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New to the horrors of separation

(59 Posts)
Choclover27 Sat 26-Oct-13 19:12:33

After 20 years of marriage I have finally separated from my husband. I asked him to leave as yet again I found evidence of his secret drinking ( and driving ) . He has been doing this on and off for 17 years since the birth of our first child when I found a dustbin full of empty cans and gin bottles.
Two more children later, daily drinking from 4 pm and picking a fight plus binges and secrecy, finally enough is enough. And he's gone. But keeps coming in and out the house at his leisure. Internet dating before leaving the home ( he told me that with delight) plus now he has a new relationship which he thinks may be his future. Although he only met her three weeks ago, the night of leaving the house , he would like to tell the children to demonstrate his honesty.
I have started mediation process, he says its biased cis its a woman. Seeing a solicitor on tues as I want to divorce. He says he also wants a divorce ( that's good ) but wants the family home on the market immediately and wants 50% of the equity (£500 000)
Feeling sick about it all.

Choclover27 Sun 27-Oct-13 11:33:59

Yes. Going to do that. Let them decide what they would like.
Will not engage anymore.
That has been a fab piece of advice. Might have it tattooed on my body somewhere for easy reminder

YouTheCat Sun 27-Oct-13 11:36:13

I loved starting some new Christmas traditions when I started my new life. Now dd is 18 we have mulled wine and cheesy Christmas films on Christmas eve.

It is lovely and relaxed and no one is waiting to see what mood the drunk one will return in any more.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 27-Oct-13 11:43:04

He sounds horrid. Sending massive hugs your way. Well done you for kicking him out. Could you secretly record some of the horrid things he says?

arethereanyleftatall Sun 27-Oct-13 11:46:30

Also, if you have been paying all the bills (you will have evidence of this through statements) what on earth is he doing with 8000 pound a month? He must have stacks somewhere, of which you would presumably be entitled to half.

Choclover27 Sun 27-Oct-13 12:07:54

There is always a reason why he has the money. Doesn't have the money etc. it will all come out in mediation I guess. He's here right now. Brought boys back in from football and proceeded to make himself lunch from the fridge. I WANT TO SCREAM. My heart is racing. My stomach churning. ( have developed IBS in the last year) I will not engage. I will not engage.
The boys are happy that he's here. What can I say. Bring on Tuesday. I hope the solicitor is good.

Choclover27 Sun 27-Oct-13 12:10:50

And he picks his nose. Sat on the sofa eating and picking his nose. Yuck yuck yuck

PreciousPuddleduck Sun 27-Oct-13 13:56:11

Hugs, you are doing the right thing Xx

YouTheCat Sun 27-Oct-13 15:49:44

He has no right to wander into your home and eat your food.

Some serious guidelines need putting down, in writing.

Joy5 Sun 27-Oct-13 16:33:05

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce, in court in Jan to try and sort out the finances. Basically my ex refuses to pay spousal and child maintenance at a level that means we can manage. He carries on paying the mortgage though, only missed a few payments. Also bought a new car although he denies its his.

Starting point is fifty fifty equity for the house. The partner left with the children gets a higher share, to provide a house for them. Advice is right, take it step by step.

Also think the one who leaves and has the higher income, says an awful lot of things to the partner with the lowest income. I was told repeatedly by my ex he would be getting custody, even after our middle son was 18. Now he usually sees our sons for an afternoon a week. Thats at most. Half term this week, theres a chance he'll ring our sons late morning one day, and ask if they want to go out for the day. Only a chance though.

See your solicitor, ask all the questions you can think of. You'll be paying for the hour, so make the most of it. Afterwards, don't ring or email to ask single questions, wait till you have a few. You'll be charged the same amount!

You're not a mug at all, like most of us with husbands who walk out after a lengthy marriage, you're the one whose kept everything going, for years, your kids will know how much you do, your ex will never acknowledge that.

Know its hard, but have as little to do with your ex as you can, then he can't say things that upset you.

greenfolder Sun 27-Oct-13 16:39:17

a couple of things you need to hang on to

its him, not you

you have had the good bloody sense to keep a career going through it all, are not dependent and even in your worst case scenario will be able to cope financially.

good on you.

AnyFuckersBigHat Sun 27-Oct-13 16:47:43

Tell him the cheese / ham whatever had laxatives in for the neighbours cat.

Ask him if he'd like to fuck off home now before he shits through the eye of a needle, because if he doesn't go you will be recording it and posting it on YouTube. smile

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

When he tries to talk to you and spout the bullshit about how wonderful his life is and how great his new GF is - ignore. Don't make eye contact and don't say anything - keep moving and keep busy. He's only saying this shit to you to try and get a reaction so don't give him one

Re: food can you buy what you need daily? A PITA in the short term but it will ensure that there is nothing to spare so nothing for his nibs to help himself to. Batch cook and freeze stuff if you can.

Make copies of everything you can lay your hands on but most specifically anything that relates to bank accounts, pensions, savings and his pay.

Finally - the next time he gets in the car pissed, call the police and tip them off. That's not revenge - that's civic duty, because one of these days alcohol will affect his reflexes, he'll judge the road wrongly and God help anyone else who is there at the time. If he injures - or heaven forbid kills - someone, you'll never forgive yourself.

myrubberduck Sun 27-Oct-13 19:25:34

If the issue of joint custody (or residence ) ever comes up (it may be used as a threat) tell him that the court has the power to order hair strand analysis if there is an allegation that an applicant parent is a heavy drinker. I gather that the testsare pretty accurate....

Finola1step Sun 27-Oct-13 19:32:54

The greedy fecker!

His behaviour is telling you something Choclover. It's telling you that he thinks he's in charge. Even though he's not living there, has met a new woman, is talking about divorce. As far as he is concerned.. he's the boss he can come and go as he pleases. He can help himself to food from the fridge whenever he likes. Because he's still fecking in charge.

Wow, you are so well rid of Golf Prick. You must discuss with your solicitor how to deny the entitled shit access to your home. I am livid on your behalf. I do hope that sandwich gave him wicked indegestion. I know what I would like to do with one of his flipping golf clubs. grin

Euphemia France Sun 27-Oct-13 19:34:13

If you have access to bank statements, can you see where he's spending his money? Might prove he's buying shitloads of booze!

Get copies of internet history, get copies of financial records and if he's been drinking at home and hiding it can you photograph hiding places?

Can you write records as far back as you think about what he's said, when etc.

And if he's in and out, is there another door you can use and keep your key in the front door lock - if he tries to get in he has to ring the door bell then.

Choclover27 Sun 27-Oct-13 20:27:39

Wow everybody. Big thanks
I have started to write things down. A history of his drinking
Bad things...... The time he was on a drink break but got hit by a bus in the midfle of the night. Ambulance man called said he would live but was drunk. I told them to keep him. However he discharged himself in the middle of the night spent £60 on a taxi and arrived home covered in blood concussed and drunk. Had to hide him in the spare room Next day was youngest sons birthday party. Had to do it by myself and pretend husband was ill.
I'm going to have to pull together my energy to keep from going under. Will be speaking from a legal standpoint after tues when I know my rights.
When I ask to talk to him, this morning about youngests school application, he refused to sit down (6 ft 3 tall ) or look at me. Said he is too disgusted by me to look at me. Then answered a call from the golf club mid conversation and walked off.
I will not engage. I will not engage. And oh yes, the new girlfriend is now continually being quoted as to how she thinks I should be behaving.

So don't consult him about anything. If he expects you to carry on as a single parent - then act like one. Email him - keep the communications very factual and businesslike and say only what you need to in them. If he refuses to get involved or sends abuse back, then it's just another weapon in your armory if it ends up in court.

The priority is the DC and you can demonstrate that you are keeping them as a priority. Your STBEXH's behaviour doesn't come across as being that of someone who is determined to put his kids first.

Remember - ignore, ignore, ignore. Strange how his GF thinks you should be behaving. Doesn't say much about the state of their relationship and how exciting it is, if all they do is spend their time talking about you! grin

Choclover27 Sun 27-Oct-13 20:41:14

Hey naanbread. That's funny. First time I've laughed all weekend! He spends two hours a night talking to her...... About me! How sad is that.
Interesting fact. Husband has three brothers and one sister.
Sister still married.
Two wives left two of the brothers
Third wife kicked out her husband cos he'd been having an affair, although they're now back together.

His mother left his father ( and left behind all the kids) as having an affair when my husband was 7. Father married the neighbour almost immediately.
Mother now aged 75 been having an affair for 5 years and keeps leaving her her husband and going back

They are all nuts

They sound it - the good news for you is that you are leaving it all behind you, so don't have to engage with any of these incredibly odd people anymore!

YouTheCat Sun 27-Oct-13 20:45:29

Doesn't sound healthy.

If you'll excuse my language... his gf can go and fuck herself. She has no right to pass any comment on anything.

I agree with all communications via email. Also proviso that he now drops kids at the gate and doesn't enter the house.

Choclover27 Sun 27-Oct-13 20:53:50

Do you know...... I'm sat here right now with my two lovely boys cuddled next to me watching xfactor. Daughter staying in portsmouth with her Uni boyfriend and on tues we are joining her for a couple of days holiday. Right now, in this peaceful moment, I am the luckiest woman in the world

foreverondiet Sun 27-Oct-13 21:42:42

He won't get 50% of the equity unless he can demonstrate that with 50% of the equity you could move to a house suitable for you and 3 children.

If you need him to stop popping round you can take out an order against him but start with changing locks.

But you need a good lawyer...

tiredoutgran Mon 28-Oct-13 01:18:56

Ugh, you are well shot of him! You can just imagine the tales he is telling the new girlfriend (you will be the devil incarnate), all you have to remember is that you KNOW exactly what he is like and that she is very welcome to him, poor biatch, getting stuck with that!

I would change the locks, if he isn't living there then there is no reason for him to have keys, or have an extra lock fitted 'because you are nervous on your own with the children' and keep it locked. He is trying to hurt you by rubbing your nose in it and trying to make you feel as though you are not worthy of him, because he is angry that you took control. Ignore his insults and just imagine him sat on the sofa with her, picking his nose. I agree with the cat that he should pick up and drop the children at the gate, or if he can't unlock the door then you could block him when you answer it and say thank you for dropping them off before shutting it in his face. Explain to the children that as he is no longer living there it is not right for him to have free reign over the house. You don't have to slag him off to do this, if they hear his comments then they are old enough to understand anyway that he is cruel to you.

I believe the basic rate of child maintenance would apply which is around £330 per week, that was taking the 8k as gross pay, it would obviously be quite a lot more if that was net. You can call the CSA and they will set up and collect the payments for you and pay directly into your account.

AdoraBell Chile Mon 28-Oct-13 02:06:27

Change the locks, because you lost your key and so of course you've chained the locks as matter of basic common sense.

If DCs ask why he doesn't let himself in anymore, or doesn't have a key just tell them "he doesn't live here" in a matter of fact tone. You are not preventing then access to their father etc, he just can't walk in and walk all over you.

As for the GF saying how you should behave, if she is, that could just be him gaslighting again, just smile and nod. She doesn't know you and clearly doesn't know him if she thinks he's worth spending her time with, so can't possibly form an opinion.

And make sure you get a shit hot solicitor.

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