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To think that my mother should visit us & grandchildren when she comes to this country?

(30 Posts)
goldie81 Sat 26-Oct-13 19:57:33

My mother moved abroad few urs back. She comes over couple times a yr to do some work etc. this time I didn't know she was over & she managed to visit my sis & all my brothers! Even my kids said why has she not been to
Visit and seriously questioning why. AIBU to think she should come visit grand kids? She hasn't work to go home to so could have stayed here and seen kids even if meant going back a day later

goldie81 Sun 27-Oct-13 22:02:41

Thanks maddy! I would have put down to that but realistically nothing to get home to so she could quite easily fly back a day later & come & see us!

maddy68 Sun 27-Oct-13 07:28:16

If she is working while she is here perhaps she only had limited time to herself so maybe she could only fit in one visit? clutching at straws

HissyFucker Sun 27-Oct-13 00:12:12

Ha ha, don't feel strong, feel mostly that I fucked up, or that I must be an awful person somehow, but I know (when rational) that it was them that chose their actions, I can only choose my response.

Looking at what my childhood caused, I think if i'd have been raised by wolves it couldn't have turned out much worse, surely!

I've chosen not to accept treatment like this, from any of them.

I won't have abuse, manipulation, emotional blackmail in my life, and certainly not in the life of the gorgeous little chap currently snuffling beside me.

She hurt him too, you know? Pulled a stunt on his birthday. I have no regrets about isolating us both from her.

Sadly, he remembers his last birthday, when she made him wear his too tight birthday clothes that she bought him, and wouldn't let him take them off, even though he asked 3 times as they were hurting him.

I remind myself of that, each time I lose some resolve.

It's surreal isn't it? You look at these people and wonder wtaf.

Onwards and upwards eh? smile

goldie81 Sat 26-Oct-13 23:49:02

Wow- hissy you're strong!
It's so hard & sad yet what choice do we have?
Some people should not be allowed to have kids !

HissyFucker Sat 26-Oct-13 23:21:39

Meant to say, I did know she was moving, and to which bit of the country, but everything else was a secret, apparently.

Therapy and toxic parents book helps. A bit.

HissyFucker Sat 26-Oct-13 23:19:09

My mum moved house.

Excluded me from all the details. Took 2 weeks to call, 3 to tell me where she's moved to.

That was July. I haven't actually spoken to her since August.

I tried to explain my hurt, but hey, she just blamed, minimised and denied. Ranted at me too.

But all I could do was look at my son and feel my heart break merely wondering what it'd take for me to treat him like that.

I couldn't do that. I didn't think I knew anyone that would.

It hurts, but she chose to do that. I choose not to give her the space again to to similar.

I'm an orphan now. Funny enough, I feel stronger somehow for it.

We don't have to put up with this.

WeAllHaveWings Sat 26-Oct-13 23:15:29

Mil lives 500 miles away but comes to the area around 4 times a year to visit friends and even though she has 2 dc and 4 gc's within 5 mins of her friends house we rarely see her. If she does visit its sometimes only for an hour out of the whole week she is up, we offer to pick her up or take her for a meal but she is just not interested.

Ds(9) and i have bumped into her in town before with her friend, she had been up for a fortnight and was going home the next day without even popping in to say hello. She was all gushing and saying to ds how glad she was to see him before she went home. Ds doesn't understand when she is so animated about seeing him why she didn't visit, it's hard to explain to him.

Think I'll also take doyour advice and just put her on the spot and let her explain!

goldie81 Sat 26-Oct-13 23:11:04

Oh minty that is sad. But you see like me- what can we do?!! I suppose we just have to make the most of things and try and gloss over the whe grandparent issue! All I can say is we'll never be as shit as they are!

MintyChops Sat 26-Oct-13 23:05:39

That's really hurtful, I'm not surprised you are upset. My dad does something similar, gets the bus up here once or twice a week for no real reason (he is retired, bored and hates where he lives) and never, ever, ever comes to see us. We are 10 minutes from the centre of town by bus and he has a free travel pass. I don't say anything because it makes me feel so sad that he doesn't want to see us and he would get all defensive and nasty about "being pressured".

I wish my kids had a lovely grandfather who wanted to see them like other kids do but sadly Mumsnethas taught me that there are lots of shit grandparents out there as well as good ones.

goldie81 Sat 26-Oct-13 22:49:46

Thanks hissy. Yes just makes you realise why do we bother?? But it's fine coz my other 2 just remember that nanny let them have 2ice creams in a day when we went 2visit!!

HissyFucker Sat 26-Oct-13 22:45:51

I don't blame you for feeling hurt, that really is monumentally shit.
sad

goldie81 Sat 26-Oct-13 22:38:59

Thanks grandels- I can live in hope!

GrendelsMum Sat 26-Oct-13 21:56:25

I think some older people can struggle with the noise and liveliness of young children. My DMiL loves her grandchildren, but genuinely can't cope with the noise they make playing. I think things will be much easier when they're a little older.

goldie81 Sat 26-Oct-13 21:10:41

Doyour- yes you're right - let them squirm!! Not sure when though if she won't visit here & now I certainly don't want to go there! Will see what happens!

DoYourKegels Sat 26-Oct-13 21:00:29

Best to ensure she has to defend herself to the children. That's what I did when my PILs emigrated to be near their other grandchildren. I didn't say a word, just let my kids ask tactless blunt questions, like 'Why are you moving? Don't you like it here? Will you visit us as much as you visit them?" and so on. I LOVED watching her rustle around for a crap answer that wasn't 'We love them more.' Which is the sad truth.

goldie81 Sat 26-Oct-13 20:30:59

Haha! No she's got her partner- who when I did take kids to visit them he moaned at kids continuously! All she could say when I pointed out it wasn't their fault (they got accused of winding up the naughty dog they have no control of) oh so hard I'm stuck in the middle what can I do. Grrrrr! Think no patience for kids etc & obviously no love loss between me & mother. Just wish my kids had the grandparents all my friends kids have!

bimbabirba Sat 26-Oct-13 20:28:59

My mum visits when she comes to the UK for work but they're very short visits, couple of days at most (sometimes only a few hours!) and it used to leave my children very upset she stayed so little and me to have to change the sheets and tidy up after her

Rhubarbgarden Sat 26-Oct-13 20:21:27

Is your mum single? Maybe we should get them together and they could be miserable and child-hating together...

Rhubarbgarden Sat 26-Oct-13 20:20:40

Water off a ducks back, Harticus. I tell him all the time. It's like he enjoys being a miserable bastard. If my Mum was still alive she would never let him get away with this kind of behaviour; he's just gone feral really since we lost her. Every year I invite him for Christmas and he won't confirm till the week before because he's holding out for a better offer. hmm

I try and see the funny side, because if I didn't I'd just cry.

dadinthehat Sat 26-Oct-13 20:16:43

Mine does this on her visits to London. I'm in Brixton and my brother is in East London. Neither of us or our 3 and 2 DCs get a visit. I've given up on her.

harticus Sat 26-Oct-13 20:13:53

What a lousy bloody thing to do - I would be pissed off if a friend did it let alone a parent. I would have it out with her and tell her how hurtful it is goldie. And you Rhubarb - tell your Dad to stop being a thoughtless bugger.

goldie81 Sat 26-Oct-13 20:12:28

Oh rhubarb- it's very saddening isn't it!
My mother told me she's not very maternal a few yrs back yet had 5kids! Maybe she just doesn't like kids but you would bite your tongue for a brief visit, surely??

goldie81 Sat 26-Oct-13 20:10:04

Upsets me more for my kids sake as they've got a crap grandmother who appears not to give a shit

Rhubarbgarden Sat 26-Oct-13 20:09:57

Yanbu. My Dad does this. Drives for five hours to stay in our local town for the weekend (3 miles away from us) because he likes it there, and doesn't bother to pop in to see us. It's always 'a very, very flying visit'. He just doesn't like children, which is particularly sad because the dcs adore him. Before I got married and had kids he used to turn up all the time. It makes me really sad.

goldie81 Sat 26-Oct-13 20:09:26

History not good. But since had kids new start. But don't feel I can ring and ask. Think would upset me!

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