Or this not on?

(149 Posts)
Soontobemama Sat 26-Oct-13 10:24:44

For your husband to decide to go to the pub after work without bothering to let you know when you're at home with his 11 week old baby?

Because that's what my 'D' H did yesterday and I'm not happy. He usually finished around 5 and calls me to let me know he is on the train and then I go and pick him up. When it was nearing 6 with no word from him I tried calling him and emailed him. No response. I called him 3 times in an hour and each call was ignored.

He got in just after 7 and was drunk. Won't have it that he has done anything wrong as he wasn't out late. To me that's not the point. I had no idea where he was and what if I had been trying to contact him in an emergency? He had no idea why I called 3 times but still didnt pick up or call me back.

I look forward to him getting home at night and clock watch as its a small break for me. Obviously as he was drunk I couldn't leave our baby with him at all so I had to do everything myself. He is still in bed now!

SarahBumBarer Sat 26-Oct-13 10:52:09

yes sorry meant *twicethis this week and last.

Soontobemama Sat 26-Oct-13 10:52:38

I'm breastfeeding so can't go out really.

It's not the going out that bothers me so much. Like I said he's been out plenty. However him going out is at the expense of me getting a break (we don't have anybody within 50 miles that could help). So if its prearranged then fine but to just decide he is going out and then to go without a thought for letting me know? It just tells me that he thinks DS is my responsibility.

Plus I don't think its ok to be rolling drunk with a small baby in the house. Tipsy ok but not as drunk as he was.

Soontobemama Sat 26-Oct-13 10:59:06

Ok sorry I will clarify as I'm
Pretty upset so not being clear.

He didnt get home much later than normal as he finished early on a Friday. However he was really drunk. Seems he had decided to finish work even earlier to get more drinking in. He didnt bother to let me know.

Our set up is such that I have no help except him. So I do need him in the evenings to hold the baby so I can eat dinner and get a few hours sleep before the night feeds start.

He has been out about 8 times since our son was born so its not like it was his first night of freedom.

SarahBumBarer Sat 26-Oct-13 10:59:17

If he goes out "plenty" then in reality didn't he know exactly why you rang him 3 times last night when he did not answer? Don't focus on hypothetical emergencies. Focus on the real issues of him being disrespectful and entitled (if that is in fact the case).

Wake him up. No parent gets to lie in until this time on a weekend unless you are guaranteed a huge level of reciprocity!

TheVermiciousKnid Sat 26-Oct-13 11:08:11

I understand exactly where you're coming from and I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I found it so hard with my first baby that I couldn't wait for my husband to get home in the evening and was upset if he was late. On the face of it, coming home at 7pm rather than 6pm (or whatever time he normally comes home) isn't much, but I would have been upset too. Him ignoring your phone calls and then sleeping in the next morning makes it a lot worse though, in my opinion.

steppemum Sat 26-Oct-13 11:09:27

well, I think he was very unreasonable not to text you to say where he was. I think that fact that you are sitting worrying where he is is reason enough to expect him to communicate.

But as for the rest, there are lots of issues here aren't there?

Drunk and the new baby, well, there will be lots of times when one or other of you is incapable whether through drink or illness. It isn't really a big deal (wrt the baby) that he is drunk, as he knew you were there, and baby was well cared for.

But it seems to me that you are actually cross about a wider issue. He was out twice in a week, leaving you in sole charge, and this isn't what you agreed/assumed when the baby was born. So you feel as if he is taking you for granted. You are at home and waiting, and, I am guessing, desperate for a break and some adult time, so when he comes home late, he is denying you that as well.

Wait til he is not hungover and talk about your expectations of each other. Explain why you need him there and why it annoys you when he goes out.
But it might make it easier if you both plan in times out for a drink, after work or with a friend or as a couple. You a both new parents and need to find your way in it.

steppemum Sat 26-Oct-13 11:11:25

sorry op, crossed posts with you as it took me so long to type

Nanny0gg Sat 26-Oct-13 11:15:12

YANintheslightestBU.

DizzyBlonde80 Sat 26-Oct-13 11:33:29

YANBU some days can seem really long when you have a small baby and an extra hour or two can feel like forever. If I couldn't contact my partner and he came home steaming we would be having words.

silverten Sat 26-Oct-13 11:38:36

Yeah that is pretty rubbish behaviour. The first few months do test your team-working skills and spontaneity isn't really something that works with this.

Try not to go completely ape, he probably just had a logic failure and didn't think it through. You are totally not being U though, it wasn't fair on you for him to just sod off with no contact.

Needadviceandfast Sat 26-Oct-13 11:44:14

Yanbu. Totally out of order for him to not let you know his plans and to ignore your calls. Some men seem to have no interest in understanding how it feels to be home alone with a (new) baby. Hope you manage to talk today and get your feelings across.

killpeppa Sat 26-Oct-13 11:48:38

my stb ex did this all the time only would stay out till 4am, I dealt with sick babies, pre term labour & his hangovers and overspending.

I couldn't deal with it any more- so I left after one if these nights ended up with him cheating.

if its a one of I'd have a stern word.
if not I'd lay down the law smile

xo

so here is what i would do

work out the alcohol expenditure PW

work out the hours PW

then go out and leave him with the baby - you can tell him your spending the money - but in your shoes tbh, i would squirrel away in a new bank account, then go to waterstones - buy a good book
buy a large coffee and almond croissant - and relax for 2 or 3 hours

pianodoodle Sat 26-Oct-13 12:00:53

YANBU at all he's being a thoughtless arse sad

I don't think he's that unreasonable. I'd only be annoyed that he didn't let me know.

Why don't you just ask for the time back, this what we have always done.

He had time out last night so you can go out this afternoon or arrange that on x night next week you will be going out/ having a friend round and he can look after the baby.

Soontobemama Sat 26-Oct-13 13:57:06

Well I've packed up me and DS and come to my mums.
At his suggestion so that I get a "break". In reality what he meant was so that he can go out again tonight and have the entire weekend to slob around. It's not going to be a break as my mum can't do anymore to help than he can. It's a break for him but may be more permanent than he realises.

He said he has seen my mood slipping more and more over the past few weeks. So his response has been to go out drinking rather than support me and help me? That says it all to me.

mrsmalcolmreynolds Sat 26-Oct-13 14:16:31

OP I totally understand the need for proper support and that you are angry with your DH (and YANBU on either count). However have you at any point actually talked to him and explained what you expect/need? If not then I think YABU to be possibly making this visit to your mum's a permanent split, unless there is other stuff in the background you haven't mentioned yet.

you should have left him with the baby and gone to your mums for a break

i certainly wouldnt of given him an opportunity to go out and piss away my family money AGAIN

diddl Sat 26-Oct-13 14:37:58

But OP is bfeeding & her baby is only 11wks.

Maybe she doesn't want to leave him!

killpeppa Sat 26-Oct-13 14:40:53

good for you OP.

you don't have to miserable while he runs around town on the piss (personal experience)

strength in numbers on MNsmile

TheIggorcist Sat 26-Oct-13 14:54:56

Tigoldbitties the OP having this afternoon off would not equalise things with her dh. She would have to have a scenario where he sits waiting for her to call for a lift, doesn't, stays out a few hours, and then comes home incapacitated in some way so that she can't be asked to do anything with the baby. That would be payment in kind.

cory Sat 26-Oct-13 14:59:35

In my books, once both parents are home they have the joint job of looking after the baby and the home. Anybody who intends to walk out on a joint job (= dump the other person with their half) needs to let the other person know.

We're assuming that the OP doesn't suddenly walk out on the baby without warning even if the dh is at home. So why is it ok for him?

And incidentally, those of you who think it's perfectly acceptable for the father of an 11week old baby to come home drunk and incapable without warning, would you think the same of any mother who wasn't breastfeeding? Why does it make a difference which one of them?

Soontobemama Sat 26-Oct-13 15:13:47

I can't leave DS as I'm breastfeeding and whoever said I don't want to is right too. He's 11 weeks old. I want to be with him all of the time but that doesn't mean I don't want DH there to help me.

Soontobemama Sat 26-Oct-13 15:17:14

Oh and yes I have spoken to him. He actually did something similar last Friday too which I had a thread about. I didn't mention it because I wanted people's thoughts on just last night. I told him that I felt he had let me down but he didnt agree as he "needed to go out". Despite it being the second time that week.

SarahBumBarer Sat 26-Oct-13 15:19:50

Sorry Cory - why does it make a difference which one of them what? confused and who says it does?

I think it is interesting that you say that once both parents are how they have a joint job of looking after the baby. I agree although I think a few SAHPs don't see it as joint - they see the WOHP as having to take over the role and "give them a break" when they get home which is not necessarily always fair to the WOHP parent (I have done both roles).

I would think that any person whining about their partner being out until 7 pm and objecting to their partner going out "just because they wanted to" WBU if this was a one off or even probably once a week TBH (apart from the not bothering to let you know bit which is just rude). Clearly this is a bigger issue than that however although something about a few of the OP's comments do raise slight alarm bells for me. It is OK for DH to want to go out sometimes (OK perhaps not as often as he is) and the fact that you OP want to be with DS "all of the time" does not mean that DH has to and I wonder if you are being a bit...controlling and he is reacting to that. Emotive word (controlling) sorry but I could not think of another.

OP - I am sorry it has come to this and I actually do think he sound utterly selfish in his behaviour today and intending to go out again tonight.

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