I feel demoralised and overwhelmed.....again

(128 Posts)
Livingtothefull Fri 25-Oct-13 12:25:35

I have posted previously under another name re my situation. My only DC (12y) is severely disabled. We have had a few upsets with DH family which are now contained if not resolved. I have suffered quite badly with depression/low self esteem issues the past year or two but am coming through this & had treatment. I also experienced bullying at work & had to leave in a hurry so found a contract role which lasts till next month. Things have lately been a little more settled.

Now, DS requires further major surgery which is scheduled at the very end of the work contract. So I won't be available for work while he convalesces though, on the plus side, at least I will be free to take care of him. But I NEED to work to keep the roof over our heads, am terrified I won't find something else. DC will deserve a wonderful Xmas and how will we pay for it?

I am studying for a PG qualification which is nearly completed...was scheduled to end January (already deferred through mitigation due to DC issues - no further deferment possible). I have to do some research within the next couple of weeks, how will I do this with all that is going on with DC? I am so worried about my poor boy.

My health has been pretty poor & I have piled on weight, have been addressing this lately by joining a gym, running when I can, doing fitness dvds at home, eating better etc. How will I do this while DC is convalescing? I know I will comfort eat and won't be able to leave the house or afford the gym. I also feel horribly guilty for working on myself like this when DC will never be able to even walk.

I don't know why I am posting here really...these issues can't be taken away but I need to somehow get though this and manage my life. I need to fight this feeling of fatalism....feeling that life/the universe etc has it in for me and will ensure that I don't succeed, that pressure will be piled onto my little family until we all break, and that I will remain on a step lower than everyone else.

pandarific Fri 13-Dec-13 13:17:16

You seem super strong - keep going! Maybe try replacing the wine with 2 tsps of cocoa in skimmed milk, with sweetener - lovely hot chocolate, and low calorie.

Practical help on finishing your MA: this is great for writing - if you've limited time, try getting all your notes out, spending a moment on thinking out what you want to say, deciding to put (researchers name) for all of the in-text references white you type, and opening up http://writeordie.com for a half an hour or an hour.

Doing this will help you quickly get a draft together, and editing it to be better after you've finished the initial writing is much less scary and much more positive-feeling.

Don't give up! Once you've got a final draft I can proofread it for you if you like? (I've worked in publishing so can help you out on that note.) And before final stage you could ask a colleague in the same area to have a read through and mention any notes to you?

Don't despair, you're nearly there!

Livingtothefull Sun 15-Dec-13 01:41:26

Thank you pandarific so much for the great advice, I will follow it. I am trying to do this project methodically and make use of the limited time to achieve it. I have been just hopeless though today in doing what I set out to do and I want to do better. Please wish me all the best in having the will to just get this project done. I am frighteningly close to the deadline now.

I am sorry as I just fail over and over again. I wish I was not so convinced i was inferior. I am being honest now, I feel inferior to the majority of people I encounter. I wish I did not have such a conviction of this. I wish I felt that I was on more of an even keel with those around me; even if it turned out to be untrue. Obliviousness of my own inferiority would help me to be more effective, I understand exactly why those who have the gift of confidence generally achieve well. I never had that gift; trying to get it has been like hunting for the holy grail. I was born with a vital piece missing & i just have to accept that.

So I have given it up now. Self esteem, knowing in my bones that I am a worthwhile person, is just another source of happiness which is closed off to me. But all that matters is that I am more effective at doing what I have to do (complete my MA, care for DS, look for a new job etc).

We had a tough time today.....took DS to a restaurant for lunch, which he specifically asked for so we wanted to treat him. But when we got there, he had a meltdown and started swearing at the top of his voice & we had to take him out. We are social pariahs. DS has been in pain for weeks so I feel I have to stick up for him....but can't condone what he has done as I am convinced he knows better.

DS is like any teenager but also has severe physical & mental disabilities, the use of only 1 of 4 limbs and, at the moment, intense pain caused by nerve damage. Yet I am reprimanding him, I think he knows better but it could be that I am expecting too much of him.

Livingtothefull Sun 15-Dec-13 01:43:12

Thanks pandarific so much for the offer to proofread, I may take you upon that

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