Am I wrong to feel so utterly pissed off by this ?

(19 Posts)
lifeisnuts Sun 20-Oct-13 00:39:09

First time poster so forgive my rambling. My OH and I have been together 21 years, married for 16 and have three children. On the whole we are happy and have a good relationship apart from one thing - OH has become obsessed with a platform computer game and spends hours playing it. Hours which could be spent with our children or me! If we have plans to go out etc its not an issue but if we're mooching about indoors he disappears for hours. I don't mind him having some time on his own but am seriously starting to feel neglected. I've asked him to give it a rest and he does for that evening, the next it's the same thing again. Help?

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 00:42:21

Sounds like escapism to me.

Is there anything he's trying to escape from?

Stressed at work? Finding everything a bit too much?

(as a suspicious person) Is it a live game where he interacts with other players?

Are you sure he's just on the game?

Have you asked him/told him you feel neglected?

YouTheCat Sun 20-Oct-13 00:53:29

My mam did this 15 years ago, playing manic miner.

It was because she had had enough of sitting with my dad night after night, not speaking, as he tutted through the news... and then newsnight.

Give him a break. So long as he is there for family stuff, why shouldn't he have time for himself?

lifeisnuts Sun 20-Oct-13 00:53:31

Thanks for replying Agent. Work has been really stressful - so could be escapism. It is a live game I think I've lurked and listened in and really just sounds like a bunch of blokes playing a game. Not suspicious of an affair as he works from home and I don't really think he has the opportunity. I did think that maybe that's why he needs this bit of 'me' time as we do spend a lot of time together. I have spoken to him about how I feel, he apologises and stays off the game for a bit and then the next day is back on it. He is great in lots of ways - we went away for a night last night without the kids - had a blast. Then tonight the kids wanted to watch Atlantis - it's crap but they love it just wanted us all snuggled in front of the tv together - I'm in there with them and he is absent playing his game which he has been doing since about 4 pm with breaks for dinner. I'm just really fed up.

lifeisnuts Sun 20-Oct-13 00:56:27

Hi YouTheCat, I don't mind him having time for himself but I don't want to sit there is silence I want someone to chat and have a laugh with. I don't understand why you would need 9 hours of game play - we did briefly eat together. I put kids to bed. I've sat watching tv alone - I just feel sad as last night we had such a great time.

YouTheCat Sun 20-Oct-13 01:01:27

I think it would depend on how old your kids were. We were all late teens/early twenties and my mam had had enough of sitting with my dad )who was admittedly a miserable sod).

If your kids are young enough to require a bedtime story and tucking in, then he needs to pack it in a bit.

DoJo Sun 20-Oct-13 01:03:38

Those kinds of games can be quite addictive - perhaps he thinks that unless you are complaining you are happy for him to be playing and loses track of time (easily done when you are immersed and keep thinking 'just one more level'). Maybe you need to keep reminding him that you and the kids want to spend time with him just to break the cycle and he will probably lose interest in the game after a while.

sunbathe Sun 20-Oct-13 01:04:49

But if you're only 'mooching about indoors' when he goes off to play his game, what's wrong with that?

lifeisnuts Sun 20-Oct-13 01:10:15

You our kids aren't tiny 8, 11 and 15. But the 8 and 11 like to be tucked in. The 15 year old usually sits and watches tv with me for a bit and has commented on her dads absence. I think that's what I'm afraid of that he simply isn't interested in spending time with me - I'm not miserable - promise ! I have told him how upsetting I'm finding this - he does reassure me and says don't be daft love you loads etc etc and then sods off. Maybe I am being unreasonable.

squeakytoy Sun 20-Oct-13 01:13:57

maybe he finds sitting watching tv for hours on end to be boring.. I know I do.

lifeisnuts Sun 20-Oct-13 01:18:05

So do I Squeaky that's why a chat or a game of cards etc would be nice. Also we do go out together and separately. I just felt that most of Saturday day and night could have been spent together. Thanks for the comments.

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 01:20:24

I have times when I get into something big time, but I've got the attention span of a gnat and get bored easily it usually fades pretty quickly.

I'm not a serious gamer or anything, but it is nice to get away from it all.

But it's left you wondering why he doesn't find the release with you/DC?

Is it better he's getting it out of his system in there rather than being 'off' or arsey with you?

Maybe he's feeling a bit isolated if he's working from home?

If you don't think there's anything sinister about it, I would let him get on with it and re-assess in a month or so (after making sure he knows you've noticed he's stressed and you're there to talk about anything he's worrying over), if it's not tapered off and is causing you stress then maybe encourage him into limiting it.

It's obviously giving him something he needs, but that's not a slur on you just because you're not included, just let him get whatever it is and try to see it in a relative way in that it could be worse (splashing shit loads of cash because he's having difficulties with a mid life transition for example).

sunbathe Sun 20-Oct-13 01:20:29

I think if you're not a gamer, it's hard to understand. The same way I don't understand why people bother watching soaps, or Strictly! etc. Each to their own.

Could you join in?

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 01:24:42

Is your DH a gamer though lifeisnuts?

Has he got overly absorbed by other things in the past?

If he doesn't, would that be worse than it being his normal behaviour?

YouTheCat Sun 20-Oct-13 01:25:22

I can lose hours gaming.

But if the kids are still of an age when they want parental involvement in the evenings (so not like my kids grin ) then he needs to get on with it.

He needs to learn to ration his gaming.

lifeisnuts Sun 20-Oct-13 01:26:23

I think I'm going to just let him get on with it for a bit. I'm not a gamer at all would rather be curled up with a book! Thanks for your comments. I do honestly love him to bits so think my reaction was just that I felt a but rejected by the whole thing. He probably does feel a bit isolated working from home only been the last year or so. Will try and be a bit more understanding. Thanks all.

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 01:33:55

I get a nice level of interaction (for me) from MN that I don't get elsewhere.

I used to be pissed off with DH sitting hunched over his computer phwaring at his car porn hmm but I only knew what he got from his forum once I was on MN.

Have you had a go at whatever he's playing? (what is he playing btw?)

Or does he deliberately exclude you and just want it for himself (or maybe he hasn't asked you to play because you don't like him disappearing?) (sorry, my posts seem to be all questions).

smileyhappymummy Sun 20-Oct-13 02:13:28

Ghggffgfgh. V

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Oct-13 02:30:54

Got any evidence to back that up smiley?

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