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To expect when my dh has said he has been doing housework all that day that includes, making beds, hovering, polishing, fuming!!!

(189 Posts)
Allthreerolledintoone Thu 17-Oct-13 16:46:05

I now work full-time and I am really struggling with work and running a home I feel like I do everything. Dh does most of the ironing, DIY occasionally tea and dishes sometimes pack lunches I do every thing else plus the above maybe not so much ironing but I will if needed.
Anyway kids have been home with dh today because of the strike. I come home from work and ask what they have been doing thinking dh may have taken them out and he said he bathed the kids, did all the housework and baking and washing three loads apparently( the basket was half empty yesterday so I doubt it unless he's emptied his work bag today instead of 2moro. Baking was 8 plain buns :-/ so hardly an afternoon.
Oh and he went to the shop I wrote a list of 8 items. I've come home and the house hasn't been polished or hoovered the beds haven't even been made, the bathroom is a mess and I am failing to see what house work he has actually done. I am livid because he could of made the beds at least and took the children out but no the kids look bored, my house looks exactly the same as I left it. Tbh it's tipped me over the edge I've had enough.
Yesterday he had an orange, peeled it and left the peel on the table. I left if for 2 days and no one put it in the bin only my mum did when she came around. I am sick to death of picking up after him to the point even these tiny tedious things irritate me. But apparently I am nagging, I am stressed and tired and irritated by his thoughtlessness. His excuses are I forgot, i I was going to do it, I didn't see it or il do it later but never actually does. Honestly I've been sat for the last hour in tears thinking I want him to leave. I cannot bear to be in the same room any more I do admit it's my time of the month if I seem extreme but it's all building up.

Allthreerolledintoone Sat 19-Oct-13 10:15:43

Thanks for the tips guys. I didn't expect him to polish, hoover etc but he did say he had been doing all of the housework so my expectations
were raised iykwim. I just expected the little jobs that I have to do every day when I get home to be done.

BooCanary Sat 19-Oct-13 09:36:25

OP - if you can't rely on your DH to keep on top of housework, then you need to have a chat about other responsibilities.

my DH has much lower standards than me. He is crap at remembering to check school bags, general tidying and generally he is pretty inefficient in the home!

As a result, we have agreed he does certain things that free me up to do things.

He gets up with DCs on the weekend, gets breakfast etc so I get a lie in. He prefers to maximize sleep on work days, and I prefer to do some chores first thing before work.

He takes DCs to breakfast club whilst I tidy house or get to work early.

He does DDs homework with her, and I do it with DS, which requires more patience.

He irons his own work clothes ( if he doesn't do it it has no effect on me)

He baths dcs whilst I do tea.

IMO, making a big issue about housework will get you nowhere. Division of labour/allocation of duties is best plan.

ZenNudist Sat 19-Oct-13 08:29:00

To add to what others have said. You sound tired & stressed & like you're not coping with your new routine. Don't worry, it takes time to adjust. Taking it out on dh just creates another problem. You need to work together & maybe he just needs a bit of handling to get what you want.

You need to compromise too. Stop trying to maintain the standards you had as sahm. You will find that as you bed into your new role you will be able to fit more in.

To cope in the meantime a cleaner is a good idea, but its still a chore to tidy so they can clean! Also consider more convenience foods just til you get on your feet. I am a big fan of cooking from scratch but when I went back to work after mat leave we ate a lot of Covent garden soup! Batch cook & freeze things like spag Bol in cubes or small portions so you can just defrost what's needed (for dc say) & make a cooking session count so effort expensed does for more than one meal. ATM I'm pregnant & have started to use (extortionately priced) ready mashed potato & bought cauliflower cheese to make a plain meat & veg dinner more exciting. Small aldi Roast leg of lamb does for 2 nights with sides like this.

I couldn't have done all I do now (eg let my cleaner go after a year) when I first went back to work. I'm not saying its your responsibility & it's all shared work but don't be too precious about it.

If your dh is actually useless then a calm discussion about what (really) needs to be done (clue, dusting not on that list) & how you are both going to do it together is what you need to do.

Either give up caring what mil thinks or suggest you visit her until house is more visitor friendly. Perhaps go put for weekend lunch/tea with her to be out of the house together.I often think of visits not just in hassle to get there but also hassle saved in not tidying for visitors. Be honest why you can't stay home. i.e "we are struggling to make home presentable when family is adjusting to new routine, we'd be more comfortable restricting visitors for now".

Stop blaming dh & be wary of playing the martyr. Think clearly what he does do. In not saying he isn't being shiftless but you're currently locked into a very negative way of dealing with it.

Good luck.

EBearhug Sat 19-Oct-13 01:37:31

Dusting is waving a duster over the surfaces. (Actually, I am going to have to do the cobwebs soon - they're getting too noticeable.) Polish is spraying on stuff and rubbing it off, if you're going for a quick going over, or getting out the beeswax stuff if you are feeling a bit mad. It does smell and look good afterwards, mind you.

You can also polish shoes and metal ornaments.

I have worked as a cleaner on the past, and I can do it well when I want to. But I do think that if you don't move things too much, it's less noticeable. And mostly, I can't be bothered.

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 01:28:50

I love the fact that I, Queen of "Fuck it, that'll do" housework is giving tips grin

Lj8893 Sat 19-Oct-13 01:18:17

Not just you mspickle grin

MsPickle Sat 19-Oct-13 00:51:05

Is it just me or is anyone else appreciating the detailing of this thread into housework tips?!

OP I have to agree with pp that lack of effective communication seems to be the real problem. You've mentioned that he shouted at you in the past if things weren't up to scratch and that he shouts at ds for his homework etc...is that how disputes are worked through? And is that ok with you? Orange peel/dusting etc is by the by. Dh had to have a day off here this week as I was ill (I'm currently on mat leave, two DC aged 4 & 2). He's really under pressure at work and REALLY could have done without losing a day in the office. But he coped. No 'other chores' but he fitted in some work, fed everyone, left the kitchen clean and tidy etc. he's a long way from 'perfect' but so am I! A strong healthy relationship is a dialogue and accommodating each other. Is this what you feel you have?

Lj8893 Sat 19-Oct-13 00:49:09

Ooooo good idea!

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 00:43:54

Lj Spray it on the radiator (when the heating is on, obv!) smells lovely but none of the work!

I dust with the hoover. It has a brushy dustery thing on it that works a treat and as we have no fiddly bits and bobs Ican just run it along the shelves. Also, I read that hoovering the dust of the back of the tv, inlets of PCs etc is better than dusting as it actually removes the dust instead of just moving it about.

TiredFeet Sat 19-Oct-13 00:40:24

I only make the beds if we have visitors coming. Never polish but I think the cleaner does on her fortnightly visits.

I think you are largely being unreasonable, I would be furious with DH if I had been looking after the children all day and he came home and was annoyed that I hadn't polished!

however, of course if you are working full time and studying you shouldn't be bearing the burden of most of the housework etc. I made this very clear to my DH when I went back to work after maternity leave (and I only work 3.5 days/ week). This is why we have a cleaner and also DH is expected to do housework / cooking too.

Lj8893 Sat 19-Oct-13 00:34:54

Ahhh, I've always thought polishing/dusting the same thing! My mistake......I just thought polishing was dusting using polish really, and using polish is a individuals choice.

So those that say they never polish, they do dust?

(I use polish purely because I'm obsessed with the smell)

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 00:23:48

OP, do you mean polish or do you mean dust?

And no, I never make the bed until I am just about to get back into it! I get up, scoot downstairs with the little one for breakfast, make lunches, school run etc and dont go back into the bedroom until bedtime!

valiumredhead Sat 19-Oct-13 00:13:32

Polish ornaments do you mean? I don't have anygrin

BackforGood Sat 19-Oct-13 00:09:46

Surely 'making the bed' nowadays is pulling the duvet straight as you walk past.... maybe a 1 or 2 second "job"
Polish - nope - I never polish - seem to have managed being a home owner for 23 yrs now without ever needing to do that

As for the opening post, if I'd taken a day off to have the dc at home, and done all the OP's dh had done, I'd consider that a fairly balanced amount of work / relaxing tbh. I'd not be very appreciative if my dh then started questioning the amount I'd done when he got in.

ilovesooty Sat 19-Oct-13 00:05:59

I don't remember the last time I polished.

FrightRider Sat 19-Oct-13 00:00:29

making the beds in my house just involves a 5 second 'tweak' of putting the duvet straight... which i do in the morning while fetching the kids undies to get them dressed downstairs.

I dont make my bed, DH works nights, he can straighten it before he gets in it after i've vacated it!

FrightRider Fri 18-Oct-13 23:58:12

polish?

hell no. i have asthma, i'm not spraying that crap anywhere near me.. i use disposable dusters and a baby wipe, probably once a month.

EBearhug Fri 18-Oct-13 23:56:48

I make the bed nearly every day (I have occasionally not got round to it at the weekend.)

I also polish, but that probably happens about once a year, with dusting being far more frequent, at at least 3 times a year.

(I live alone. I'm the only person who suffers from me not cleaning as frequently as I would have happen if I wasn't the one doing it.)

hettienne Fri 18-Oct-13 23:46:32

Polish what?

I sometimes make the beds, not often though.

Allthreerolledintoone Fri 18-Oct-13 23:44:56

Surely most people make the bed and polish thlshock

ArgyMargy Fri 18-Oct-13 23:37:14

Making beds? Is that a thing?

FrightRider Fri 18-Oct-13 23:12:08

i think yabu, but not completely.

Im a Sahm, Dh works fulltime.. he is also tidier than i am and his standards are much higher than mine.

We nearly broke up over it because he got annoyed that the house wasnt as clean as HE wanted it and because i didnt clean the way HE thought it should be done. He would come home from work and spend 20 minutes ranting and telling me off about every little thing i hadnt done.

It got to the point i would scoot around the house in a panic just before he got home checking to see if i'd missed anything.

Then i grew a pair of balls, walked out and told him if he wanted to be married to me, he needed to learn to accept that as 'housewife' that the house would be cleaned to MY fucking standards not his, and if he felt something needed doing before i got to it on my schedule, he could do it his damn self and shut the fuck up. But on the flip side, i agreed to try and be a bit more dilligent about certain messes that really got up his nose.

Its much more pleasant around here now we work to that.

Basically.. if he's supposed to be doing the housework, you need to accept the house will be cleaned to his standards, not yours.. but yes, he does need to come to the party bit too!

pianodoodle Fri 18-Oct-13 23:11:45

pianodoodle

Fuck off! The average man expects to do housework. On the other hand, woe betide the man who says he does more than his fair share, for he will be assumed to be a whinging prick who believes women's place is in the home

Oh ffs. Touched a nerve?

ICameOnTheJitney Fri 18-Oct-13 23:01:46

OP listed baking as a chore-like activity.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Fri 18-Oct-13 22:44:04

Baking?! Baking isn't housework, it's an entirely non-essential activity.

Who said it was?

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