Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

To want DH to tell me he is bringing friends around?

(23 Posts)
PavlovtheCat Wed 23-Oct-13 13:57:05

To be pissed off with DH for bringing his friends home from the gym without a quick call to let me know?

I am off sick from work with a poorly back, look a fright and was planning on going into the bath. This thus means, getting out of the bath, drying myself, dressing etc. I like walking around my place in the buff.

I had planned on going to the gym/for a swim to ease my back/stretch it, but then DH announced he and his friend was going, so I decided not to go with them as I have hairy legs, and am not able to work out like they are etc. So I decided to have a bath instead.

Prior to this bath, I was sat in my jimjams, hair a mess, face awful, just well just looking rough in the kitchen.

DH walks up the stairs with his friends (another friend joined them at the gym), straight into the kitchen (in a maisonette) where I can't avoid being seen as I am in here. I said he should have given me notice they were coming so I could get dressed. He laughed and said he should have given notice so I could make them all a bacon butty that didn't really go down very well either

I didn't want to eat my sarnie with them in the kitchen as I felt quite embarrassed.

I decided to have my bath regardless of them being there, as I have to go out to get kids and do parent meeting, so needed to look nice, and DH needs to be dropped off at work first. They leave after their bacon sarnies. DH comes into the bathroom after knocking first (which means he knows I am annoyed). I ask him why he knocked, he said he was being polite and I said it would have been more polite to let me know that he was bringing his friends around so I could have made myself more presentable. I said that if they had been 10 mins later I would have been in the bath or coming out of it or walking around naked, and I like being able to do that, or, if I know someone is coming around then I won't. I said that it would not have hurt to give me a quick bell on his way back and said 'the lads are popping in for a cuppa'. He stomped out of the bathroom.

And he has just stormed off to work without a lift, with no kiss and in a right shitty, not talking to me. I am really pissed off now as it means there will be an atmosphere tonight, I had planned to make a cake for us all, have a nice evening. It's just gonna be a big cloud. I don't know if he even wants me to get him from work.

AIBU or should I have smiled sweetly and accepted that I can't walk around the house naked just in case he chooses to bring a friend around, and that I have to have myself looking vaguely human every second of the day incase someone walks into the house without any notice. I know you could argue that perhaps it was to be expected that his friend might pop in after, but his friend had already called asking to meet him there as he couldn't give him a lift back home as he was busy, so I was not expecting anyone to come back with him.

So, to be clear, I am not saying he can't bring his friends around, but want to know whether I was being unreasonable for wanting some warning, so that I could either get in the bath quickly and stay there before they got here, or disappeared/got dressed whatever.

Yeah I'd want him to call first and my dh usually does. But sometimes he nips in past when at work and brings a colleague (as they are in pairs) and EVERY time I am either cooking so the kitchen is a tip or getting dressed!

Maybe accepting his apology when he came into the bathroom and saying 'okay great just give me a call next time and ill make sure I'm not naked' would have done the job tho.

Oh YANBU

PavlovtheCat Wed 23-Oct-13 14:02:12

purple he didn't apologise! else I might have just skirted over it.

Oops I didn't read that correctly did I, he didn't apologise when he came into the bathroom. Ignore me.
YANBU anyway smile

PavlovtheCat Wed 23-Oct-13 14:03:43

thank you grin

not only did he not apologise, he laughed and said he should have given me notice to make them all their lunch!

YANBU.

However is he annoyed at being told to at least txt ahead, or the tone/way you told him?

It's easy sorted out tonight, but if it isn't then you need to address why he carries on over something minor.

PavlovtheCat Wed 23-Oct-13 14:05:47

I suspect he is annoyed that a) I dared say something in front of his friends who both found it highly amusing that I was in my jimjams, and that I remained cross with him when he came into the bathroom, having still not apologised and complained about it.

PavlovtheCat Wed 23-Oct-13 14:06:40

He has already made it more serious by walking out in a huff to work leaving the tension there. All he had to do was say 'sorry babe didn't think' or some other passifying statement.

Davsmum Wed 23-Oct-13 14:06:42

YANBU to be pissed off with him. He should respect that you live there too and he should pre warn you of 'visiotrs'

If he left for work without talking to you and was being shitty - I would let him find his own way home unless he calls to ask if you are picking him up.

You haven't done anything wrong - unless you were nasty or sarcastic in your tone when you spoke to him about what he did?

PavlovtheCat Wed 23-Oct-13 14:07:18

and I expect the tone, I was not light and airy about it, I was pissed off, and embarrassed and felt like I had to hide in the bathroom til they left.

PavlovtheCat Wed 23-Oct-13 14:07:57

davs not nasty or sarcastic, but I was grumpy about it. I did not laugh and joke about it for example.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 23-Oct-13 14:21:54

YANBU

Am I allowed to say that it doesn't surprise me based on other things you've said about your DH over the years?

Sorry to hear the back is still not right.

PavlovtheCat Wed 23-Oct-13 14:25:28

grin yes, you are allowed to, and have a good memory!

My back is not as bad as it has been, following surgery in June, just a blip I hope. thank you smile

PavlovtheCat Wed 23-Oct-13 14:30:28

I expect it will all blow over fine enough, just pissed me off, and when he leaves in a huff it means I stew on it. It's a common issue. Our front door does not self lock, and if one of us does not lock it, people can just walk in. There has been times when I have been naked and another time I was just in semi see through jim jams, or in bed and no-one around, where DH has not locked the door after him. People just walk in, they do not ring the door bell. And when I shut the door properly, if someone is coming around, they get annoyed like 'why is your door locked?' !

The other day, a friend of ours/his walked in, up the stairs, shouted hello and went and put the kettle on shock while we were watching tv! DH knew he was coming around, but I didn't. I had not intended to be there but plan changed.

I don't like people coming in unannounced. Not that I am hugely bothered about people turning up unannounced, sometimes that's nice, but not actually into my house unannounced. I would never do that to someone. Ever. Even if I know them intimately. A friend has her door unlocked and I open the door as she has a new baby and is often stuck on the sofa, but I open it a little and say 'hello? is it ok to come in?' and she is expecting me anyway.

Davsmum Wed 23-Oct-13 14:35:19

All I know, Pavlovthecat,.. is if my DP did what your DH did - I would have been really angry - and if I did that to him - he would probably go ballistic.

MuffCakes Wed 23-Oct-13 14:38:51

It's not just your house though is it? Why should you get the vote on who can come round and when when it's both of yours home.

livinginwonderland Wed 23-Oct-13 14:43:56

YANBU! It's just common courtesy to let someone know - it's your house and him having friends over affects you as well as him. I've never said "no" to DP having anyone round, but he always lets me know first and then I'm fine - I normally shut myself in the bathroom and enjoy some peace and quiet while they play video games!

whois Wed 23-Oct-13 14:48:28

I don't tell my DP if I'm bringing a friend round not does he tell me in advance if its just a brief call by. Do give advance notice if people have been invited for dinner or something.

I don't see it as a big deal.

Davsmum Wed 23-Oct-13 15:42:07

Mufcakes - The OP doesn't mind her DH bringing people home - she would just like to know first!
Its bloody rude not to at least let your partner know and to just bring people round when it may not be convenient.

PavlovtheCat Wed 23-Oct-13 19:28:55

muff perfectly happy for them to come, just would have liked to not be in my jimjams and minging for them to see. If I was told they were coming I would have got changed/made myself scarce.

And, we sometimes have guests who pop in unannounced. And that is fine too. These friends sometimes pop in after the gym if DH isn't with them, but, when the first I know of it as seeing them walking toward me with nowhere for me to go, that's my issue!

Anyway. I rose above it. I went to get DS and DD from school and do what I needed to, I listened to some fab shouty music, got it all out of my system, then picked DH up from work unannounced. He was very grateful as it takes 40 mins of uphill walking for him to get to work and he had done two hours at the gym. He is not the fittest yet so it fucking killed him grin He knew he had messed up when he said 'i thought I had blown my lift' and I told him he nearly did. He will try to remember to let me know in future so I can make myself presentable/scarce.

The air is cleared, he knows he was rude to me. He didn't apologise, but sometimes you got to take what you can right? grin

Thanks for helping me realise I am not just some controlling woman who demands too much wgt to her privacy but that it is decency to let your partner know if people are coming in grin

Oakmaiden Wed 23-Oct-13 21:17:15

Hmm. It would never occur to me to ring my husband and check if I could bring a friend over, if I happened to be out with said friend and feel like inviting them over. Nor would I expect him to feel the need to check with me.

I think you are BU.

Oakmaiden Wed 23-Oct-13 21:18:09

Oh. Just read your last post - I see the issue has been resolved smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now