I am posting in AIBU because I could really do with some external perspective on this, but it's a sensitive issue so please be gentle!
My sister has always been very dependent on my DM for support, practical and financial. A couple of years ago my DM had a severe stroke which left her paralysed and frail, and had to move into nursing care. After this my sister hit the bottle very heavily - she had always been a drinker but mum had picked up the pieces. My sister accumlulated a series of drink related convictions including assaults, lost her job and had her children removed. She recently completed a detox and has been sober since.
The financial issue is that just before DM's stroke she had agreed to loan my sister a deposit for a bigger house, my sister was going to rent out her existing home and buy the new one to live in. After the stroke my sister had my mum's bank details so transferred the money out and bought the house while DM was still in intensive care. Now a couple of years on my DM is going through her savings quite quickly, financing the cost of her nursing home. My sister has now sold the house and there was no equity beyond the original deposit cost. However she says she needs this money to live on as she was sacked from her job. She says she intends to pay it back later, she has made application for benefits and says her goal is to become an alcohol support worker - I asked a friend in that line of work what the chances are of her getting paid work in that area and he said she would need to have been in recovery for a couple of years at least. If she did get a paid job then, the income from it is less for a whole year than my sister owes my DM.
I told my sister that I thought this was not acceptable, as DM needs her money for her care. She told me that she needs to prioritise her own health and DM has enough money to pay her bills for 18 months, and then can sell her house. She said I was putting unfair pressure on her about money at a point when I should be supporting her recovery, and that I am selfish.
I should explain that my DM isn't in a position to address this herself - she is experiencing quite a lot of confusion since her stroke, she thinks her care home is a hospital and she will be going home, and that she still has her job, etc. However her confusion is not severe enough at the moment to count as not having capacity to take her own decisions.
I have tried to set this out fairly, do you think there is any degree to which AIBU about this? FWIW I believe that my sister has an undiagnosed personality disorder (I work in a related field so this isn't a totally gonzo analysis) and I do try to take this into account in my dealings with her. At the moment though I feel that if she doesn't pay my DM back her money I will have reached the end of the road with her. I recognize though that I am very emotional about all of this and am willing to listen to being told I am BU.
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AIBU?
about my mum's finances?
39 replies
KittyShcherbatskaya · 25/10/2013 11:55
OP posts:
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