AIBU to be pissed off with my husband?

(35 Posts)
FallingInBloodIsHardOnMeeeee Wed 23-Oct-13 22:25:53

Tonight I went to a bookclub. It was a big thing for me, I have social anxiety issues and never go out without him. I don't really have friends because of my anxiety so I went with my mum. I really enjoyed myself and mum said I did really well at talking to people, even though I was nervous.

I wanted to tell dh all about it but when I came in he was watching a film and told me about the entire plot of it so far (even though I have no interest in this sort of film) and what he'd spoken to his mate about. When he eventually asked me how my night had been I gave him a brief rundown, not really feeling in the mood now for a discussion. But I clearly said "I guess there were about 8 people there, mostly women". He appeared to be taking it in but no more than two minutes after I'd said this he said "so how many people were there then?".

I said I was going to bed and he was utterly bemused as to why I was annoyed. He now says he's sorry and he really is interested and he shouldn't have been so engrossed in the film and he should have asked me how my night was first. But, well he would say that anyway.

I KNOW it's not that interesting to him, he's not a big reader himself so listening to someone talking about a book group won't be that thrilling for him. But it was more about the fact he knows how hard I've found things like this. He's held me while I've sobbed about having no friends and no social life, he's made excuses to his family and friends as to why I'm not with him when he sees them. He knew this was a big deal and he couldn't even pretend to be interested?

I'm so hurt, but am I overreacting?

ILetHimKeep20Quid Wed 23-Oct-13 22:33:54

Yanbu, it was a big deal and he should have acknowledged that.

ercoldesk Wed 23-Oct-13 22:35:54

Yanbu. Sorry that's not terribly helpful, but hopefully he's just being insensitive at the end of a long day.

LalyRawr Wed 23-Oct-13 22:43:45

Yanbu.

It was important to you and therefore should be important to him.

Which is why I listen to all the chatter about transfers and points and goals from my OH (he plays Sunday league) and he listens to my chatter about my run times, game achievements, stuff I see on MN etc.

Bloody well done you by the way.

UncleT Wed 23-Oct-13 22:48:01

I guess the question that I, as a bloke putting myself in his shoes would ask, is how big a deal he understood this to be for you. How aware of your social anxiety issues is he? If the answer is 'very' then he is being completely uncaring and YANBU. However, if he's got any kind of grounds to not be aware of how big a deal this was for you, then perhaps you need to adjust your expectations accordingly. I say this without judgement, merely to provide some food for thought and play my favourite game - devil's advocate.

ImperialFucker Wed 23-Oct-13 22:50:03

I fancy going to a book group too. Which book were you reading? How do they choose which book to read?

MrPricklepants Wed 23-Oct-13 22:53:43

Stuff him. Tell me all about it. I'd love to join a real book club. How did you find it? Were you a complete stranger joining the club or did you go with a friend? What book are you reading next?

LalyRawr Wed 23-Oct-13 22:55:59

Oh and I would love to go to an actual, proper book club.

Never knew they existed outside of films/TV!

StrawberryGashes Wed 23-Oct-13 23:07:54

I think you're being a tad unreasonable as he apologised and then asked you how it went.

FuckeringNineToFive Wed 23-Oct-13 23:12:04

I think he has been a. Bit of a nob but he admits that.
Is there a book club on MN?

FuckeringNineToFive Wed 23-Oct-13 23:12:41

Sorry about random punctuation.

FallingInBloodIsHardOnMeeeee Wed 23-Oct-13 23:41:09

Imperial and Mr , thank you. It was the first one tonight, hoping to become a monthly thing. We all introduced ourselves (my heart was hammering and I was blushing and stuttering like a school girl but I think it was OK) then discussed our favourite books, or ones that will always stick with us. My choice was A Town Like Alice by Neville Shute. My mum found out about the group by chance, it's run in a new pub she has been to a couple of times. She had to do her best persuasion techniques on me to get me to go but I'm glad I did. Most of the others knew each other from previous groups but I had mum there and she is very confident and friendly. The "leader" asked for suggestions of how we should do things, we said since it will be once a month we should have two books at a time - this month's are The Grapes Of Wrath and one called 13 Reasons Why, which I haven't heard of but sounds brilliant. It was suggested by one of the members' teenage daughter. The other was because most of us had mentioned reading John Steinbeck at one point or another.

Uncle my husband is well aware of my issues, having had to deal with them for the past six years or so.

I don't like being cross with him, he is usually so considerate and loving, we have an amazing relationship. It just hurts that I wanted to share it with him and for him to feel proud of me but instead I'm sulking in bed while he's downstairs not knowing what to say to make me feel better. Part of me wants to go and give him a hug and just forget it butbut the other part is still angry. I really pushed myself for this.

Thank you for listening,I feel a bit better already. I was considering not going again.

MrPricklepants Wed 23-Oct-13 23:45:37

The Grapes of Wrath... Wowsers. Quite a serious book club then? Never read it myself but did plough through East of Eden once.

Well done on getting out there. I really hope you continue to go to and to enjoy your book club!

UncleT Wed 23-Oct-13 23:46:49

Fair enough Falling - if he's fully aware of your longstanding issues and this truly represents a big step for you, then he's definitely being unreasonable not giving it his full attention.

thehorridestmumintheworld Wed 23-Oct-13 23:57:47

Hi falling I love Neville Shute too have you read Round the Bend one of my favourites.
As for your dh he was BU but don't let that spoil your evening. Don't let the sun go down on your grapes of wrath. Tell him you are expecting him to make it up to you.

Skimty Thu 24-Oct-13 00:03:05

Sometimes we can sabotage people that we love when they are changing. Not in an emotionally abusive way but just in a natural fear of change way. We all slip into our roles and however much we dislike them it is uncomfortable when they are shifted around. I doubt your husband was consciously doing this but it could have been an unconscious thing.

Casmama Thu 24-Oct-13 00:07:10

I think you are overreacting.
I maybe wrong but it sounds like he does a lot of supporting and you do a lot of taking support so perhaps give him a break in this instance.

UncleT Thu 24-Oct-13 00:11:11

Casmama - past form on the issue in question certainly should be taken into consideration.

lessonsintightropes Thu 24-Oct-13 00:16:42

I quite enjoyed 13 reasons why, and think it would be a good topic for book group discussion - just a word of warning though if you have anxiety issues (sorry if I am reading too much into it) the topic of teen suicide is quite full on. Hope you enjoy the group, I love talking to friends about books and have a small private FB group of friends and friends of friends to do exactly this.

But... it would bore the tits off my DH. He's not really a reader - gets through a book a year if that (I'm a five a week girl myself) but we knew when we got together there were a few interests we didn't really have in common. His reaction in the same circumstances would be the same as your DP. Doesn't mean he isn't happy you've had a really interesting and stimulating time, just means he can't really relate. I think talking to your Mum about how exciting you've found it and thinking about what you're next reading about would be the best place for discussion. I really don't think he's trying to sabotage you, he's just not that interested in this specific thing. Try and see it as a great branching-out experience that will help you have more independent interests - I would! Please don't sulk, it'll take him time to adjust to the fact you've got new social activities which don't necessarily rely on him but believe me he will probably see this as a massive plus after a few weeks (he probably also needs to see this is a lasting change rather than an experiment). Sorry if I sound a bit mean, genuinely trying to help and hope you carry on enjoying it.

lessonsintightropes Thu 24-Oct-13 00:20:41

And please don't not go next time just because he wasn't supportive enough - he might feel a bit suspicious and not sure if this is something that will 'take' in terms of your becoming more social - he will be so pleased to be proved wrong (I hope)! It sounds like it will be a really lovely thing for you.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 24-Oct-13 00:22:18

I don't think you are over-reacting at all OP. He was a complete arse.thlsad

I am glad that your evening went well. It must have taken a lot of courage for you. Well done.thlsmile

OP, well done for going! I know what you mean about the anxiety, I had CBT for it years ago. I Still can't go to supermarkets too often though.
YANBU about your DH reaction, however it sounds like he is generally sorry about it.
Are you going to keep going? I would love to join a book group myself. Me and DC are members of the library and it's fab. Like many pp's, my DP isn't into himself.

isn't unto himself confused I meant into it himself Obviously.

jellyboatsandpirates Thu 24-Oct-13 10:57:31

I think you're being a tad unreasonable as he apologised and then asked you how it went.

This. He did acknowledge and apologise, and then ask how it went.

mrsmika Thu 24-Oct-13 11:31:41

Yanbu. My Dh is the same. Comes home from work and gives me a full run down of his day, who's shagging who, what 'treats' had been bought in that they 'had' to eat, who many emails were in his inbox on arriving etc etc, and doesn't once ask me how my day had been, even if he knew I had something important on? Winds me up no end!

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