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To think OH drinks too much?

(73 Posts)
Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 16:34:26

This has been an issue between us for so long I've really had enough and have been considering leaving a lot lately.
Please tell me if you think I'm being too hard/unreasonable
He used to have a drink every evening after work and so has cut down due to my nagging as he no longer drinks during the week but fri, sat & sun. Fri night is usually 2 bottles of wine, sat and sun he starts drinking around 1-2pm, a few cans in the house or a couple pints down the pub and then drinks 1-2 bottles of wine in the evening. He doesn't get drunk and is still actually cooking Sunday dinner now like he does most Sundays so it's not that he just gets wasted& does nothing but I just can't stand it, I worry about what it's doing to his health and I feel embarrassed at all the empty bottles etc, to me this is excessive and not right, wot du think??? (Btw, once he's out of drink he goes to bed, even if its 9pm, it's like once he's started he can't stop & I think this shows dependency even if he can go a few days during the week with nothing?)

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 16:49:20

You're possibly being a bit unreasonable, mainly for the reasons you give for not liking it.

Yes, it might impact on him health wise, but he's a big lad and can decide for himself.

Why do the bottles embarrass you? Who sees them? Why would you care so much?

If he was getting arseholed and being abusive/a total nob then OK, but it's his vice and he enjoys the effects.

You saying you 'nagged' him into complying with you doesn't sit well with me either, a bit too controlling for my liking.

valiumredhead Sun 20-Oct-13 16:50:52

I think 4 bottles of wine a week plus cans is loads.

Preciousbane Sun 20-Oct-13 16:53:06

He is drinking over six bottles of wine in three days, YANBU and he sounds like he as a problem with alcohol.

livinginwonderland Sun 20-Oct-13 16:53:36

Two bottles a night is quite a lot in my opinion, but is he cramming lots of alcohol into three nights because you've "banned" it?

I think you're very unreasonable to ban him from drinking on a weeknight. He's an adult and if he can get up in morning and go to work without a problem, then you have no right to tell him he can't have a drink.

The embarrassment factor doesn't sit well with me either. Why on earth would you be embarrassed by empty wine bottles? Who would see it except you, DH and the binmen, who, believe me, don't give a shiny shit how many bottles of wine you get through.

MortifiedAdams Sun 20-Oct-13 16:56:56

He is drinking too much over three days. Pre.ban, would he drink the same as this each day or would this amount he is drinking.now be shared over seven days?

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 16:57:56

The amount on weekend has always been same it hasn't increased its just it was an extra bottle of wine every night of the week as well

Beastofburden Sun 20-Oct-13 16:58:05

It would be far better for his health to drink moderately every day. What he is doing is classed as binge drinking. Better he has two or three glasses every night, with maybe one night a week off.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 20-Oct-13 16:58:53

Hmm, started by thinking 'one drink after work. No big deal'. But the amount he's drinking at the weekend is large. I'd be concerned about his health and dependency too, especially if he can't contemplate a weekend day without drinking.

He'd have to want to change though. Sounds like he thinks it's normal social / family drinking. So why would he?

DameDeepRedBetty Sun 20-Oct-13 16:59:37

Yes, he's dependent on alcohol, but not severely. It is up to him to decide whether to address it any further than cutting out the midweek. You've done well to persuade him to stay sober Monday - Thursday.

Banging on and on like a broken record doesn't normally seem to work, addicts of anything need to really and truly want to do it all by themselves.

Subtly drawing attention to decreased lifespan, liver disease, and how much better a holiday you could all have next year with the money saved from cutting down to two nights of the weekend rather than three might get you somewhere!

There's a very fine line between caring for someone and wanting them to be safe and well, and butting out and minding your own business because they're an adult.
I think you should be butting out in the circumstances you've described.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 20-Oct-13 17:02:50

Sounds a bit as though he's trying to absent himself from the family / you too.

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 17:03:11

Ye he can get up and go to work but sometimes I can still smell the alcohol on him from previous night. The health part is my main worry as he has high cholesterol but yes I stand by the fact that its embarrassing as well, any visitors on the weekend see him with an open bottle of wine by 4 pm or loads of empty bottles on the counter waiting to be taken to the recycling

Pawprint Sun 20-Oct-13 17:06:03

I drink way too much - four glasses or so a night (wine). That is over the limit but your h sounds like he is developing a pretty serious problem.

I don't really know what to suggest. You can't make someone stop drinking. He could at least cut down. If he smells of booze in the morning, then that is a big concern if he drives as he will be over the limit.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 20-Oct-13 17:06:23

Do you have children?

Is he really drinking around them all day every weekend?

That is really not cool, if so.

livinginwonderland Sun 20-Oct-13 17:08:06

I think you're right to be worried (based on your later posts) but I don't think nagging him is going to change anything. He's a grown man and, unfortunately, that means he has the right to make poor decisions.

Telling him you're embarrassed isn't going to help the situation and is probably going to make him want to drink more, to be honest. Focus on things that matter - if he drinks a lot, he might not be okay to drive the next day - what if he gets stopped? He'll lose his license at a bare minimum, get banned from driving, and may go to jail and lose his job. If he goes to work smelling of alcohol, his boss may pick him up on it and he could well get disciplined and eventually he could lose his job.

It's not a healthy amount of alcohol, but unfortunately it might take a short sharp shock (losing his license/job/whatever else) to make him realise that this isn't a healthy situation.

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 17:11:34

Yes we have a 4 yo dd, I enjoy a glass of wine don't get me wrong but in the evening and its 1-2 glasses fri& maybe sat, I don't start after dinner and carry on all day, I have dd to look after until she goes to bed

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 17:12:25

Just hide the bottles? like we do

Before telling them not to be so judgy wink

(Where did all the calculators go?? I need to know now and google's not giving it up easily grin)

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 20-Oct-13 17:14:51

"I have dd to look after until she goes to bed"

So does HE!

Poor kid having to spend her weekends around a permanently semi-pissed father.

That is a really shit way to grow up.

Finola1step Sun 20-Oct-13 17:16:28

Yes, he is drinking too much. But only he can decide if he does something about the drinking. You only get to decide if you can live with it. So your choices are:
1. Continue as you are
2. Live with it and stop commenting / nagging
3. live with it and wait for him to change you will have a long wait
4. Decide that you can't live it and leave.
5. Ask him to leave.

There is no negotiating to cut down, trying his best, etc. I doubt it will work. You didn't cause his drinking, you can't stop it and you can't change it. All you can do is make choices for yourself and any children you have.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 20-Oct-13 17:19:20

Yanbu - He is drinking too much by far.

Meltedcheese Sun 20-Oct-13 17:23:09

I know I can't make him change, he knows how I feel about it and I am starting to think I just can't live with it, it's just he acts like its no big deal and I needed to know if I was overreacting about it. It's not just the amount either, it's like all weekend afternoons are dedicated to drinking now, he does take dd out to park or something in the morning though its not like he doesn't spend time with her but if we go anywhere in afternoon he stays at home

Strumpetron Sun 20-Oct-13 17:25:26

He is drinking too much healthwise, but as long as he's aware of the risks then it's his decision really because it isn't adversely effecting you, he's cooking dinner etc.

valiumredhead Sun 20-Oct-13 17:25:41

Personally I would stop drinking myself because while you are doing so it is giving him the excuse to drink with you. Then all you can do is leave him to it until hopefully he decided to cut back himself.

LillyNotOfTheValley Sun 20-Oct-13 17:31:31

No, YANBU at all, this is way too much over 3 days. TBH, it would make me snoop over his things for clues of hidden drinking when you are not around.. Is he having a hard time at the moment? At work, for example?
Sorry you are going through this

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