AIBU to just give up

(67 Posts)
FunkyDiamonds Mon 28-Oct-13 14:20:28

I am sitting here crying and I have no hope, I don't have anybody to talk to as I have no friends at all and I know I never will have. I don't know where to start, basically I have anxiety and depression and I feel as though I have no future, I probably won't ever be a mum (which makes me desperately sad) and I probably won't ever have a job or friends or any sort of normal life. I'm in my late twenties and its too late for me now, I have no work experience or qualifications so even if I miraculously got better, nobody would hire me. But that's beside the point as I can't see myself ever being in the position where I'd be able to speak to people and actually go into work or go to appointments. I just feel like there's no point. I live with my boyfriend and he suffers with depression himself but despite this, he hasn't got a lot of sympathy, he gets into really horrid moods and says quite hurtful things and then as quickly as he gets into these moods he suddenly gets out of it without a sorry or any acknowledgement of what he's said, and he expects me to just forget and get on with it. I know it's because of his depression so I try to be understanding and I know it's not his fault he has dark moods, but I'm not allowed to show my feelings around him as it will trigger one of his moods, he gets mad or ignores me if I cry (even if I go off to the bathroom quietly so he won't know, if he notices he gets huffy) if I'm anxious or worried he tells me I have to snap out of it, he said it today and I said to him "how would you feel if I told you to snap out of your depression" (I didn't mean that I would ever tell him to snap out of it as it feels horrible to be told that) he got really angry and said how his ex wife used to tell him that and made me feel horrible, he told me I could fuck off if I was going to say that to him! I tried to explain that I was asking him to put himself in my shoes when he says that to me but he just carried on effing and jeffing to himself as if he couldn't hear me (he does that a lot...and twists things I've said, although I don't think he does it on purpose) he told me he didn't want to be with me (but, again he says that every time he has one of these moods) and that I'm too much trouble. I can't go out anywhere without him but to be fair he says he wouldn't let me anyway even if I wanted to! Also when I am feeling depressed and I'm finding it difficult to keep it in, like saturday when I couldn't find it in me to get out of bed, I try so hard to still be nice when he speaks to me but he keeps asking me if I'm still in a pissy mood, I tell him in a polite way I'm not pissy just having a bad day...but 10 minutes later, he asks if I'm still pissy and when I'm going to snap out of it! And he turns it into something it isn't, like Saturday, he thought I was in bed because I didn't want to be with him anymore I tried so many times to tell him I do want to be with him, and it had nothing to do with that but he ignored me each time and carried on saying he'd help me pack my things and threatening to take me to my parents house. He got in a huge mood and I had to force myself to pretend I was ok. He gives me mixed messages too, he tells me how he'd love to have children with me one minute but the next dashes my hopes completely, I feel like I'll never be a mum and I feel so empty and sad inside. The way Im describing it, it sounds like a horrible environment for a child, I know, but it isn't always this way....but I know it's not suitable and I'll never have children and I'll be too old soon anyway. I have posted here before wondering whether it would even be fair to have children considering my MH but when I was writing that, I was in denial about my partner wanting a family with me, he chops and changes his mind and I stupidly live in lala land and go along with his good moods, ignoring the bad as I'm so desperate. This is why I was so depressed on the weekend as I came to the realisation that I'd never have children and that my partner would never want a family with me. I even accept him lying to me about pretty major things and ignore it when I know he's lying as I don't want to rock the boat or upset him. I've wasted my entire life and I have no future. I didn't intend to spend this entire time complaining about my partner, I know it's not fair to talk about him this way and I love him so much, he's the only one outside of my family who I've been able to actually speak to comfortably but I feel like he doesn't respect me and therefore doesn't respect my mental illness, it might be due to him being older (he does talk to me like a child sometimes, he makes all the decisions and he doesn't listen to me or respect my opinion) or maybe (probably) I don't deserve respect, it feels as though he belittles my feelings as if its a competition between us who has the worst MH issues and because I can't see my dr and so also don't take medication I must be well. I don't even know if he loves me I don't think he does but I love him and I'll look after him however I can and couldn't bear the thought of not being with him and not knowing whether he was ok and if he was lonely. I just want him to love me and care about me and want to be with me, he doesn't even really want to have sex, i don't have anything he wants. After his mood today, he went out its been a couple of hours now and he's just texted me in a normal cheery way while I've been upset and alone but i have to reply and hide my feelings or he will go back into his mood and threaten to break up with me again and that's the worst thing, it kills me though that he doesn't care how I feel or just doesn't want to know about it so he never will know and I'll keep it inside. Sorry I know it's too long for most people to want to read especially seeing as people don't come on here to be moaned at, but I have no one to open up to and even if nobody reads this, at least I've let it out now. And this isn't a suicidal post, I don't have the guts to do that, I'm just trapped in this life. Sorry everyone.

MrsBonkers Thu 31-Oct-13 02:56:54

Depression is shit isn't it?
I hope you're doing okay today.
I'm glad you came back to update us. Your last post sounded much more positive. Even if you can't manage all those things right now, just thinking about them is a step in the right direction.
If you do consider volunteering, maybe you could dog walk for a recue? It gets you out there, but not on your own and animals don't ask questions or want you to be cheery! Plus I find fresh air and exercise really help with my depression.
The best advice I Had for recovery was 'Be kind to yourself.' For me that meant lots of sleep and not giving myself a hard time about the things I couldn't face or do.

So, be kind to yourself.

MrsMook Thu 31-Oct-13 02:26:19

I'm glad that you're beginin to see some path to creating a little progress. Writing it down for the Dr is a great step forwards, and can get you into a better position to sort out your other concerns.

Another vote for voluntary work to build up your experience and self esteem. There's so many things you could do so you can find something of interest. I'm not sure of the details, but there are organisations that help match volunteers to work.

I think you need to move on from the boyfriend. He is grinding you down and crushing you and using his depression as an excuse. You are proof that you can be loving while depressed. He is not. He has no incentive to change and be nice to you and you deserve so much more than that. There is someone out there with love to give to you when you are ready to find them.

I know many people who have made or drifted into difficult positions in their 20s or whose lives have had a slow start, but have blossomed into their 30s as they know what they want, and it's taken that time to be ready to take positive action.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Thu 31-Oct-13 01:52:32

Anxiety is absolutely crippling, I totally get how hard everyday must be for you.

Try and get that email done and sent off... A step towards the help that you need to get a bit better

And I'm not sure what to suggest practically with the b/friend... But he's not doing you any good is he? Depressed does not mean nasty... And what you're writing here does not sound like he's very nice or caring. Getting out of a bad situation can do wonders for mental health x

Annakin31 Thu 31-Oct-13 01:41:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyDiamonds Wed 30-Oct-13 22:57:54

Oh and thank you for pointing me in the direction of the mental health and the relationship boards, I will be using them smile

FunkyDiamonds Wed 30-Oct-13 22:55:06

Hello everyone, I just wanted to thank you all so much for your replies. I'm sorry I didn't come straight back to the thread, I had gotten myself worked up to a state after my partner came home but I read all of the responses and they have helped me to feel more positive, you've encouraged me to make baby steps, I've written an email to mind and I think I'm going to send a letter to my gp! I'll also look at that online CBT programme as that would be brilliant! Thank you so much for your stories and support and encouragement thanks I really do feel more positive now! Also I wanted to apologise if I offended anyone when I said I was too old to have children, I meant that in my circumstances it would take forever to be in the situation where I'd be able to start a family, but I know if I start taking steps now I could get to the point where I'm able to start a family whether in my 30's or 40's! As for my partner, I know deep down that it's not good for me, I don't feel like I can leave right now or make such a big change (and I can't help worrying about him) but I know I need to help myself and then when I'm in a better place I can take steps to become more independent and I might even be able to support him as a friend better than I can now, I agree at the moment we are both drowning and can't help each other so I need to take the first step. Everything you've all said makes so much sense now, my mind doesn't feel as clouded and dark! Xx

rabbitlady Tue 29-Oct-13 17:35:33

you write really well, so with regard to your having no qualifications etc, that will be something you can fix. one baby step at a time is the way to go.
you are young. honestly. think of life as a continuum that goes for many to around 90. you've got plenty of time to make changes.
i'm nearly twice your age and today I decided I need a fresh start.
hugs for you.
ask your gp to put you forward for counselling. get some antidepressants (I've got some. they make me giggle and not give a damn).
one teeny tiny step at a time start building the life you want. tiny steps. make a plan.
lots of good wishes.

RainbowSpiral Tue 29-Oct-13 15:38:16

Sending big hugs. I hope you are still reading. Do try and get to the doctor. You could write down a few sentences which say where you are at to take with you as a prompt. It may help you to temporarily take anti-ds. Try and think how you would feel about that. Good luck.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 29-Oct-13 13:40:46

Your bf sounds horrible, sorry. Throughout reading your post all I heard was that he doesn't let you go out, he doesn't respect your opinion and makes all the decisions
and blames all his moods on his depression or you, like an excuse. He's abusive and controlling.

I was in a similar position with anxiety and not feeling able to go to the GP. I ended up writing a letter to my doctor and got a lovely letter back which gave me the confidence to make the appointment and go.
Why don't you try it?

Funky how are you today?

OTheHugeManatee Tue 29-Oct-13 13:21:11

Your partner sounds like an utter arse. I'm sorry you're having such a shit time. Maybe time to LTB and find someone who likes you and actually wants you to be happy?

This is an online CBT programme that was linked to on an NHS website.
Maybe it might be something you can look at too.

https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Writing here is a good first step. You can email the Samaritans if you don't feel comfortable talking
jo@samaritans.org

I think writing things down for your GP could help. That way you don't need to interact more than you feel able.

ZillionChocolate Tue 29-Oct-13 11:40:01

You are still young and shouldn't feel like you can never achieve any of the things you want. It's going to feel overwhelming to try and get from where you are to where you want to be, but as someone above said, taking baby steps and being proud of what you can do is important. You sound like a kind person and I'm sure you've got a lot to give. It doesn't sound like you're getting much from your partner.

Coupon Tue 29-Oct-13 11:29:11

How are you FunkyDiamonds?

ksrwr Tue 29-Oct-13 10:11:55

Hi funkydiamonds, i was just wondering how you are today?

misty75 Mon 28-Oct-13 19:52:08

And please don't feel you'll never be able to work. I understand you're probably not confident enough to right now, but when you're feeling brave enough, and you will be at some point, try voluntary work - it's the best possible way for those of us who've been out of employment due to anxiety and depression and other mental health conditions for some time to find a way back into work.

You'd probably find some of your fellow volunteers have very similar stories to yours, and that they're also lovely people getting back on their feet after difficult times, who are as kind, empathic and in need of friends as you are.

Once you'd gained experience in this way it wouldn't matter nearly so much that there was a gap in your work history. The organisation you volunteered for might have a paid role you could apply for, and they'd already know about your employment gap and be proud about how you'd blossomed and grateful to keep you on as a valuable team member once you were ready for paid work.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 28-Oct-13 19:12:50

OP, believe me you are not too old for any of the things you list in your post.
You are a few months away from realising your goals all it needs is for you to believe and set the wheels in motion.
Have been where you are my love, now it is a distant memory, but most of it I don't remember.
There are lots of caring and helpful people on here who can help you, please keep posting.

misty75 Mon 28-Oct-13 19:07:38

It's not too late for anything, FunkyDiamonds. You've still got most of your life ahead of you. More about that in a min.

It's easy to put up with bad treatment from a partner when you have anxiety and depression, as it's so hard to work out if you deserve better. So, for now, rather than asking yourself 'Do I deserve this,' which risks sending you into a fog of self-blame, ask yourself 'Would I treat someone like that?' 'Do I respect people who treat others like that?' 'Would I approve of a stranger who treats his partner like that?'

I'm sure your answers to all those questions would be 'No.' Because you're clearly a kind, compassionate, caring person with values and empathy.

You both have depression, but you don't treat him like crap and undermine his confidence, do you? So his depression's no excuse. Especially since you're bending over backwards to please him. What do you get in return? You're clearly tolerant and accommodating, but it doesn't sound as though he deserves you to be so tolerant of his nonsense. It is perfectly fair for you to talk about him in this way. It would be perfectly fair if you called him all the names under the sun, quite frankly.

It worries me that this is your first serious relationship, and that he's older than you. You feel you couldn't manage without him, but that is because he has emotionally abused you and cruelly taken away your confidence and made you dependent on him.

You're still young. I felt my life was over and that it was too late for anything good to happen when I was in my late 20s, after an abusive relationship. I couldn't work due to anxiety and depression, and thought I never would again; I thought it was too late to meet someone and sort my life out in time to have kids, I thought I'd never sort anything out. I'm 38 now and my life is a million times better, even though I still have anxiety and depression on and off and possibly will have all my life. I'd like to have a nice partner, (and have had some good and bad relationships over the years) but I'm grateful every day that I'm in charge of my own life without some fuckwit putting me down and making me feel like shit. How dare he? I've still got no kids, but it's still not too late even at my age, and if it doesn't happen I can still be happy.

And so can you. I know it's really hard to make friends when you're feeling like this, because it's so hard to find the confidence to meet people. Posting on here is a brilliant start though, because it's social contact with nice people, which should help your confidence and help you realise that you are a lovely person who people will respond positively to.

thanks cake wine

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Mon 28-Oct-13 18:52:21

Education can be one or two classes in rl and university online

APartridgeAmongThePigeons Mon 28-Oct-13 18:47:25

Some people suffer from depression and some people are are knobs.

The two aren't related . he is a knob. Leave him. And you won't have kids if you stay with him, he's wasting your your time.

Get yourself back in to education get a job you feel good about and can support yourself and a child on.

You don't need a man for children

Coupon Mon 28-Oct-13 18:40:14

If you're able to email some organisations for advice then it would be a good start. MIND, Women's Aid and The Samaritans have been mentioned above.

For legal advice, and information on finance, benefits and housing, you could contact the Citizens Advice Bureau.

I have been where you are (minus the not so DP)
Couldn't go outside, couldn't speak to people, had panic attacks right left and centre... I thought I'd never get better and I wanted to die.
What helped me was;
Taking anti d's
Lots and lots of CBT
Taking pride in the little things I did manage to do (posting on here is something you should feel proud about) as opposed to all the things I couldn't do, IYSWIM?
Sleep, lots of it
Excercise
Decent food

It does sound like your DP is exacerbating your anxiety.

And bit by bit I got better.

You can too but you are going to have to be brave and get to your GP. Writing everything down before I went helped me as without pointers I just wept at every appointment.

All the very best, you can have the life you want if you fight really hard for it.

You say late twenties? I was 34 & 36 when had my kids. Have I missed a medical condition in all your post? I know women in 40s with babies to. So, put that way your potentially only half way through!

I would suggest LTB tho. Life might be crap but I think he's making it a darn sight harder than it needs to be.

brass Mon 28-Oct-13 16:20:47

Having depression does not make someone mean & nasty. They're very, very different things.

yes!

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