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to be upset by my birthday present

(34 Posts)
teaand5biscuits Sun 20-Oct-13 18:27:23

I know I am probably being unreasonable and irrational so I am hoping you will all kick me up the arse

My mum came round for my birthday and she has bought me a 6 month gym membership.

This has really upset me, my mum has always been obsessed with my weight when I was a teenager she used to say things such as "you have put on weight" "you aren't fit so what is the point" " when I was your age I was so much smaller than you" and it made me really self-conscious and if anything it just made it worse because I used to eat to either make myself feel better or because I didn't see the point anymore.

Plus she knows that going to the gym is the last thing I would enjoy I hated sports growing up and I am pretty rubbish at anything physical I walk the dog and take my DCs out but structured stuff isn't my thing.

I feel like she is again making another passive aggressive comment about my weight and it has been on my mind all day.

Didactylos Sun 20-Oct-13 19:40:08

Im with the ' I cant use this' camp - as well as being a bit of a dig, shes also making you commitments of time etc, eg to make use of her present you have to find time to go out to the gym DC and dog free. Tell her you dont want to spend your leisure time this way - would rather do family stuff, or are starting a course in X and so wont be making any use of it. Hand it back to her, tell her she should be due a refund

teaand5biscuits Sun 20-Oct-13 19:41:41

The membership is for 6 months then I have to pay.

I will try the gym (May as well) and just tell her I went for cake.
sparklyknickers her face would be a picture if I got her them.

I would try to talk to her about it but it will turn into me being ungrateful and sensitive and she will stop talking to me until I apologise.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 20-Oct-13 19:59:46

Then don't apologise - just wait until she does, it might take a while, but it will be worth it.

TrueStory Sun 20-Oct-13 20:06:48

I would tell your mum that this present is no good to you and can she get a refund so that you can choose something you really want

Yes, and I'm liking Sparkly Knickers's idea about anti-wrinkle cream etc. Maybe a book about hormone therapy (given with a "sincere and winning smile" from Yourstruly, I would soooo love to be there).

TrueStory Sun 20-Oct-13 20:09:14

By the way, there is no need to put up with negative comments about yourself, or be in any way diplomatic in refuting them. How about just telling her "that's so rude" and "don't talk to me on that subject ever again" and also maybe tell her how you feel. I've had to do that a couple of times with my mum, and it can work. If it doesn't I think you need to escalate it, as they say ....

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 20-Oct-13 20:11:31

I've recommended it on another thread, but I'll recommend it again:

A book about assertiveness called "A Woman in Your Own Right; Assertiveness and You" - by Anne Dickson

teaand5biscuits Sun 20-Oct-13 20:27:21

Jamie I will take a look at the book.

I am not like this with anyone else and if someone even suggested something like that to my DCs I would kill them it's just a mental block when it comes to my mum and me.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 20-Oct-13 21:00:36

Yes, mums do a great line in passive aggression, IME. The book talks about that as well. I am also assertive with others but only getting there with my mum

puntasticusername Sun 20-Oct-13 21:18:08

Huh. So lemme get this straight - when you upset her, it's completely real and you are being massively U towards her?

But when she upsets you, you're imagining it and it couldn't possibly be her fault in any way?

Doesn't sound quite right to me.

I'd be inclined to throw the thing back in her face, personally. Would there be any way you could turn it to a greater good - have a word with the gym manager and see if they'd be up for letting you donate the membership as a raffle prize for some good cause? They would only lose whatever "admin costs" they incur for changing the name on the membership, and should get some good publicity out of it.

But obv don't tell your "D"M you're doing this, or she'll scurry around buying all the raffle tickets grin

Oh, and happy birthday to you!

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