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To think my SO is in the wrong?

(12 Posts)
Firebomb Sun 27-Oct-13 01:04:29

Me and the SO have been fighting for awhile. I don't think he spends enough time with our son (he barely sees him at all and they live in the same house...) he says 'of course I spend time with him, I'm home all the time except this past week' and yeah, sure he's home. But he sits on the opposite side of the room and tells me 'well you're closer to him', so he doesn't have to get up and do anything for the baby.

This week... this week pissed me off. He's not supposed to be working, but he still takes mechanic jobs sometimes and that's cool, whatever, I guess, even though I disapprove. But he was gone this ENTIRE week working on cars. Gone before the baby woke up, back after the baby went to bed. I was livid. ESPECIALLY when the baby started saying 'dada dada dada' and looking around. I was heartbroken.

What really pissed me off though was he took the weekend off...TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS OTHER SON. He has a 5 year old from a previous relationship, our LO is 8 months old. His excuse was that 'he only gets to see his other son two days a week' and I pointed out that he hadn't even seen OUR son in a week. Of course that made him angry and defensive and we've been fighting about it all damn day. He decided to stick around the house today instead of him taking his son out and finally spent some time with our LO. But still, he managed to spend MORE time with his other son, completely ignoring our LO at times.

I'm too the end of my rope with this. It's breaking my heart to see him treat our son like this.

Also, Tomorrow is my birthday and HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW. This, of course, completely ruined any fun I might have had tomorrow anyway. Whatever though. We spent about an hour arguing over text when he took his son home. and he turned it from me explaining why I'm angry to him belittling me, pointing out all of my flaws, calling me lazy (which yeah, sometimes I really am but I've had PPD for awhile too, which he could care less about). Then starts telling me what I need to do in order for him to not end the relationship.

Um...excuse me? You're giving me ultimatums like I care? Leave, I'm acting like a single mother anyway.

My problem is this: I can't drive, I chose to stay home with the baby so I don't have a job and I'm planning on going to college at the beginning of the year (January, not school year lol). I'm completely dependent on him right now and he knows it.

AgentZigzag Sun 27-Oct-13 01:13:43

I can totally understand why you feel like this, but I don't think pressuring him to choose between his two children is fair on anyone.

Does he not spend time with his other son at your house?

reelingintheyears Sun 27-Oct-13 01:22:35

I don't know what a SO is.

Firebomb Sun 27-Oct-13 01:23:50

not normally, no. Cause we live with my parents right now and his ex doesn't want her son around my parents.

I'm not trying to make him choose between them. I want them to get equal time. My problem is that his other son has gotten way more time and attention than our LO has and it's not fair to our LO that his dad ignores him like that.

Firebomb Sun 27-Oct-13 01:24:47

[b]reelingintheyears[/b] - Sorry, it means Significant Other. Better than boyfriend since we're not married LOL

Not being able to drive does not make you "dependent on him" hmm
I can't drive, I chose to give up trying to learn years ago, and I have managed to get a degree, and a masters degree, and have five children, all without ever being "dependent" on anything other than public transport...
I have always been pleased and grateful if and when anyone has offered me a lift somewhere, but it has never ever been the only way I could get somewhere, and lack of a lift has never ever stopped me doing anything I needed/really wanted to do.
That said, you sound like you resent his other son, and that is not really fair - the lad didn't ask to be born and have his Daddy leave and have another son with someone else, and I daresay your DP is torn between the two of them, and got a bit irate when it sounded like you were "against" him seeing his other child iyswim.
Maybe other son's mam is moaning too for whatever reason, and DP doesn't know what to do or say to either of you - he is "just a bloke" and juggling a job, and extra work, and two sons in different places is quite a lot on his plate, especially if he has money worries - presumably he pays child support for his other son, and you and he have a home so there are bills to be paid - it must be pretty stressful even without anyone "getting at him" as he sees it, not that you OR other son's mam necessarily are as such, but it might seem like it to DP, and he may well feel that all he gets is grief.
If you have PND that might be worrying him too, and your son only being 8 months old, chances are you are both sleep deprived and knackered and snappy with each other...
Maybe because DP lives with you and Ds, he just doesn't cotton on that time at work or generally "out" is time not spent with your DS, especially if his time with his other DS is "officially limited" iyswim.
Just my advice (and worth exactly what you paid me for it! grin ) is to take a step back, and a deep breath, and just consider what DP juggle every week/month with everything he has going on, and then decide what you would want him to do to make things "right" again, then talk to him about it...
It's either that or pack his bags, boot his arse, and get on with life as a single parent...

AgentZigzag Sun 27-Oct-13 01:33:15

'He decided to stick around the house today instead of him taking his son out and finally spent some time with our LO.'

I just read that as his decision being caused by the pressure you'd put on him, he didn't take his son out when he'd planned to.

Did his other son know his dad was planning on going to see him? (ie was he waiting expectantly at his house)

Will he get the day be made up so he still gets to see him for the two days?

LUKYMUM Sun 27-Oct-13 01:40:07

I'm sorry he's not giving you both the attention you deserve. One tip though,some men don't enjoy spending time with very young kids. It's not that they don't love them, but they don't know what to do with them. But as they get older it changes.
A lot of people thoughtlessly say they're virtually a single parent, but you don't know what it's like until you are one. I'm not saying you're not having a tough time but you have someone. It sounds like he financially supports you too.
Maybe take a step back and find out what you used to love about him. And maybe he might come around. Please don't discourage him from seeing his eldest though. He's just a kid. Happy birthday in advance. Try to have a great time inspite of him. It's your first birthday with your baby, what a blessing!

mynewpassion Sun 27-Oct-13 01:55:10

Did you stop him seeing his older son since he's not allowed at your parents' house?

That's not on.

Yes i agree that he needs to spend more time with the baby but don't make him choose between children

Firebomb Sun 27-Oct-13 01:55:26

He doesn't have a job actually, he's not allowed to work under dr's orders. He's working 'under the table' as it were, fixing people's cars. problem is, he works 12+ hours a day all the time. And we don't have our own place, we have to live with my parents at the moment, so he's not paying any bills except his car insurance.

also, he gets to see his son every weekend so it wasn't like this was a one off special visit. I'm not against his other son at all, I'm just saying that our LO is equally as important as he is and should therefore be getting the same attention.

Firebomb Sun 27-Oct-13 01:57:43

What? No! of course I don't stop him from seeing his older son, that's ridiculous! His ex wife doesn't want him over my parents, but we usually just take him other places like my sisters' to play with her kids and such. My sister just got out of surgery though and isn't feeling up to company and it was rainy day today (I actually live in the US, was referred to this site by a friend in Bournemouth).

He has his son all day today like normal.

ExBrightonBell Sun 27-Oct-13 03:21:37

Firebomb, it might be worth posting in the Relationships section, or perhaps in Chat, as you might get some more advice from people with experience in this area. AIBU can be a bit of a bunfight sometimes!

Fwiw, I don't think it's fair to interfere with his arrangements to see his elder son. The elder son deserves to see his dad and it isn't his fault that he is in this situation. You must have been aware of the arrangement from when you got together, so it is unreasonable to complain about it now.

The working "under the table" seems to be causing a lot of the issues here - it's stopping him seeing your son during the week. I'm curious as to why he is doing this if he is signed off work? I don't know how it works in the States, but presumably this is against the law? Or contrary to insurance conditions, or something? Can you point out to him that if he keeps doing it, you would have to shop him to the relevant authorities? Otherwise are you not also involved in this? I think it's reasonable to say to him that whatever he chooses to do, he needs to finish and be home by a reasonable time to see his new son, and help out with tea time/bedtime etc. If he then chooses not to, you will have to ask yourself if you are happy to continue being in this relationship.

Your SO does seems like he is burying his head in the sand a bit about having a new baby. Does he ever look after your baby on his own? Could you arrange a regular time where you get to go out on your own and he has the baby? That might help him become more confident and connected to your ds.

Also, I would avoid having arguments via text messages - it's never going to help a situation. Save it for an adult face-to-face conversation.

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