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AIBU?

DH leaving for work before our nanny was 'on duty'

91 replies

LifeTooShort · 23/10/2013 09:32

DH and I both work long hours in senior positions in the legal profession.

We have 3 year old twin DDs.

Since having the DDs I have dropped down to 4 days a week. On the days that I work we are heavily reliant on our wonderful live-in nanny who works from 7.30am to 7.30pm plus 2 late nights a week. On the other nights DH and I take it in turns to be home on time. We also share the childcare at the weekend. DH is a great dad and the DDs adore him.

Because I often get home after the DDs are in bed, I almost always spend time with them in the morning. Unusually, this morning I had to leave very early for a meeting so I crept out before the DDs were awake. I told them yesterday before that I would be leaving while they were sleeping and said that I would be home before bedtime instead.

I have just telephoned the DDs and DD1 told me that when she came into my bedroom this morning - she always comes in the minute her Gro clock switches to daytime at 7.30am - both me and daddy were gone.

It turns out that as I disturbed DH as I was leaving he decided to leave for work early too. He said he left a few minutes before 7.30am and the DDs were fast asleep. That means that technically there was no one responsible for the DDs in the few minutes before our nanny started work.

The DDs have been taught not to go to the nanny's room as that is her private space but I'm sure that if there had been a problem the DDs would have made enough noise to catch the nanny's attention and she would have come down to them. But what if, for example, she had woken up unwell this morning, or if she was unwilling to take charge of the DDs before her actual start time of 7.30am? If I'd known that DH wanted to leave early I could have asked the nanny to start a few minutes earlier and I'm sure she would have agreed.

There is no harm done. DD1 will have been wondering where we were for a couple of minutes but will have forgotten about it as soon as she saw her beloved nanny (although she remembered to tell me on the telephone). But AIBU to think that DH was wrong for leaving until our nanny was on duty and should not have assumed that because the DDs were asleep it would be fine to leave a few minutes early.

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Grennie · 23/10/2013 09:36

Yes he was wrong to do this. He was actually relying on the nanny dealing with it if anything went wrong. Totally unfair on her.

3bunnies · 23/10/2013 09:36

Was the nanny aware that she was in charge? If not then he needs to make sure that he tells her. I would wait to hear the situation from an adult though.

mumof5plusazoo · 23/10/2013 09:37

I have to say I would not be impressed at all if I were you. I would be having words with my dh when he got home.

Aeroaddict · 23/10/2013 09:38

Yes he was wrong, but I don't think it is a massive problem. There was another adult in the house, and she was on duty at the time he knew your DD's get up.

kitnkaboodle · 23/10/2013 09:39

I don't think it's a big deal if the nanny lives in the same house as you. But I might be teed off if I were her, as it's assuming that she is happy to cover odd bits and bobs of time that aren't in her schedule. Could be the thin end of the wedge

Artandco · 23/10/2013 09:39

No he really shouldn't. As a nanny if I was living in and herd children screaming at a time I wasn't working I wouldn't go and check as would assume parents were dealing with it and wouldn't want me to interfere. So unless they actually came to door and said they were alone or started shouting parents names with no response I wouldn't assume they are alone

WorraLiberty · 23/10/2013 09:39

He was wrong because what if the Nanny overslept?

Two 3yr olds with no parents in the house and a Nanny whose door they're not allowed to knock on, could have wreaked havoc.

Mellowandfruitful · 23/10/2013 09:40

He shouldn't have done that. Point out to him that it weakens your DD's trust in you both and also your trust in him to be the person in charge of them.

Also, your nanny sounds like an absolute star, but even she will get fed up if people take the piss. Remind him that if the nanny thinks she's being taken advantage of and goes, you will both be stuck trying to find someone else who will do as much.

shewhowines · 23/10/2013 09:42

Presumably if it was a few minutes before she was to go on duty, she would have been up and about. He should have had the courtesy to knock on her door, and just check that she was ok with it.

Locketjuice · 23/10/2013 09:43

You said as soon as her gro clock got to 7.30 meaning she won't come out before then?

I see why your pissed off he should have at least let the nanny know he was leaving early just to keep an ear out for them, but I wouldn't take it any further than just saying to your DH it would have been nice to let someone know

Locketjuice · 23/10/2013 09:43

And are you talking like 3 minutes kind of thing? Or 15-20?

mrsjay · 23/10/2013 09:44

YANBU it is not fair on your nanny she doesn't start till 7 .30 your husband was taking the piss basically and not considering her or the children, I would be annoyed with him ,

DixonBainbridge · 23/10/2013 09:46

Silly question, but have you spoken to the Nanny yet - you've only got your DD's side. DH may have well have spoken to the Nanny - something your DD wouldn't have been aware of.

Birdsgottafly · 23/10/2013 09:47

Your DH is wrong, simply because he is taking the piss, on your Nanny.

Her start times are agreed and unless she could do the same, decide not to work, because one of you is finishing work early, or off ill etc, then you are relying on her attachment to your children to put up with this.

Unless you have a fairly lax arrangement, you should ask the Nanny for honest feedback.

For all those saying it is ok, how would you feel if you have got to work early, to enjoy a cup of tea, or breakfast, to find that you are in charge of the place.

Likewise, parents cannot dump children in school playgrounds just because staff are already there.

DixonBainbridge · 23/10/2013 09:48

And if it genuinely was "a few minutes" then I don't see a problem. If she had been sick or similar, I'd expect her to tell you before her start time, rather than on the dot.

Otherwise she'd have just started at 07:30 as normal surely?

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 23/10/2013 09:49

I think you just need to calmly explain to him why it wasn't the right thing to do. He probably just didn't think it through.
No harm done, live & learn, etc..

LCHammer · 23/10/2013 09:52

Do your DDs really not get out of their room before 7.30? Not knock on nanny's door? Nanny starts at 7.30 on the dot? It all sounds very regimented.

WilsonFrickett · 23/10/2013 09:52

Well he was definitely U. I never hand over responsibility to another adult for childcare unless I've actually clapped eyes on them. Does he even know your nanny was in the house, for example? What if today was the day she'd decided to take up running in the morning?

Not on, both from a safety pov and as others have said, from your nanny's pov - I'd be peed off if someone assumed I'd be on duty before my start time.

LCHammer · 23/10/2013 09:53

Sorry, that's not helpful. I don't think it's a big deal and you're getting worked up over a non-issue.

somersethouse · 23/10/2013 09:53

I'm a bit confused, if the gro clock goes off at 7.30 and nanny starts at 7.30 I think DD was just saying maybe that she was disappointed that neither you or DH were there ... (as it was unusual)

I agree with the poster above who says speak to the nanny or DH first, before you get cross!

somersethouse · 23/10/2013 09:56

LCHammer, of course it is regimented. Two professionals and twins, how can it not be, I don't understand what you mean.

My life is 'regimented' with school run, school pick up etc and I don't even have a high powered job to throw into the mix.

I have to be up at 7.30 every morning on the dot too to get my DD ready for school etc. That's life!

somersethouse · 23/10/2013 09:58

Oh, sorry LCHammer x posts!

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ExcuseTypos · 23/10/2013 10:00

He should have waited for the nanny to come downstairs. Just to double check she was actually up and about and in the house. He's a plonker!

mrsjay · 23/10/2013 10:03

Do your DDs really not get out of their room before 7.30? Not knock on nanny's door? Nanny starts at 7.30 on the dot? It all sounds very regimented.

Really 3 yr olds not knocking on somebodies door is regimented she isn't at the childrens beck and call before she starts work and I think the not getting up before 7 30 is normal they wake up and get up ,

Grennie · 23/10/2013 10:05

Surely it is normal to teach children not to knock on nannys door when she is not working. Otherwise she would always be working. And 3 year olds are perfectly capable of learning this.

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