To suggest ds being moved away from a certain child in class

(88 Posts)
bubalou Tue 22-Oct-13 15:11:03

Advice needed from more experiences parents please smile

Ds is 5 and in year 1 of school. In reception we had no problems with any other children, we know there are some that misbehave more then others but that's children.

He has obviously moved teachers now and since being in year 1 they have 'assigned seating'. It seems like she changed the tables around a bit the first few weeks I'm guessing to establish which kids sit and work well together or to move friends so they don't mess around etc.

I don't overreact so when ds has come home and said that this particular child - lets called him 'Damien' (wink) has pushed him over today - I cuddle him, talk about it and we let it go. The next week Damien hit him and told ds he hated him but ds also told me that Damien got sent to the office for this. Since then it has been 1-2 times a week of pushing, stabbing in the arm with a pencil!!! And yesterday ds had black felt tip all over the back of his sweater - Damien again! I found out that poor ds has had to sit next to Damien every day - probably why this is occurring so often.

It's parents evening tomorrow - Aibu to being this up with teacher?

Summergarden Tue 22-Oct-13 18:05:28

As a teacher I can say its not unreasonable at all, just mention the incidents that have occurred and say that is your basis for not being comfortable with your boy being sat near him any more. It will be fine.

Please do speak to teacher first, personally I hate it when parents go over me and straight to the Head rather than giving me the chance to sort out issues in my class first.

Scarymuff Tue 22-Oct-13 18:14:05

Yes, speak to the teacher. Express your concerns and let them make the decisions as to the best course of action.

If your ds is hurt again speak to the teacher. Every single time. "Ds told me this happened today, can you tell me about it?" is a good way to phrase it.

If it doesn't stop, you will have to take it up with the head.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Tue 22-Oct-13 18:25:00

I've complained about a !friendship' that was detrimental to my child. The teachers agreed I ad a point and separated the children. All was well once again.

bubalou Tue 22-Oct-13 18:28:34

Thanks again for advice.

I definitely wouldn't go straight to the head teacher - like I said I have tried to be fair and have given the teacher plenty of time I think but the problems still keep occurring.

I'm not doing a 'my child is perfect' dance but I do agree that maybe poor ds has now been stuck with him because he is so laid back and I phased by this behaviour where as others I think have had their parents speak to the teacher straight away.

I know this Damien for a fact hurts other children a lot but my ds is just so close to him he is the obvious object of the 'bullying'.

That said from what ds has told me they do take steps to deal with as he is apparently always sent to the office, his mum is always being called over when we collect them for a 'chat' and they have a traffic light system in class - apparently he is always on amber or red.

I do feel terrible that it will then be another child's problem but I have to put my ds 1st. hmm

jollygoose Tue 22-Oct-13 18:42:25

how well I remember sitting next to the class bully - his name was Rodney, he tormented me daily and chased me home from school. It never occurred to me to tell anybody but one day the teacher saw him punching me under the desk. he was hauled to the front of the class and given a good slap on the legs - yes it was that long ago! He never did it again.

eggsandwich Tue 22-Oct-13 18:45:36

sometimes as parents we may have to step in and try to resolve a certain situation and this is one of those situations, not long ago a similar thing happened to my dd, though the boy was'nt agressive or nasty just a bit over excitable and as both were of the same ability they were always put together even when they moved up a year, it got to a point where she was really down and said to me that she liked him but found him a bit much at times. I had a quiet word with her teacher who understood and said she would be moving the class around every couple of weeks to make it fair.

thebody Tue 22-Oct-13 18:48:58

tell the teacher and nicely but firmly tell her you want your child moved.

tell your son to shout really loudly if this kid hurts him, something like 'LEAVE ME ALONE' it will shock the other child and attract attention.

I am afraid that if this child is always pushing children one of them will eventually hit him back harder.

sorry but that works a treat.

bjs2310 Tue 22-Oct-13 18:57:37

I don't understand why the boy has to sit next to anyone. My son has ASD and has his own table in the class. He tends to hit out when frustrated and this solution works for all. He is calmer, nobody gets hurt and the teacher can get on with teaching. He does also have a space at one of the other tables and can choose to sit there if he is calm and focussed.

The last few weeks he has hardly used his table and is enjoying being part of the group. No incidents of hurting other children either.

netsuke Tue 22-Oct-13 18:58:30

Is it a big class size? Is your ds getting a bit ignored by the teacher if it is busy? Is there a TA you could talk to as well? They might know more and keep an eye out for you.

bubalou Tue 22-Oct-13 20:13:30

The class has 30 children.

Every class has a teacher and TA.

I knew this child had problems but until he started sitting next to ds every day it wasn't really a problem as I just heard the odd thing.

I even (begrudgingly) went on a play date with Damien, his mum and my ds to one of those awful soft play things in January. She kept asking and I could no longer say I was busy and I know that some mums like to make friends with the others.

She did mention then in passing that the teacher at the time 'kept saying there were issues' but she thinks that he is only 5 and they need to learn to watch them better or something (alarm bells confused).

It looks like it might be one of those unaware parent situations.

Whistleblower0 Tue 22-Oct-13 20:28:34

Sorry i'm lmao at the name 'Damien' what is a freudian slip op? :-)

MiaowTheCat Tue 22-Oct-13 20:34:06

I used to regularly move kids around to give combinations a break from each other if needs be and would want to be told what was going on... the only thing I'd probably say would be "give me a couple of days to move a few people around in one go so it's not really obvious what's going on" - rather than just suddenly swapping two kids over and it being blindingly obvious to all concerned what's gone off, I always tended to have periodic move arounds of a few people in one go.

Whistleblower0 Tue 22-Oct-13 20:41:40

Was it a freudian slip, not what is [ blush ]

Whistleblower0 Tue 22-Oct-13 20:42:28

Darn cant get these smilies right.

bubalou Tue 22-Oct-13 20:55:24

Thanks whistleblower - no offence to anyone who has a ds or family member called Damien.

I just used it based on the child from only fools and horses.

wink

jellybeans Tue 22-Oct-13 21:41:38

cityofgold

'jellybeans - not sure learning a martial art in order to hit back is ideal... "But he hit me first" never got me out of any trouble at school'.

We tried telling school etc etc, tried the 'proper routes' but they had a 'no blame' policy where the bully is not told off at all. The victim is meant to 'work it out' with the abuser (look it up it is an awful but popular policy).

This wasn't just pushing and shoving but sustained assault, son punched 3 times in the head in one day. pencil pushed into his surgical wound sad , strangled, kicked in the chest, stamped on etc. I'm sorry but if your child goes through that and you have tried the proper channels then you have to change tack.

As it happens, standing up for himself and hitting back along with knowing some big scary teenage boys got him off my son's back. My son's and daughters (they all do karate) are not punchbags and would never start a fight, but if someone hits them then they have every right to fight back/hit back/defend. Nothing will change my view on this. Unless bullies are dealt with more harshly. Violent kids should be kicked out.

thebody Tue 22-Oct-13 22:16:55

jellybeans,, totally agree.

afraid my 4 have been told hit if you are hit first and hit back harder.

because it works. and I would too.

not sure some posters actually in the secondary system yet!

bubalou Tue 22-Oct-13 22:25:48

It's such a hard balance - I want to tell him to just punch the little bastard but the last thing I want is for my ds at this stage and young age to learn that hmm

I will give you an update after parents evening.

I am prepared, I know what I'm going to say thanks to all the great advice.

Lilacroses Tue 22-Oct-13 22:30:17

You are not making a fuss, I am a teacher of KS1 and I would be very concerned about this. I would definitely do something about it. Good luck at parent's evening.

Yankeecandlequeen Tue 22-Oct-13 22:34:48

been there and its always best to sort it now. Ask them to separate your child from the little monster. I just hope the monster's parents are being told about this. Cos my DD's tormentor's mum had no idea!!

Whistleblower0 Wed 23-Oct-13 09:55:41

Quite sad in a way that this is becoming so commonplace in schools, and with very young children as well.
you have to wonder where all the aggression comes from at such a young age..

cory Wed 23-Oct-13 11:09:46

Do you really think fighting and pushing is becoming more commonplace in schools than it used to be, Whistleblower?

My memories of a Sixties childhood is that there was fighting and bullying in the playground every day- just that nobody paid any attention because you didn't think anyone could do anything about it. Tough if (like me) you were the victim. My dad has similar memories from the Thirties.

The main difference is that these days schools are supposed to have an anti-bullying policy and are expected to do something about it.

cory Wed 23-Oct-13 11:11:10

thebody Tue 22-Oct-13 22:16:55
jellybeans,, totally agree.

"afraid my 4 have been told hit if you are hit first and hit back harder."

What if you can't hit harder than the other child because they are bigger and stronger than you?

Genuine question- ds was always the smallest and weakest boy.

His only safety lay in a school culture where somebody would run for help rather than try to fight back.

SoupDragon Wed 23-Oct-13 11:13:43

I completely disagree with "hit back and hit back harder" in this case. The boy is 5 and, TBH sounds like he has issues rather than being nasty or naughty.

SoupDragon Wed 23-Oct-13 11:14:35

In the case of bullies - what if they have also been taught to hit back harder? Where does it stop?

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