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To be livid my DH has just told me to get a job

(124 Posts)
strawberriesandplumbs Sat 19-Oct-13 00:12:53

I have my own business working from home, I work a few hours a day and although don't make a fortune I earn more than when I worked part time. We have two DC and I do all the housework, shopping, dog walking ect. DCs are young teenagers but I deal with all the school stuff and day to day stuff. DH will occasionally pick dd1 up at night from friends. He does work hard but I do think he sees no value at all in what I do. Usually I shrug it off but tonight he hugely pissed me off by saying that after giving me money to shop he had only had beans in today to eat. Developed into a big row, mostly on my part but basically he said get out and get a job. He is a workaholic and thinks down time is dead time. Is he been unreasonable to want me to work every hour of daylight like he does. I like to stop and smell the daisies.

catinboots Sat 19-Oct-13 01:08:16

Your DH works very long hours.

Your DCs are teenagers.

There was only beans to eat today.

You like to loaf about, working PT and sniffing flowers.

YABU

Get a proper job.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:10:02

I get the dinner ready on a weekday Googleit, but there's a difference between me doing that and DH demanding to know where his dinner is and getting pissy with me because I had something else on.

I do it because I want to, not because I'm told to.

Him earning more than me doesn't give him the right to give me an appraisal and find areas I could do better in. If he wants it doing better (like ironing his shirts) he can do them himself.

Was he too weak with hunger to do anything more than open a tin of beans? Poor love. Totally the OP's fault for not being there to wait on him hand and foot.

catinboots Sat 19-Oct-13 01:10:02

Unless you work FT already and I've skimmed the thread incorrectly.

In which case, YANBU

How much domestic work does he do? You say he loves 'work' but that sometimes translates as a man spending vast amounts of time 'at work' and insisting that this means he doesn't have to do anything in the way of domestic work. Even though his time spent 'at work' actually consists at least partly of playing Candy Crush and wanking.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:11:40

Whats wrong with getting a dinner ready for him if you are at home and obviously enjoying that lifestyle. He earns the more between you and works the longer hours. The least you could do is organise your time to have a meal ready. It doesnt take that long if you are at home and your dcs are teenagers. I would be pissed off as well if i gave my other half cash for food and came home after a long day at work to make my own beans.

There you go girls, now you know!

If you are enjoying your life, despite running your own business and earning more than you would in a job for the same hours, you should organise your time in order to make the man of the house his dinner!

Pinnies at the ready ladies, those roasts dont baste themselves!

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:12:24

grin at catinboots and a proper job.

Love it.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:13:59

I don't have a pinny shock

I do a mean roast though grin

Darkesteyes Sat 19-Oct-13 01:14:54

Lol at Solids post

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:14:59

cat

She runs her own business that makes decent money, how is that "loafing about"? Just because she doesnt spend every waking moment worshipping at the altar of BUSINESS doenst make her lazy! There were not only beans to eat, but she was working and he couldnt be arsed to cook anything else.

If she worked his hours he would have to pull his weight in the house, with the kids appointments and illnesses, shopping, laundry, dog walking......blah blah, which he currently does almost none of. Wonder how he would feel then? Or should she get this job AND do all of that?!

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:17:07

I do in fact have a pinny! It is a Marmite one that is pristine, which is a cause of constant moaning from my mum that my pinny always looks clean and lovely but hers are stained and faded (yes, she has several). I dont think I will ever tell her that it is because I bought purely because it went with my Marmite tea towels, which I also never use! I bought them to go with my Marmite tins that hold the dishwasher tablets grin

Googleit Sat 19-Oct-13 01:19:25

Yeah get divorced lose your comfy lifestyle mess up your kids lives and be forced to get a full time job...just because you cant or wont organise a meal..thats clever.

OinkGlitter Sat 19-Oct-13 01:20:57

Is there something going on at his work? Like he hates it or resents it or something? Might he be moaning because he'd like time to smell the flowers but thinks he can't because he's worried about your financial security?

Might he just be grumpy because he was imagining steak and ended up with beans?

I work much shorter (but still full time) hours than DH and earn much less. (Can anyone say paygap?). I've trained him to expect nothing to eat though , so if he gets home and there is dinner he is overjoyed. Far better than him expecting it as his due... And he irons his own shirts. I think Agent ZigZag might actually be me.)

ColderThanAWitchsTitty Sat 19-Oct-13 01:21:17

People have dffernt ideas about working, DH and I are both lucky that we would rather work fewer hours and enjoy ourselves.

Your dh would prefer not to..SUcks for him though as you already work, he can demand you earn more

OinkGlitter Sat 19-Oct-13 01:22:51

I have a pinny. can't cook for shit though. And goodness did the thread move whilst I was posting.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:23:08

Yeah get divorced lose your comfy lifestyle mess up your kids lives and be forced to get a full time job...just because you cant or wont organise a meal..thats clever

gringringringringrin

Hows that chip doing? Growing nicely?!

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:26:09

Ah....now I get it

Googleit was trained at the school of "Sacrifice yourself to your marriage and children" and if that means being a total doormat then so be it in order to keep "your man" happy.

I expect I will get flamed for this but I just cannot for the life of me see why a husband and wife (partners, co-parents, whatever) with children, feel the need to separate anything. All this who works when and for how long, and how much they each earn, and who does what at home confused and "my money" "partner's money" - I just don't understand why it matters - surely you are a team and are involved together in both raising the children, keeping the home going, and doing whatever needs to be done?
I know I go quite a lot on my own circumstances (well who doesn't?) and I am a SAHM, but, that said, without DH we would be knackered because I am just not physically mentally able to "Do Stuff" at all just now (and for quite some time gone and to come)
The one thing I truly appreciate, and that makes me love DH more every day soppy cow that I am is that he has never, ever, in all the years I have "deteriorated" for want of a better word and throughout my struggles with my mental and physical health, held anything against me. He does what needs doing, and even no2 son (now 19) helps out a lot, and neither of them ever do anything to make me feel guilty or useless or put down because I just can't "do my duty" so to speak.
(I do get guilt, there are times when I feel bloody awful and just cry because I am such a failure as a parent and a wife) but they never add to that.
Am I really so lucky? Are my family paragons? grin Or is it just that people are more likely to post and have a moan/rant/ask for support if their partner is one who moans so to speak?

recall Sat 19-Oct-13 01:31:20

He would not be able to do his important man job without your support in the home ! what is wrong with beans anyway ? they are very nutritious !

strawberriesandplumbs Sat 19-Oct-13 01:33:15

What can I say Googleit. I sure there was no mention of "lifestyle" or "enjoying" I think there is a fair bit of presumption there. We live within our means. I earn, DH earns don't presume we are living a "lifestlye" And for what it's worth I work. I WORK.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:33:46

Pom Thats how it should and it is a shame that it isnt for many couples. I do think you are right though, no one will post on relationships to say "We have absolutely no problems at all. We communicate well, work together, have the same views on money, children, ILs, running the home and work". So it does give a skewed view sometimes that every marriage is either abusive, miserable, involving infidelity or all of the above.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 19-Oct-13 01:34:18

Yeah get divorced lose your comfy lifestyle mess up your kids lives and be forced to get a full time job...just because you cant or wont organise a meal..thats clever

I'm not expected to cook dinner when I'm at work,I'm guessing that neither is the op's DH so why should the op.

You could just as easily change your last bit to say .... Just because the dh has been a cock and weirdly not realised that if she gets another job then she will have even less time to cater to him and he will have to do more than feed himself.

But seen as nobody mentioned divorce apart from you you may be jumping the gun a bit

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:35:00

I'm clever Googleit, in the way that I won't be treated like shit just because someone thinks their paid work trumps me taking care of their children on top of another job.

I'm too slap dash for DHs work shirts Oink (that was a good thread (your MN name)) grin even more so since we've had a drier.

A couple of days a week when DH knows I'm specifically working all day he'll text and ask whether I've anything planned for dinner or should he go to the shop for something. It's not that difficult.

The OP's DH thinking food preparation doesn't have anything to do with him is the problem, plus him thinking he's got the right to give her a verbal warning if she's not up to scratch.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:39:15

Your family sounds bloody lovely PomBears.

They're supporting you when you need it, don't feel guilty about that smile

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Oct-13 01:40:20

And having such a thoughtful 19 YO is surely the definition of a parenting success?

OinkGlitter Sat 19-Oct-13 01:55:22

YY to thoughtful 19 year old.

(*Zig*, it's the longest I've ever kept a name. I like it. I might keep it. I even checked with another oink (oinktopus) that she didn't mind because there was a thread that made me do NN etiquette...)

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