New to the horrors of separation

(59 Posts)
Choclover27 Sat 26-Oct-13 19:12:33

After 20 years of marriage I have finally separated from my husband. I asked him to leave as yet again I found evidence of his secret drinking ( and driving ) . He has been doing this on and off for 17 years since the birth of our first child when I found a dustbin full of empty cans and gin bottles.
Two more children later, daily drinking from 4 pm and picking a fight plus binges and secrecy, finally enough is enough. And he's gone. But keeps coming in and out the house at his leisure. Internet dating before leaving the home ( he told me that with delight) plus now he has a new relationship which he thinks may be his future. Although he only met her three weeks ago, the night of leaving the house , he would like to tell the children to demonstrate his honesty.
I have started mediation process, he says its biased cis its a woman. Seeing a solicitor on tues as I want to divorce. He says he also wants a divorce ( that's good ) but wants the family home on the market immediately and wants 50% of the equity (£500 000)
Feeling sick about it all.

Choclover27 Mon 28-Oct-13 17:40:26

Husband brought boys home from an exciting day out. I asked him to remember the good times that we had in the early days so that we could use those memories to be more amicable. I also said that he must no longer use new gf's opinion as it is unnecessary and hurtful.
He replied that he has been speaking about he like this to hurt me to which I replied that it has hurt me. Not because I'm jealous he has someone else( good luck to her) but that he has so little respect for me. He admitted to 'putting me through it over the years' Slight understatement.
But it means things are calmer, tonight I'm not crying and tomorrow is a new day.

So you've had it from the horse's mouth - he's admitted he is only telling you this crap to get to you. Don't respond, don't engage and don't give him the reaction that he wants. Imagine you are dealing with a naughty toddler - this is classic attention seeking behaviour.

Yes to the additional lock - he doesn't live there anymore! Or if you don't want the aggro then just fit a chain to each of the doors - then keep them on whenever you are in the house.

Choclover27 Mon 28-Oct-13 12:47:49

I do have a job. I run a gardening business which is successful with 10 staff. But for the last two weeks i can hardly do the work, let alone manage the staff and the customers. Im falling behind.
I keep saying to myself. No one has died and no one has gone to prison. So although this is bad, it could be worse. But I feel hollow and empty. And scared for my future. I can and will be strong for my children, I am a lioness. But when I'm alone , like right now, I long for someone to hold me and love me.

Preciousbane Mon 28-Oct-13 11:33:05

My stepfather was an alcoholic that drank himself to death at 49. It's easy for me to say don't let him get to you as I'm not having to put up with him but I have seen this hideous manipulative behaviour as a child.

Your doing the right thing, just to reinforce your choices. He does sound like a pathetic teen with his comments about getting sex.

I agree get evidence and a couple of posts back you made a joke about getting a tattoo, a personal mantra for yourself. I thought when I read that this is one strong woman. You will get there, come here often for support and try and speak to someone you trust in RL as well.

I am a total lurker on mumsnet, still waiting to one day become a mum blush but I couldn't read this and run, so I just had to say how wonderful you sound and how utterly rubbish your stbxh sounds. Stay strong and get through this, your future without this arse will be so much brighter. I feel so sad for you that he is being so awful, but the pain will be worth it in the end smile

Mazza66 Mon 28-Oct-13 11:18:53

I think you are very brave Choclover27. I have a friend who has married a known drinker, and had a second baby by him, and he doesn't admit to it, nor go to meetings - he is totally in denial. This year he has disappeared three times, once for 6 days "because he needs to drink"!! He was found and brought back by the police. He stank. How she keeps, and will keep this hidden from her four year old, I don't know. Last time I was at their house, tidying up the mess, he started shouting at me that my son had created the mess in their house!!

You need to do this now for your children, to show them that you are strong. My own marriage broke down last year because of redundancy and mental breakdown that ensued. Marriage guidance counselling was rubbish. But mediation, even though I hated going was good, because you must talk to this person about the kids now and in the future, so it gets you started on that path. Texting is good, if you can't bring yourself to speak to him.

Don't worry about money, perhaps you can go back to work? The rest of your life starts right now! Look forward! Think of the freedom that you will have from this millstone that you have carried around for the last twenty years!

YouTheCat Mon 28-Oct-13 09:46:04

(((Choc))) I know hugs aren't very MNetty but still.

You are well within your rights to add bolts to your doors - though I'd not change the locks until you have advice from a solicitor.

You are doing brilliantly to stand up to him. Hope that rattles his cage.

And for future reference, although I know this will be the last thing on your mind at the moment, since I left my ex I have a met a wonderful man who is 10 years my junior and makes the ex look like a wizened old drunk (which he is).

It's okay to cry. I saw your advice on another thread Choc. How kind of you to empathise with another when you're going through this. Well done for standing up to him. Things will get better. There'll be loads more x-factor-type moments with your lovely dc x

Choclover27 Mon 28-Oct-13 09:19:24

Well the husband let himself in again this morning approx two hours before he was due to take the boys out for the day ! And I stood up to him and told him that from now on he is not to come and go as he pleases. I also said he is not to quote his girlfriends opinion of me. I told him he is bullying me and that I'm not going to stand for it. He has packed some more clothes. He was horrified
Also said how much sex he's getting and how wonderful it is, and he's enjoying watching how it gets to me !
I told him he is behaving like a teenager and I'm not interested.
Will get additional lock put on door as in fact it is insufficient as I'm now on my own.
Still feel like crying tho. Actually I am crying

AdoraBell Mon 28-Oct-13 02:06:27

Change the locks, because you lost your key and so of course you've chained the locks as matter of basic common sense.

If DCs ask why he doesn't let himself in anymore, or doesn't have a key just tell them "he doesn't live here" in a matter of fact tone. You are not preventing then access to their father etc, he just can't walk in and walk all over you.

As for the GF saying how you should behave, if she is, that could just be him gaslighting again, just smile and nod. She doesn't know you and clearly doesn't know him if she thinks he's worth spending her time with, so can't possibly form an opinion.

And make sure you get a shit hot solicitor.

tiredoutgran Mon 28-Oct-13 01:18:56

Ugh, you are well shot of him! You can just imagine the tales he is telling the new girlfriend (you will be the devil incarnate), all you have to remember is that you KNOW exactly what he is like and that she is very welcome to him, poor biatch, getting stuck with that!

I would change the locks, if he isn't living there then there is no reason for him to have keys, or have an extra lock fitted 'because you are nervous on your own with the children' and keep it locked. He is trying to hurt you by rubbing your nose in it and trying to make you feel as though you are not worthy of him, because he is angry that you took control. Ignore his insults and just imagine him sat on the sofa with her, picking his nose. I agree with the cat that he should pick up and drop the children at the gate, or if he can't unlock the door then you could block him when you answer it and say thank you for dropping them off before shutting it in his face. Explain to the children that as he is no longer living there it is not right for him to have free reign over the house. You don't have to slag him off to do this, if they hear his comments then they are old enough to understand anyway that he is cruel to you.

I believe the basic rate of child maintenance would apply which is around £330 per week, that was taking the 8k as gross pay, it would obviously be quite a lot more if that was net. You can call the CSA and they will set up and collect the payments for you and pay directly into your account.

foreverondiet Sun 27-Oct-13 21:42:42

He won't get 50% of the equity unless he can demonstrate that with 50% of the equity you could move to a house suitable for you and 3 children.

If you need him to stop popping round you can take out an order against him but start with changing locks.

But you need a good lawyer...

Choclover27 Sun 27-Oct-13 20:53:50

Do you know...... I'm sat here right now with my two lovely boys cuddled next to me watching xfactor. Daughter staying in portsmouth with her Uni boyfriend and on tues we are joining her for a couple of days holiday. Right now, in this peaceful moment, I am the luckiest woman in the world

YouTheCat Sun 27-Oct-13 20:45:29

Doesn't sound healthy.

If you'll excuse my language... his gf can go and fuck herself. She has no right to pass any comment on anything.

I agree with all communications via email. Also proviso that he now drops kids at the gate and doesn't enter the house.

They sound it - the good news for you is that you are leaving it all behind you, so don't have to engage with any of these incredibly odd people anymore!

Choclover27 Sun 27-Oct-13 20:41:14

Hey naanbread. That's funny. First time I've laughed all weekend! He spends two hours a night talking to her...... About me! How sad is that.
Interesting fact. Husband has three brothers and one sister.
Sister still married.
Two wives left two of the brothers
Third wife kicked out her husband cos he'd been having an affair, although they're now back together.

His mother left his father ( and left behind all the kids) as having an affair when my husband was 7. Father married the neighbour almost immediately.
Mother now aged 75 been having an affair for 5 years and keeps leaving her her husband and going back

They are all nuts

So don't consult him about anything. If he expects you to carry on as a single parent - then act like one. Email him - keep the communications very factual and businesslike and say only what you need to in them. If he refuses to get involved or sends abuse back, then it's just another weapon in your armory if it ends up in court.

The priority is the DC and you can demonstrate that you are keeping them as a priority. Your STBEXH's behaviour doesn't come across as being that of someone who is determined to put his kids first.

Remember - ignore, ignore, ignore. Strange how his GF thinks you should be behaving. Doesn't say much about the state of their relationship and how exciting it is, if all they do is spend their time talking about you! grin

Choclover27 Sun 27-Oct-13 20:27:39

Wow everybody. Big thanks
I have started to write things down. A history of his drinking
Bad things...... The time he was on a drink break but got hit by a bus in the midfle of the night. Ambulance man called said he would live but was drunk. I told them to keep him. However he discharged himself in the middle of the night spent £60 on a taxi and arrived home covered in blood concussed and drunk. Had to hide him in the spare room Next day was youngest sons birthday party. Had to do it by myself and pretend husband was ill.
I'm going to have to pull together my energy to keep from going under. Will be speaking from a legal standpoint after tues when I know my rights.
When I ask to talk to him, this morning about youngests school application, he refused to sit down (6 ft 3 tall ) or look at me. Said he is too disgusted by me to look at me. Then answered a call from the golf club mid conversation and walked off.
I will not engage. I will not engage. And oh yes, the new girlfriend is now continually being quoted as to how she thinks I should be behaving.

Get copies of internet history, get copies of financial records and if he's been drinking at home and hiding it can you photograph hiding places?

Can you write records as far back as you think about what he's said, when etc.

And if he's in and out, is there another door you can use and keep your key in the front door lock - if he tries to get in he has to ring the door bell then.

Euphemia Sun 27-Oct-13 19:34:13

If you have access to bank statements, can you see where he's spending his money? Might prove he's buying shitloads of booze!

Finola1step Sun 27-Oct-13 19:32:54

The greedy fecker!

His behaviour is telling you something Choclover. It's telling you that he thinks he's in charge. Even though he's not living there, has met a new woman, is talking about divorce. As far as he is concerned.. he's the boss he can come and go as he pleases. He can help himself to food from the fridge whenever he likes. Because he's still fecking in charge.

Wow, you are so well rid of Golf Prick. You must discuss with your solicitor how to deny the entitled shit access to your home. I am livid on your behalf. I do hope that sandwich gave him wicked indegestion. I know what I would like to do with one of his flipping golf clubs. grin

myrubberduck Sun 27-Oct-13 19:25:34

If the issue of joint custody (or residence ) ever comes up (it may be used as a threat) tell him that the court has the power to order hair strand analysis if there is an allegation that an applicant parent is a heavy drinker. I gather that the testsare pretty accurate....

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

When he tries to talk to you and spout the bullshit about how wonderful his life is and how great his new GF is - ignore. Don't make eye contact and don't say anything - keep moving and keep busy. He's only saying this shit to you to try and get a reaction so don't give him one

Re: food can you buy what you need daily? A PITA in the short term but it will ensure that there is nothing to spare so nothing for his nibs to help himself to. Batch cook and freeze stuff if you can.

Make copies of everything you can lay your hands on but most specifically anything that relates to bank accounts, pensions, savings and his pay.

Finally - the next time he gets in the car pissed, call the police and tip them off. That's not revenge - that's civic duty, because one of these days alcohol will affect his reflexes, he'll judge the road wrongly and God help anyone else who is there at the time. If he injures - or heaven forbid kills - someone, you'll never forgive yourself.

AnyFuckersBigHat Sun 27-Oct-13 16:47:43

Tell him the cheese / ham whatever had laxatives in for the neighbours cat.

Ask him if he'd like to fuck off home now before he shits through the eye of a needle, because if he doesn't go you will be recording it and posting it on YouTube. smile

greenfolder Sun 27-Oct-13 16:39:17

a couple of things you need to hang on to

its him, not you

you have had the good bloody sense to keep a career going through it all, are not dependent and even in your worst case scenario will be able to cope financially.

good on you.

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