My dad had died. Will I ever feel ok again?

(93 Posts)
dollywashers Thu 17-Oct-13 18:18:22

My dad died yesterday. I'd love to hear from other people who have lost a parent if life can ever be the same again. I feel distraught. How do people go on living normal lives after something so heartbreaking.

Ginnytonic82 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:45:56

I'm so sorry. I lost my dad 6 years ago now, and while it is very difficult I hand on heart promise it gets better. One of the most helpful things has been talking about our fond (and funny) memories of him as a family. Stick together and support each other, don't be afraid to ask of help if you need or want it. The best advice my mum gave to us all was, there is no right or wrong way to feel right now, laugh, cry, scream, whatever you need.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 17-Oct-13 18:46:12

It will get easier to live with. My lovely Dad died 6 years ago and it's terrible but it does get easier, I promise.

AnyoneforTurps Thu 17-Oct-13 18:50:30

You never "get over" a death but, in time, you learn to live without the person. You never stop missing them, but it stops being so painful. My Dad died 12 years ago this month and I still think of him every day but that's a good thing - now that the pain of losing him has reduced, I enjoy being reminded of him so often.

Be very kind to yourself and give yourself time. thanks

BlackeyedSusan Thu 17-Oct-13 18:50:43

different people respond to grief in different ways. my dad died just over a year ago. I had to put grief on hold while I looked after mum who, quite frankly, went to pieces and ended up in a care home for 4 months. I am now letting it out in bits and pieces. you do learn to live with the grief. it stings less and less often s time passes, at least for me. I am still not yet at a stage where i can think about him with pleasant memories but it hs got better.

Bunbaker Thu 17-Oct-13 18:54:04

"You never "get over" a death but, in time, you learn to live without the person"

Everyone is different. I have "got over" both of my parents deaths, but I had left home for quite a few years and was used to only seeing them every few months. My mum died 23 years ago and my dad 26 years ago. If they were still alive my dad would have been 104 and my mum 94. It doesn't mean I loved them any less.

sparkle12mar08 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:55:27

My parents both died 18 and 20 years ago. Life does get better, yes. It's never the same because you can't get them back, but you become accustomed to living with the loss. If I'm very honest about it, it's been so very long for me, more than half my life, that I often don't think about them day to day, and there's an acceptance now (and has been for a long time) that my life just is what it is. That is in stark contrast to the first few years after loosing them, it took about two years to get over the first raw, physically painful grief, and another two years or so to start feeling about 'normal' again. And over the past decade or so my life has moved to a place where I feel they would have liked me to be - happy, settled, with a family of my own. And that knowledge that they would be happy and pleased for me helps on the odd days when things come back to me.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and you have my best wishes x

I lost my Mum 12 years ago, and Dad 2 weeks ago.
It's difficult, right now I'm a bit of a mess.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Oct-13 18:58:55

I'm so sorry OP, what a shocksad thanks

I don't think you ever 'get over' someone close dying,I think your world shifts and you find a new way to carry on.

Ime anything goes for the first year at least of grieving so expect lots of ups and downs and be very kind to yourself x

Jan49 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:59:22

I'm so sorry. thanks

My parents and grandparents are all long dead, but I think of one or another of them every day. Sometimes it's in a sad way and sometimes it's remembering them in a nice way. They are part of me and who I am so they live on in that way.

MatryoshkaDoll Thu 17-Oct-13 19:00:28

My mum died quite suddenly six years ago and yes, I promise you, you will feel okay again. Bit obviously not right away. Grief is a very unique process to each person and there's nothing you can do to hurry it up unfortunately.

But it's vital that you do allow yourself to grieve properly. Sleep, try to eat regularly, cry, be gentle with yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. But I do promise it gets a lot easier to bear with time.

ElsiesToy Thu 17-Oct-13 19:05:16

I'm sorry to hear about your dad dolly.

My dad died in January. The awful lurching sick feeling in the pit of your stomach passes, as does the uphill soupy numb sensation that you feel like you are trudging through for weeks.

It takes time but it does get different. Less sharp. Good and happy memories surface through the grief which make it more tolerable.

Eat whatever you want to. Sleep whenever you can or want to. Cry whenever you want to.

Big hugs for you xxx

Bunbaker Thu 17-Oct-13 19:07:49

So sorry Netto flowers

Finola1step Thu 17-Oct-13 19:10:00

Hello Dolly. I'm so sorry about your dad. Tomorrow will be 6 months since I lost my Dad. I can't decide if the six months have dragged or whizzed past in a blur.

Tomorrow is a day that I thought I would dread. But actually I'm ok. Not fantastic. But ok. I've started doing bits and pieces to help myself and my dc remember Dad. Have ordered the apple tree my son would like to plant, have been going through old camera memory cards in case there are photos on them I have missed.

You will feel better. But no one can tell you when and no one has the right to try. Your grief is personal and you have the right to grieve for your dad in your own way and in your own time. You will be in my thoughts.

CPtart Thu 17-Oct-13 19:24:00

My dad died almost 15 years ago when he was 54 and I was 26. The absolute worst time of my life, although it does get easier as the months pass but you never forget and I could cry about it now.

He never saw me married or saw my lovely boys. He was deprived of that and they of him, and that's the saddest part of all.

thegreylady Thu 17-Oct-13 19:27:49

I have lost both my parents and a husband. The grieving never stops but it changes and you change too. So sorry for your loss.

josephinebruce Thu 17-Oct-13 19:29:04

I am so very sorry for your loss. My parents are still alive, but I lost my partner very suddenly a few years ago. I have no memory of the first 6 months following his death now, but I do know that it seemed that the whole world had turned on its head. I do remember that the change in seasons was particularly difficult because it was like the world was moving on and he wasn't in it anymore. Sounds silly now, but at the time it all made sense. During that time someone told me that when things are at their worst just concentrate on getting through the next hour. That helped. SOmetimes you will need to just shut yourself away from the world and grieve, sometimes you will need to be with people and be comforted. Life will never be the same because your Dad isn't there any longer, but that doesn't mean that it has no meaning, or that it has no more joy for you. It is a cliche, but time does heal - or at least you get used to the change. Take care and big hugs xx

plummyjam Thu 17-Oct-13 19:32:45

thanks

I lost my dad suddenly 10 years ago. I think the hardest thing initially was helping my mum to deal with it. Then later my own sadness. I remember asking a friend whose dad had died when she was a child how long she felt it took her to get over it.

"You don't get over it, you just get on with it".

Probably the best advice I was given. I think about him every day but when we talk about him now we smile and laugh and I'm not sad any more.

Take each day as it comes and talk about how you're feeling. It's surprising how many other people have been through the same thing and how much strength you can draw from each other.

Primafacie Thu 17-Oct-13 19:34:00

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my dad two years ago. The first year was the most difficult - every day is a "first" - first Christmas without him, birthdays, or just normal days - I kept thinking "but he's not here to see it". My son was born three weeks after my dad died, my head was all over the place but it kept me busy, which I think was a good thing.

Big hugs.

Bunbaker Thu 17-Oct-13 19:36:17

Primafacie is right. The first milestones are the hardest, but it does get easier.

spindlyspindler Thu 17-Oct-13 20:03:53

I am so sorry. My dad died of a heart attack in 1999 - no warning. You won't forget him but you'll learn to live with it. It will get easier and you will feel human again. I'm so sorry x

kumamon Thu 17-Oct-13 20:16:54

I remember writing a very similar message Dollywasher almost 5 years ago the day after my Dad died.

I promise you that you will be ok. You'll have times when it hits you hard, but never more than you can take at time. The waves of sadness come and then go, until they get less frequent and less painful and gradually recede to a point where you are at peace. But don't be worried about the ebb and flow, grief is not linear and sometimes you won't understand your emotions.

I had a moment, a few days after he died - just half a minute or something - when I felt this overwhelming rush of love bad peace - and I knew he was there, and was happy. It was incredible and it was something I could hold on to in the darker times.

Hug a lot, cry a lot, and even laugh sometimes. You will be ok, but I am thinking of you at this very difficult time.

quoteunquote Thu 17-Oct-13 20:17:47

Mum died twenty years ago, it's hard I won't lie, a different type of normal will eventually emerge.

kumamon Thu 17-Oct-13 20:18:01

*Love AND peace. Sorry

MissBetseyTrotwood Thu 17-Oct-13 20:26:17

23 years ago here. It will become less raw and it will change all the time. With each new step you take in life, they way you remember him and need his memory will change. I'm not going to lie; the day I married, the days I had my babies the sadness and empty space was still there, as if he should be there. But the very act of remembering him and wanting him there was a way of keeping him alive and it's that I'll never forget him that makes him part of my life ever day.

Be good to yourself now. Small steps.

Bathtimesoaker Thu 17-Oct-13 20:26:21

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was 23 when my father just didn't wake up one morning. It's never been the same since and life is still a lot harder without him even though it's nearly 5 years. I got married 2 months ago and am still devastated that he's not there. In my experience the tears get less and the pain is less raw but it still hurts. Try and write down stories of your father now if you can, I know it hurts. I did that and I've been surprised by how many things I've forgotten and I find it a joy to read those stories now.

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