MIL annoyed that I won't commit to a big event with such a small baby.

(101 Posts)
Bambamb Sun 27-Oct-13 17:27:19

Trying to keep it short:

I am pg & due mid-Nov.
MIL has organised a big christmassy get together early December which would involve a long drive, overnight stay, full day of events (out and about at public events, not a private function) and formal dinner out.
We have only just been informed of this & I have responded to say I don't want to promise that we'll be there as we will have a baby of between 2 and maybe 4 weeks old depending on when it arrives. I have no idea where we'll be with breastfeeding, sleep, generally feeling able to leave the house etc.!
We haven't said definitely no but I strongly suspect we won't be feeling up to it, it will be an ordeal I think. I also don't know how the birth will go and if I'll feel physically recovered by then.

Also want to point out, we did the same thing the last two years in a row and after last years event MIL asked if we would like her to book again for this year and we (plus other family members) all said no which is why it has come as a bit of a surprise that we are suddenly expected to be attending something we didn't even know was happening.

MIL has the hump, AIBU?

DontmindifIdo Sun 27-Oct-13 19:27:03

arethereanyleftatall - it's not really about looking after the newborn, it's about looking after a woman who's body has just been through childbirth, and yes, some woman have the sort of labours that are done within 6 hours with only a couple of stitches that heal up nicely and bounce back ASAP, (so jealous of my friend who had that for her first, then 3 hours for the second!), others have been through 27 hours, end up with instrumental deliveries and feel like death for a fortnight afterwards.

Some babies do sleep 20 hours as newborns, but neither of mine did. Some sleep through at 2 weeks (again, so jealous of SIL this time!) others take months before they sleep for more than 4 hours at a stretch (which is managable, but does take your body a couple of months to adjust too.) Some latch easily and feel for 20-30 minutes. Other latch badly, and when they do feed it takes 3 hours (thanks DD).

The OP doesn't know what she's getting.

BikeRunSki Sun 27-Oct-13 19:31:35

Tell her to bog off ( nicely of course), you already said you didn't want to do it again last year. As for the new baby - ds would have been fine, but after Emcs with dd I couldn't stand up straight for 9 weeks.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 27-Oct-13 19:32:52

Oh, I agree with you, don't mind. I Said upthread she should say no, exactly as she doesn't know what she'll get. But, everyone is making out as if you definitely can't do this with newborns, and I'm just letting the OP know, that actually, some newborns and deliveries are easy. And this she might be upset.if all her family we're out having fun and she was sat at home twiddling her thumbs.

Bambamb Sun 27-Oct-13 19:34:11

The OP doesn't know what she's getting.

This is why I didn't want to say no initially incase we were actually feeling really great and might want to go and show the baby off etc. But I don't want to say a definite yes and then find we're really struggling and feel pressure to go.

Also, the whole day will be out and about, it's not a party at someone's house so if I AM feeling shabby and the baby is breastfeeding every 2 hours there'll be nowhere private to escape to. In those early days the breastfeeding could be tough going, I don't want to be faffing about in public every couple of hours if we haven't fully mastered it by then.

EBearhug Sun 27-Oct-13 19:34:44

As a result, non-Western beliefs and practices encourage rest and confinement up to 40 days after birth to regain energy and strength.

Not just non-Western cultures. In Britain (and possibly the rest of Europe for all I know), women's confinement usually lasted till they were churched, which was traditionally 40 days after birth. Churching is when they first went back to church after having a baby, and were blessed and said prayers for having survived childbirth.

Bambamb Sun 27-Oct-13 19:36:31

As someone said further up, I think we'll say no now, but I'm pretty sure if we do change our minds when the time comes MIL will be delighted to squeeze us in at the last minute!

Bogeyface Sun 27-Oct-13 19:36:36

Fgs,, looking after a new born, who on average sleep 20 hours a day, isn't that difficult!!

For once I thought I would make it to the end of a thread without a gem like this, only to be disappointed.

What a perfectly ridiculous thing to say!

RandomMess Sun 27-Oct-13 19:36:40

Just say no, you may be feeling great and it's all going well, it may be like hell on earth so say no and don't have the stress hanging over you!

Bogeyface Sun 27-Oct-13 19:38:49

EBear it was better if you had the right sex. It was 33 days if you had a boy and 66 days if you had a girl at some points in history!

MooseBeTimeForSnow Sun 27-Oct-13 19:40:32

Not sure how well you get on with your MIL, but if she has this event to plan she might be too busy to visit you with the newborn.

Oh, and I agree. Fuck that. smile

SunshineMMum Sun 27-Oct-13 19:42:52

YANBU, book the whole of December as a 'We will decided the as, when and how.' MIL will have to lump it.

neunundneunzigluftballons Sun 27-Oct-13 19:53:44

DH pushed me to a similar event when my 3rd child was born 3 weeks. This was my 3rd so we had done it before and thought we had it sussed. I was in the middle of bf hell, pumping, not knowing which was was up whether the next feed was bottle or breast and in agony. A few hours in we had to up and leave I was bawling and completely not up to it I was beyond overwhelmed. Thankfully DHs family were fantastic but I certainly would be recommending the wait and see approach.

arethereanyleftatall - really? It's nice that that is your experience of newborns but it isn't everybody's.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 27-Oct-13 20:02:35

No. i've learnt that since being on MN! It was my experience tho, so I'm just letting op know there is another possible side.

motherinferior Sun 27-Oct-13 20:04:02

I couldn't really function after my first, deeply horrible, labour and birth. It took me till two weeks to stagger from my front door to the post box 50 metres away. Also I was shell-shocked and miserable. I would have been neither use nor ornament during a big day out.

zipzap Sun 27-Oct-13 20:04:15

Do you think your mil is annoyed that you haven't given her an answer yet (any answer, yes or no) or that you haven't or might not say no? Was she expecting you to say yes straight off regardless if what you said last year?

Definitely remind her if she gets snotty with you for saying no - that she wouldn't even have been released from hospital when she's expecting you to make the trip if your baby is late. It would be interesting to find out when she first started venturing forth long distances after her dc were born!

hettienne Sun 27-Oct-13 20:13:46

Seeing as you didn't want to do it again after last year anyway, I can't really see you deciding you do want to go with a newborn!

I had an easy newborn who slept 20 hours a day, but it was in 90 minute bursts with feeds in between (and only sleeping on the breast) and 10-12 poos a day. I wouldn't want to be out all day at public events.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Sun 27-Oct-13 20:20:06

Say no now. I remember my mother ordering me to bring my 18 day old child on a 250 mile trip to see her and my dying grandmother at Christmas who according to my other was only hangin on to see her great grandson. I foolishly, along with DH obeyed. I virtually passed out with exhaustion. Said Grandmother lived a further four months.

ipswichwitch Sun 27-Oct-13 20:27:01

I'm due 14th December and we've decided not to go to ILs for Christmas this year - they only live 5-10 mins down the road. I don't really want to spend the day in someone else's house getting to grips with bf (I have vair leaky boobs!) and bleeding all over, when I can't lounge about on the sofa and eat all the chocs, while putting up with judgemental comments from certain ILs and inevitable family bickering.

I think in the few weeks following birth is a time you should do whatever the hell you feel up to. My advice is say no - you weren't keen anyway after last time so why would having a young baby make you change your mind?

neunundneunzigluftballons Sun 27-Oct-13 20:32:44

No. i've learnt that since being on MN! It was my experience tho, so I'm just letting op know there is another possible side.

Of course there is another side by 3 weeks in I had 2 of the other side but how in gods name do you know before the birth which you are going to get.

pianodoodle Sun 27-Oct-13 20:34:59

well you just have to get on with it don't you?

And to that you reply, "yes I will be, and you'll just have to get on with your day out without us too"

Or just "fuck off" would do as well.

mameulah Sun 27-Oct-13 20:41:13

Definitely just say no.

This time last year our pfb was due mid November. And didn't arrive til the end of November!!!

Don't do it.

gail734 Sun 27-Oct-13 21:25:28

My fanny of a MIL wanted me to agree to a 70 person Christening for dd TWO WEEKS after her birth! When I said that I didn't think I'd feel like a major social function a fortnight after childbirth, her response was seriously to ask, "Why not?" This woman had two children of her own. Maybe she was running around days later, but I suspect it's more likely that her memory is a bit foggy. I firmly refused and so should you, OP. The idea that any arse would think that it's acceptable to boss around a woman who has just had a baby is ludicrous.

ChrisTheSheep Sun 27-Oct-13 21:36:52

Just say no: as others have said, you really don't know what will happen. I had a 70+ hour labour with EMCS, and then spent the next two weeks in bed, vomiting every time I tried to hold DS, not even able to keep water down. I hope to goodness that won't happen to you, but I certainly couldn't have predicted it beforehand.

MadeOfStarDust Mon 28-Oct-13 07:41:18

2 weeks in hospital - which world was this in......

my mum had us at home - on the farm (a lot more did than now) and was milking cows a day later ...... she had no choice....

2 weeks in hospital... ha.......

but you have a choice - say no if you don't want to go...

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