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AIBU?

New to the horrors of separation

70 replies

Choclover27 · 26/10/2013 19:12

After 20 years of marriage I have finally separated from my husband. I asked him to leave as yet again I found evidence of his secret drinking ( and driving ) . He has been doing this on and off for 17 years since the birth of our first child when I found a dustbin full of empty cans and gin bottles.
Two more children later, daily drinking from 4 pm and picking a fight plus binges and secrecy, finally enough is enough. And he's gone. But keeps coming in and out the house at his leisure. Internet dating before leaving the home ( he told me that with delight) plus now he has a new relationship which he thinks may be his future. Although he only met her three weeks ago, the night of leaving the house , he would like to tell the children to demonstrate his honesty.
I have started mediation process, he says its biased cis its a woman. Seeing a solicitor on tues as I want to divorce. He says he also wants a divorce ( that's good ) but wants the family home on the market immediately and wants 50% of the equity (£500 000)
Feeling sick about it all.

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Report

quoteunquote · 26/10/2013 19:18

Good luck, sounds very draining, I hope you get a good solicitor.

mytimewillcome · 26/10/2013 19:31

If your children are school age and I'm assuming will want to stay with you (the more responsible parent) can you stay in the family home and leave selling it until they leave? That would give you time to plan your next move. I don't know the legal chances of this.

Choclover27 · 26/10/2013 19:34

Thankyou. Drained is exactly how I feel. Today I saw emails on the computer saying he has been paid £8000 this month but he has only given me £500 to help with looking after three children. When I brought this up he denied being paid it ( its in black and white) , then said he was not giving me another penny. But its not for e its for the chidren and te bills. I have always paid the mtg and the bills from my salary. Finally gave me £650. But he's furious. From now on you will get no more than £500 PCM he said.

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Choclover27 · 26/10/2013 19:37

Three children 17. 14, 10.
10 year old has epilepsy. I slept with him for 6 months last year till it was sorted. Husband slept with him 4 times only cos he was kept awake by his jerks.
Kids will stay with me cos I can't trust husband but this is going to be a battle cos he denies his drinking. And the kids love their dad. I don't want to stop them seeing him. I just need to keep them safe

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mytimewillcome · 26/10/2013 19:50

If I were you OP I would start collecting evidence such as how much money he earned this month. Is there any way you could prove his drinking?

So did he pay you per month and then it all came out of your account? You must be able to use that to your advantage somehow.

He sounds awful. You are doing the right thing.

mummytime · 26/10/2013 19:59

Collect all the evidence you can, if possible at least all his account numbers etc.

You need a rottwiller of a Solicitor who will fight for you.

You can use the CSA's Maintenance Calculator to get a rough idea of how much he should be paying you. Also do not forget about his pension/pensions.

Twiggy71 · 26/10/2013 20:12

I also separated soon to be divorced from a man who is a functioning alcoholic they never admit they have a problem with alcohol. And I was with him for 19 years and five years on he is still in denial even his dc realise now he has an alcohol problem.

Get evidence of all finances and get to a solicitor I was able to stay in my home legally until my youngest dc is 18. Although I did take on a mortgage on my own eventually so have no worries about this now.

You really do need a solicitor as knowledge is power and you feel so much better when you know your rights. Be prepared for your h to act dirty and put yourself and your dc first, good luck ..

Choclover27 · 26/10/2013 21:35

Thanks everyone. Am seeing solicitor on tues and feel like throwing myself at her feet and screaming help!!
One if the worst things is that husband looks me in the face and calls me a liar. Says I have no proof about his drinking and that it is a fabrication of my manipulative mind. And then laughs and sneers at me. I am a strong woman but it makes me doubt myself. Is he right. Does he drink cos if me, am I the bad mother he says I am, have I really only ever cooked two meals for my children, am I lazy etc etc

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mummytime · 26/10/2013 22:58

Remember the Alanon slogan "You didn't cause this, You can't control it, You can't sure it".
In fact Alanon might be another good source of support, especially if he is going to continue being involved in your DCs lives.

(BTW the way he makes you doubt yourself is called Gaslighting, like the film.)

Choclover27 · 26/10/2013 23:37

Hi mummytime. I've just googled gaslighting and omg. That's him and me. He says so many insults then denies them the next day if ask him why he said something to hurt me. He says its in my mind. Says I'm mad and all my friends think so, then 5 mins later says I have no friends. He told me that he was in a relationship now but I wasn't to have a relationship till our youngest child leaves home in 8 years. But four days later said that he wants to tell the children about his relationship. So when I said but you don't want me to have one so isn't this hypocritical and reminded him of the 8 year thing he said, he denied saying it at all. It's mind games. Soul destroying.

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mummytime · 27/10/2013 00:23

Try to stop engaging with him. He has no right to tell you what to do with your life.
Women's Aid may be able to help you. You may also want to look into the Freedom Programme.

Do stop talking to him. Ideally communicate about the children in writing (email or text) so you have a record. If not record him.

Choclover27 · 27/10/2013 09:25

I think you're right. It has to go in writing. This morning he came back and told me about his new partner and gave me dates he's now not going to be around. Again reiterating how happy he is with her and how lucky he is to have met her. He wants to tell the children soon as she is telling her boys this week. He has been seeing her for THREE weeks. I want him to have someone who makes him happy cos I never did, but to tell the kids so soon??? And he still wants 50% of the money And he still doesn't have a drink problem.

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Pigsmummy · 27/10/2013 09:58

I am not sticking up for him but when he is denying saying things could it because he was drunk saying it? Either way you don't really have a lot to gain by trying to sense out of him if he is so often drunk. Take evidence of earnings, CSA should get you 700/800 per child for youngest two and maybe something for running home? Good luck

YouTheCat · 27/10/2013 10:03

As I understand it, he cannot make you sell the house until your youngest child is 18.

Get money via CSA.

Finola1step · 27/10/2013 10:04

Right Choclover. I'm no expert on these things and there are plenty of other mnetters who can give excellent advice. But I will say, from your posts, your STBXH is taking the right effing piss out of you. It is time to toughen up my dear.

You've kicked him out. Fantastic. You now need to go into evidence collecting overdrive, esp on the financial front. You cannot stop him from introducing your dc to his new partner. You can support them through it.

Stop engaging with him unless its to do with the children. Email contact only. Get advice from solicitor about how to stop him entering the house at will. It may not be possible to change the locks but there is nothing to sto

Finola1step · 27/10/2013 10:08

Oops posted too soon.

Nothing to stop you locking the doors from inside so that he actually has to knock.

I will reiterate that he is taking the right royal piss out of you and enjoying every minute. By engaging with him, you are opening yourself up to his mind games. You have to switch off to preserve your own emotional well being.

Get some fight and start planning your next steps.

YouTheCat · 27/10/2013 10:10

There is also nothing to stop you adding bolts to the inside of doors.

Choclover27 · 27/10/2013 10:58

Going to ask all these questions to the solicitor on tues. thankyou. Not sure how I stand on the door locking situation cos he says its still his house. Also boys would be upset if that was done
My daughter just thinks he's an idiot and is better gone.
Anyone know what the situation is re him being entitled to 50% of the money? Could he fight me for joint custody? He says its my word against his and he doesn't have a drink problem.

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YouTheCat · 27/10/2013 11:01

The 14 and 17 year olds will have a say. I don't think he can even make them visit if they choose not to and I doubt a court would seek to break up the kids unless there was a very good reason for it.

Choclover27 · 27/10/2013 11:02

And yes. He probably is drunk when he says a lot of things. Maybe not major drunk but just had a few. Suddenly clicked that I should only talk to him in the mornings.
Did I mention he's a golfer. Major love of his life
Always enough money for golf membership, bar bills, health club membership bla bla bla
I am a complete mug

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YouTheCat · 27/10/2013 11:04

You aren't a mug. And good luck with the solicitor.

Just think what a lovely relaxed Christmas you could all have without him and his drinking.

Choclover27 · 27/10/2013 11:22

That's true. Two Christmas 's ago he went out in the evening on xmas day to walk the dog and didn't come back for hours. I went searching for him. Turned out he had popped in at a mates to wish him a happy Christmas and had been drinking whiskey.
Have asked him what he wants to do this year. He said he hadn't decided. Aaaagggghhhh
Must stop engaging. Must stop engaging

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YouTheCat · 27/10/2013 11:23

Don't engage.

Ask the kids what they want to do. I don't think he should have the luxury of dictating to them or you.

Finola1step · 27/10/2013 11:33

You are not a mug.

You are a woman who has been married for 20 years and naturally you are used to consulting him on big decisions, such as Christmas. It is a hard habit to break but has to be done.

Your children are old enough to express their own views esp the 14 a d 17 year olds. Take it step by step. Deal with the next few days first. Focus on your meeting with the solicitor on Tuesday. Write a list of what you want to ask / cover in the meeting.

As for Xmas. Talk to the children. Ask them what they want and make your plans from there. Golfer Prick does not get to decide your plans.

You are not a mug. But it sounds like that he thinks you are and is quite happy to take the piss as and when he can for his own little enjoyment. Tis the time to get angry.

Choclover27 · 27/10/2013 11:33

Yes. Going to do that. Let them decide what they would like.
Will not engage anymore.
That has been a fab piece of advice. Might have it tattooed on my body somewhere for easy reminder

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