I have been accused of being a pushy mum, am I?

(30 Posts)
moldingsunbeams Mon 14-Oct-13 12:27:15

DD who is almost 11 goes to a University funded group twice a month for 2 hours each time, during that time they have fun, have food but also in a fun way help develop activities and exhibitions to be used for members of the public and their children, they get to go behind the scenes at the place, go on trips and work with the "bosses". Its all fun and games, there is an older group for older teens where it becomes slightly more serious but still fun and they begin to learn about jobs and roles and such as well as doing what the younger group do.

DD chose to go to this group. It is her area of interest and she currently loves it.

DD has sen, she is mentally bright but struggles on paper, I mentioned to a friend that I would encourage dd to go still when she is older and hits the teen stage and its not considered cool because she gets a lot from it and I feel it would also greatly help her get into her area of interest when she is older if she is still interested and slightly lacking on the academic side and also look good if she chose a completely different area that she had given up her time (the university said so)

Above all it is four hours a month where she meets new people, gains new skills, gains confidence and has fun.

My friend has accused me of pushing my dd into a career at almost 11.
Thats not the case, I am fully aware that she may want to be something completely different but the skills she is learning can be transfered to anything.

What annoys me most is my friends dd has been doing dance since the age of 3 and friend is always going on about shows and full time dance schools and her dd wanting to be in the west end as an adult so organising for her to go to workshops and summer schools and such.

Surely she is doing no different?

StanleyLambchop Mon 14-Oct-13 16:16:41

maintenance club at school, where they work with the janitor and wear boiler suits.

This sounds like the most awesome club ever!

mrsjay Mon 14-Oct-13 14:38:32

op your dd may wel go to uni I know this isn't a university thing and I know she has Sn but never say never dd has Ld and she is thinking about university and her school is great she wont be leaving school for another year but she isn't writing it off loads of support in place in universities now,

moldingsunbeams Mon 14-Oct-13 14:23:07

Misscph my dd would love maintenance club and wearing a boiler suit!

This particular one is university funded but from what they have said a lot of Museums do a similar Youth panel and activities.

Basically its a bit like school council but fun. They get to help design exhibitions. They help chose a theme and activity for family days and make examples of what the visiting children will then copy.

They get to go behind the scenes and learn new things and do activities. They also get to give their views on exhibitions and help make changes to make them better and produce things to help visitors enjoy the exhibitions better.

In the older group they are given tour of certain area's and learn about stuff by professors from the academic department as well as the fun stuff dds group do.

DD goes because its fun, because they get take away delivered in for tea and because they get to go through the no entry staff only doors hmm grin

ashleysilver Mon 14-Oct-13 14:17:03

Pot, kettle and black spring to mind. Ignore this woman.

"Its not like dd is likely to uni anyway." Well it is also unlikely that her dd will go to full time dance school or dance in the West End as an adult.

Your dd is doing an activity she enjoys and benefits from. You can imagine her continuing with it when she is older. Sounds good to me.

Your friend sounds pretty dim, and pretty dismissive of your dd's abilities. OK so not everyone is going to go to uni - that doesn't mean they can't do well and achieve their potential. Maybe its more important for your dd than it would be for others - if writing is always going to be a struggle, then showing that she has put time and effort and commitment into something will be good when she goes to college or into a job or whatever.

I guess this friend will have less influence once dd goes to secondary anyway, so maybe no need to worry about it, but I'd certainly encourage friendships with others who have a broader outlook.

I did similar things from that age and loved it. I ended up on my local youth council at 16 and was practically running it (and getting no credit as it was a sham run by two wannabe councillors who wanted to use funds for personal gain) but we managed some good things locally in my time there which gave them the platform they needed to become even bigger dickheads than they were councillors.

moldingsunbeams Mon 14-Oct-13 13:58:24

I think its probably a mix of C and D.

I think she cannot understand why something considered academic even though its a children's fun group and not work could be fun.
I think she thinks because of above I am making dd go because how can it be fun and dd want to go.
I think she thinks dd should be doing "normal girls stuff" or she is missing out.

A small part of me also gets the impression that she thinks we are wasting our time because "Its not like dd is likely to uni anyway" hmm

Maybe dd won't go to uni, maybe she will but in the meantime she is getting confidence and enjoyment out of something she loves that may down the line show she has given up her time and learnt new skills that could help in the workplace.

I think your last post says it really. Her little 'star' is being eclipsed by your daughter doing well at something. Sorry but maybe your daughter was picked out as a suitable friend for her daughter because she wasn't going to be 'competition'.

If she spouts this every time you see her, then see her a lot less.

misscph1973 Mon 14-Oct-13 13:52:31

I'd love my DD to do a club like the one you describe! How did you find it and will you tell me more about it?

A bit OT, but I think it's great to encourage girls to do things that are not "girly" and clique-creating (and by that I mean dance clubs, ballet and similar, sorry if I offend anyone), and I have always been very aware of encouraging my DD to do things that are either gender neutral or for boys. She is currently in gym club (both girls and boys) and maintenance club at school, where they work with the janitor and wear boiler suits. Last years she was in the schools Rangers club.

To a certain extent I do push her toward these activities, but I would never force her, she loves these clubs. I just steer her away from dance/ballet clubs, she's not very graceful anyway ;)

I think some people feel threatened if you enjoy academic activities. Some people think that leisure time has to be un-academic. Leisure time should be enjoyable, and there are many ways to enjoy yourself.

Your friend is being an idiot, plain and simple. It is not remotely 'pushy' to have half an eye on something being useful to your daughter in the future, as well as enjoyable now.

Your friend is -

a. one of those self-centred people who doesn't actually see that she is being a hypocrite - her own daughter's interests are of course totally different in her mind

b. a bit insecure - you're doing something far more likely to be useful than dance classes and she wants you to feel bad because you're making her feel guilty

c. doesn't think anything academic could ever be enjoyable

d. maybe a bit patronising because your daughter is not interested in the same things as her daughter, which would be 'normal' and 'understandable' to her

Don't sweat it.

mrsjay Mon 14-Oct-13 13:50:53

that group sounds great it honestly does I am glad your dd is getting so much out of it ignore your friend she sounds a bit of a twat bet her children go to things

moldingsunbeams Mon 14-Oct-13 13:49:24

Thank you, I guess I have Coffee but she brings it up everytime we see her when she knows dd has been (dd usually shows her dd what she has done) so I doubted myself.

Its the first time dd has "fit in" anywhere, its doesn't matter there whether she has sen, whether her writing and spelling is crap, there are younger children in group so she doesn't stand out so much and they are interested in same things as her. Shes never had that before and its giving her loads of confidence.

I do wonder if she is a little bit jealous, her dd has always done better than mine, always been the child with the medal and trophy, always been better than mine when mine did dance and gymnastics and such, always got the fuss, always been the best and now my dd is bringing home stuff her dd has not done it doesn't seem to be going down well.

Time to find new friends I guess.

ChipAndSpud Mon 14-Oct-13 13:44:19

The main thing is that your DD is enjoying herself and if she's learning and gaining confidence then great! If she didn't enjoy it and you made her go, then you'd be pushy!!

thebody Mon 14-Oct-13 13:42:15

your friend is a dick head. my kids have been to after school and weekend activities in footi, art, swimming, brownies, woodland rangers, gardening ICT club and music lessons.

as long as they are having fun it's noones business but yours.

DoJo Mon 14-Oct-13 13:41:19

Precisely - so why are you worried about what she says? Either she doesn't understand the situation or is projecting her insecurities about her own choices, but either way this is a situation which hasn't even happened yet so definitely not worth worrying about.

jedishelly1 Mon 14-Oct-13 13:38:38

You're not coming across as overly pushy. There's nothing wrong with supporting and encouraging your daughter in this interest of hers, once you have no problem in accepting it if she chooses not to pursue it when she's older.
Your friend sounds like a bit of a gobshite.

kerala Mon 14-Oct-13 13:37:06

You sound like a fabulous mum!

shewhowines Mon 14-Oct-13 13:36:34

Friend has double standards, me thinks. Ignore

CoffeeTea103 Mon 14-Oct-13 13:34:34

You have answered your own post. Surely you can see that?

StanleyLambchop Mon 14-Oct-13 13:28:48

I don't think you are being pushy, it is fun and she enjoys it, and gets the advantage of the social side too. What's the problem with that? It sounds like the kind of thing my 11 year old would enjoy too. In the circumstances you describe I would also encourage mine to keep going if that is what she wanted- who gets to define what 'cool' is? Let her continue to enjoy it, ignore your friend!

fuzzpig Mon 14-Oct-13 13:24:58

I did write a long post earlier but it disappeared angry

In short, no YANBU, it sounds like great fun and I would've loved that kind of thing. I think some people don't 'get' that people can enjoy academic stuff (which your DD's activity sounds like due to it being in a uni) just as much as any other activity (like dancing) and don't understand why people would actively choose to spend spare time doing it. Hence they assume somebody must be pushing them.

moldingsunbeams Mon 14-Oct-13 13:09:16

DoJo She said I would be unfair to encourage dd to carry on if she wanted to stop as a teen, my comment was if she was not enjoying it anymore that would be different to simply wanting to stop because it was not considered cool or because she wanted to spend the time with her mates given it is only 2 - 4 hours a month and might help her in some way when she is older.

Her focus was on the planning things that might help when she is older bit so I started to doubt myself.

I think friends issue is it is not the usual thing a girl and a girl dds age would pick and she seems to have issue with it being University based.
But the sessions are not academic or ability based at all and you are not chosen for them based on ability just interest.

DD loves it and enjoys it being in a university, she is a child who struggles like hell and has never been picked at schools for anything as she struggles in work and is rubbish at sport , she never gets star of the week as its merit based and merits are academically rewarded so this is her special things which makes her feel important and special.

She has featured in a couple of things in the university because of it and that makes her feel proud, they are massively supportive of her sen and make a big deal on how well she has done when she does have to do writing or such in an area she struggles with.

DoJo Mon 14-Oct-13 12:53:42

You know you aren't a pushy mum, so why do you care that she might think you are?

ohforfoxsake Mon 14-Oct-13 12:43:24

Your friend is an idiot.

FlapJackOLantern Mon 14-Oct-13 12:43:15

My friend has accused me of pushing my dd into a career at almost 11.

Just shrug and say 'whatever'. There's no point in getting het up about it.

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