AIBU or is DH about family outings?

(66 Posts)
Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 08:09:12

Ds (4) is on half term next week. Originally my mum and my aunt had arranged to have a day out with us. My aunt booked the day off work especially.

Then dh decided to have the week off so I told my mum and aunt we wouldn't be able to go out for the day with them because I KNEW dh wouldn't want to go. This morning dh said "we will take my parents out (PIL) for the day next week because they hardly see ds." They see him at least once a week without fail, sometimes twice. So I said "ok, but in That case will it be ok if we also see my aunt and mum for the afternoon."

And dh said (with a snappy aggressive look on his face) "I'd rather not because your mum and aunt see ds all the time." This is a lie, my mum sees him probably twice a week but my aunt - who has no children of her own and only one niece (me) and hence only one great nephew - barely ever sees him. Maybe once ever few months. She doesn't drive and lives over an hour away and still works full time so we don't see much of her. She is very very good to us and regularly sends clothes and books for ds. In fact when he was a baby she pretty well clothed him single handedly. It really pissed me off that dh was all "well I wanted a family week to ourselves." I said I can't very cancel on my mum and aunt saying was want some family time and the go out with his parents.

Aibu to think that if we're going out with his family for a day it isn't too much to see mine one afternoon? Dh rarely ever sees my family, I have to go on my own to family events, whereas I always go with him to things, always.

Inertia Thu 24-Oct-13 08:56:12

You have bigger problems in that case.

How does this unpleasantness manifest itself?

Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 08:56:55

I suppose initially aggressive in time and body language and then sulky.

Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 08:57:07

That should say tone not time!

BurberryFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 08:59:59

hmmm well mittensonkittens - how aggressive is aggressive? pointing? shouting? shoving? what?
and a grown man sulking about his wife seeing her family is just wtff?

Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 09:01:09

I can't explain it exactly. His voice, demeanour and facial expression just change...his eyes go sort of cold. Just unpleasant.

HarryTheHungryHippo Thu 24-Oct-13 09:02:19

He's a dick and your enabling him

teacher123 Thu 24-Oct-13 09:03:02

That is not normal. And as a teacher I'd be really cheesed off if DH suddenly took the week off work in half term and then started dictating what I could and couldn't do when I didn't even KNOW he was going to be off work! Why couldn't he come too or have a nice day at home in the peace and quiet?!

PedlarsSpanner Thu 24-Oct-13 09:03:24

sad he sounds a bit of a bully

Are you scared of him, esp.when his eyes go cold?

butterflyexperience Thu 24-Oct-13 09:03:30

If he doesn't see your family, you don't see his

You are not less important then is ego

Hath

butterflyexperience Thu 24-Oct-13 09:03:59

Hath?
Ffs

*hth

teacher123 Thu 24-Oct-13 09:04:01

Would he change his plans for you at short notice like this?

HarryTheHungryHippo Thu 24-Oct-13 09:04:35

Why would he ever change when you give in every time. Much like a tantruming child that is used to getting their own way.
I say this as someone who knows what it is like but trust me op the last thing you do is give in because he sulks.

quoteunquote Thu 24-Oct-13 09:04:55

Go on a day out with your mum and aunty,

He could use the time to grow up.

Stop putting up with ridiculous behaviour.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Thu 24-Oct-13 09:05:36

OP are to frightened of him? Are you frightened of how he would react of you went out with DS and your family and just left him at home for the day?

Mittensonkittens Thu 24-Oct-13 09:07:08

I don't like confrontation, which is completely my fault I know, so I tend to be the one compromising all the time.

No, I don't like it when his face changes and his eyes go cold.

Tabliope Thu 24-Oct-13 09:08:45

Your aunt has booked a day off. Extremely rude to cancel on her. That means you. If you DH doesn't like it then tough really. Ignore his unpleasantness or put him straight about it. Whatever, there's no way your aunt should have had this done to her when she's made plans including a day off. The more you do stuff like this - caving in to keep him happy - the more he will feel he can rule the roost and get away with it. Pull him up sharply about it maybe he'll think twice about doing it again. Feeling really sorry for your aunt right now.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 24-Oct-13 09:09:19

None of this is about fault. He sounds emotionally abusive to me and you sound frightened of him.

StanleyLambchop Thu 24-Oct-13 09:09:25

My DH took a week off in the summer holidays- it was lovely, but unexpected. We (as in myself & DC) had already arranged a few meet ups with friends that week, so it turned out that there was only one full day that we were actually free. That was the day which we went out as a family. The rest of the time we carried on with our original plans, even though they did not include DH. He then enjoyed some time to himself at home. If he had insisted I suddenly cleared the week to make way for his week off he would have got short shrift. Your DH is being VVVU. He is somehow controlling how much access your DC have to your side of the family? No way put up with that!

Tabliope Thu 24-Oct-13 09:10:06

Then if you don't like confrontation and don't like it when his face changes and his eyes go cold accept being a doormat, sorry harsh I know but that's what it amounts to. I could never give a man that power.

TheDoctrineOfAnyFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 09:13:04

You shouldn't be frightened of the person you are in a relationship with.

What would happen if you said "it's one day out of the week, we're going anyway, come with us or stay home?"

Blu Thu 24-Oct-13 09:15:35

If I was your aunt I would be really pissed off if Ihad taken a day's holiday in order to fit inb with your half term plans and then got cancelled because you give in to your DH's bullying / or I would be deeply concerned that my neice is so afraid to do something completely nirmal like keep plans made in advance.

She took a day off work!

Your H sounds like a controlling passive aggressive bully, and you are letting it happen.

This maybe because you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and he has managed to knock all the assertive stuffing out of you, or it may be that you are being a bit wet - but either way YANBU - the sequence of events you describe is not reasonable and I wonder why you even think it is?

I hope you can get some clarity and strength around this situation, OP - good luck!

colafrosties Thu 24-Oct-13 09:27:52

If you were to say you were going anyway, and just do it, how long would the "unpleasantness" last - would it be a short while and then he'd "get over it" or would it go on simmering for hours, days?

Jolleigh Thu 24-Oct-13 10:07:35

Not sure if I've missed something but it seems that the husband is getting some really extreme reactions here. Emotionally abusive? Bully? We all have a sulk from time to time. We all get angry. He's being completely unreasonable, yes, but by no means should people be jumping to conclusions about the man's whole character based on this one incident combined with the OP not liking it when he's annoyed and wanting to avoid that scenario.

Squitten Thu 24-Oct-13 10:10:43

It's terrible that a) he is behaving like a brat and a bully whilst being a complete hypocrite and b) that you feel the need to modify your behaviour in order to avoid escalating things.

That sounds like very abusive behaviour from him. It also sounds like he doesn't want you to spend time with your own family.

You have much bigger problems than a day trip.

Squitten Thu 24-Oct-13 10:11:26

Jolleigh I would agree is the OP wasn't afraid to act on her own. He is cowing her

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