I feel demoralised and overwhelmed.....agai
I have posted previously under another name re my situation. My only DC (12y) is severely disabled. We have had a few upsets with DH family which are now contained if not resolved. I have suffered quite badly with depression/low self esteem issues the past year or two but am coming through this & had treatment. I also experienced bullying at work & had to leave in a hurry so found a contract role which lasts till next month. Things have lately been a little more settled.
Now, DS requires further major surgery which is scheduled at the very end of the work contract. So I won't be available for work while he convalesces though, on the plus side, at least I will be free to take care of him. But I NEED to work to keep the roof over our heads, am terrified I won't find something else. DC will deserve a wonderful Xmas and how will we pay for it?
I am studying for a PG qualification which is nearly completed...was scheduled to end January (already deferred through mitigation due to DC issues - no further deferment possible). I have to do some research within the next couple of weeks, how will I do this with all that is going on with DC? I am so worried about my poor boy.
My health has been pretty poor & I have piled on weight, have been addressing this lately by joining a gym, running when I can, doing fitness dvds at home, eating better etc. How will I do this while DC is convalescing? I know I will comfort eat and won't be able to leave the house or afford the gym. I also feel horribly guilty for working on myself like this when DC will never be able to even walk.
I don't know why I am posting here really...these issues can't be taken away but I need to somehow get though this and manage my life. I need to fight this feeling of fatalism....feeling that life/the universe etc has it in for me and will ensure that I don't succeed, that pressure will be piled onto my little family until we all break, and that I will remain on a step lower than everyone else.
You seem super strong - keep going! Maybe try replacing the wine with 2 tsps of cocoa in skimmed milk, with sweetener - lovely hot chocolate, and low calorie.
Practical help on finishing your MA: this is great for writing - if you've limited time, try getting all your notes out, spending a moment on thinking out what you want to say, deciding to put (researchers name) for all of the in-text references white you type, and opening up http://writeordie.com for a half an hour or an hour.
Doing this will help you quickly get a draft together, and editing it to be better after you've finished the initial writing is much less scary and much more positive-feeling.
Don't give up! Once you've got a final draft I can proofread it for you if you like? (I've worked in publishing so can help you out on that note.) And before final stage you could ask a colleague in the same area to have a read through and mention any notes to you?
Don't despair, you're nearly there!
Thank you pandarific so much for the great advice, I will follow it. I am trying to do this project methodically and make use of the limited time to achieve it. I have been just hopeless though today in doing what I set out to do and I want to do better. Please wish me all the best in having the will to just get this project done. I am frighteningly close to the deadline now.
I am sorry as I just fail over and over again. I wish I was not so convinced i was inferior. I am being honest now, I feel inferior to the majority of people I encounter. I wish I did not have such a conviction of this. I wish I felt that I was on more of an even keel with those around me; even if it turned out to be untrue. Obliviousness of my own inferiority would help me to be more effective, I understand exactly why those who have the gift of confidence generally achieve well. I never had that gift; trying to get it has been like hunting for the holy grail. I was born with a vital piece missing & i just have to accept that.
So I have given it up now. Self esteem, knowing in my bones that I am a worthwhile person, is just another source of happiness which is closed off to me. But all that matters is that I am more effective at doing what I have to do (complete my MA, care for DS, look for a new job etc).
We had a tough time today.....took DS to a restaurant for lunch, which he specifically asked for so we wanted to treat him. But when we got there, he had a meltdown and started swearing at the top of his voice & we had to take him out. We are social pariahs. DS has been in pain for weeks so I feel I have to stick up for him....but can't condone what he has done as I am convinced he knows better.
DS is like any teenager but also has severe physical & mental disabilities, the use of only 1 of 4 limbs and, at the moment, intense pain caused by nerve damage. Yet I am reprimanding him, I think he knows better but it could be that I am expecting too much of him.
Thanks pandarific so much for the offer to proofread, I may take you upon that
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.