To be annoyed at DP staying over at ex's

(45 Posts)
Stephb88 Sat 26-Oct-13 23:12:13

Apparently I'm over-reacting so wanted some views.

My partner has 2 children with her ex husband. They've been split for 5 years, divorced for 1. One child was supposed to be staying with her dad tonight.

My partner is feeling a bit down today over a family issue and I found out an hour ago she's staying over at her ex husbands as she "doesn't want to be alone thinking about the family issues".

We've been together for almost a year and planning to move in together in the near future. She wants us to before christmas but I'm holding off. I have a child myself living with me so wanting to give it more time before giving up my home and moving 90 miles away.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but I have this image in my head of them all playing 'happy families'. We've just spent all the school holidays plus the past 6 weeks up until a week ago together. I came home to sort out my childs birthday next week and to me it feels like she's gone running back to her ex the moment I'm not there.

Am I just being a jealous so-and-so and over-reacting?

I've not said much to her yet. She knows I'm not happy and simply stated "I don't need this tonight. I just don't want to be alone, don't let your mind run away with you".

ICameOnTheJitney Sat 26-Oct-13 23:14:57

Yanbu in my opinion....I should imagine that YOU would be the one to provide comfort...however...what is the family issue?

It's difficult because it sounds like going to yours (90 miles away) isn't really an option.

I think some of it depends on what these family issues are, maybe he's a good person to talk to about these things, maybe she really doesn't want to be alone.

I think I might be underwhelmed by it too but try not to jump the gun, our minds are very good at filling the gap of knowledge by creating the worst situation and running with that rather than the likely reality. I would wait and see if its something that doesn't come up again then there's no issue. If it's the start of a change you will soon be aware. But agree about holding back, I would wait to move in until after Christmas.

Stephb88 Sat 26-Oct-13 23:19:11

There have been ongoing issues, going on for years. There's been a family event she decided not to go to and some of them have fallen out with her when she told them she wasn't going. This has been going on for the past 8 weeks. All been sorted. But the event in question is tonight and so she's imagining them all being together and wondering what theyre up to now etc....

Finola1step Sat 26-Oct-13 23:24:39

So you are not able to be physically there and she needs company. Is she staying at the ex's so that she can be with her dc? Rather than the ex?

It does sound a bit odd. But if she is feeling vulnerable, I can understand her wanting to be with her children. This is about her, not about you.

I do wonder however, if you are not entirely sure about moving in with her.

MatryoshkaDoll Sat 26-Oct-13 23:24:49

Her staying over at the exes doesn't necessarily have to mean anything dodgy. Although I can't pretend I'd be okay with it.

But I would be having second thoughts about moving in with someone who didn't have a clearer separation of boundaries between them and the ex. I would feel comfortable with that ongoing level of involvement. Others might feel differently though.

MatryoshkaDoll Sat 26-Oct-13 23:25:30

I wouldn't *

She sounds a bit needy but I suppose if that's how she feels you can't really deny her feelings.

It sounds like it was more of a spontaneous happening, which is why she's with the ex and not a friend,and is probably quite innocent, but like I said I can understand why you're hmm don't attack her for something that you don't know has happened just maybe keep your eyes open.

Definitely hold off on moving in.

Stephb88 Sat 26-Oct-13 23:30:26

I don't think it's about wanting to be with the children - the children were supposed to be with her tonight anyway as he has always had them fortnightly and this wasn't his weekend. He won't normally have them more often than the planned arrangement. Her one daughter staying there was a last minute decision, and then she decided to stay herself with her other daughter too. Clearly she wanted adult company. I just don't understand why she chose him and not a friend.... I think it's the 'overnight' part thats annoyed me more so than her just popping in.

Scarymuff Sat 26-Oct-13 23:33:32

I think you are right to be annoyed about this. Did she talk to you about it beforehand? I think if you are in a committed relationship with someone you don't spend the night with someone else unless your partner is fully ok with it.

katykuns Sat 26-Oct-13 23:39:43

I wouldn't be okay with this at all. For one, you are adult company and ahe could speak to you over the phone or internet etc.. but fair enough if that isn't good enough... just an Ex would be the LAST person you would go to!

SeaSickSal Sat 26-Oct-13 23:42:34

Yabu. It sounds like they have a friendly relationship, they're spending an evening in with the kids, not having a torrid evening of passion. If they do have a friendly relationship you're going to have to accept it because it would be unfair on their kids otherwise.

You do sound jealous saying things like 'I don't want them playing happy families'. It also sounds like you don't trust her and are a bit controlling. If I was her your behaviour would raise several red flags.

Stephb88 Sat 26-Oct-13 23:43:50

No - we spoke this morning on the phone and she said she was going there to drop one daughter off later this afternoon, about 4ish. She said she might spend a couple of hours there for tea. I specifically asked if she was staying the night and she said "no". I had a text at about 9/10pm saying, kids going to bed, we're watching x factor. I'm staying here tonight as I dont want to be on my own.

Maybe I am over reacting.... but when she moved out due to domestic violence and talks about how controlling he was of her, I wonder why she puts herself back there puposely, why run back to him when I'm not there. She hardly talks to him and certainly doesn't go for long visits when I am there, or even make any suggestion that she wants to. She talks of breaking away from him and not wanting to rely on him for anything. Due to the amount of previous control and him still wanting her back, I suppose my mind is running away with me!

soontobemumofthree Sat 26-Oct-13 23:45:01

I wouldn't be happy about it. I doubt anything dodgy is happening from what you say, but could she not have a long chat on phone with you, or see ex and go home, or visit friend.

Stephb88 Sat 26-Oct-13 23:59:13

Perhaps I'm not giving her enough credit. Something between them did happen very early on in the relationship - a similar situation where she stayed the night . This was about a year ago. She says it was because of his controlling behaviour and not being able to stand up to him and wanting to make him happy so he wouldnt be so snappy at her. However, we have worked so much on her self esteem and standing up for herself over this past year and she's picked up enormously. Just in the time I've known her, the change in her confidence and her ability to handle problems has been amazing. She made the decision she doesn't want to be with him in the beginning and stuck by that and laid firm foundations with him. There have been no overnight stays at all as she recognised this could be an issue. So maybe she is confident in that she can stay and there won't be any problems. But part of the foundations she laid with him was there were no more overnight stays. It's like the wires are being crossed again.

Canthisonebeused Sun 27-Oct-13 00:12:00

Maybe she doesn't feel you are "available" to provide support. Seems from your OP you are putting off committing, maybe she is just seeking support from someone who she knows and trusts. Sadly that's her ex. I maybe wrong but I think it may say more about how she views your relationship rather than them being all cosy.

If you want her to turn to you, make sure you make the right commitments to her.

Scarymuff Sun 27-Oct-13 00:12:18

I think, rather than focussing on what she wants, you need to set some boundaries for yourself.

You can say to her that she can spend the night at he ex's if she wants, that is her choice, but you are not prepared to be in a relationship with someone who does not consider your feelings.

No way would I accept my partner spending the night with their ex.

heartshape Sun 27-Oct-13 00:12:56

"I don't need this tonight. I just don't want to be alone, don't let your mind run away with you".

if she wants to be alone why is she with him ? yanbu .

HildaOgden Sun 27-Oct-13 00:13:12

I would not be one bit happy with this....she is at a low ebb,and he is a familiar port.

heartshape Sun 27-Oct-13 00:15:20

whoops didnt read it properly , still think its odd she chose to be with him and not a friend if you are to far away .

pigsDOfly Sun 27-Oct-13 00:18:32

I wouldn't be happy about this at all. Even if nothing is happening between them it an odd thing for her to do.

There's a world of difference between having a civilized pleasant relationship with an ex and staying the night with them.

You say he was very controlling OP, is it possible that his controlling personality makes a part of her feels secure? As if he can somehow make the unpleasant family situation better because he's in control IYSWIM.

Sounds to me as if she still not 'free' of him; why the hell does she feel the need to 'make him happy'. They only need to communicate with each other about their children, she's not responsible for his, happy or unhappy, state of mind.

If I were you I would be very wary of giving up my home and moving in with her until she has established firmer, more sensible boundaries.

Finola1step Sun 27-Oct-13 00:56:36

Hi OP. just seen your updates. Well.. yanbu. She's feeling vulnerable and has made a very odd choice. I think you are right to be concerned about the blurring of boundaries. It does sound like there needs to be a very frank discussion. Has she slept with him since being with you? For whatever reason, it does sound like they are not completely finished. I'm sorry OP, this doesn't look good.

Stephb88 Sun 27-Oct-13 01:32:05

I'm sitting here in tears. Pointless I know - its not going to change anything and there could be nothing at all happening. She hasn't contacted me at all since the text to say she's staying there. We normally talk on skype for a few hours every night when I'm home so tonights been strangely quiet.

I have encouraged a friendly relationship between them, for the sake of her 2 girls. We've planned outings together and I've suggested we invite him. I've suggested we have him round for tea etc. They're both the girls parents and I appreciate and respect that. My little boy (whos dad died when he was a baby) gets on well with him and I encourage that also.

But in terms of their personal relationship, I've put so much effort into helping her become 'free' of him this past year. I've got my 3 year old child up in the middle of the night to make a 2 hour journey, twice, when her daughter called me one night to say she needed my help and another when she took an overdose and ended up in hospital. Each time we've ended up staying for about 6 weeks, unplanned. I've helped her fight for her rights, standing up to him on her behalf when she said she didn't want him at the hospital on that one night. She was adamant "I do not want him here, I don't want to see or talk to him". So, I'm confused as to why she runs to him now over a much smaller problem.

Her elder daughter has had a lot of control over her too, much like dad and speaks to her like he does. I've helped her set up boundaries with the children and their relationships are improving by the day.

I've bought the majority of the girls christmas presents, because their dads decided he's not celebrating christmas this year and she doesn't have much money. I don't mind because I care about them and I expect them to have what my child will be having. Couldn't imagine 3 children getting up on the day and one has considerably more than the other 2.

I went out tonight between 6-8pm to a halloween event with my child which was unplanned. I phoned her first to ask "will you be alright or should I stay home?". She said she was feeling alright and so I went. As usual, we would have skyped from 9-12 ish and that was the plan. She also promised she'd call me when I was out if she needed me. I had no calls or texts though.

I am holding off on moving in. If it was just me, I'd have done it already but I have a child to consider too and all mine and his family live close by. As much work as I've done with her in terms of helping her, I feel there's still so much more to do. I feel like she 'needs' me there in terms of giving her support in all areas. However, I need her to be able to stand on her own 2 feet first - not go running back to him at the first hurdle. I cannot be with her 24/7 even when I'm living there. She is still very needy. When I am there, I dread leaving her as something nearly always comes up when I'm not there which means we pack up and leave again. I have sacrificed so much, in terms of my child too, to be with her when she's in need. With his birthday coming up on Wednesday I need to be here so he can have a party with his friends, as promised. I cannot just keep changing my plans in terms of him to suit her. We have done so much of that already. I'm supposed to be here for 2 weeks and she is coming to me on Tuesday for his birthday. However, for the past 4/5 days she's been saying how much she wants me there with her. I've had to stand firm on it this time round and say "no, I have a birthday and party to sort and you'll be seeing me in less than a week". I have to do it, as hard as it is and as much as I feel for her. He needs to come first. As much as her relationship with her children is improving, mine with my ds has been suffering and it's not fair. A promised party is the least I can do for him.

I love her so much, but there is so much to sort before I can move. Before he goes to her house for a visit, she goes into panic mode and nobody can be in their pj's and the house has to be cleaned. I can't imagine living in that. No way will I jump when he's popping over. If I'm having a PJ day then in my pj's I will stay. If theres a pile of washing up, tough! I know I will end up resenting him and not wanting him to come over if I'm made to feel uncomfortable each time which would likely lead to arguments. I am hoping that time will help fully release the control he has over her. He's supposed to be marrying again next year - an arranged muslim wedding. His future wife is in Lebanon. I am hopeful this marriage will result in firmer boundaries from his side too, especially given how their culture is. However, that doesn't help the here and now and I think he'd drop the wedding very quickly should she agree to go back to him. She is adamant though that she doesn't want him. I just fail to understand why, after all the horror stories, she goes to stay there tonight.

HildaOgden Sun 27-Oct-13 01:49:25

She is using you.

Sorry to be blunt,but it's very obvious,reading this from afar, how one -sided the relationship is.

Do you usually play the rescuer in relationships?Because that's what you are doing here.And,I hate to say it,but it sounds like she likes playing the role of broken-winged bird.

Don't fall for it.

SimplyRedHead Sun 27-Oct-13 04:57:16

Wow! What's in it for you?

She sounds like your project rather than your equal.

It doesn't sound like you'll ever have pride of place in her life (sorry!).

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