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AIBU?

Husband has job offer in Dubai- I'm not keen

96 replies

amhurst · 15/10/2013 13:30

Just trying to work out which of us is BU? Is he selfish or am I? I'm 5mnths pregnant with little boy of 4 and just don't want to take on everything move wld entail. Don't live in home country but Dubai wld be even further away from elderly parents etc...It's v hard to be the one saying no to new opportunities but nothing about being in the searing heat of Dubai currently appeals..but am I being unreasonable putting the kibosh on this? Any experience similar to this out there? Many thanks!

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specialsubject · 15/10/2013 13:33

how long would you be there? Would he make enough money that it would be worthwhile being stuck there?

marriage is a team effort, you discuss. No reason to go to Dubai except for LOTS of money.

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amhurst · 15/10/2013 13:39

We haven't got done to the nitty gritty money wise ( I agree if it were a life changing money question it wld be of course harder to turn down). I am trying to keep it in discussion rather than fight bracket as I don't want it to turn in to a case of my 'winning' argument etc...am hoping it all goes away actually..

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Smoorikins · 15/10/2013 13:42

There is no way on this earth I would move to Dubai. And if you do go there, and get raped, DO NOT report it, otherwise you could find yourself in jail.

Could he go and work there for a while, while you stay home?

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quoteunquote · 15/10/2013 13:45

Under no circumstances could I ever be persuaded to set foot in the place. But I'm female so it would be a really bad idea.

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Lonecatwithkitten · 15/10/2013 13:46

A friend went when her DS1 was very small she said the first year with him was much easier than her first year in UK with DS2. Simple reason -STAFF.

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PrimalLass · 15/10/2013 13:46

I wouldn't. My mum thought she was moving to the Middle East on a 3-year contract and they ended up there for 15 years. It ended her marriage.

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Mumsyblouse · 15/10/2013 14:06

I have a friend who has lived out there for many years- her own life is nice but restricted, so they have a maid/home help, a pool and a nice lifestyle, but there are few opportunities for her to make her own life, restrictions on her public behaviour and that's without going into the poverty/oppression of women/groups in the Gulf states. I wouldn't want to live there, no.

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marzipanned · 15/10/2013 15:09

DH and I discussed this a while back, we didn't have kids/weren't planning on them in the near future so very different place in life to you.

Wrt to the heat, (as that's the main concern you mention) the way we thought about it was - in the UK we have a few tough months weather wise (November - February) when we don't get to go out a lot, over there the tough months are in the summer.

Wrt to the other issues - it really depends on you. I know some women who love the lifestyle there. It wouldn't have suited me - but I'm not a big drinker/shopper/tennis player/luncher which seems to be what a lot of married women who go there wind up doing.

However, it's not the case that you can't make your own life if you don't want; I know women there who work in teaching, journalism, finance... in fact have one female friend whose job took her there and her DH had to follow.

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SunshineandShandy · 15/10/2013 16:53

Have a look at expatwoman forum. Much less hatred for Dubai than on MN.

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nicename · 15/10/2013 16:59

See what's on the table.

It wouldn't be for me but I have a friend who moved out there (they have family there so know the place well).

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ThePearShapedToad · 15/10/2013 17:05

I lived in Dubai for a few years and I loved it. The Middle East is very child friendly, a courteous attitude still exists ( holding open doors, women being given a seat) - some say it's sexist but I found it polite

smoorikins I found your comment a little silly. No-one chooses to get raped and Dubai is no worse for that kind of crime than any other city. In actual fact, I have found it one of the safest cities I have ever lived in. I could walk down the Main Street at 3am with a phone and bag and never once felt threatened or uneasy by anyone.
Yes, you will be restricted by how much / where you can work, as to start with you'll be there on your husbands visa. But the expat community are a friendly bunch, the locals are very welcoming and it's a busy fun fast paced city.

If I had the opportunity to go back I would

Feel free to pm me if you need anything else

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RedRoses · 15/10/2013 17:08

Gosh how exciting. You will have loads of help and can negotiate return trips into a package.

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thebody · 15/10/2013 17:14

it totally depends upon your individual situation.

my dh got a job out there and we stayed for a while, it was ok and the heat is manageable as everywhere is air conditioned.

in the end we didn't move there as our oldest ds was 17 and wanted to stay here. we could afford to turn it down.

you would be fine as a woman living off your dh earnings with young children. presumably you arnt out in the lash or otherwise annoying the authorities.

it's tax free and could pay your mortgage so you have to consider that too.

there are for sure moral questions about Dubai. many posters would say they wouldn't go due to the sexist/ nasty regime there and that's a choice you have to make.


rambling on here, don't turn down because if the heat as that's fine, your parents are another problem. your call.
.

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Calloh · 15/10/2013 17:22

We had a similar situation but with Saudi. It was a great opportunity on many fronts and a killer package, life in the compound would have been ok but maybe claustrophobic.

I didn't want to be the brakes (I was pregnant too) and part of me wanted an adventure (although probably not Saudi) then we worked out nitty gritty of life stuff - particularly the commute, career progression and a few other things and it seemed a little less appealing.

We seem to be perennially broke but not for a second do either of us regret our choice or the resulting mega-bucks that could have been ours.

Sometimes it's good to be the one who thinks it might not be the best idea and that doesn't mean you are asking for someone to give up something or being boring or anything, I think if you don't really see the appeal then don't do it.

But a previous poster was right - the ex-pat forums may be helpful.

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thebody · 15/10/2013 17:23

just to agree with Toad, I felt safer in Dubai with my children than in London but it has to be said it was a courtesy given to a married woman and a mother.

sure there are double standards out there but its a Muslim country! you pay your money and you make your choice. .

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Bearbehind · 15/10/2013 18:25

It's not really possible to enter any kind of serious discussion on the subject until you have got the details of your husbands job offer including benefits.

I have seriously considered living there but, financially it doesn't work for us.

Yes, it's tax free but things like rent, service charges, utilities, cars, groceries etc are very expensive.

All schools are fee paying and none are cheap.

If you are pregnant you will need medical insurance which will cover the birth.

Also, something I didn't know until recently is that you often have to pay a years rent in advance. You can get a loan over there for it but if your DH looses his job and can't pay the loan that can have very serious repercussions.

I think in years gone by expats in Dubai have had fabulous packages that not only included a generous salary but also accommodation, schooling, healthcare etc, but now that is the exception rather than the rule.

Until your DH's package is on the table, it isn't really a decision you can seriously contemplate.

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Hissy · 15/10/2013 18:49

The middle east is child friendly? Erm what? Since when?

Egypt is a shit hole for kids! Everything's dangerous, rusty, i'll maintained, no pavements, driving is so inept as to be a complete joke, and kids are mainly dragged around all night because the parents are out, and only when they're big enough to run errands for their parents are they of any use.

Maybe other countries are different, but morocco's the same.

The only people these places are 'good' for is men with a bit of money and a blue tablet.

Pathetic doesn't begin to cover it.

But then again I wasn't in an expat compound, behind walls with armed guards perhaps it's a different story.

OP, before you even consider this, see what the support is like for thé trailing spouse. Are there welcome meetings, are there functions that include families, are there opportunities for you to have a good amount of family time.

If you're unlucky like MANY who do go out there, you could end up in the loneliest place on earth with a H that's flogging his guts out all hours and partying after work too.

If it works well, it could be the making of your family, if not, it could sink your marriage.

Be very aware of the stakes here. Look at your career prospects too longterm.

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amhurst · 15/10/2013 19:26

Thanks so much for your replies - it's really helpful to hear other experiences and thoughts..pregnancy hormones accepted i have found all the discussion very heavy...as I said really don't want this to end up in pointlessly entrenched 'for and against' camps between my dh and I...if it were a case of having to go due to redundancy or whatever of course i'd step up etc..Maybe the final figures will do the job for us..

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Zipadeedoodah · 15/10/2013 19:30

We lived in UAE for nearly five years and it was great, very child friendly and I was able to get loads of help...you don't even fill your own car with petrol! However, it can be quiet a lonely , transient existence with friends coming and going although you can save a little more than here if you are careful. Just would make sure that any package covers schooling for the future and accomodation plus bills as these can be killers. It's a very, very different environment to UK and sometimes you must have to suck it up,and not argue....and that took some getting used to.

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FesterAddams · 15/10/2013 19:35

Also, something I didn't know until recently is that you often have to pay a years rent in advance. You can get a loan over there for it but if your DH looses his job and can't pay the loan that can have very serious repercussions.

Yes, this. I don't have any personal experience but having read someone else's at b3ta.com/questions/theboss/post460435 some years ago I would be very wary.

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Artandco · 15/10/2013 19:38

Hissy- Eygpt and morrocco are nothing like Dubai.

Op-Personally I would consider it. Dubai is very child friendly IMO. They are well liked by all and always welcome anywhere you go at anytime of day. Children joining you for dinner at 11pm is seen as the norm. If you get education covered in expat package the schooling is excellent and there are great opportunities for children there.

As someone said above, in the uk we have horrid winters, in Dubai the summers can be horrid. You aim to fly in holiday/ to relatives during August, or get a place with pool and join Atlantis on the palm as annual members

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Pimpf · 15/10/2013 19:47

I think you have to take into account the package being offered and you need to discuss it

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Smoorikins · 15/10/2013 19:48

ThePearShapedToad - silly? really?

I in no way implied that she would choose to get raped, that comment is truly silly. And I didn't comment on the crime rate either.

But Rape does happen in Dubai (as it does here). The difference is, here the victim is not regarded as a criminal.

You might think that a 'silly' comment. But I regard the blatant disregard for human rights as anything but.

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Zipadeedoodah · 15/10/2013 19:53

Ok, if you drink without a licence , and you get attacked, and you have been drinking, this will be a problem . It's harsh and there have been some hearbreaking cases but, it is illegal to drink anywhere, including licensed hotels, if you are a resident , unless you have a licence. If something happens when you are drunk and you don't have a licence it can be very very harsh. I don't know what else to say on this except to say the local people are lovely, gracious, hospitable and welcoming. However, if you want to drink alcohol and stay safe, just get a licence, it's not difficult and if you work for a decent company, one of their people will do,it for you. It's a stamp from the police station and the amount you buy is calculated by salary .

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