not that I'm ungrateful, I'm not, she's wonderful...... its just the way I feel about it.

everlong Wed 30-Oct-13 14:51:24

How do you know she was looking through the drawers though?

Ok bunchoffives I don't know, I wasn't there, but whether she was rummaging or just looking I still think it is rude and an invasion of privacy to look in drawers in other peoples houses (unless given permission of course).

I am not MIL bashing by the way, I would think anyone who opened drawers in my house was an ignorant git. If it's not your house you behave appropriately and respect the owners of the house and their belongings regardless of whether of not you had done them a favour.

Then again I am not nosy myself. It would not occur to me to overstep boundaries in that way so perhaps that is why I would be offended if someone did it to me.

WhoNickedMyName Wed 30-Oct-13 12:21:27

Wow - you're still ruminating on this and feeling annoyed 5 days later? That's very unhealthy for you.

Probably better to spend some time and energy now figuring out why exactly your MIL pushes your buttons so easily, and work out how to stop that happening - whether that's by confronting her at the time she's upsetting you by buying the children a winter coat, or developing some techniques to just let it go.

She's probably going to be your MIL for a long time so you need to sort this out now, otherwise you're going to make yourself ill with all this paranoia and angst.

SueDoku Wed 30-Oct-13 12:16:09

Why not invite her round one afternoon with an excuse such as, 'I've been trying to sort out all the DC's clothes, but with them running round it's so difficult - a second pair of hands would be really useful'?

That way, she sees all the clothes, you control where she looks, you demonstrate that you do actually usually keep things tidy unlike me and you're able to veto any suggestions for unsuitable stuff/tell her what you are planning to buy... wink

I'd love it if my DIL did that - as moon said, I've got disposable income now, but rarely buy my DGC clothes for fear of getting 'the wrong thing'...

And I have used MrsTP's mantra all my adult life - it's the only one that makes sense... grin

zippey Wed 30-Oct-13 12:06:50

Sorry, but what is wrong with McDonalds? Calssic tasty burgers, nuggets and fries... beautiful. (Other fast food restaurants are available)

bunchoffives Wed 30-Oct-13 12:02:13

littlegrey How do you know they were rummaging? Perhaps they were looking for a change of clothes or pyjamas or putting stuff away/folding etc..

Twoandtwomakeschaos Wed 30-Oct-13 11:43:33

Op If your relationship is otherwise good with them, why not simply ask then to check with you if they intend to buy clothes, so you don't duplicate? My PiLs often buy the children clothes and, though not always what I would have chosen, they arrive with gift receipts so I cpuld change them if I felt so strongly about them.

gotthemoononastick Wed 30-Oct-13 11:43:20

Thinking of opening a "library" of kiddie clothes,where grans can come and ooh and ah! and borrow them for a week to look at.

The aisles are always full of us milling about wondering if things would be acceptable,even though they are chosen with so much love.

Maybe a clever person could start a site like pinterest where we can go to look and discuss and imagine,rather than actually buy and causing aggravation.

Things are so cute now and we have a little disposable income at last!

Understandable that Mums want to dress to their own taste..The grandmother love is an over encompassing strange and fierce thing,though,you will see one day.

Twoandtwomakeschaos Wed 30-Oct-13 11:39:08

MrsTerry I am going to adopt that position!

glastocat Wed 30-Oct-13 11:25:56

God some of you are hard work! I'm sure she thought she was being helpful, why be so quick to jump to a negative interpretation? And alright, mcds isn't fab, but I doubt if an 11 month old was tucking into a Big Mac!

Pigsmummy Wed 30-Oct-13 11:19:54

I have drawers full of clothes that they can rummage through and they can take my DD off my hands for a few hours. Shall I send you my address? Seriously don't worry about the state of the drawers, they where probably having a nose, if they buy stuff that you don't like them give it away. Hope you are feeling better now.

liquidstate Wed 30-Oct-13 11:14:21

I think something like a winters coat is different to a jumper or trousers in my opinion. You are less likely to have several coats. I would be annoyed if my MIL bought a coat without asking me, particularly if it was a different style to the one I was going to buy.

I would be extremely annoyed at Mac Donalds and I would definitely be having words about it being unacceptable.

The only thing that would have annoyed me about any of that would have been the McDonalds.

MIL buys the DDs a lot of clothes. I don't always like them that much. I say thank you, and they wear them anyway. Especially when we're going to hers.

Crowler Wed 30-Oct-13 10:37:37

Giving an 11-month old McDonalds - that's a transgression.

My precious first born was probably 3 when he first had it, Not because my husband and I are virtuous, but because it's easy.

I don't think OP is taking her in laws for granted; she says they were very kind to mind her children. However, being very kind does not give you the right to invade other people's privacy. No normal person thinks it is ok to go through someone else's drawers and cupboards do they?

I personally don't visit my inlaws and have a good rummage through their stuff. I keep to the sitting room, bathroom, guest room and kitchen because it is not my house.

Maybe I am just horribly repressed and should be busy hoking about in all their stuff next time I visit? confused

bunchoffives Wed 30-Oct-13 10:14:37

^You have to face this undermining of your position straight on or it gets worse.^Hairy

Are you serious? They'd looked after the DC all day, fed them, brought them home and played with them because OP was ill. And you'd be up for a confrontation because they'd undermined her by looking in some drawers and going McDs?

How utterly selfish and self-obsessed. Ever heard of not taking people for granted?

Harryhairypig Wed 30-Oct-13 09:56:02

get the coats you want as well. mils can be spares and tell her you had picked them already. I would get really annoyed at the fact they ignored you about macD's too. You should just have askedif she was looking for something. in particular in drawers as loads of stuff is waiting to go away. You have to face this undermining of your position straight on or it gets worse.

OnemorevoiceforAF Wed 30-Oct-13 09:09:04

I think you should pay for emergency child care next time.

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