AIBU to just give up

[FunkyDiamonds]

I am sitting here crying and I have no hope, I don't have anybody to talk to as I have no friends at all and I know I never will have. I don't know where to start, basically I have anxiety and depression and I feel as though I have no future, I probably won't ever be a mum (which makes me desperately sad) and I probably won't ever have a job or friends or any sort of normal life. I'm in my late twenties and its too late for me now, I have no work experience or qualifications so even if I miraculously got better, nobody would hire me. But that's beside the point as I can't see myself ever being in the position where I'd be able to speak to people and actually go into work or go to appointments. I just feel like there's no point. I live with my boyfriend and he suffers with depression himself but despite this, he hasn't got a lot of sympathy, he gets into really horrid moods and says quite hurtful things and then as quickly as he gets into these moods he suddenly gets out of it without a sorry or any acknowledgement of what he's said, and he expects me to just forget and get on with it. I know it's because of his depression so I try to be understanding and I know it's not his fault he has dark moods, but I'm not allowed to show my feelings around him as it will trigger one of his moods, he gets mad or ignores me if I cry (even if I go off to the bathroom quietly so he won't know, if he notices he gets huffy) if I'm anxious or worried he tells me I have to snap out of it, he said it today and I said to him "how would you feel if I told you to snap out of your depression" (I didn't mean that I would ever tell him to snap out of it as it feels horrible to be told that) he got really angry and said how his ex wife used to tell him that and made me feel horrible, he told me I could fuck off if I was going to say that to him! I tried to explain that I was asking him to put himself in my shoes when he says that to me but he just carried on effing and jeffing to himself as if he couldn't hear me (he does that a lot...and twists things I've said, although I don't think he does it on purpose) he told me he didn't want to be with me (but, again he says that every time he has one of these moods) and that I'm too much trouble. I can't go out anywhere without him but to be fair he says he wouldn't let me anyway even if I wanted to! Also when I am feeling depressed and I'm finding it difficult to keep it in, like saturday when I couldn't find it in me to get out of bed, I try so hard to still be nice when he speaks to me but he keeps asking me if I'm still in a pissy mood, I tell him in a polite way I'm not pissy just having a bad day...but 10 minutes later, he asks if I'm still pissy and when I'm going to snap out of it! And he turns it into something it isn't, like Saturday, he thought I was in bed because I didn't want to be with him anymore I tried so many times to tell him I do want to be with him, and it had nothing to do with that but he ignored me each time and carried on saying he'd help me pack my things and threatening to take me to my parents house. He got in a huge mood and I had to force myself to pretend I was ok. He gives me mixed messages too, he tells me how he'd love to have children with me one minute but the next dashes my hopes completely, I feel like I'll never be a mum and I feel so empty and sad inside. The way Im describing it, it sounds like a horrible environment for a child, I know, but it isn't always this way....but I know it's not suitable and I'll never have children and I'll be too old soon anyway. I have posted here before wondering whether it would even be fair to have children considering my MH but when I was writing that, I was in denial about my partner wanting a family with me, he chops and changes his mind and I stupidly live in lala land and go along with his good moods, ignoring the bad as I'm so desperate. This is why I was so depressed on the weekend as I came to the realisation that I'd never have children and that my partner would never want a family with me. I even accept him lying to me about pretty major things and ignore it when I know he's lying as I don't want to rock the boat or upset him. I've wasted my entire life and I have no future. I didn't intend to spend this entire time complaining about my partner, I know it's not fair to talk about him this way and I love him so much, he's the only one outside of my family who I've been able to actually speak to comfortably but I feel like he doesn't respect me and therefore doesn't respect my mental illness, it might be due to him being older (he does talk to me like a child sometimes, he makes all the decisions and he doesn't listen to me or respect my opinion) or maybe (probably) I don't deserve respect, it feels as though he belittles my feelings as if its a competition between us who has the worst MH issues and because I can't see my dr and so also don't take medication I must be well. I don't even know if he loves me I don't think he does but I love him and I'll look after him however I can and couldn't bear the thought of not being with him and not knowing whether he was ok and if he was lonely. I just want him to love me and care about me and want to be with me, he doesn't even really want to have sex, i don't have anything he wants. After his mood today, he went out its been a couple of hours now and he's just texted me in a normal cheery way while I've been upset and alone but i have to reply and hide my feelings or he will go back into his mood and threaten to break up with me again and that's the worst thing, it kills me though that he doesn't care how I feel or just doesn't want to know about it so he never will know and I'll keep it inside. Sorry I know it's too long for most people to want to read especially seeing as people don't come on here to be moaned at, but I have no one to open up to and even if nobody reads this, at least I've let it out now. And this isn't a suicidal post, I don't have the guts to do that, I'm just trapped in this life. Sorry everyone.

[FunkyDiamonds]

Oh my gosh I didn't realise how long it was, I'm so sorry it was all pent up inside. I'm sure nobody will actually read all that, sorry!

[Coupon]

Why can't you see your doctor or take medication? Could you see a counsellor?

[FunkyDiamonds]

I could see one physically but I'm so anxious I can't make an appointment I'm too scared, I feel shaky just posting on here I probably shouldn't have come on, sorry.

[DevilsRoulette]

Wow. You really needed to get that out, didn't you?
xx

ok, the first thing I would say is that I think you should seriously consider whether your relationship is good for you. I think it may not be and it may be of great help for you to leave if being with someone is making you miserable.

Next I would say to go to your gp and ask for help. Why 'can't' you go to your doctor?

Finally I would say that you need to break down your problems and look at them individually and without your default being negative. I can't. I'll never. I won't... you don't stand a chance of changing if you tell yourself things can never change. You aren't so much trapped as trapping yourself.

They can change but you have to change them. You can get help but you need to go and ask for it.

[DevilsRoulette]

x post.

What are you anxious about? Making the appointment? Leaving the house? Telling the gp how you feel?

[FunkyDiamonds]

Thank you devilsroulette I'm anxious about all of that and more, I can't sleep at night when I know I have to see somebody I worry constantly. My anxiety is mostly around meeting/being around other people and I can't cope with it (I know I'm sorry for saying I can't again!)

[FunkyDiamonds]

Thank you for reading all that and for your advice!

[DevilsRoulette]

You need help. You know that, don't you? This is no life for you.

Can you access online support at least in the short term? Small steps. Get so you feel safe to talk on line before thinking of the next step?

[TwoLeftSocks]

Goodness, those words really do sound like they've been bottled up a long time!

Firstly, you're so not wasting anyones time here. Not at all. Post as much as you like.

I have to agree that your boyfriend really doesn't sound like he's helping you at all, in fact it sounds like he's positively holding you back from helping yourself. He's his own responsibility, you need to put yourself first and it really doesn't sound like he wants you to.

It also really sounds like you could do with chatting with the GP. Is there anyone else who could physically help you get out and get there? Are your parents helpful / sympathetic?

[FunkyDiamonds]

I should also say that I have been to my gp in the past and was seeing her regularly but she left and I haven't seen anyone since, and I have gotten back to where I was years ago when I struggle to speak to anybody and I feel as though I am back to square one

[thehorridestmumintheworld]

Don't feel bad about posting you need help. I know it is hard but you need to see the dr and they can help you. I wouldn't ask for or expect help or support with this from your DP because he may not help or even put you off. Post on here for support there is a mental health board. Don't feel bad about needing some help either, you can feel better and you deserve to, so make that first step and go to the dr asap

[lollilou]

Your post is so sad. I think you should get rid of your boyfriend, sorry. Go back to the gp and access help.
You can have a better and brighter future but you need to make it happen.

[DevilsRoulette]

You may benefit from cbt. What you need is permanent change that you are in control of.

It's just how you get to the point where you can access that.

How do you feel about emailing and asking for some help? Do you think that you could contact mind or something and see what they have to advise you?

Or have someone go to the gp with you and you take a letter that you have written that says how you feel?

I am just trying to think of possible ways that you could access the help and support that could really make a difference to your life.

[Nanny0gg]

Do you have any family at all? Someone who could go with you to your doctor?

I wonder if this would do better on the Relationship forum (as your boyfriend does seem to be at the heart of some of your problem) and there is a wealth of experience and advice on there. I'm sure people will be kinder than usual on AIBU but it may not be the most helpful place for you.

Say if you'd like it moved and MNHQ can be notified for you.

[FunkyDiamonds]

Thank you so much for replying, I don't know where else to turn or what steps to make, which is why I came here, and I am so relieved you are being nice to me! I moved a long way from my family to be with my partner so there isn't a lot they can do. I just don't understand why my partner wanted me to come all this way if he doesn't really want me, he lied to me so that I would be with him and I don't understand why he would go to all that trouble if he doesn't love me.

[Helpyourself]

I'm glad the other posters have answered would just say the same! See your GP and get out of this relationship. Are you on JSA or ESA? Either way, next time you go to the job centre say you'd like some employability support and get some advice.

[ThisWayForCrazy]

Can someone in your family give you the support and help to get to a doctor? And then to a counsellor?

I suspect your partner won't, because if you were managing your MH he'd be scared that you'd kick his sorry arse to the curb.

He sounds awful and he is being mentally abusive!

I have MH issues. As does my husband. Neither of us use it as an excuse to treat the other badly.

If I were in your position I would move out and stay somewhere, with someone who could be me the courage and strength to get myself better. I honestly don't think you will find this with your current partner.

[DevilsRoulette]

You can't torture yourself trying to figure that out. It sounds like he has his own things to deal with and right now, you need to take care of you. You're drowning here and you can't be saved by someone who's also drowning. Two people side by side flailing about in the water cannot help each other.

Can you go back to your family?

[Coupon]

Can someone in your family give you the support and help to get to a doctor?

Yes, is there anyone who could phone and make you an appointment, and then take you there? Or does your GP do phone consultations? Once you've made the first step, you'll find there is help and support available to you.

Would going to stay with family be an option for you? You could see the local GP while you were there.

[TwoLeftSocks]

The anxiety aside, on a practical note, would you be able to pack a suitcase and go to your parents if you wanted?

Lying from a partner's not good. Lack of respect from a partner's really not good either, and it rather sounds like he's turning it all on you that you're responsible for his moods as well as your own issues (which you're not!).

[FunkyDiamonds]

Sorry, I'm really slow at replying as it takes ages to get my thoughts together, I was getting cbt with my gp for a short time, and I was starting to feel some sort of benefit such as walking to and from the dr alone and taking short walks, but since then I have gone back to how I was before I had the help, I think emailing mind is a good idea I hadn't thought to do that and that would be a manageable step for me to take, thank you!

How do I ask for this to be moved? Sorry I haven't used this site a lot, and I will definitely look at the mental health boards too, thank you.

[FlatsInDagenham]

How long have you been in this relationship?

If you don't mind my saying so, he sounds extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. This is almost certainly contributing / adding to your own anxiety and depression. For example, he says he wouldn't 'allow' you to go out alone. He makes all the decisions. He gaslights you too - talking over you and deliberately midunderstanding you, and also making out that you aren't ill, just in a mood.

He doesn't sound like a nice man, or a good partner. He's got you just where he wants you - dependent on him, too scared to do anything alone and scared of upsetting him.

Another thing strikes me here ... why do you say it's all too late? You are young still, in your late twenties. Many many people start families in their late thirties (me) or even their forties (two of my friends). Many more people start careers at this age too. Have you considered studying from home, for example?

Your life is far from over. A world of possibility lies ahead. Your main obstacle as far as I can tell from your post, isn't yourself ... it is your partner.

Are you maintaining relationships with your family?

[TwoLeftSocks]

If you click on the 'report' bit to the right of the post, you can ask MNHQ to move it.

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

I am terribly sorry you are suffering like this, the only thing that is absolutely certain is that is does not have to be like this. Would it help to write down bullet points for the GP so if you are struggling it is something you can hand over. Alternatively could you write a letter to the GP to make an appointment rather than having to speak yourself. Definitely CBT would be helpful but I imagine unless you can pay privately you will have to access this via your GP so that is undoubtedly your first port of call. Hugs to you.

[TwoLeftSocks]

That's really good that the CBT was having an effect - presumably that means if you get some help, it'll have an effect once again.