To feel sorry for some dads during labour when....

(131 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Wed 23-Oct-13 16:37:51

....at the crucial moment the woman says she wants someone else with her at the birth?

I have just watched an episode of OBEM and the woman in labour (aged 18) had her mom with her and the baby's dad who she'd been in a relationship with for two years. In one scene the mom left the room and the guy told his partner that he wished there was more time for just the two of them so they could talk and just be alone together. He said, "Afterall, it is our baby." He was very nice about it but it pulled on my heart strings a little. Sadly the labour didn't progress as well as hoped and the woman needed to be taken to theatre for assisted delivery and she just kept saying, "Can my mom come? I want my mom. I want my mom!" The dad asked the staff if he could go too but they said only one adult could accompany. The woman continued to say she wanted her mom and so they all left the room leaving the poor dad, absolutely petrified and in tears on his own. The cameras just showed him sitting there on a chair in silence in the corner of the room clearly in bits as to what was going on.

I fully understand that in such a daunting situation like labour the woman should have whoever she chooses with her because she needs to be kept calm, but I still can't help feel sorry for the dad's who might get pushed to the side and miss the birth of their child.

When me and husband watch OBEM together and a similar scenario arises he said that he would never allow me to choose someone else over him because he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born. Obviously this is hypothetical and I would never want anyone but my husband by my side anyway. He also has a little rant about the 'maternal grandmas to be' who are at the labours and says he can't believe they push the dad out - he reckons that when they are told only one adult can be with the pregnant woman during dangerous periods of labour they should back down out of courtesy and allow the couple to share the moment.

Like I said, I fully support any woman's choice to have whoever she wants at the birth but I do feel bad for some men if they are made to miss it.

I'm just curious if anyone on here has been in any kind of similar situation and how your partners reacted?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 23-Oct-13 17:07:04

I love DH, but when things started to go wrong duribgt DS' s birth, I was up in stirrups and twisted round to find that DH was crying (he was scared) and actually saidt 'Icant deal with you being like this right now! ' I just couldn't deal with trying to comfort someone else or respond to his emotions when I was in that situation. I honestly think I would cope better alone. DH would have a stress induced heart attack though if he didn't know what was going on, so I would probably let him be there again. As long as he didn't try and talk to me or stroke my fucking head.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 23-Oct-13 17:07:45

Oh havantguard that image just gave me the biggest chuckle grin

jammiedonut Wed 23-Oct-13 17:09:22

My mumanddh were with me. My dh wasn't too happy at first, but after having been through the labour and birth with her has already asked her (with no prompting from me) to be present at the next one. He was able to be 100% there for me, holding my hand whilst my mum ran around being practical, reminding me to breathe (!) and giving him a chance to rest /eat when he needed to. if we'd had to go to theatre, I wanted dh with me, but he wouldn't ever dare to tell me that I wouldn't have the choice! My mum was support for ME, not baby, as soon as he understood that there was no issue.
The episode of obem involved teenage mum and dad didn't it? I remember thinking how young the mum was when she spoke about her bf not seeing 'down there'. He wasn't incredibly supportive from what I remember, so I'm not surprised she wanted her mum with her.

Weasleyismyking Wed 23-Oct-13 17:13:01

grin at havantguard

'During dangerous periods of labour the grandmother to be should back down and let the couple share the moment'

This is nonsense I'm afraid. If the labour is problematic then the mum needs all the support she can from whomever she chooses.

It's not a spectator sport.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 23-Oct-13 17:13:36

I actually think he was a really nice guy and would have been much more supportive if he'd had the opportunity to be. When the girl's mother left the room he instantly went to his partner, held her hands, was kissing her and the bump and making chit chat to try and distract her etc. He didn't get the chance to do any of that when granny-to-be was in the room as she took over that role. In fact, the only time the young girl was either smiling or laughing was when it was just the two of them alone talking inane chatter.

justmatureenough2bdad Wed 23-Oct-13 17:19:16

perhaps the father can just wait at home while women deal with all the mucky business, and then when the little lady returns home with the nipper in tow, she can wash, clean and dress it and present it to the father who, after all, has nothing to do with the process....!

oh no, hang on, we live in the 21st century! maybe we should question why only 1 person is allowed to attend the mother...i don't think there is a medical reason, as exceptions are certainly made...so is it just an administrational decision?

Or perhaps men should take over the whole birthing process regardless of what the mum wants?

jammiedonut Wed 23-Oct-13 17:24:30

I thought living in the 21st century meant that women are allowed the choice over who attends them at one of the most terrifying moments they will ever go through.

5madthings Wed 23-Oct-13 17:25:25

Ultimately its up to the woman in labour a sit should be.

You can have two people at a normal birth, for one I had my dp and a friend,'for another I had my dp and my eldest son but if you have a c section its one person because of space issues in theater etc,'they have to have a team of staff, anaesthatist, surgeon, midwife,theater staff and maybe a paed if the baby needs so they only allow one birthign partner.

justmatureenough2bdad Wed 23-Oct-13 17:26:18

its not a case of disregarding what the mum wants...there is no need to be so militant about that...

but by the same token it shouldn't be a case that the father is completely disregarded either

Writerwannabe83 Wed 23-Oct-13 17:27:36

That's really interesting that you had your son there 5madthings - it isn't something I have heard said a lot! smile How old was he and how did he find it?

I had the opposite scenario, where I only wanted DH, who was incredibly supportive and reassuring, and I had murders with my mother throughout the whole pregnancy insisting she had a 'right' to be at the birth of her first grandchild. It was incredibly stressful and annoying to be smugly told 'You will want me there when the time comes', and insisting I had to have someone who knew what was going on even though she'd had 4 planned c sections

Anyone bickering or kicking up a fuss about who's allowed to be where during labour is an arse. Fact. The only person who's opinion or decisions matter a hoot are the woman who is actually going through labour.

Well if she can only chose one person, that's that, no?

There's no middle way. You either let her chose or not.

FreakinRexManningDay Wed 23-Oct-13 17:31:07

Its probably to minimise the amount of bugs in hospitals,especially maternity ones where there are vulnerable babies in the NICU.

If the girl wanted her mother then of course the mother should go. Why distress her daughter during a very traumatic time by insisting the father of the baby be there?

Bluecarrot Wed 23-Oct-13 17:31:48

My DP is great at calming me just by hugging me, but my best friend would be a better birthing partner- good advocate, knows what to say etc. I have mentioned to DP that I want her as a back up and just hope he isn't offended.

5madthings Wed 23-Oct-13 17:32:48

He was 11 and he was fab,'the midwives commemted that he was better than many dads!

He was fine the whole way apart from one bit where he put his jumper over his head and took a few deep breaths to compose himself.'he cutthe cord and was one of the first people to hold did. We have lovely photos, its a moment I will always treasure.

He requested to be at the birth but we said of at anu time he was uncomfortable he could go for a walk or get a taxi home (we are ten mins from hospital and my my was at home with my other three boys).

As it was all went smoothly ( as it had withmuy other four labours) and he really enjoyed being there.

And when it comes to what a woman wants in labour/birth then yes thethe father can be disregarded if that is what a woman wants, no-one has a right to be with someone giving birth.

FreakinRexManningDay Wed 23-Oct-13 17:34:23

justmature a mother in labour and birthing,her choices trump the fathers feelings about who she wants as her support.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 23-Oct-13 17:34:33

It is the woman's body and choice as regards both abortion and birth rights. Dad gets no say in either and rightly so. Yabu.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 23-Oct-13 17:34:40

That's amazing that an 11 year old could deal with the labour, you must have been so proud of him! It sounded lovely smile

"He would never allow me to chose anyone over him and he would never forgive me for making him miss his child being born"

I hope he didn't really say this. It's a bizarre point of view.

DownstairsMixUp Wed 23-Oct-13 17:36:31

Hmm well each to their own, I don't think I could personally deprive my DP the chance to see his baby born into the world. I'd feel a bit guilty about him missing out!

Writerwannabe83 Wed 23-Oct-13 17:37:51

Only in a hypothetical rant thisisaeuphemism and only because he knows I would never pick anyone over him anyway - hence the 'freedom' to say it smile If in real life he did think I'd want someone else and had a valid reason for it then I know he'd be much less ranty smile

Thants Wed 23-Oct-13 17:38:18

Op your dh sounds like a controlling arse. He should be caring about you not himself. Sounds like he hates women a bit, no empathy and suspicious of the grandmother..
I think the emotional welfare of the birthing woman is paramount. At a time when you feel most afraid your mum is probably the person you turn to.

I have a hypothetical ranter at home too smile

Best ignored!

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