Husband has job offer in Dubai- I'm not keen

(97 Posts)
amhurst Tue 15-Oct-13 13:30:43

Just trying to work out which of us is BU? Is he selfish or am I? I'm 5mnths pregnant with little boy of 4 and just don't want to take on everything move wld entail. Don't live in home country but Dubai wld be even further away from elderly parents etc...It's v hard to be the one saying no to new opportunities but nothing about being in the searing heat of Dubai currently appeals..but am I being unreasonable putting the kibosh on this? Any experience similar to this out there? Many thanks!

Zipadeedoodah Tue 15-Oct-13 19:53:28

Ok, if you drink without a licence , and you get attacked, and you have been drinking, this will be a problem . It's harsh and there have been some hearbreaking cases but, it is illegal to drink anywhere, including licensed hotels, if you are a resident , unless you have a licence. If something happens when you are drunk and you don't have a licence it can be very very harsh. I don't know what else to say on this except to say the local people are lovely, gracious, hospitable and welcoming. However, if you want to drink alcohol and stay safe, just get a licence, it's not difficult and if you work for a decent company, one of their people will do,it for you. It's a stamp from the police station and the amount you buy is calculated by salary .

Sorry, no advice as I know very little about Dubai
Just one question, if your DH turns the offer down, can my DH go instead?? (without me obviously!!)

complexnumber Tue 15-Oct-13 19:54:07

Surely you discussed some of this before he applied for a job?

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel Tue 15-Oct-13 19:54:53

One of my friends is an expat in Abu Dhabi. Her husband works for an oil company and they are very well off. They have an excellent lifestyle and live in a gated community. The chances of her being raped are almost nil, she would never be in a position for this to happen. She has lots of european friends and lives the life of riley. Their dd goes to a private school full of english expat kids.They go to europe in the summer as its too hot.
My friend has no intention of coming back, she loves it

tumbletumble Tue 15-Oct-13 19:57:40

DH has been offered a job in Oman and I'm not keen. I'm just really happy here in the UK and hate the idea of uprooting the DC (and myself!). Luckily DH isn't that keen either so it isn't causing problems for us.

However a friend of mine went to Hong Kong with her DH and 2 young DC, stayed for 3 years, then came back to the same house, got places for the DC in the same school but had saved enough to put in a new kitchen. So it works for some people!

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 15-Oct-13 19:57:48

I hated Dubai, I was so aware that I was a second class citizen there. Look into the details OP, maybe it's a set-up like HardFaceds friend has, but I don't think any amount of money would tempt me to even visit again, let alone live there.

Smoorikins Tue 15-Oct-13 20:05:25

I'd delighted your friend loves her life so much, thats great. I am a bit perplexed by the notion that because she is in a gated community her chances of being raped are lessened. I am pretty sure that rapists come in all shapes, sizes, income brackets and career paths. But thats by the by.

I wouldn't tell anyone else not to go to Dubai. I personally wouldn't go. And I do think that if a woman does choose to go, she needs to be aware that her rights are somewhat different to here. It's not like Taliban territory, don't get me wrong. But women are not treated equally.

itchychin Tue 15-Oct-13 20:47:58

I lived there. Still have friends who live there and they seem to still enjoy it (with kids). Agree you need to look at the package and what is included. I found the weather too hot from April to September and it partially lead to my divorce (Dubai not the weather grin). I know many couples from dubai who have separated - a much higher % than in the UK.

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel Wed 16-Oct-13 00:21:36

Smoorikins, how long did you live in the UAE ?

BlingBang Wed 16-Oct-13 00:34:29

Try posting on Living Overseas or a Dubai Expat board to find out what it's really like.

Tiptops Wed 16-Oct-13 00:57:59

Have you ever visited Dubai OP? I think before any heated debates take place you need to have visited the place yourself, and you definitely need to know what the terms/ benefits are with your DH's job.

You can negotiate for flights to visit family to be included in that package, so that may be something to consider, especially if you're already living quite far from family presumable without a perk like that. I can totally understand wanting to be near to elderly parents, but it's worth considering if you'd be able to make more visits if the flights were provided for you.

I haven't lived in Dubai but my partner has previously for a couple of years. He loved it but again, I think you really need to visit yourself to get a measure of the place. We can all tell you it's wonderful/ horrible but what you make of it is all that really counts.

GilmoursPillow Wed 16-Oct-13 02:16:06

I've been living in the UAE for years and lived in Oman before that.

Before making a decision, do your research VERY carefully with regards to what the company is offering.

Finding places in schools can be a nightmare, with many of the decent ones having waiting lists. You'll need to figure out if you can find a place in a school that isn't the other end of the city to your DH's work (although it's better he does the commute than you do). Will the company pay schooling? Will they pay housing, and if so, how much? Will they give you the housing allowance up front? Many landlords want a full year's rent up front. Utilities can be very expensive, especially in summer months - up to £500 a MONTH for water and electricity, plus 5% of your rent as 'housing fee' on top of your utility bill. Will they pay for your flights home every year? Medical insurance? Will they pay to move your furniture?
Not everyone in Dubai/UAE is on the expat packages of old - in fact these are quite rare now.
Set-up costs are huge and many people find they don't save a penny in the first year (or more).
I second another poster's advice to look at expatwoman.com, there's a lot of useful advice on there. Join the website then you can ask your specific questions.

Theodorakiss Wed 16-Oct-13 04:53:05

Has has at the comments. Usual sad little googles.
Don't go, if you are the kind of person who doesn't know this is a Grady thread, you are not bright enough to leave the safety of your little suburban British bubble.

Theodorakiss Wed 16-Oct-13 04:57:10

Goady obviously.
These threads make me so fucking angry.

Lavenderhoney Wed 16-Oct-13 05:19:39

Find out the package and benefits before making a decision. Don't forget if you have your baby there, unless he negotiates with his company, it won't be covered by medical insurance, which could wipe out any saving.

If you have your baby in the UK, will you have somewhere to go, and manage with a 4 yr old out of school alone? Will your dh get the time off work? And then you would wait in the UK for baby passport, just in time to fly back for summer, from April its too hot to play outside. Most expats I know, if the dw is not working, leave end June after school finishes and return end August. You should budget somewhere to go every year, unless you stay and go to softplay ( deserted as people leave ) every single day.

Who will let you live with them in comfort with 2 children for 2 months and not drive you/ them mad? Or will you keep your UK house empty and just for your trips home? How does that impact financials?

It might be worth your dh going out, taking a serviced apartment and you staying til next September in the UK, then move out.

Set up costs are very high. Post his package on expat woman, here, or expat forum ( not so heavily moderated as expat woman) and see what people suggest.

Be careful with loans. Your dh company could loan you the money up front for accommadtion, and take it off his salary every month. For cars, you take a loan. You need a good car each. Make sure if he doesn't make his probation you get your money back on the car. Companies notify banks when last salary payment is made, and accounts are frozen to check all loans are paid. They can put a stop on your dh passport at the airport!

desertgirl Wed 16-Oct-13 06:27:55

I'm a single mother, have lived in Dubai for 12 years, and am very happy there.

The UK press is inclined to give half the story in respect of a lot of things - eg the recent case of the rape victim - but it is true that there are circumstances in which it is not wise to be; if you are drunk and go back to someone's hotel room, don't then go to the police about being raped even if you are. Rather like the UK 20 years ago.... Which for the age of the country is understandable. There are convictions for rape, but the country is on the whole very safe and it isn't particularly likely to happen.

There are still companies who treat labourers abysmally, both here as employers and in their home countries as 'agents'. There are laws in place prohibiting many of the abuses here, like passport retention, but it's a work in progress. There are also people who treat their house maids badly; they are in the main not 'Western' and aren't going to change because of people sitting in the UK moaning about them - where I have seen change in an individual family it was because of the market changing as a result of Western families being prepared to offer better pay and conditions. You don't have to come over and be part of the lowest common denominator..... and cultural change, the only change likely to be effective, doesn't take 5 minutes.

And I was away for 2 weeks this summer, you don't have to leave for 2 months; it's hot, there are swimming pools and plenty to do indoors if you look for it. Keep camping for the winter though!

Longdistance Wed 16-Oct-13 06:51:30

I've just moved back to the Uk after being in Oz 2 years. I hated it there, and was reluctant like yourself op.

I had some miserable times there, but was a sahm, my youngest was 3mo at the time, so i struggled on. I got out, joined groups, but felt I didn't fit in. I had homesickness almost constantly. We'd been to Oz as dh has family out there, so I knew it wasn't for me. But, my dh pressurized me into the move, and this in itself made for an uncomfortable time.

If you're not sure don't go.

I for one am pleased to be back in Old Blighty.

BrianButterfield Wed 16-Oct-13 06:57:16

Personally I wouldn't go, and I also wouldn't get too hung up on a "job offer" - DH could walk into a job over there any day he wanted, so could I probably, and I know lots of people who have got jobs over there or been offered them. So it's probably not a super rare opportunity.

TEErickOrTEEreat Wed 16-Oct-13 07:16:46

Very interesting thread.

I would like Theo to expand in her vitriol, though. Seems to be a fairly balanced view on here.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Wed 16-Oct-13 07:27:59

http://ominousdubai.blogspot.co.uk/2009/06/burned-in-dubai.html is an account by someone I know.

He got off lightly.

mummytime Wed 16-Oct-13 07:37:29

I told my DH very early on that there were certain countries I was not willing to move to. If he got a life changing money offer, he could go but would have to support two homes. Dubai is one of them I am afraid.

It may not be totally rational, but it is my decision. (And I know it is far better than some other countries on my list eg. Benin).

Smoorikins Wed 16-Oct-13 07:38:00

I have never claimed to live there. How long have you lived there hardfacedcareeristbitch?

I have a friend who's husband has done a lot of business out there, and wouldn't consider moving his family out there despite more than one very good job offer, in no small part because of the way he saw women being treated.

nkf Wed 16-Oct-13 07:50:06

It doesn't appeal to.me. I would consider it if it was time limited and the salary was enough to make a big difference. Clearing the mortgage difference.

amhurst Wed 16-Oct-13 07:54:43

Thanks again to all..as some have said there is many elements involved for anybody/ family considering a move like this..the pros and cons of destination itself and how best to weigh up upheaval to family as compared to career improvement of the 'breadwinner' - in this case the husband..and it's not about staying safe etc (not relevant in my case as am already outside home country, have lived many different places etc) it's about how many lives does a move like this disrupt and who is it benefitting really in the end...which is better having grandparents/ normality nearby (and a possibly thwarted, disappointed husband) or swimming pools..?? Who's asking too much of whom?

Like some above managed, I hope we come to the 'same' conclusion eventually - which perhaps unreasonably also happens to be my conclusion that it's the wrong thing for us now...I had thought he wld have by now to tell the truth but no..which might force me soon to move this question to the relationships forum ;)

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel Wed 16-Oct-13 08:29:46

Well, smoorikins, you were posting as if you were some sort of expert. Which obviously you aren't. So i will take your opinion with a pinch of salt and go with that of my friend who says she has never felt safer in her life

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