Husband sending photo to PIL

(81 Posts)
DannyArgo Mon 14-Oct-13 01:11:24

I've lurked for ages on this site but never actually posted, however I now really need to know if iabu as I am so pissed off I cannot decide whether my husband really is an insensitive dick or if I am being totally over sensitive.

We are going to a family wedding later in the month, I was really worried about finding something to wear but was quite excited to find something the other day really quickly. My sister lives in a different part of the country and is also attending the wedding, she asked me to send a picture of me in the dress, so I duly get my husband to take various shots of me in said dress on the ipad. When I see the pictures I hate them. I am very critical of myself anyway and hate photos of myself so I should have known I wouldn't like them, but in the changing room I thought I looked ok in it. I said that I hated the photos, that I thought I looked huge round the middle and went on about how depressing I found it looking at the photo especially as I liked the dress when I tried it on. Anyway I told my sister I wouldn't be sending the photos as I hated the way I looked, she said she was sure I looked great, blah, blah, blah. So to clarify my husband was well aware of how I felt about the photo. I realise at this point that I should have deleted them but I didn't.

Fast forward to tonight and I happen to be going through my mail outbox and what do I find but an e-mail to his parents of ME IN THE DRESS! He wan sitting next to me at the time, when I asked why he had done it he didn't even have the grace to admit he'd done it. When he ( sort) of admitted he had and I told him how upset I was about it (added to the fact I do not get on with his Mum and Dad) he did not even apologise, he just tried to make out that I was making a huge fuss.

Now I know people will probably flame me and tell me to get a grip, that there are real problems in the world, but I am so upset by it, I just can't believe he could be so insensitive. Actually I can believe it and that is probably the problem. Is it just me or would you have been upset too? To know how strongly I felt about it, to know I don't get on with his parents and to then forward it to them! I suppose it just makes me question my relationship with him if he thinks it is ok to do this and doesn't even see the need to apologise ! Bearing in mind we've been together 21 years, aibu to have expected more or have I blown this up into something ridiculous?

I think it was an odd thing for him to do too OP but not be because you didn't like the photo (You probably looked fine in his eyes and he thinks you're being hyper-critical) but because you and his parents don't get on.

What reason could there be to send PILs a photo of a DIL they're not all that keen on? If your DCs had been in the photo or if it had been you and your DH together then fine, but to send a photo of just you is a bit strange.

The only thing that springs to mind is that your MIL asked what you'd be wearing for the wedding and without thinking he emailed her the photo so she could see the dress. Do you think that could be the case?

ZacharyQuack Mon 14-Oct-13 04:42:35

The OP said that her sister was going to be attending the wedding, which indicates that it is on the OP's side of the family, not the ILs.

The OP also said that she told her DH that she hated how she looked in the photo, so either he wasn't listening to her, or he didn't care.

Nenny if my DH knew he had upset me, I'd expect an apology from him regardless of whether he felt I had a reason to be upset. The DH doesn't get to decide if the OP's feelings are valid or not.

comingalongnicely Mon 14-Oct-13 09:00:03

LOL at "I'd be LIVID and definitely questioning our relationship"

But as to the OP, he probably thinks you look lovely in the dress & wanted to show his parents. My DW used to have a really negative self-image & camera's were banned. Now she's seeing herself as I, and others, have always seen her - which is as a beautiful woman.

I think you're probably over-thinking his actions & he's sat there hoping it'll all just go away!

sebsmummy1 Mon 14-Oct-13 09:05:24

Did I read that the OPs husband was also in the photo? If so might he have just wanted to send a photo of them both to his parents?

I also HATE my photo being taken and yep, OH has put a photo on the lock screen of his phone of a photo of me I do not like. However I have just had to get over it as I know I'm hyper critical and ridiculous.

pinkdelight Mon 14-Oct-13 09:15:22

I agree it is a bit bizarre until we know why he sent it to his parents. If he'd said you'd made this big fuss and he couldn't see anything wrong with it and hence sent them the pic, I think that's fine. I see why you're upset as your appearance is clearly a raw nerve, but if he thinks you look fine then your levels of sensitivity about it might be quite hard to handle. It's not just that you don't like the photo, you are being very OTT about it (and I look far from great, believe me!) and he mightn't be able to deal with how you are on that issue, same as his shortcomings trouble you. I think it'd be very different if he'd sent it with some snidey comment, but that's no the case so I wouldn't condemn him yet. And whatever else is going on in the bigger picture, this is just a photo. We all look shit in photos. Please don't let it upset you so much.

Aeroaddict Mon 14-Oct-13 09:18:02

YANBU, it was an insensitive thing to do knowing how you felt. I would be more upset by the denial when you saw what he'd done though. If he thought it was an OK thing to do, why deny it afterwards?

I also find it interesting to see how the tone of your posts changed. It might be worth you reading them back. In your OP you are clearly furious with him, an hour later in your last post, you are explaining and excusing his behaviour. Do you find yourself doing that a lot?

ScarerAndFuck Mon 14-Oct-13 09:19:11

No he wasn't in the photo sebsmummy, it was just the OP in them. Her DH was sitting next to her when she realised he had emailed the photo, not when it was taken.

I can understand why she's upset.

The photo's were meant for her sister, not the rest of the family.

She hated them so much she said not to send them to her sister at all, and explained why she didn't want people to see them.

So he randomly sent one to his parents instead.

Then he wouldn't admit to sending it.

Then he sort of admitted to sending it but wouldn't say why.

I can see why she feels he has ignored her feelings and embarrassed her for no good reason.

Howsuper Mon 14-Oct-13 09:29:11

I cannot actually believe some are saying they would question whether to end theirmarriage over this!!

Especially given the extremely scant amount of information about this man and this marriage proffered.

Yes it was insensitive, infuriating and worthy of a big old row followed hopefully by a heartfelt apology from dh but seriously get grips people.

Bathtimesoaker Mon 14-Oct-13 09:38:27

I can almost imagine a conversation along the lines of

Op, 'why did you send that photo? I hate how I look'
Dh, 'I thought you looked nice'
Op, 'I hate you' dramatic exit!

Obviously I'm exaggerating but didn't anyone ever tell you to pick your battles in marriage? Your husband looks at you everyday and liked what he saw? It's really not worth this fuss and palaver. Yes you didn't like the photo but that's your own self confidence issues and your husband is entitled to be like what you look like, even if you don't.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 14-Oct-13 09:42:49

I don't think of myself as being vain but it's a rare day I see a photo of myself and think yay, great, let the world see it. So if you weren't happy with a photo and he sent it anyhow to people who aren't your biggest fans I can see how annoying that was.

If you feel this is just the latest in a long line of insensitive things he's done or typifies his not listening to you, then of course it is a straw breaking the camel's back.

PS for a smile, type [ then type smile then type ]

Rooble Mon 14-Oct-13 09:45:13

Danny - have you always felt so bad about pictures of yourself? If it's a relatively new thing (or has newly got more extreme) is it possible he's feeling confused? And has talked to his parents about it innocently? As in "I really don't understand why she was feeling so bad, it's a lovely dress, she looks beautiful, but all she can see is the negative side".

Your reaction sounds a bit extreme - I'm just wondering if he's watching you feel like this, worrying about you, and actually only having his family to turn to and talk it through with?

sebsmummy1 Mon 14-Oct-13 09:51:30

Is there a possibility OPs husband actually thought she looked really gorgeous and wanted to show his mum and dad a recent photo because he was proud?

AvonCallingBarksdale Mon 14-Oct-13 09:53:21

OP YANBU. I think those who are thinking it's a mountain/molehill situation may not appreciate just how horrible it can be seeingy photos of yourself if you don't like them. Some people always look fine in photos, others, simply, do not. When I was quite overweight and feeling wobbly about how I looked I literally could not bear to look at photos of myself and would hate it if someone took an "unauthorised" snap!! I lost weight, new haircut, complete overhaul, but I'm still not overly keen on being photographed. OP, DH was v insensitive. Doesn't matter if he doesn't understand - pick something that he's touchy about and you wouldn't deliberately do that, would you?

MoominMammasHandbag Mon 14-Oct-13 09:54:07

I'm with Rooble on this. You come across as incredibly over sensitive about your appearance.
Is it possible that your husband is concerned you have a distorted body image, tried to get an impartial view from his parents, and then was embarassed to admit this to you?
I am sure that you are lovely OP but, to be honest, you sound quite hard work.

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 14-Oct-13 09:57:22

Big leap from what the OP has posted to saying she is hard work Moomin...YANBU OP

SirChenjin Mon 14-Oct-13 09:59:28

DH did something similar to me once. I was furious - he knows how much I hate having my photo taken, but as far as he's concerned I'm gorgeous and I look great in anything I wear hmm. I genuinely don't think he got how upset I would be. Maybe the same thing here?

I don't think it's as bad as some posters are making out.

PeppiNephrine Mon 14-Oct-13 10:01:41

"Mum, why did you leave Dad and break up the family?"
"Well ,he sent a picture of me I didn't like to your grandparents"

Yep, sure they'll understand. You don't think there is a tiny chance you are over-reacting a bit?

Trills Mon 14-Oct-13 10:03:40

'Danny's found a dress for the wedding, she thinks she looks like a big, fat pig in it, I'll send you the picture......'

Er, no, not obviously.

Could be Danny's found a dress and doesn't like how she looks in it - I think she looks lovely though. Can you help me to figure out how to tell her that she looks nicer than she thinks?

Or MIL: What colour dress is Danny wearing?
DH: Er, it's purple
MIL: Is it lilac or fuchsia or maroon or crimson or violet or indigo or forget-me-not?
DH: I'll just send you the picture.

Trills Mon 14-Oct-13 10:04:36

The main question is why would his parents want to see a picture of you at all? - there is probably a sensible explanation for it.

thebody Mon 14-Oct-13 10:04:53

there has to be more to this than meets the eye.

you can't think of leaving a 20 year marriage over this.

Vivacia Mon 14-Oct-13 10:05:40

I feel the same about my photo. My partner knows how I feel. He wouldn't dream of sending anyone my photo without asking, let alone people he knew I didn't get on well with.

YANBU.

projectbabyweight Mon 14-Oct-13 10:16:21

There seems to be much more going on:

"He has yet again made me feel like somehow it's my fault. He has been insensitive in the past, I laid it on the line recently and said if things didn't improve I couldn't see us carrying on."

OP - hope you can make him understand why you're upset and be kinder in the future.

Thumbwitch Tue 15-Oct-13 13:27:42

I really don't understand why people aren't seeing the bigger picture (sorry, no pun intended) here - it's not just about the fecking picture, it's about the fact that she hated it, she didn't even want her own sister to see it, let alone ILs, with whom she doesn't get along. It's about her DH refusing to explain his actions and failing to acknowledge her feelings about it.
It's really not just about the photo!

PeppiNephrine Tue 15-Oct-13 13:31:54

That is all about the photo though: how she felt about the photo, who she didn't want to see the photo, him not saying why he sent the photo, its all about the same thing. ]
Thats not the bigger picture. The bigger picture is why you would even dream of ending a 2 decade marriage over it? There must be a LOT more to it, otherwise its bizarre.

Thumbwitch Tue 15-Oct-13 13:37:45

It's about her H failing to acknowledge, recognise or respect her feelings.

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