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My dad had died. Will I ever feel ok again?

(93 Posts)
dollywashers Thu 17-Oct-13 18:18:22

My dad died yesterday. I'd love to hear from other people who have lost a parent if life can ever be the same again. I feel distraught. How do people go on living normal lives after something so heartbreaking.

awaynboilyurheid Fri 18-Oct-13 16:28:33

So sorry Dolly, It is the most horrendous thing to go through , my daughter has said she thinks I had post traumatic stress disorder after my beloved dad passed away as I really was not right for a long time counselling helped but it is just always with you and 4 years on it I can say I still get upset at times so I am not giving you much in the way of positive answers but now I can talk about him and look at all the lovely photos of him and smile at all the good memories , just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve hugsxx

LilRedWG Fri 18-Oct-13 16:16:32

So sorry Dolly. sad

Do you have any children? My DD helped me get through the immediate aftermath, just by being a toddler.

kali110 United States Fri 18-Oct-13 16:09:00

Thankyou weechops, hard to talk to family with out uppsetting them. Had some ex friends being nasty about the drama of it all. Still quite new to this site, dont know hw to use it but its nice that people come together and help one and other.

weechops Fri 18-Oct-13 11:57:58

Kali it would definitely help. I couldn't have told anyone else what I told the counsellor. They go at your pace and are mainly there to listen. Unload on them because they won't judge and you will feel a sense of relief. Pm me if you'd like.

FriendlyLadybird Fri 18-Oct-13 11:04:35

I'm so sorry. My wonderful father died eight years ago, after a long, progressive illness. We knew it was coming at some point but it didn't lessen the shock and pain when it finally did.
It does get better with time. I still think about him every day, but without the grief. Talking about him and looking at photographs helped.

WhoremoaneeGrainger Fri 18-Oct-13 10:55:53

My wonderful Dad passed away 6 years ago. I still miss him. I always will. His passing has left a massive hole in our lives. My DH's parents both passed away before DD was born, and she just adored my Dad. She struggled massively with losing him. That didnt help my own grieving process. As the oldest child I felt had to be the strong one for everybody else, but I couldnt talk to anyone else about how I felt. DH was terribly ill at the time, and my darling grandma died the following week, so I felt I couldnt even talk to my aunts and uncle.

Please please remember to talk about how you feel to someone.

Its okay to be sad, or happy, to cry and to smile. Memories are wonderful things to treasure.

It does get easier to remember your loved one without continual tears, i promise. The numbness does pass. You even remember its okay to laugh about them in the end.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs. xx

kali110 United States Fri 18-Oct-13 10:47:54

Weechops that was me. Its been 5 years, do u still think it would help? Sorry for questions, i dont like asking my family incase it upsets them.

Nancy66 Fri 18-Oct-13 10:42:40

Sorry Dolly.

my dad died quite a while ago. I was much closer to him than my mum and felt totally bereft at the loss.

today, I think about him every day and it makes me smile. I've got lots of pics of him around the house, I have his favourite songs in my iPod and I'm just so glad he was my dad.

you will get there but there's no rush xx

Bunraku Fri 18-Oct-13 10:34:03

So sorry to hear about your dad thanks my mum died suddenly 3 years ago. I was 21 and I was pregnant. The pain was so terrible I honestly thought I would die too.

It never gets 'normal' but it gets better and after time you will be able to remember good and happy memories. I always talk about my mum to my baby just so he knows who she was and I keep lots of pictures of her on the walls.

It's always good to gather memories and stories from people that knew your dad. Or visit a place where you feel close to him. These can be morsels of comfort. Surround yourself with good friends and family and you can help one another whenever someone's strength is waning.

weechops Fri 18-Oct-13 09:34:35

I'm so so sorry for your loss. My dad died last week and my mum died 12 years ago.

The grief does lessen over time, how long is different for everyone. I'm still crying every day over my dad and feel really raw.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and my baby boy is due on dads birthday. So I'm sure that date will be wonderful and awful at the same time.

Someone asked about grief counselling - it's never too late. I went to Cruse about a year after my mum died with feelings of guilt I couldn't talk about, and it really helped.

I hope you have lots of support and love round you x

kali110 United States Fri 18-Oct-13 08:52:34

My dad was in hospital for an accident, found out he had cancer and dead within the month.
I sdidnt deal with it i just went oit and partied. I still carry the guilt of all the things i never said. Has anyone had any grieve councillling?im wondering if its too late now.

PicnicPie Fri 18-Oct-13 08:51:35

Betty thank you. It was horrendous. You just think, it can't be...things like this happen on tv (so cliche). But it's true. It was so sad to not even get to say good bye. Just to see him laying there peacefully like he was going to wake up.

Although sometimes I wonder if it was easier, rather than seeing him suffer through an illness. It's hard. Either way a loss is a loss and it still brings a lot of pain.

Your poor DH. I hope he find the strength to pull through and get back on track soon. thanks.

Picnic that sounds horrendous, sorry for your loss too. DH's bro was sudden death (suicide) and it certainly knocks you for six, at least with my mum and his parents we were sort of expecting it.

Hope you are ok too x

PicnicPie Fri 18-Oct-13 08:39:50

My dad passed away 5 years ago. He was taken suddenly after being hit by a car whilst on a charity bike ride. It still stings today when I think about the phone call telling me he had died. Seeing my mum's face. Seeing my sibling's. It is the hardest and worst thing I have ever had to deal with.

It will never be easy. Every birthday, every family dinner there is and always will be a void. My dads dream was to become a grandad and last year when I had my DD it was one of the most bittersweet moments in my life.

But OP with time comes strenght. I have cried randomly over these last five years. And the best advice I can give you is to let it out. Don't keep it bottled in. I have a strong support network and can openly talk about my feelings. But my sister is a closed book. I told her to get counselling via her GP. She started it 12 months after my dad died and she said it was the best thing ever.

OP try to take comfort in all the good memories you have of your dear father. I hope you have lots of RL support.

Sending love to all those on this post that have lost a parent.

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum just over 3 years ago now....you will get some normality back in time but it will just be a different normal. You never get over losing them but in time you remember them with a smile than a tear.

My DH lost his dad 9 years ago, his mum 2 years ago and his bro 6 months ago - he is finding it all very difficult to cope with and I pray for us as a family he finds himself back on track soon.

Hugs to you, make sure you talk loads and get lots of support. The bereavement board is lovely so maybe when you feel up to it make your way over there x

madmomma Fri 18-Oct-13 08:26:42

It's 20 months since my Dad died and we were incredibly close. The heartbreak you feel now will give way to loving memories and appreciation. You will always miss him, but the pain goes and you do get to feel normal again. Now I just try to honour my Dad as much as I can in my everyday life. Little acts of kindness, little donations to his favourite charities. And cherishing my family the way he would want me to. It just takes time and a lot of tears to get through it. Sending you love.xx

kali110 United States Fri 18-Oct-13 08:16:34

Spikey i was 22, i feel like at my age (now 27) i should be anle to cope, but guess it doesnt matter your age it isnt easier.
Anytime something goes wrong think my dad should be here. Feel like a child again.

itsaruddygame Fri 18-Oct-13 07:50:09

My DHs dad died just over a week ago. His mum died 3 years ago so now he has no parents left. We just had a baby and as his family were overseas his dad didn't get to meet DS before he died. DH is so sad - it is awful to see in yet I feel quite powerless as nothing I say can make it hurt any less. His sister also gave up work to care for his dad ... we are hoping she may come and stay for a break and I hope this would be good for both of them.

I am sorry for your loss dolly and for all those on this thread that are coming to terms with losing parents.

ladymariner Fri 18-Oct-13 07:26:09

So sorry for you. I lost my darling Dad a month ago and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. You do get through things but you have to give yourself time. I think it's really hit me now, tbh, we have had a terrible year as he got more and mor confused, and his health began to deteriorate but then he went in to hospital, and never came out.
We are all absolutely devastated. We tried to give him the best send off we could, and we were really busy organising that but then it's over and there is this huge Dad shaped gap in our lives.
I'm back at work, and things outwardly are carrying on as before but I have this ache, like a knot, in my stomach that is there all the time. We've had birthdays and they were hard, it was the first time I've had a card signed just from my Mum, that reduced me to floods. I was absolutely fine last night then sat in the bath and cried my eyes out, it just came over me in a wave and that was that.
I miss my Dad so much, he was my hero and I love him so very much, that will never change.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that your love for him doesn't alter, but you have to give yourself time to grieve, to think about him, to let your feelings out as you need to. Allow people in to help, we were overwhelmed by the support and love shown us by friends and family, and people do mean it, they do want to help. Also I spent a lot of time looking at old photos, I still do, because it helps me think of my Dad as he was before that wicked cruel illness got hold of him, and they are the memories that are most strong in my mind now.
Sending you love and best wishes xxxx

cfc Fri 18-Oct-13 07:13:10

This is a powerful thread.

I can't add much but one more post saying that life goes on whether you like it or not and you will be taken along with the tide until you're able to swim again.

My dad died in 2000 when I was 20 and my sister was 16. I am upset and angry, these days, that I didn't get to know him as an equal (adult). Or rather that he didn't get to know me as an equal. And my family.

My heart goes out to you OP. I am so sorry for your pain.

kerala Fri 18-Oct-13 07:01:22

My lovely friend lost her father and I will never forget the first time I saw her afterwards she looked sort of hollowed out and like a different person. Just really affected me the enormity of the loss showing on her face. Am so sorry for you. My friend is back to her jolly self now and often mentions her father in a happy way.

bragmatic Fri 18-Oct-13 06:54:53

Oh, and on the really bad days? Just wallow in the grief, let it surround you and fill you. It sounds odd but for me, it sort of honours mum, in a funny sort of way. She was brilliant, and why should I not (from time to time) feel bereft? She would have wanted me to be happy, and I am. But bad days can be therapeutic.

bragmatic Fri 18-Oct-13 06:48:28

Yes, life will go back to normal. Particular 'milestones' (for me, the day my kids started school, first ballet concerts, etc) will make you tear up and sometimes you'll have to walk away from the throng and have a little weep. After a couple of years, you'll still well up, but you'll smile when you think how much their grandparent would have loved to see them run out on the soccer pitch, win their first swimming race, or get a maths award. So it's a happy/sad, bittersweet thing. Bearable.

Sorry for your loss. x

Sharpkat Fri 18-Oct-13 04:53:54

This has just made me cry. 6 years since my daddy died and I never forget it. We had not spoken for two years before.

Be yourself. Cry, eat, sleep when you can.

It does get easier but give yourself time. I was 27 at the time

Strokethefurrywall Fri 18-Oct-13 02:38:37

I lost my darling younger brother last year after his relatively short battle with cancer.

We were all with him when he passed and after watching him suffer through his chemo and all the pain, it was truly a relief to know he was no longer having to suffer so horrendously. But the pain was almost palpable, a ball of pain that just followed us around.

I cried every day for months, at times I didn't even sob, my body just leaked tears and I wouldn't even realise. But what I found the most amazing was just how much all the messages of support helped us - I was so truly touched by the facebook messages, phone calls, flowers and overwhelming support that came from so many people. It was amazingly heart warming and I did feel stronger as the days went by. The tears stopped coming every day - soon it was every 2 days, every week, now it's when I hear music that we both loved, that he played (he was a musician). But even though I sometimes find it hard, I force myself to listen and remember him. Because pretty soon I won't remember him with a stab of pain in my heart, I'll remember him with joy and love first.

I never realised how his death would change me as a person. I hope it has changed me for the better. I'm more emphatic, more caring and all too aware that life is too short.

I remember when he died just being totally desperate to get through the grief. I wanted a timeline. I wanted to know when the awful gut wrenching pain would end. And I can say is that it does ease, and the gut wrenching grief does lessen.

I'm so truly sorry for your loss - I, and most everyone on this thread, know all too well your utter pain and helplessness and wish there was something we could do to ease that pain. Please know that we're all sending our love and healing thoughts to you and your family.

flowers xx

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