To think my mother is just awful?

(108 Posts)
TheCrumpetQueen Sat 19-Oct-13 15:47:39

Can anyone else relate to this?

My mother is very hard work. Ill pop in and see her once a week or so as I live a 30 min drive away and have a small ds.

When I see her she is hysterical, as in she talks non-stop about either herself or other people she knows and about their children etc.

-She will show me people's facebook and twitter pages.
-She talks very loudly all the time, almost shouting even if I'm sitting right next to her.
-You cannot interject if she is talking or she goes mad 'IM TALKING!' even if its related.
-She never asks about me or ds at all the whole time.
-If I'm ill or something and say 'God I feel awful' she will automatically say 'I'm ill too' and then go into a massive story about herself.

Me and my sister are at our wits end and are both going through quite a lot in our lives whereas she is healthy, financially stable etc yet constantly makes out like she is having an awful time.

When I had my ds, she didnt bother coming over to see us until I called her crying when I had pnd and was alone when he was 4 weeks old.
She will never come to my house unless I say come over. She never comes over if me or ds are ill (have bother been unwell for a couple of weeks now and haven't heard from her).

I don't really want to spend anymore time with her to be honest sad

Slinkysista Sun 20-Oct-13 18:39:28

Oh it would end in murder I'm sure! What a thought!! I've often wondered what she would do if she encountered someone just like her! I didn't actually think there was anyone quite like her in the world but I'm beginning to think differently.

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 20-Oct-13 18:32:52

A naughty thought but we could book them all a surprise a holiday for Christmas. A lovely cottage in the middle of nowhere - together - with a big delivery from Sainsburys to which they are not allowed to make any changes grin and set them a task whereby they have to divide the tasks up over five days to ensure they are divied up fairly.

It would probably end up on the 9 o'clock new !

Slinkysista Sun 20-Oct-13 18:21:50

Oh it really feels good to let it out to people who understand. My mum used to just burst in to my room, nothing was ever private, I wasn't allowed any opinions or just to grow up with my own sense of self. Ever when I was still living at home (in my twenties) she would come in to my bedroom and flick the light on at one and two in the morning to use the computer, which was in my room, to print stuff out for her work, ( she is a night owl, up at all hours doing stuff that 'normal' people do during the day). The fact I had work the next day and she was disturbing me didn't even occur to her!

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 20-Oct-13 18:05:54

It wasn't you. And it took me until I was 50 to really understand it wasn't me. Mnet helped and I started looking up the characteristics of narcissism. Now as they are listed I don't think my mother was extreme but enough to dent my self esteem and fill me with self doubt.

I always say though in her defence I was never physically abused (apart from once when she lost it), I was never cold or hungry or dirty and I had everything but I realise now that was for her gratification rather than mine - I had to look nice to create the right impression and I was not allowed to get dirty. Things that I thought were good and made me independent I'm now a bit hmm about in that when I got in from school I did have to get all the veg ready for dinner and I also had to make the beds (no duvets then) and thinking about it she had enough help for that not to have been necessary. And my room was not my room - she went in it every day and moved and straightened and changed things so I was never allowed to keep anything private or where I wanted it or could find it.

Sorry for the rant - sometimes it's good to get it all out.

Slinkysista Sun 20-Oct-13 17:59:04

married I meant

Slinkysista Sun 20-Oct-13 17:57:35

That's it [married] I always thought it was us and if we did better at school, were better behaved at home she'd be happier but I realise that's not the case.
You are all lovely!

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 20-Oct-13 17:54:32

It's good to know you are not alone. It's good to know you can talk about it and that other people will understand and not say "oh but she's lovely - my teenage friends honestly thought (and still do) that I had a cool and brilliant mum". It's also good to watch your children grow and found a family with a totally different dynamic because after a while you come to realise it wasn't you at all.

Good luck >>>>hugs<<<<<

Slinkysista Sun 20-Oct-13 17:46:44

Milly I have to agree, even chatting on this thread has helped unload some things I've been carrying around for a while.

Slinkysista Sun 20-Oct-13 17:45:23

Milly- that's good to know, I have zero confidence so counselling could help with that!
My mum has just left, she came over for lunch around three and left at five, she talked constantly, everything was doom and gloom as usual. My DS was roaming about, he's only 18 months and while she talked to him a few times but never picked him up or showed any real interest in him for the duration of her visit. I detected a bit of a mood because I didn't buy in to a drama that occurred in church this morning, of course she was at the centre of the drama and she was sooo pleased that the priest had thanked her in front of the whole congregation. I could have seen the time when I would have asked more about because I knew she wanted to talk more about it but today I just thought, no I'm not buying in to this! She didn't like it! I was relieved when she left, I feel stressed in her very presence.

MillyMollyMandy78 Sun 20-Oct-13 16:26:24

Slinky - yes and no, to your question. I think counselling helped me let go of some specific resentments but didn't really dilute the pain of her comments/ actions in general. It did help me see that i was not doomed to be just like her, and that just because my mum seemed to think i was a worthless piece of shit, didn't mean i actually was! So in terms of my confidence, it really helped me.

But it didn't make me stop yearning for a mum who loved me and cared about my life... And it didn't stop my disappointment, each time that i was with her and she was unable to deliver... It was only years later that i finally went NC, basically because i was tired... So tired of the irrational demands placed upon me, tired of the drama, the hurt, the insults, tired of feeling like she was always there to suck the pleasure from my life.

The most helpful thing for me was posting on here, and reading a lot of what other people had posted. I realised that i am not alone, and that some people genuinely found it helpful to go NC. That really set the thought in motion for me. And when i finally cut contact, and later found my dad (her enabler) had subsequently turned his back on me, MN got me through! Since I went NC in May, my life is generally simpler and happier, and i feel free to be myself. I do have moments when i struggle, and i avoid telling people in RL the truth, but i have never doubted my decision was for the best. To those of you considering going NC, i would say keep posting and don't rush any decisions - only you know what is best for you... But also be aware that NC could be an option, even a really good option, for you

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 20-Oct-13 15:40:08

Yes my nearly 19 year old rang and asked for a lift from his girlfriend's this lunchtime (it's a 110 minute round trip) and I said no and felt a heel (if he can stay out all night and sleep with a girl that sort of stuff) and then the thunder and lightening and mega down pour started and as I zipped on my boots and was about to call him to find out where he had got to a drowned rat came through the door. Now if I'd done that at 19 not that I would have dared stay out or ask for a lift there would have been pursed lips, no effort to backtrack at all, and tutting and I'd be ill and how stupid I was.

As it was we were in fits the moment I clapped eyes on him and it was light hearted and humorous and I called him a wally and not to get the hall floor wet and dd told me not to be mean and we laughed some more.

But yes there has been a lot of overcompensating on the way not least the fact that I tell them I love every day and try to praise them every day even if DS says I only ever open my mouth to criticise me - but you know what he can say how he feels and is confident enough to.

noddyholder Sun 20-Oct-13 15:12:03

My mother is the same and I have been OTT at times in my attempts to do it all for ds but he is 19 now and at uni and he can talk about this stuff and he appreciates everything and tells me how much all teh time! SO it was worth it even if I was a bit of a 1950s housewife for a while grin

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 20-Oct-13 15:04:49

Done the call. Oh she's had her best birthday in years - that nice girl over the road had her to dinner on thursday and it stretched the celebrations and they've had a night at a spa. I sent flowers, chocolate and bubbles - no thank you. And last year we all went and took them out to the best restaurant in the county.

It gets me down, but hey ho.

What is seeing her adding to your life? Other than maybe assuaging some kind of hardwired 'guilt' at not enjoying your own mother's company?

She sounds like she could certainly do with some help, but that will only happen IF she feels the need for it.

You otoh sound hurt and vulnerable - would you consider seeking some help for your own sake?
IMO part of being an adult is to become less emotionally dependant on our parents. That does not mean love them less or see them less, but become less dependent on how they behave, even towards us.

You cannot change her behaviour (whether it's a personality issue or whether she's mentally ill), you can only change how you react or respond to her.

Tbh, I don't think I'd see somebody like her as regularly. For my own good...

Slinkysista Sun 20-Oct-13 14:31:22

[loveandsmiles] and [crumpetqueen] I can't even believe that there are other mums like mine, I thought she was a one off but your descriptions sound so like my own ! Good to know there are other people dealing with these issues too, it really consumes me. I think I need help to deal with it. I just wish I didn't have to deal with her, it's so draining and she goes on and on until she gets a reaction:-(

loveandsmiles Sun 20-Oct-13 14:00:46

Oh crumpet so glad someone else like me smile. I am OCD about cleaning house too! Also must always have lots of food and cook home cooked meals (even when I can't be bothered). I go to everything at the school (have sat through many awful recitals etc grin) because my mum never ever went to the school or showed any interest in my school work.

Could have worse traits I guess, than a clean home with plenty food!!

TheCrumpetQueen Sun 20-Oct-13 13:54:43

Funny because just the other week I was out with a group of mums and we started discussing our mothers and I said how disappointed I was that my mother wasnt very interested in ds. Others then chipped in with stories about mothers/MILs (one who loved her mil more than her own!) so it was good to talk about.

married that church group for new mothers sounds brilliant, well done. I Used to volunteer for Home Start and loved it. Would love to help new mums somehow

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 20-Oct-13 13:52:07

Yes, I would never ever say a bad word about my mother in real life. I thikn that's one of the virtues of Mnet.

TheCrumpetQueen Sun 20-Oct-13 13:47:49

Sorry to hear that smiles I get the OCD thing. I have it with a clean house and food smile

loveandsmiles Sun 20-Oct-13 13:41:01

It's nice to know I'm not the only person with a horrible mum (but sorry there are other horrible mums out there) but its definitely made me feel less alone ~ very few people in RL know I don't see my mum.

Her husband died a few years ago and she plays the grieving widow despite never having a pleasant word to say to him when he was here. Those that know her on a casual basis think she is lovely, good fun etc and how awful that I don't speak to her and she doesn't see her GC ~ if only they knew the real her ~ bitter, self~obsessed, nasty, selfish etc. She spent my childhood either in bed with depression (never made meals, took me to school etc) or when she was 'well' out with various men. I didn't realise my childhood was so bad until I had my own DC, who I would never treat like that ~ they are my world and I would do anything for them. My childhood has made me slightly OCD in that I want everything to be perfect for my DC ~ I do silly things like stay up half the night to bake the best cupcakes for the school fayre, getting really stressed ~ but I realise its because my mum wouldn't even go to the school when I was young, never mind making cakes, that I have to be OTT in the opposite waygrin ~ mad I know.

Sorry for long post ~ do feel better for sharing ~ thanks OP for mentioning what is unmentionable in RL x

TheCrumpetQueen Sun 20-Oct-13 12:54:39

Thank you. It's good because ive learnt to be very independent very early on. I can cook very well, I'm very clean. My ds has lovely food everyday and always will.

I learnt how to not do it, I guess.

I was always so skinny in old pictures and no wonder really!

Lazysuzanne Sun 20-Oct-13 12:35:04

Crumpet, you poor thingsad
((()))

Lazysuzanne Sun 20-Oct-13 12:32:55

I'm just relieved to be able to get on with my own life without having to deal with my mother.
Then again I'm rather solitary and have never been family orientated

TheCrumpetQueen Sun 20-Oct-13 12:28:45

My sister said before I was born she was so lonely as mum would just lie in bed before and after work, never played with her or interacted.

Always a big show when people come round though

TheCrumpetQueen Sun 20-Oct-13 12:27:25

My mother hardly ever cooked, never cleaned (house was a shit hole and embarrassing to bring people round to).

I remember us all looking at the bare fridge all the time. For breakfast my mum would never get up and make anything, we always had to fend for ourselves (and usually ate crisps or choc for breakfast), ready meals for dinner).

Also we always had shit old clothes and never had laundry done, I learnt how to clean my clothes very young. I actually can't remember a time when I didnt do my own laundry.

It's weird because she's always been comfortable financially and we lived in a big Victorian house.

Just weird.

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