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To hate that my Dp ALWAYS wants to chill?

(35 Posts)
Itsybitsyteenyweeneyyellowpolk Thu 17-Oct-13 16:28:47

Been with my Dp for nearly 5yrs and he has always been happy to go with the flow and let me make the decisions on most things, where we live where we go out, when we were to have a baby etc. Fast forward to a flat and baby later he's the same and there are things that I just wish he'd want to do. He's quite happy to come home from work and play GTA (don't get me started on that one!) and then at the weekend relax as he's been at work all week. He works shifts so some weeks he'll only work 2/3 days but will then what to chill as he's NOT at work.

This pretty much leaves me to come up with things to do, going to the park, out for dinner (with ds), to families or day trips (these are very rare). 99% of the time I have to really sell this to him and try and convince him to want to do something, I love to be out. I do bits on my own too and he's normally at home 'chillin' but I think it's good for us to do things as a family.

I recently spoke to him about going on holiday next year and he says he doesn't want to go as he won't feel relaxed as DS will still be a baby (15or so months) and wont be independant yet, plus he won't remember. He Just doesn't see the point in spending money to go away to pretty much do what we do here. Turned into a big argument as I'm pro holiday for reasons that are common sense to me but Dp just doesn't see the appeal.

I'm very tempted to go alone or with a family member as I need a holiday.

He says there is no pleasing me and I always want to do stuff all the time.

We are only 30 and I'd hate to be an old lady full of regrets. AIBU?

SetFiretotheRain Thu 17-Oct-13 17:42:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsybitsyteenyweeneyyellowpolk Thu 17-Oct-13 17:43:52

He doesn't smoke.

He has been always been like this in actual fact, and I actually did feel really lucky to have such a chilled Dp who would be happy (if sometimes a little pushed) to do what I wanted to do, I thought (stupidly) that he would WANT to do things with DS? He's great with him at home tho and happy to look after him while I go to the gym, shopping with friends, but won't take him out?

The flip side of planning everything is that its very draining and if things go wrong, then it's my fault as its what I want to do, I guess I hate that total accountability?

It's good to hear that we're not the only one! We do get on really well and I love him to bits, I guess I just have to put up with it!

CHJR Thu 17-Oct-13 18:21:42

This is hilarious because in our house I'm the one who usually can't be bothered. The main result is that DH makes the decisions and most of the bookings since he's the one who gets restless. I think that's only fair: if you want the holiday, you arrange it. But I do try not to be a wet blanket by: going along cheerfully (and not complaining about his choices of place/lodging/etc if I couldn't be bothered to get involved when they were being chosen); at least once in a while getting stuck in and doing the work of organising; always being aware that it is lucky for me and our DC that DH is willing to do most of the planning. Yes, with 3 DC sometimes it feels like these trips are more work than staying home. But they are good for the DC, and even for me. When I'm depressed I don't want to bother, but going out and doing things helps un-depress me.

Sukebind Thu 17-Oct-13 18:45:40

Yep, another who can sympathise. My DH works with a fairly substantial commute while I am a SAHM. Back BC we used to enjoy going out places together but now he says he is just tired at the w/e, spends all week out of his house and wants to just be at home. He is also v keen on GTA and other games and will spend hours per weekend playing sports video games. He used to spend all Saturday at the local football match but that has eased off lately.
I take the DCs and dog for a walk alone, usually take them on outings alone, take them to parties alone, and so on. It does make me feel sad when I see other families out together. We do go to church together, so that's one thing we can do as a family each weekend.
He also loves going on holiday, although a good part of each day (morning and evening) is spent reading, playing with his iphone, etc. I would suggest perhaps asking your partner what he would really like from a holiday and then see if you can come up with a compromise on location and holiday type.

JessieMcJessie Thu 17-Oct-13 18:54:10

Does he actually call it "chillin'"? For that alone, LTB.

wordfactory Thu 17-Oct-13 20:32:07

Lord, all these grown men playing console games rather than enjoying doing things with their families.

WTAF is this all about?

Itsybitsyteenyweeneyyellowpolk Thu 17-Oct-13 22:28:59

Ha ha Jessie, he surely does!

I think men just don't grow up and stay as boys, I'd love to be able to switch off by playing with barbies. Sigh

Itsybitsyteenyweeneyyellowpolk Thu 17-Oct-13 22:30:29

Suke - good thinking, I will but he's easily

Itsybitsyteenyweeneyyellowpolk Thu 17-Oct-13 22:31:10

Suke - good thinking, I will but he's easily pleased, so won't be much criteria!

dietcokeandwine Thu 17-Oct-13 23:02:08

I sympathise OP and what you describe would drive me nuts.

I have a DH whose default tendency is to chill, and he has a full-on stressful job, a long day etc etc, and I genuinely get that he needs some relaxing 'at home' time. He would, in all honesty, be happy to sit and play computer games all day at the weekend. But nine years of parenthood (we have 3 DC) has taught him that there needs to be a balance to weekend family time and it is not possible to do what might have been the preferred option pre-DC.

Some time 'chilling' is fine, healthy, necessary for all of us.

An entire weekend 'chilling', if this roughly translates to sitting on his backside playing video games whilst someone else does the childcare, is really not on.

You may find that your DH improves as your DS gets older and can verbalise wanting to do things and spend time with him, and/or if you have additional DC and the need for varied activities becomes painfully obvious! (Our kids reach a point where they start climbing the walls if we've been indoors for too long). It is hard, I think, when they are only babies. Older DC who can ride bikes and scoot and kick footballs around and actually go on stuff at the park can be a lot more appealing.

Or it may be that this is just how he is and you have to learn to live with it. Difficult though. YANBU.

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