To not want to move my plans to suit others?

(89 Posts)
daisydoo222 Fri 18-Oct-13 14:30:51

I have been going to Slimming World at the same time and the same day every week for 2&1/2 years and lost over 5 stone, the only time I have ever missed a class is when I was on holiday, I have sat through group when I've been poorly, I plan everything else around it.
I have committed to myself that I will continue to go, probably for the rest of my life and I'm currently considering becoming a leader and making it my career (or at least a bit of a side line).
My point is - this is more than just a bit of a diet, I take it seriously, it has changed my life and also improved everything for the family as I now have so much more energy and I'm able to do more with my kids.

However, now my stepson has started going to football training on the same night that I go so DP has asked if I would be able to change my class so that he can go with him.

I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. The only two options I've got to change are: 1) I take the kids with me to the earlier session to get weighed but then I wouldn't be able to stay to class. I have a 1 year old and 4 year old, there's no way they'll sit still and be quiet and the leader has politely asked people in the past not to bring kids unless they can be good. Also it would end up being past their bedtime before I get them home.
2) I go to a different class in a different town the next day. I don't drive so it would mean me having to get two buses and would take me about 1&1/2 hours in each direction.
Plus the people at my existing group are my friends and are great support to me so I don't really want to have to move groups - I know that sounds silly but the group is often like a counselling session, they have supported me through my Mum's death and through my pregnancy.

I'm just annoyed because it's important to me and I feel now like DP doesn't take it too seriously. If I say I won't change I'm going to be the bad guy but I really don't want to.
I'm sure there must be a different football group somewhere? I'm not sure if his ex has arranged this on purpose because she knows it clashes with my class. There's 7 days in a week but out of the whole week she happens to pick the exact time and date that I'm busy. Coincidence?

Footface Fri 18-Oct-13 20:32:15

He has as much commitment to your children as he has to his oldest, and he actually has more obligation to do this for his first child than he has to be around for your children because he doesn't get to live with his oldest.

So if Dss did live with op then her dh would be less obliged to take him. confused

quoteunquote Fri 18-Oct-13 20:40:36

Get a baby sitter, simple.

It quite normal for your husband to want to support your son,

You only need a sitter for the bit between him leaving and you returning,

How long are both classes?

morethanpotatoprints Fri 18-Oct-13 20:48:34

Why are some people on here sounding harsh to the OPs dp?
Does it matter who sorts out a baby sitter?
What about cooperation and working as a partnership? He has to do this and that really doesn't help.
Perhaps the OPs dp wants to accompany his son to football training, it may be something they want to do together and neither of them should be denied this time together.
I agree that it shouldn't be at the expense of the OPs prior commitment, but does it really matter who looks for the bloody baby sitter.
God help your future relationships if you have to be so bloody petty.

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 20:52:05

What a horrible post, brokensunglasses.

The OP has made a massive achievement in losing the weight she has, and needs support from her dh in keeping on track, so less of the sarky "if you really can't bring yourself to stop going out." It's not like she's swanning off boozing in the pub, although tbh there's no reason why she shouldn't do that either if she wanted to.

I don't recall reading in the "how to be a perfect parent" book that you should subsume all your own wants to what the kids want. Frankly, I disagree that "a child is more important." What do you mean by that? It's a football session, ffs. Pick another day for the training. Or, shock horror, let his mother organise it.

Whocansay Fri 18-Oct-13 20:59:58

I'm a bit puzzled by most of the responses on this thread. The DP wants to spend time with his son. What on earth is wrong with that?

You want to make the DS find another football session? Well, other schools must be totally different from the ones round here, because you can't pick and choose when the sessions are. You go, or don't go.

You see going to Slimming World as a long term commitment. Fine. It's OK if you want to do a bit of navel gazing, but it is NOT a priority over your DP spending time with and helping his son.

YABU and selfish imo. How about looking at things from someone else's point of view?

volestair Fri 18-Oct-13 21:03:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 21:04:34

whocansay No. The OP has a commitment on this particular evening. Actually, it doesn't matter what it is. It is HER commitment and she is entitled to cherish and not have to justify it.

If her dh wants to do something else on this evening, fine. But HE needs to organise childcare in order to facilitate it.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 18-Oct-13 21:09:06

My dc have had commitments that have taken up all my free time, there is no way I would have expected them to stop anything so I could do something.
Saying that though, it is important to keep some of yourself when you have dc and I think the OP should keep that time irrespective of what she chooses to do with it.
I just don't understand the angst against her dp who is prioritising time with his son, which is to be commended imo.
Do parents saying it is unreasonable not take their kids to hobbies and support their interests?

Footface Fri 18-Oct-13 21:10:37

whocansay no where in the op does she say that it's to do with the school, there are loads of childrens football clubs each training on different nights if the week but often playing each other on a Sunday morning.

Surely everyone could look for a different club with a different days training

morethanpotatoprints Fri 18-Oct-13 21:13:01


So you are saying the OP is incapable of finding a baby sitter then, or that responsibilities within a relationship you know PARTNERSHIP are so anally defined?
No wonder my marriage has lasted so long, I wondered why that was.
Perhaps its because we would work it out together, I'd have probably found a baby sitter tbh, not that it matters.

ChippyMinton Fri 18-Oct-13 21:16:55

I agree that the OP has a long-standing commitment and should not be expected to change it.

Her DP should resolve this with his ex.

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 21:33:24

Why does the OP need to find a babysitter when it is her DP who wants to change the status quo. Newsflash: it's not always the woman's job to organise childcare.

And dh and I have clocked up 18 years of marriage, plus a while together before that, so thanks, but I do understand partnership.

BrokenSunglasses Fri 18-Oct-13 21:44:16

Her DP wants to change the status quo?

What, you mean by allowing his son to grow older and develop his own interests?

Isn't her long standing commitment to her children and her step children slightly more important than her long standing commitment to a group of women that meet up to have themselves weighed every week?

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 21:51:08

No, it's her long-standing commitment to her own health and well-being.
No one is stopping her DH from "allowing" his son to develop his own interests. But why is the OP expected to be the one to sacrifice something that is clearly very important to her?

pigsDOfly Fri 18-Oct-13 21:54:26

This is more than 'a group of women that meet up to have themselves weighed every week' BrokenSunglasses.

The OP feels supported and sustained by a group of women with whom she has built a relationship. Why should a child's football group be more important than her group.

I don't understand this with a lot of people on MN. They seem to feel that children's wishes should be paramount. If that's generally accepted practice in this country now, maybe it goes some way to explaining why there are so many spoiled self serving young adults around.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 18-Oct-13 22:12:44

If I wanted to make plans that did not involve my other children I would obtain suitable childcare, I would not expect the other parent to change long standing plans,

But then again I'm a woman so am clearly more capable of doing that that the average bloke!!!

What utter bollocks he's just as capable of doing so without expecting the op to change her plans a penis does not stop you making arrangements.

Musicaltheatremum Fri 18-Oct-13 22:19:59

You should keep to your class. You have done so so well and there is such a psychological element to weight loss in women. (I am obese size 18-20) so I understand.

SavoyCabbage Fri 18-Oct-13 22:22:21

While I understand its not ideal for the other two dc to not get home until 8.45 I don't think it's completely out of the question.

olgaga Fri 18-Oct-13 22:37:23

When your children are older and perhaps want to do sports or other activities on your SW night will you veto that too, on the basis that your DP can't be in 2 or 3 places at once?

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 23:42:57

But those sorts of trade-offs happen in families all the time. Currently, Thursday evenings are a nightmare for us, with clashes all over the place and some serious boxing and coxing going on.

But I agree with pigs. When did it become law that children's desires must trump adults? At some point they're going to have to learn that they're not the centre of the universe and that there might be some clubs/activities/parties/whatever they're going to have to sit out.

clam Fri 18-Oct-13 23:47:56

And I'm wondering how many men would be expected or prepared to ditch a long-standing hobby (football training for instance) in order to facilitate, say, their step-child's ballet lesson.

holidaysarenice Fri 18-Oct-13 23:53:22

My parents always said no friday night activities that needed collecting/lifts. It was their relaxing night.

They were happy to do any other night of the week. And did. With multiple places etc.

As children we knew this and said sorry I can't join x, its on a friday my parents are busy.

-- that's what happens the dss. Or he misses football when you he stays with u.

coppertop Sat 19-Oct-13 00:14:39

My answer would still be the same even if this was the OP's own child.

When my own children come home from school with letters and leaflets about clubs and activities they would like to try, I have to decide whether or not it's manageable. If the club/activity clashes with a pre-existing activity then the answer is no. I certainly wouldn't expect the person with the pre-existing arrangement to make other plans.

DisappointedHorse Sat 19-Oct-13 00:31:07

I spent 18 months at WW and my meetings were really important to me and critical to my weight loss. I wouldn't have given it up for anything.

The DCs had plenty of other activities, YANBU.

Whocansay Sat 19-Oct-13 08:54:53

I'd love to see this from the mum's point of view:

My ds wants to go to football training with his df, but his dad's gf won't let him because she wants to go Slimming World at that time every week. AIBU to expect his father to support him?

If this was the dp who wouldn't change his arrangements for the ds, you lot would have jumped all over him.

The ds is growing up and still wants to spend time with his dad. Maybe his dad wants to make the most of that time, before the ds grows up and no longer wants to spend so much time with his parents?

Footface the OP doesn't say where the training is held, nor has she given a timetable for events in her area. In my area, you cannot pick and choose training sessions, as times are set for ages. There is not much choice here.

clam this site is littered with women complaining about partners who have sporting or other commitments that they refuse to change for far lesser reasons than spending time with their children, and the partner is ALWAYS slated. I can't see how this is different. And frankly, it's hardly an endorsement for SW that the OP's still going after 2 1/2 years and clearly has an obsession with it.

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