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Husband sending photo to PIL

(81 Posts)
DannyArgo Mon 14-Oct-13 01:11:24

I've lurked for ages on this site but never actually posted, however I now really need to know if iabu as I am so pissed off I cannot decide whether my husband really is an insensitive dick or if I am being totally over sensitive.

We are going to a family wedding later in the month, I was really worried about finding something to wear but was quite excited to find something the other day really quickly. My sister lives in a different part of the country and is also attending the wedding, she asked me to send a picture of me in the dress, so I duly get my husband to take various shots of me in said dress on the ipad. When I see the pictures I hate them. I am very critical of myself anyway and hate photos of myself so I should have known I wouldn't like them, but in the changing room I thought I looked ok in it. I said that I hated the photos, that I thought I looked huge round the middle and went on about how depressing I found it looking at the photo especially as I liked the dress when I tried it on. Anyway I told my sister I wouldn't be sending the photos as I hated the way I looked, she said she was sure I looked great, blah, blah, blah. So to clarify my husband was well aware of how I felt about the photo. I realise at this point that I should have deleted them but I didn't.

Fast forward to tonight and I happen to be going through my mail outbox and what do I find but an e-mail to his parents of ME IN THE DRESS! He wan sitting next to me at the time, when I asked why he had done it he didn't even have the grace to admit he'd done it. When he ( sort) of admitted he had and I told him how upset I was about it (added to the fact I do not get on with his Mum and Dad) he did not even apologise, he just tried to make out that I was making a huge fuss.

Now I know people will probably flame me and tell me to get a grip, that there are real problems in the world, but I am so upset by it, I just can't believe he could be so insensitive. Actually I can believe it and that is probably the problem. Is it just me or would you have been upset too? To know how strongly I felt about it, to know I don't get on with his parents and to then forward it to them! I suppose it just makes me question my relationship with him if he thinks it is ok to do this and doesn't even see the need to apologise ! Bearing in mind we've been together 21 years, aibu to have expected more or have I blown this up into something ridiculous?

why did he do it? confused

That's just bizarre

123rd Mon 14-Oct-13 01:22:29

Did he say why? Has he got a problem with how you look, or did he genuinely think you looked nice and wanted to show you off to his parents?( I'd be v pissed off my dh done that btw)

BillyBanter Mon 14-Oct-13 01:23:03

I would be furious and very upset.

I think this is the epitome of a mountain out of a molehill.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 14-Oct-13 01:24:06

No, YANBU, I'd be LIVID and definitely questioning our relationship << or rather, my desire to remain in it!

What on earth posessed him to do that?

How long has he been such a twat for?

DannyArgo Mon 14-Oct-13 01:24:15

It is bizarre isn't it?! It isn't just me, because he's making me feel that I'm being weird. He wouldn't even give me an explanation. There was no text on the e-mail so he's obviously discussed it with them on the phone 'Danny's found a dress for the wedding, she thinks she looks like a big, fat pig in it, I'll send you the picture......'

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 14-Oct-13 01:24:46

Oh do you Pottering and why would that be exactly?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 14-Oct-13 01:26:03

Yes, it is bizarre. It's also cruel, nasty, disrespectful and generally a shitty thing to do!

KeatsiePie Algeria Mon 14-Oct-13 01:28:36

That's just really inconsiderate and unkind. Sure, not the crime of the century -- but I think the conscious effort to be considerate and kind goes an awfully long way toward making a marriage work. So I think it is kind of a big deal, actually, in that sense. I would be hurt and puzzled -- and even more puzzled that he has no explanation for why he did it.

DannyArgo Mon 14-Oct-13 01:37:25

I think that's what I really feel, hurt that he could have done it, but I had to seek other opinions because he has yet again made me feel like somehow it's my fault. He has been insensitive in the past, I laid it on the line recently and said if things didn't improve I couldn't see us carrying on. He was shocked and said he would make more effort. I'm not sure if I really deep down thought we should split, three children 21 years, it's a lot to throw away but I'm not sure if I should be expecting more then this if you know what I mean? We've been together so long it's sometimes hard to take a look at yourself and think 'is this right'?

Lazysuzanne Mon 14-Oct-13 01:42:02

It was a cruel and childish thing to do and he knows it, thats why he's acting weird & pretending he didnt do it.
if it was a genuine mistake he would just apologise and be understanding about why you feel hurt.

You should be able to trust him not to share photo's that you've asked him to not share, I think it's akin to breaking a confidence and passing on a secret which you've been asked to keep.

BillyBanter Mon 14-Oct-13 01:42:29

I am very sensitive about photos of me. I hate them but other people just don't seem to get how upsetting it is to me. So from that point of view he hasn't necessarily done something malicious or uncaring just thoughtless. He probably doesn't think you look awful in it.

Chances are your impression in the shop mirror is more accurate. I can think I look great in the mirror (at home, never in shops!) but take a photo that very second and I look dreadful. I think I'm not photogenic.

KeatsiePie Algeria Mon 14-Oct-13 01:59:17

If you have told him he needs to be more sensitive to your feelings in general, and he either isn't making the effort or seems not to know how to make the effort, and it's bad enough that you're not sure you want to stay in the marriage, then imo. it's time for couples counselling. It can really really help.

And yeah, I think it is pretty normal to have been in a marriage for a long time and sometimes think who are we, is this right for us both. I haven't been married that long yet but I hear it is common.

DannyArgo Mon 14-Oct-13 02:13:22

I think I need to discuss it properly with him again tomorrow and make him understand how upset I was by it. When I tried it on he did say he thought it was really nice, but he should have respected my feelings when I went on about how crap I felt when I saw the picture. He can be very thoughtless, I know it wasn't meant maliciously. The problem is he's probably thinking that I'm making a big deal of it because its his parents, but I'm really not, I would have felt the same whoever he'd sent it to. I've never even considered couples counselling, perhaps it is an option.

Anyway I'm off to bed now but thank you all for your feedback, it's really good to get an unbiased opinion. It's not so scary posting on here, I will return (would like to insert smily face but not sure how to yet!)

Shellywelly1973 Mon 14-Oct-13 02:19:05

YANBU. I hate photos of myself...its always a bloody shock-I like to think I look ok but a photo never lies!

Your dh sounds like a total arse...

cafecito Mon 14-Oct-13 02:20:53

maybe he just didn't think - he may be blinded to your perceived flaws, not see what the big deal is at all, and send a 'she's found a dress' photo because all he sees is a picture of his DW in a dress - not the crime of the century, is it? you're oversensitive about this. I hate pics of me too, but he probably doesn't understand how you feel at all really about this but not from a position of malice and perhaps from just not getting why you feel so bad about yourself. have a word with him about respecting your feelings, being sensitive to your privacy - and leave it at that. it's not necessarily something to be livid about.

KeatsiePie Algeria Mon 14-Oct-13 02:23:30

Yes, do come back, there are a lot of fun threads around here!

Hope the talk goes well. I think a lot of people are not excited about the idea of couples counselling (or think it is a clear prelude to divorce) but I am a fan. After the initial faffing around making an appt. and being nervous about it, it is really no big deal to go and spend a little time making sure you understand each other and can communicate.

Thumbwitch Mon 14-Oct-13 02:34:49

I don't understand why he felt the need to send it to his parents at all - just seems an utterly bizarre thing to do!

His lack of decent explanation for it though makes it more suspicious - if it had been something along the lines of "I was chatting to Mum about your dress and she said she'd like to see it so I sent her the pic, sorry I know you hated it but it was all I had to show her the dress" then WHY THE FUCK could he not have just SAID that? But he didn't! Which suggests to me there is some underlying unpleasantness/snidiness involved.

I see you've said that you do not normally get on with your ILs - are they the sort of people who would adversely comment upon your weight/looks? If so then it's REALLY unreasonable of him to have sent them that photo.

Thumbwitch Mon 14-Oct-13 02:36:45

Whoops, posted before I finished it - what it boils down to though is his lack of respect for your feelings. You hated the photo, you are miserable that he's sent it out into the public arena and he's just minimising all that and making out that you're over-reacting. You are entitled to feel how you do, and entitled to feel upset that he is ignoring your feelings - and really, THAT's what this is more about than just the photo.

Am I missing something here? He emailed a photo of you to his parents. That's all. A photo. I know you didn't like it but, by your own admission you don't like many photos as you're very critical of yourself. Maybe he just liked it and thought "sod it. If I wait for one she likes I'll never send one".

He's not had an affair. Or addicted to crack. Or hit you. He emailled a photo.

Thumbwitch Mon 14-Oct-13 02:49:04

Yes, you're missing something, Pottering. The OP's DH has done something that has upset her, hasn't explained why, has minimised her feelings over it and basically has no respect for her feelings.

There are other ways to hurt the one you're married to than your "blunt instrument" examples.

You havent said from which side of the family the wedding is for. It might be that his mum had asked to see so that her outfit didn't clash or some other wedding related worry. Perhaps she was concerned that you might clash with bridesmaids or something. who knows!

I got on with my now ex's parents but always superficially so if my ex's mum was being odd about something ex would moan to me but do what ever it was she wanted anyway. But then he would be grumpy about it so perhaps again your DH just couldn't be bothered with it all and then asking Q's was just more hassle on top.

As other PPs have said - he probably though how nice you looked in the photo and was keen for others to see how nice you looked before you hit the delete button smile

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 14-Oct-13 03:00:22

DannyArgo stick around smile if you want to put a smiley face (or any of the others - there's a list down there!) then you can either type [ smile ] < without the spaces each side of the word, or : and ) without any gaps.

nennypops Mon 14-Oct-13 04:17:31

I'm with Pottering and veryconfused here. I suspect that dh sent the picture because he couldn't see anything wrong with it and he genuinely felt that there was no reason to dislike it. His reaction sounds a bit like sheepish male who finds himself in the middle of an enormous row completely out of the blue without quite knowing how he got there. He realises that op is upset but doesn't feel that she has any reason to be, and therefore doesn't feel that he really needs to go into massive explaining/grovelling mode. I think it really is exaggerating to describe this as "cruel", and I can see how deep down he does feel that op is making a mountain out of a molehill. OP herself accepts he didn't do it maliciously.

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