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To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

(362 Posts)

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

pianodoodle Mon 14-Oct-13 11:49:27

He needs to change the cut of his jib smile

Lweji Mon 14-Oct-13 11:50:18

Oh, and slightly pissed off is not enough.
You should be furious.

BurberryQ Mon 14-Oct-13 11:51:53

lots of men do not get home til 7pm , it is normal, it does not preclude them from e.g. doing the washing up, doing bedtime routine, whatever.
seems like you married a lazy entitled azz

motherinferior Mon 14-Oct-13 11:52:11

Irrelevant whether it was the deal pre-kids or not, I think, in any case.

Boosterseattheballcleaner Mon 14-Oct-13 11:52:16

He needs to change the cut of his jib

I haven't heard that in such a long time, i have to use it today!

<off to find someone who needs their jib adjusting>

Awomansworth Mon 14-Oct-13 11:54:09

YANBU. Did he pat you on the head and call you dear whilst saying it!

When he clocks off, you do too then. Anything in the house that needs doing after, you'll both have to toss a coin.

hopefully he'll get the message.

Squitten Mon 14-Oct-13 11:55:53

I'm more confused as to why your response to such a piggish statement was to post here rather than, say, burying your DH under your patio?

YANBU! If you are going to go back to work, he needs to be told in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that his contribution at home will be increasing. No point being martyrish about it or tiptoeing around it and hoping he figures it out on his own.

He's made his position very clear - time to educate him differently.

Well I suppose it seemed a fair deal until now, in fact I think I probably got the better deal. I'd much rather be home with ds than working 12 hour days. Otoh dh wouldn't have wanted to stop home with ds, he is very focused on his career.

It seemed a bit much to expect someone who'd been at work for hours to then come home and do very much when the other had been home all day.

But if we are both working I do not think the responsibility should be mine alone.

cardamomginger Mon 14-Oct-13 11:58:41

Oh dear. YANBU. Out at 7.45 isn't really that early. And back at 7.00 isn't really that late.

TEErickOrTEEreat Mon 14-Oct-13 11:59:29

I'm home all day (although I freelance) and some days my husband leaves at 730a and gets home at 8p.

He has a bite to eat and then does things, such as put in a load of wash or finish tidying the kitchen if I haven't gotten to it yet.

You know why? Because he lives here too and I'm not his mother or his maid.

Topseyt Mon 14-Oct-13 12:02:10

I would have been more than slightly pissed off.

If you get a job then he has to share much more of the housework and childcare. Your son is also his son, and he shares the house, so he must help out.

To be honest, he should be prepared to help you out where he can anyway, as otherwise you will never get a break from childcare.

cardamomginger Mon 14-Oct-13 12:04:23

Your mistake is in thinking that just because you are at home all day, it means that you aren't busy and doing work for much of that time. Childcare, cooking, cleaning, shopping, other household chores. You have BOTH been busy all day - you and DH. You have just been busy doing different things. So the argument that it's a bit much to expect him to do household chores when he's been busy all day kind of falls flat on its face.

If you have been sitting on your bum all day reading Woman's Weekly and stuffing your face with marshmallows, whilst poor hard-working DH has been slaving away for hours, then it might be a bit different. But you haven't. So it's not.

I'm also pretty up in arms for you about the fact that he seems to have so much more free time for R&R than you do. He gets a whole day off a week to play golf. What do you get?

AnyFucker Mon 14-Oct-13 12:05:28

only slightly pissed off ?

I would go nuclear

Not much a partnership you have there is it ? He sees you as an extension of the washing machine, obviously

Does this mean you can never go back to work, because he will never do his fair share of the shit work ?

That's you in a very dangerous position, because you will get tired of this 1950's attitude eventually and you won't have the means to support yourself so you can leave.

expatinscotland Mon 14-Oct-13 12:06:59

I used to work longer hours and never expected another person to skivvy for me unless I were paying them. Adults look after themselves.

UriGHOULer Mon 14-Oct-13 12:07:36

I hate to take the side of this lazy pig but maybe what he's trying to say is "I'd rather have you not working outside the home if it means I have to do some of the housework" either way its not a very smart thing to say but I can kind of see where he's coming from

Norudeshitrequired Mon 14-Oct-13 12:13:26

If he lived alone he would have to cook and clean as well as going to work. You are not his mother or his maid, you are his partner and should be treated as such.
Tell him you are going to get a job and he will have to pull his weight in the house. If he refuses to acknowledge that he needs to do his fair share then make sure that you only cook for you and the children, only wash and iron the clothes that belong to you and the children and make sure he understands that you are not doing his share because he doesn't do any of those things for anybody else and you are not his flipping mother. Hopefully he will get the message and shape up grin

quoteunquote Mon 14-Oct-13 12:22:14

To be fair he leaves the house at 7.45am and isn't back until 7pm

So if he lived on his own in a house, what would he do when he came in?

Totally ridiculous both my husband and I work long hours, we both muck in as do the children.

Looking after children is a job that done properly doesn't leave much time for house work.

As for the golf all day saturdays, what a twonk, if he not putting in anything during the week, how has he got time for it? I assume he takes the children with him.

is this his theme tune ?

BornToFolk Mon 14-Oct-13 12:26:18

To be fair he leaves the house at 7.45am and isn't back until 7pm so doesn't have much time.

Does your working day start at 7.45am and end at 7pm too OP?

You need to have a very stark conversation with him. Ask him: are you really saying that I can never have a job again? Because that's the logical outcome of what you're saying.

Ask him: do you really feel like the housework is more important than my happiness, my potential earnings, my interests? Because that's really what you're saying.

If he absolutely refuses to do anything, then at least he needs to spend money on the problem by getting in a cleaner, investing in a dishwasher/tumble dryer, using dry cleaners, etc.

He cannot expect you to spend the rest of your life as his maid.

Jan49 Mon 14-Oct-13 12:30:00

Getting home at 7pm gives him at least 4 hours to have a break, do things with the dc and do household chores.

And now he thinks you're only entitled to work if you can do all the household chores yourself too. He's confusing you with a maid.angry

LiegeAndLief Mon 14-Oct-13 12:31:20

YABU for being slightly pissed off.

My dh leaves the house at 8am gets home about 6:30-7pm. He comes in, we eat, then one of us puts the kids to bed and the other does the kitchen and any other jobs that need doing. We both stop and sit down together. At the weekends he does an equal share with the dc and usually something extra like the hoovering.

I have worked very part time since dc2 was born, have recently started doing school hours as she's now at school. Dh would never have said anything like that in a million years because:

1. We are a team and help each other
2. Of course he cares what I do - I'm his wife and he loves me
3. He quite likes his head attached to the rest of his body

comewinewithmoi Mon 14-Oct-13 12:32:10

Really? Ltb, only half joking.

Weeantwee Mon 14-Oct-13 12:33:46

I take it it wasn't said in a jokey manner? My DH might say that with a big grin on his face just to wind me up. I know he doesn't mean it though.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 14-Oct-13 12:33:55

For comparison, I've morphed into being a SAHM, a little unintentionally, currently job-hunting, dd is 18 months.

Perhaps our history of both working FT, expectation that may happen again and experience of each looking after our own houses ourselves in the past has informed our expectations of each pulling our weight.

DP is out 7.15 - 5.45 three days a week and 6.30 - 6.45 two days. He does dd's bath and bedtime every week day, as he wants to spend time with her. I cook dinner. At weekends we swap. During the week, I keep the laundry and dishes ticking over, keep floors and surfaces tolerably tidy and do our online shopping. Proper cleaning happens at weekends and is shared. We do our own ironing (so I do almost none, not needing work clothes).

The thing is, I work precisely the same hours, doing childcare, as his working hours plus commute.

Why wouldn't we split the evenings and weekends and the boring drudgery of housework equally? I just cannot grasp the concept of 'I'm a SAHM so I work and am on call 24/7 while my partner has leisure time.' Why would anyone choose that?

oscarwilde Mon 14-Oct-13 12:47:32

Do you get an "allowance" too?

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