ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
To be sick and fecking tired of receiving shitty, thoughtless xmas presents(107 Posts)
DHs family excells at this and it drives me mad!
We don't have a lot of money to spend on family when it comes to xmas as we have 3 DC and DHs family is massive.
So every year I spend weeks racking my brain trying to come up with nice presents for everyone that don't cost the earth but will still be enjoyed - I'm not just saying that, I really try. Partly because I like giving nife presents and also because I really can't bear the thought that the money we have to save up all year gets wasted on crap that nobody wants!
And every year it's blatantly obvious that most of DHs family get us presents that were bought according to the motto "fuck it, that'll do". They are all loaded, without exception, yet end up getting us the cheapest, shittiest crap you can imagine. Btw, how much money they spend is not an issue, as I said we can't afford to spend much either, but their presents are just so thoughtless and useless!
Examples- Size 18 summer pjs (strappy top and shorts) - I'm a size 10/12. An endless selection of costume jewelry, massive ear hoops, big bling necklaces, etc. - I don't ever wear jewelry. A crappy little fajita pan and chicken fajita kit - we are vegetarians, AND SO IS THE PERSON WHO GAVE IT TO US! The list is endless!
I should add that DH have been together over 10 years and al, his family lives locally. We see each other fairly regularly, so they know us quite well.
I have in the past suggested to DH that we should just tell his family not to get us presents anymore and we stop getting them presents too but he was horrified at the thought, as it's just not the "done" thing in his family. I just know this year won'tbe any different and it
I agree with the posters who have said that they are probably either regifting or buying off eBay or spotting bargains that they then allocate as appropriate. For example, the summer PJs would have been on sale at the end of one summer, and they'd have thought, "A cheap pair of PJs, they'll do for someone for Christmas" and the OP drew the short straw.
I think a suitably passive aggressive response would be to buy them all Oxfam goats. Failing that, just get them all £5 gift vouchers and hope that eventually they work it out.
My huge family stopped buying presents for the adults years ago. We do secret santa (names in a hat, £50 value gift) and a donation to crisis at chistmas. The under 18s get a gift and those still in full time education get £20. It's much less stressful and all our effort goes into a big family party rather than worrying about what to get for each other.
YADNBU. I live through this every year. I buy nice thoughtful gifts for my ILs.....I think!?! Last year it was Vera Wang pjs (in the right size) and I got a dusty old pocket make up set that was Obviously from Boots' sale in 1997. It doesn't bother me when the present is for me but when they do it to the kids as well. This year I am regifting their presents to them and pleading ignorance.....for the sake of my girls of course.
I wouldn't really mind if I got given bizarre, inappropriate presents. What I do object to- and what happens every single year- is that from roughly mid-November onwards my family bombard me with demands to tell them what I want them to get for me. I actually find it quite difficult and stressful thinking up things that I want enough to feel comfortable asking other people to buy, but not so much that it isn't slightly irritating that I can't just buy it for myself on the spot. Partners apart, I find it all a bit distasteful that well-off adults who don't need anything make such a fuss- none of my family are short of cash or STUFF, and I'd rather we all just gave the pointless spending a miss.
I would never make a disparaging comment about a present to the giver, even if it's true eg the wrong size (take it back yourself and exchange for the right size). Receive graciously even if it wasn't given with grace.
Bake eg a cake for whole families - they love it. Wine, foodstuffs, choc (homemade if you can be bothered). All go down well. TKMaxx are good for exotic foodstuffs at a decent price. Buy only for the kids.
I'd tell them,
'oh those don't fit I'm a size 10'
'sorry but I don't eat meat'
I've asked MIL not to get me anything this year as it is invariably a stocking full of crap she bought in a charity shop. (I phrased it more nicely and asked for books for DD that we could read together)
Meanwhile she's asked us for expensive knitting needles. The value of presents exchanged is never, ever commensurate which I don't mind so much as I mind having to store all the tat she buys us each year.
I got well and truly fed up of shit presents from DH's family so I've simplified it now. They all have a £5 budget and a token gift eg box of chocolates, bottle if wine, smellies, or a hardback book that I've found on offer.
Life is too bloody short to waste time, effort and money on people that don't care about me!
I have used the money saved from the inlaws to spend more on my family and friends who I like
DH can't say anything as I'm giving his family similar presents to what they give me.
Our ILs were always awkward to buy for, and required much trawlling through the shops to find something worthwhile. DS 1 was due in Christmas week and I was unable to go round town months in advance. I made the most of maternity time by making jewellry (I know it may not have been all recepients' taste, but at least I invested time in it so hope it was appreciated), but in the absence of being able to browse for BiL, I delegated to DH.
DH had two presents to buy. His brother's and mine. Simples. Except he is a man. He left it to the last minute. Baby came a bit early, and we had a rough time, so there was zero opportunity to think of shopping for anything other than maternity pads in the week leading up to Christmas. So BiL and I had nothing. DH explained. BiL took it well and as we now had a DC, a buying for children only rule was implemented. Much, much better than trying to mutually buy for people with different taste who need nothing.
We've gone a stage further. We are now fed-up of buying duplicate toys for the DNs who have everything, that we now give a family day trip for their birthdays as we were fed up of giving over reciepts and wails of "I've already got that!". Unfortunately when you think you spotted a gap in the toy collection, it turned out that it was just deep in the bowels of the toy store.
Giving gratutious tat is a waste of time and money. Things like budget quotas and secret santas at least provide more challenge and interest to the giving. There's certainly no point to spending more time and money than you can justify to be given silly tat in return.
My future MIL once gave me an oven glove for Xmas. I did not take the hint. I gave it to my fella - he's the chef in our house!
A crappy little fajita pan and chicken fajita kit
It doesn't come with actual chicken
I have a fajita pan and I am a vegetarian. It grills peppers nicely
I understand what you are saying - there is nothing wrong with receiving a fajita pan per se, but if you want to buy someone that then buy them a decent well-chosen one! Not some cheap bit of tat that has been bulk bought to pair up with a branded food product and boxed up to make it look like something special when it's not. I'd happily have a decent pan as a gift any day - just not a cheap rubbishy pan in a gimmicky presentation 'set' that some lazy git had grabbed off the shelf while doing their grocery shopping and gone 'yeah that'll do - cross her off the list.'
YANBU. This drives me nuts. My pet bugbear is any kind of present that is an ordinary/shoddy supermarket item dressed up as a fancy gift by putting it in a stupid box with a Christmas bow on the front, like your fajita 'set' or things like boxed up bottles of bog standard beer or half bottles of wine with a stupid glass with a logo on it.
That's not a present FFS, it's an insulting token/tick box gesture that says the giver is obliged to buy something but can't be bothered to think about what the recipient would really enjoy or need at all.
It makes me very cynical about Christmas.
Aah sorry, phone typing! Carrying on, a bicycle pump for Christmas . another year I had been hoping for God's which I had asked for six months and opened my GHD box excitedly only to find hair product samples and some gaudy bad that was unusable. His explanation was that they were not practical as a present?! Just to clarify, we weren't short on cash and I would always put great thought into what he wanted. Bit desperate of me really looking back. From his parents I would get useless pieces of jewellery, notebooks and diaries and cookbooks for things I couldn't eat. They came from the school of practical presents they thought you should be using/panic buying instead of looking at me as an individual and what I may want as gifts. No matter how often I asked to not receive anything - and from him in particular - I would have preferred a nice dinner! The gifts I could never use or want kept coming. I had even made an amazon list for him to buy from but nothing ever arrived!I got autobiographies of bill Clinton to read when I had put down the latest Jackie Collins because that was better for me!! My mother does this too - even though at 35 I tell her I don't need presents I still get pyjamas I don't wear and clothes I don't want for presents. Sorry for rant this subject is close to my heart!
I remember as a kid the crushing disappointment upon receiving itchy jumpers I wouldn't wear and toiletries that I would never use and just stuff that was completely useless! I swore off presents at a early age.
Being bridesmaid to one of my best friends was tough as she wanted to spend a ridiculous amount of money on a bracelet as a present for all of us that was very much in her style and the other bridesmaids but something I would never ever wear. I told her so as I was horrified at the waste and that I didn't want presents from her anyway! She was hurt at first but then understood what I was trying to say.
I hate giving gifts just for the sake of giving gifts. It doesn't matter why should someone feign great pleasure over receiving total tat? My mil now gets junk from the market and tries to give it to me and I politely say thank you but it's not something I will ever use. Fortunately my DH is very firm with her and tells her it's tat (Dutch bluntness). We get all kinds of random junk presents from people in his family like pin badges that they buy en masses cheap from the market! There is no thought in gifts like that it is just some bizarre keeping up appearances thing. I hate the waste of money and as an adult would rather receive nothing at all.
There is such pleasure and fun in selecting thoughtful and appropriate gifts for people. When that is not reciprocated it can be very hurtful . You are not being ungrateful - why on earth should you pretend to be thrilled with some rubbish fajita set!! I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest. I would stick to presents or vouchers for the kids and nothing for adults.
Ghost, that SUCKS! I'm so sorry.
OP, my DH's family all tell each other exactly what they want for Christmas in advance. I thought it was a bizarre custom when I first married into it, but now I find it normal. It takes some of the fun out of Christmas Day because you never get a cool surprise gift, but it also takes away a lot of the upset because you never get a disastrous surprise gift that you have to pretend you like and will use.
Obviously, converting your whole extended family to the joys of emailing out precise requests in advance would be impossible. But DontmindifIdo has a good suggestion above. Say you're doing X big thing, whether it's a big garden makeover or getting new kitchen appliances or whatever. And ask everybody for gift cards from one specific place, specifically because of this big project that you're doing. Ask soon, because some people start their Christmas shopping right after Hallowe'en. Some of them will probably ignore your request, but others will probably be secretly relieved and be happy to get a gift crossed off their list with minimal effort.
Also, I agree with whoever up above said to outsource the present-buying operation to your DH this year. They're his family, after all.
YANBU. I put up with eight years of utterly shite gifts from ex husband, including 100 greatest musicals hits knowing I hated musicals, ten dvds on Horror movies when I can't stand Horror films, a mini mag lite which he then promptly used and I never got a look in, diabetic chocolate when I am not diabetic, forgetting to even wish me happy birthday one year and then what might have been the final straw, a bic
I would have been happy with a crappy tin of biscuits and a 3 for 2 boots gift set last Christmas.
I got fuck all last year from my family, they all bought for each other, my children bought for their dad and a lovely present for their stepmum and her family and his family.
No one remembered me. Felt like shit on xmas day. You lot should stop whinging
Flying We know you were. Your experience sounds crap though.
Yes... Two years in that crappy little village school and then went to a lovely secondary school. I was only trying to say - if a gift feels deliberately rubbish it might well be and saying "they tried their best, you are so ungrateful" might be unfair.
flying that's awful. Did it work out OK in the end?
Gifts can be maliciously given. I moved when I was 9 and the girls in my class didn't want me. Mum made me invite them to my birthday and they all gave gifts that were deliberately mean... A broken picture frame with Kylie Minogue photo and big coffee stain, a pack of felt tips with no lids on so all dried out and a baby's room picture of pink elephants... It was clear from the giggling as I opened the gifts that they had all swapped the real gifts for junk from their homes. I smiled and thanked them, but I was crushed they could be so nasty for no reason.
The problem is you might think you are giving a lovingly thought-out gift but the receiver is rolling their eyes the moment you are out the door.
Yes i am looking at you would gives an endless supply of kilner jars stuffed with god knows what that you have spent ages boiling, stiring and sticking bows on.
I have long since given up on all this and take my family to the theatre for a Christmas show instead. I started this tradition with my kids & parents as they have most of the 'stuff' they need, and now I take my kids & nephews. It's not the cheapest gift but everyone has a nice time (I think) and if they don't at least they don't have to look at it for more than 2 hours.
If I'm seeing people on the day I'll also give a small token gift.
YANBU it's quite hurtful when you buy thoughtful gifts & get tat in return, I'd rather they didn't bother, save themselves the cash & me the guilt of passing it all on to the charity shop, or recycle bin.
Giving anything other than money as a present is irrational, economic research has shown that present-receivers value gifts at less than what they cost, so would have been better off if they'd been given the equivalent amount of money instead.
Obviously two adults swapping banknotes is a bit pointless, so in addition to a rule that the only presents allowed are money, there needs to be a rule that only people who don't have their own income (mostly children) get presents. Anyone who has a job can buy their own shit.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.