Not to allow DD overnight with ex con

(22 Posts)
xCupidStuntx Thu 17-Oct-13 00:11:08

Myself and my ex (both 25) broke up in the new year but we get on great. I ended the relationship and because it's my house, he had to move back in with his mam and a brother he doesn't speak to, not at all far from me and DD. He can see DD (2yrs)whenever he likes, often stays over at weekends to get up with her etc. He really is a good dad and she adores him. We are both incredibly easy going and have no set times or days and that's great for the moment but I understand it probably can't work like that forever and as he is in a low paid job I can't see him moving out. The brother that lives there is an oddball but he's not my main concern, he also has a brother who is in prison for very serious drugs charges and since going into prison about seven years ago, sounds like he's gotten far worse and more hardened than ever. His sisters and mam (who are totally respectable and non thuggy) take my DD in to visit him which makes my stomach turn but they've been doing so long that I don't know how to stop it and I get the impression my poor DD is just being brought as a talking point as they have absolutely nothing in common. The only thing I've ever said I'll never allow is for DD to stay in that house, not now or when the brother gets out which will be very soon. I've known ex since we were teenagers and I remember the trouble and raids he brought to that house and I'm not prepared to let my daughter ever stay there, even if it is to be her dads home for a long time. Am I being unreasonable?

Famzilla Thu 17-Oct-13 00:13:23

YANBU, I don't think I'd be happy in that situation.

What does your ex say about it?

xCupidStuntx Thu 17-Oct-13 00:18:50

He understands to a degree, though he thinks I'm being a bit ott (though I really can't see how, we're talking proper lowlifes here!!) I just worry when situations change, one of us moves on and access isn't as easy going, that it may cause a problem because I just cannot agree to that!

Whilst having a small child anywhere around someone who was actually on drugs, or under the influence of drugs would never be ok, it's not like this man (her uncle?) would be responsible for her, or be left alone with her is it? Her father (who you say is a good father) would be the one looking after her and presumably, if he is responsible enough now, nothing would change.
So you think this uncle might leave drugs/paraphernalia where DD could possibly get hold of it? because obviosuly that would be a major concern, or would he deal drugs/use drugs/stash drugs in the house she would be staying in? again, a legitimate concern?
It boils down to, do you trust DDs father and grandmother to loojk after her properly, and keep her safe? and would her uncle still be using/dealing drugs in/from the house?
I don't think you would be unreasonable to want answers and to talk this through calmly with DDs dad, her gran, and even with the brother (he is a person, and her uncle, not just "A Druggie JailBird" iyswim) and airing your concerns, but just because he has been in jail, and been a drug user, doesn't necessarily mean he still is, or that he would ever do anything to harm your DD. He need never ever be alone with her, or responsible for her, and there's no reason to think he would ever dream of doing anything to harm her.
You need some facts, and a straight talk with your ex and his mum I think, before you decide, and do try to keep an open mind about it all.
If brother turns out to be "bad" and still using drugs and so on then obviously, you won't want your DD anywhere near him, but while he's still locked up, and when he first comes out, give him a bit of benefit of the doubt so to speak and meet him, and see what he is like as a person - ask him straight out even - tell him you worry about your DD, and see what's what before you judge or make any decisions.

IamGluezilla Thu 17-Oct-13 00:25:01

I think OP is more worries that herdaughter might accidentally get caught in drug violence crossfire? I certainly would, a hardened drug dealer is likely to be close to very very violent people.

xCupidStuntx Thu 17-Oct-13 00:28:56

Thanks for the reply Pombear, it's not really the use of drugs as I know ex and his mother wouldn't allow that around my daughter. Ex in particular would be very careful and I know wouldn't ever leave her alone with either brother. It's what type of people his release from prison will attract to the house I'm worried about. Ex stopped speaking to him a while ago because he was talking about dealing heroin and buying guns and having them buried, I mean this is just surreal to me. It's the cretins and inevitable drama his presence will draw to the house that I'm worried about. I'm also astonished him and his family don't share my views but they've lived with this for years now.

So he is/was a dealer rather than a user? That does make a difference - also where you are can make a difference too. I live in a small town where gun violence, even among the "drug community" is practically unheard of, but if you are somewhere in a big city, of course that has to be a concern.
Maybe your ex will agree with you, and want to keep his DD far away from anything his brother does - hopefully this will include not having her to stay at the house when his brother lives there - you will only know if you talk to him though. Have you time before brother is released, to get your ex to give all this some consideration and hopefully get him to agree with you? DDs safety is paramount of course! and if he is any kind of father at all he will agree, surely?

Caitlin17 Thu 17-Oct-13 00:47:41

Have I picked this up correctly , they take her to visit in prison? why? she's not his daughter.

Re what happens after release for an offence like that he will be released on parole, any slip ups will send him back, if that's of any comfort.

Caitlin17 Thu 17-Oct-13 00:49:06

Sorry, to answer the question, you are not being unreasonable.

xCupidStuntx Thu 17-Oct-13 00:57:01

Yes we're in the suburbs of a city and when he "went down" the press had connected him to an infamous violent drugs gang here. That was when he was young but he's older and even ex said it sounds like he's in far deeper now, I wouldn't mind if he was a relatively harmless addict so much but I just can't have her around that. Ex wouldn't really argue me on it really and it's because of that I felt the need to ask am I being unreasonable because even sometimes when I know I am being (over trivial things) he can be a bit of a push over, I just feel guilty that he can't have the proper experience of having DD overnight.

xCupidStuntx Thu 17-Oct-13 01:03:35

Yeah Caitlin, they take her in, through metal detectors and sniffer dogs!! I got ex to say he didn't want her going anymore which was OK but then he got moved to a half and half kind of place that isn't so high security and they just started taking her again and it makes me feel sick, I've never even met him! I'm not usually such a push over but I've let it carry on so long I'm afraid they'll think I'm just being spiteful because I'm not with ex anymore!

ColderThanAWitchsTitty Thu 17-Oct-13 03:46:50

What if a fight broke out at the prison.? Or halfway house? I can see if it was the father taking the risk but not for the uncle.! I would not be happy with situation atall. She is a person not a talking point! Wouldn't be happy with her being around drug dealers and potentialy drugs either

FamiliesShareGerms Thu 17-Oct-13 04:14:09

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to be reluctant to let your DD stay overnight at a house where a drug dealer is living.

I do think you should put your foot down about the prison visits. Even if it was her father in there, I think 2 is far too young to be exposed to that sort of environment.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 17-Oct-13 04:14:24

Cupid, now that your daughter is two I think you can use her age as an excuse to stop the prison visits - i.e., "DD is getting old enough to understand what she's seeing now, and to talk about it to others, so I'm no longer comfortable with her being in a prison". Would you feel comfortable with that?

BramshawHill Thu 17-Oct-13 06:29:10

Use her age as an excuse for no longer visiting prison, tell them she's started mentioning being scared of the sniffer dogs or something. I would NOT be happy about that! And I wouldn't risk your daughter being asleep in the house when a raid happens, which is very likely if her uncle is still involved in the drug dealing scene. Imagine how terrified she'd be.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 17-Oct-13 07:24:54

You need to sit him down and formalise the assess arrangements pronto, and include no prison visits. Completely bonkers.

xCupidStuntx Thu 17-Oct-13 07:55:53

Oh I'm so glad to read all your replies!!
Definitely going to knock prison visits on the head now (jeez I can't even believe I let them carry on it was always just done so sneakily!!) and will definitely stick to my guns about not sleeping over in the house. I'd have no problem if he got a place of his own or if/when he sets up home with someone but I just can't have that I'd be worried sick!!

Thanks so much everyone!!

WaitMonkey Thu 17-Oct-13 07:58:25

The no prison thing, because of her age is a brilliant idea. Because it's true, very soon she is going to start asking. You ex and his mum seen very reasonable people, talk to them.

WaitMonkey Thu 17-Oct-13 07:58:55

Good luck.

Beastofburden Thu 17-Oct-13 08:18:44

Turn it round a bit. When the brother gets out, there is going to be less room in the grandmas house, and, as you say, lots of visitors, some of them dodgy quite likely. So I would say to your ex that you will keep a bedroom nice for him so he can stay over with DD if he wants to, and have some more private daddy space at your house. Even maybe agree that when he has access, you will go and stay with your mum for a night and let him have your place overnight? Say straight out that its because you don't want her near his brother but you don't want to make it hard for him to enjoy his daughter.

On prison, just say she's getting older, it's not suitable, sorry. Arrange something else that her granny can take her on a regular day out, sheesh, there are nicer activities.....

xCupidStuntx Thu 17-Oct-13 10:32:38

Just spoke to him briefly before work, I just said look would you mind telling your mam and sister that we'd like visits knocked on the head now, she's getting older and I'm really uncomfortable with it. He said no problem, he'll let them know, I kind of knew it wouldn't be a problem with him, I just hope his mam and sister understand.

As for staying over, I won't bring that up again because he knows it not going to happen and he's OK with it but I do like the suggestions of leaving them alone here so his time with her is one on one as apposed to me flapping around them, I couldn't stand that if I were him no matter how well we get on!!

Thanks a million everyone, lovely introduction to MN!!

ColderThanAWitchsTitty Thu 17-Oct-13 13:49:40

A 7 year old girl was shot during a poilce raid in Detroit (it's been all over the news this year due to the trial) I realise that being shot is unlikely in the UK but tbh a raid in itself could be fucking dangerous anyway. If you ex starts to waiver maybe show him the story . It sounds like he is pretty sensible though so hopefully you will have no further issues, and don't ever feel unreasonable you are completely in the right!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Aiyana_Jones

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