To hate that my Dp ALWAYS wants to chill?(35 Posts)
Been with my Dp for nearly 5yrs and he has always been happy to go with the flow and let me make the decisions on most things, where we live where we go out, when we were to have a baby etc. Fast forward to a flat and baby later he's the same and there are things that I just wish he'd want to do. He's quite happy to come home from work and play GTA (don't get me started on that one!) and then at the weekend relax as he's been at work all week. He works shifts so some weeks he'll only work 2/3 days but will then what to chill as he's NOT at work.
This pretty much leaves me to come up with things to do, going to the park, out for dinner (with ds), to families or day trips (these are very rare). 99% of the time I have to really sell this to him and try and convince him to want to do something, I love to be out. I do bits on my own too and he's normally at home 'chillin' but I think it's good for us to do things as a family.
I recently spoke to him about going on holiday next year and he says he doesn't want to go as he won't feel relaxed as DS will still be a baby (15or so months) and wont be independant yet, plus he won't remember. He Just doesn't see the point in spending money to go away to pretty much do what we do here. Turned into a big argument as I'm pro holiday for reasons that are common sense to me but Dp just doesn't see the appeal.
I'm very tempted to go alone or with a family member as I need a holiday.
He says there is no pleasing me and I always want to do stuff all the time.
We are only 30 and I'd hate to be an old lady full of regrets. AIBU?
I sympathise OP and what you describe would drive me nuts.
I have a DH whose default tendency is to chill, and he has a full-on stressful job, a long day etc etc, and I genuinely get that he needs some relaxing 'at home' time. He would, in all honesty, be happy to sit and play computer games all day at the weekend. But nine years of parenthood (we have 3 DC) has taught him that there needs to be a balance to weekend family time and it is not possible to do what might have been the preferred option pre-DC.
Some time 'chilling' is fine, healthy, necessary for all of us.
An entire weekend 'chilling', if this roughly translates to sitting on his backside playing video games whilst someone else does the childcare, is really not on.
You may find that your DH improves as your DS gets older and can verbalise wanting to do things and spend time with him, and/or if you have additional DC and the need for varied activities becomes painfully obvious! (Our kids reach a point where they start climbing the walls if we've been indoors for too long). It is hard, I think, when they are only babies. Older DC who can ride bikes and scoot and kick footballs around and actually go on stuff at the park can be a lot more appealing.
Or it may be that this is just how he is and you have to learn to live with it. Difficult though. YANBU.
Suke - good thinking, I will but he's easily pleased, so won't be much criteria!
Suke - good thinking, I will but he's easily
Ha ha Jessie, he surely does!
I think men just don't grow up and stay as boys, I'd love to be able to switch off by playing with barbies. Sigh
Lord, all these grown men playing console games rather than enjoying doing things with their families.
WTAF is this all about?
Does he actually call it "chillin'"? For that alone, LTB.
Yep, another who can sympathise. My DH works with a fairly substantial commute while I am a SAHM. Back BC we used to enjoy going out places together but now he says he is just tired at the w/e, spends all week out of his house and wants to just be at home. He is also v keen on GTA and other games and will spend hours per weekend playing sports video games. He used to spend all Saturday at the local football match but that has eased off lately.
I take the DCs and dog for a walk alone, usually take them on outings alone, take them to parties alone, and so on. It does make me feel sad when I see other families out together. We do go to church together, so that's one thing we can do as a family each weekend.
He also loves going on holiday, although a good part of each day (morning and evening) is spent reading, playing with his iphone, etc. I would suggest perhaps asking your partner what he would really like from a holiday and then see if you can come up with a compromise on location and holiday type.
This is hilarious because in our house I'm the one who usually can't be bothered. The main result is that DH makes the decisions and most of the bookings since he's the one who gets restless. I think that's only fair: if you want the holiday, you arrange it. But I do try not to be a wet blanket by: going along cheerfully (and not complaining about his choices of place/lodging/etc if I couldn't be bothered to get involved when they were being chosen); at least once in a while getting stuck in and doing the work of organising; always being aware that it is lucky for me and our DC that DH is willing to do most of the planning. Yes, with 3 DC sometimes it feels like these trips are more work than staying home. But they are good for the DC, and even for me. When I'm depressed I don't want to bother, but going out and doing things helps un-depress me.
He doesn't smoke.
He has been always been like this in actual fact, and I actually did feel really lucky to have such a chilled Dp who would be happy (if sometimes a little pushed) to do what I wanted to do, I thought (stupidly) that he would WANT to do things with DS? He's great with him at home tho and happy to look after him while I go to the gym, shopping with friends, but won't take him out?
The flip side of planning everything is that its very draining and if things go wrong, then it's my fault as its what I want to do, I guess I hate that total accountability?
It's good to hear that we're not the only one! We do get on really well and I love him to bits, I guess I just have to put up with it!
I think chilling some time is therapeutic. Imperative even.
But I wouldn't want it as the default setting. God no.
DH often books tickets for bands, plays, sports events. We always go away as a family two or three times a year and it's never all left to me!
OP you must be very frustrated!
YANBU. I disagree with posters saying this is how he is and you should accept it. He is a dad, and needs to spend time playing/ showing his DC new experiences both as a family and 1 on 1. This takes effort and is part of being a parent and raising a child.
To refuse to go on holiday (assuming you have the funds to do so) is mean and unfair on you if this is something you want for yourself and your child
We have had several holidays with our DC and we have a great time, nothing better for a 2 y o to spend the day playing on the beach, exploring, being in a new environment.
My DH would also far rather chill all weekend, but he gets chill time and family time (I do have to organise it most of the time though!)
My friend's DH is like this, and it drives her nuts sometimes, but honestly, from the outside he is a lovely man, would do anything for her, is a great dad etc. and so she just works with it.
Look on the bright side - at least you get to choose what you do - and yes, find other friends or family to do the things you want to do with.
I am always pushing to do stuff but I agree with other posters that he is right about the holiday - it really is not very relaxing, but then neither is being at home! Just don't spend too much money or expect to do the things you used to do on holiday (I got to read a whold book for the first time on holiday when DS2 was 4 and we were camping).
I would have gone insane from boredom by now if he was my DP, so I don't think YABU to hate what he's doing. However, he's not wrong to enjoy relaxing in any way he sees fit. We're all different. As long as he's not making you do more than your fair share regarding childcare/chores, etc., that's just the way he is and you either have to accept it or split up.
I understand to a degree. I'm at home and love getting the kids out for days out, walks, park etc. my husband lives to chill and just doesn't seem to feel the need. Feel I'm always suggesting stuff but hard to get motivated when you know they aren't that to it and have a long face, sometimes it's got really bad. I've end up finding friends who like what I like doing and we do all the outdoors stuff together, take the kids to caravan Hols (husband's idea of hell). We do lots of holidays but abroad. I take the kids myself sometimes if it's a few low key days away in the UK or with a friend.
I sympathise, it can be really hard when you ae out of sync - don't really know what the solution is.
He would do my head in.
We went to Turkey for a week with an 18 month old, we (and she) had a fab time.
I'm not long back from hols with my mum & DD (DH couldn't go because of work). It was hard work, but it was great. Babies/toddlers are hard work whether you are at home or on hols. I'd rather be sat on a beach looking after my DD than stuck at home!!!
It just sounds as if you are 2 different sorts of people - nowt wrong with that, but the kind of thing most of us take into consideration before we start a family with someone. I don't see how you can really complain if that is what he has been like as long as you've known him.
I have one of those, he's incredibly chilled to the point he needs a rocket up his arse to do anything. Don't get me started on the decorating. Or GTA!
I decide what we eat, what we watch, where we go on holiday, what we do at the weekends, most things. I'm far more of a doer. Over the years it's driven me mad but actually I just work with it now. I won't change him and my life is better with him in it.
He's happy to go on holiday but doesn't have the same need to travel that I do so I tell him I'm going away for a few days with friends, he's looking after the kids. He's fine with it. I decide how the house is decorated and book a decorator, he's fine with it.
There are times I just lose my rag and shout at him to just make a bloody decision but on the whole having a partner who is so relaxed is actually quite nice. He doesn't get angry, or controlling, is happy, sociable (as long as I arrange it!) a great conversationalist and I think is generally content to just be. After being in an EA relationship for many years I think it's actually what attracted me to him in the first place. Has yours always been like this?
If he really won't do anything with you at all though, that may be cause for concern.
YANBU about everything up to the holiday. I agree with Dh there that it just won't be fun.
I was thinking that moogy
He's not going to change so you need to decide what you want from life.
Stay with him for the next 20+ years waiting for him to get some gumption or go and find someone who you are more suited to?
The decision is yours!
Does he do any of the looking after of DS on his own? Or is he always chilling too much to allow you to go anywhere on your own - gym, shopping etc?
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