By asking why MNers feel it's acceptable to often get angry with our DHs?

(72 Posts)
TheDietStartsTomorrow Thu 17-Oct-13 08:50:26

I'm a newish member so just getting used to the general norms and acceptables of MN but one thing I've noticed it that many posters write that they got angry with their DH in a particular situation, or respond by saying that if it was them in a particular situation they would be very angry/livid/mad at their DH.

It feels like it's almost a normal way of reacting to a situation, especially one where the female in the relationship feels her OH is being unreasonable with his contribution to the housework or with the DC. I find myself thinking that as many seem to express their anger as a result of seeking equality, would it would be totally unacceptable for the male in the relationship to fly off the handle in a similar situation? Or would that be deemed inappropriate?

So my question is, do you feel a woman has more of a right to lose her rag and get angry at her husband than a man does? Or when you write that you would get angry or tell him to f* off etc, it means you're also fine with your OH also reacting in a similar way?

hettienne Thu 17-Oct-13 08:51:48

I think a man has every right to get angry at his husband if he isn't doing his share of the housework and childcare too.

CbeebiesIsMyLife Thu 17-Oct-13 08:53:32

It's an argument. No one is saying it's ok to beat their partner, but perfectly acceptable to loose a temper and shout once in a while.
Also remember that it's not really 'often' a poster will say her dh has done something, then another, then another. Dh and I hardly argue at all, because he respects me and I respect him.

CbeebiesIsMyLife Thu 17-Oct-13 08:54:29

Sorry a . Should be after the word often there

I'm not sure getting angry necessarily equates to 'flying off the handle' or telling a DH to fuck off....and I think everyone, regardless of gender, is entitled to feel and express anger.

Rollermum Thu 17-Oct-13 08:56:35

I think being angry is separate from the way the anger is dealt with (telling DHs to fuck off aside).

With my DH we both try to maintain respectful and open communication so whilst I might be angry about something I generally raise it in as positive a way as possible. If I'm too angry and can't then I never go to bed on an argument.

I think that relationships are still easily unequal because of the society we live in and the hangover of the past. In my experience this means even the most feminist DH/DP night need something pointed out to them. Women are often still in a position of assuming childcare, housework etc even when they work so women may need to get angry more just to be on a level ground.

Not that it is a one way street obviously!

DavesDadsDogDiedDiabolically Thu 17-Oct-13 08:56:57

LOL, wouldn't dare call my DW a "lazy, fucking useless wanker" but a lot of people have no such qualms.

It does have the effect of immediately making me think of Jeremy Kyle for some reason & that tends to colour how I view their posts from then on....

Pagwatch Thu 17-Oct-13 09:01:12

I think you are chosing to see expressions of anger as indicative as screaming and aggression.

I get angry with my dh if he does something inconsiderate, like when he knew I was executing him home at 8.00, didn't let me know he was delayed and swanned in oblivious to the fact that I had been worried.

I was angry. I said 'that's incredibly inconsiderate of you - do you not understand how worried I was'. So we talked about it.

Is that a dreadful thing that is bothering you?

stargirl1701 Thu 17-Oct-13 09:01:33

I think you are confusing feeling angry and acting on that emotion. It is normal and healthy to feel anger. It is not ok to use that as an excuse for child like behaviour.

Pagwatch Thu 17-Oct-13 09:02:23

Hahahahaha .
No,I wasn't executing him. That would be aggressive.

expecting

Davsmum Thu 17-Oct-13 09:03:57

A woman has no more right to fly off the handle than a man does.
Its ok for anyone to feel angry but not ok for them to get abusive with each other.
I have a friend who throws things at her husband and she has hit him - she thinks its ok because she is a woman but I know for sure if he slapped her or threw something at her she would be ringing the police!
Actually - I know a few women who have admitted throwing things at their partners. I don't understand why they think its ok.

BOF Thu 17-Oct-13 09:04:34

Fancy not turning up on time to be executed! grin

OP, feelings are ok, you know.

Anger is an emotion and feeling angry is a perfectly normal thing to feel.

It's what you do with it that matters.

If you allow yourself to feel it instead of suppressing it or telling yourself you're not 'allowed' to be angry then it will go through the body naturally like any other emotion.

One of the most difficult issues we have in our society is teaching women that anger is somehow 'wrong' - it's not, it's as valid an emotion as sadness.

It's what you do with the anger that matters - beating the shit out of someone obviously not ok - having a vent on the Internet, telling your dh you feel angry - all fine

I really object to the premise of the opening post - that anger is 'wrong' for women

UriGHOULer Thu 17-Oct-13 09:09:10

It's just venting on the Internet. Those who bitch (lightheartedly or otherwise) vent to their friends then carry on their loving relationships (in the most part) with their other halves.

Some don't, some have serious problems but mainly its just venting.

Of course men do it. I've heard more bitching from men towards their absent partners than I have the other way around. But then I did work in a pub for years grin

Morloth Thu 17-Oct-13 09:11:16

I can get angry and not scream or 'lose my rag'.

As DH and I are both humans and we live together, we get angry with each other sometimes.

Execution perhaps a little extreme. I just tell mine off.

RockPaperScissorsLizardSpock Thu 17-Oct-13 09:11:17

This feels like a MWright question. < feels dirty and quivers>

But I think people over express to others on the Internet about how they would feel in the OPs situation, to get their point across but truth is, it would be more of an internal seething feeling in reality.

NotYoMomma Thu 17-Oct-13 09:11:24

depends if it justified really regardless of sex surely?

goes out on piss for 2 days when you have little funds and 2 kids = justified

not having tea on table at right time = not justified

Preciousbane Thu 17-Oct-13 09:14:37

It's a place to vent but remember that anger felt is not always shown to the person people are angry with. It's all bubbling under the surface. I am not saying that deep down we are all savages and would kick in heads if we could.

The main point is this is a good place to use as an outlet for spleen venting.

WorraLiberty Thu 17-Oct-13 09:15:07

I suppose it is a bit strange how when someone moans about their DH, they'll often be advised to "Tell him to fuck off".

Yet when someone moans that their DH has just told them to fuck off, the reply is often "That's verbal abuse. You don't need to put up with that behaviour".

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully Thu 17-Oct-13 09:20:54

Is shouting and swearing and stomping about not on then?

Oh dear

Don't tell dh

Pagwatch Thu 17-Oct-13 09:23:01

I don't swear and stomp because I'm repressed.
It's like Marge Simpson says 'take all those feelings and swallow them down and show the world your prettiest smile' or something like that.

Hullygully Thu 17-Oct-13 09:26:53

I think dh would like a bit of repression in our house

Thumbwitch Thu 17-Oct-13 09:26:57

This is a place to vent. Often people say things here that they can't say in RL. Just because they rant about their other halves here, doesn't mean they say exactly those things to their faces. Perhaps you consider that two-faced? Or is it just a safety valve, that by letting off steam here they DON'T do it in RL?

PoppyAmex Thu 17-Oct-13 09:28:36

I think Pagwatch is BU expecting her DH to comply and be punctual for a scheduled execution.

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