To be more angry than I've ever been at DH?

(140 Posts)
desperateandangry Sun 13-Oct-13 14:16:08

Hi,

Have NCed for this and posting here for more traffic. Really don't know what to do and am feeling so desperately angry & upset.

After a year of trying for our much wanted 2nd child (& suffering a loss at the beginning of the year), I've finally been given clomid to help me ovulate properly. The trouble is every time we now DTD DH doesn't ejaculate. First time laughed it off, second was slightly concerned, now I've lost count & I'm fuming. How the hell are we supposed to conceive if he doesn't play his part?! I've tried talking to him & he days he's turned on, he wants to but doesn't know what stops him. He won't go to the GP so basically we're stuffed. We have just tried for the millionth time & it's ended up with me walking out in floods if tears leaving him in bed.

What do I do?

Can he ejaculate on his own? If so, have him do it in a cup and use a turkey baster.

olathelawyer05 Mon 14-Oct-13 22:50:08

MistressIggi ....lol. Yes I think all you women are horrible... but some of you are clearly more horrible than others.

Sorry if you think me harsh, but people - ALL people - need to be called out on their sh*t. You haven't addressed the 'comparison' that I made, probably because you know there is truth to it. If a man wrote the equivalent of the original post, you would (rightly) jump all over his sense of entitlement at expecting his wife to fulfill her duty to him and conceive.

MysteriousHamster Mon 14-Oct-13 20:42:11

I think 'a year' out is madness, because it's overkill. When you're in your thirties and watching your fertility slip away, a year out might sound nice but you could be faced with more problems later on. Surely a month to three would be just as beneficial.

It's also patronising and something that you (the generic you) would not advise yourself to do at the same moment.

OP does not sound 'horrible', she sounds like she's at the end of her tether and venting here. Her husband deserves understanding, and she could do with a bit of support.

MistressIggi Mon 14-Oct-13 19:30:58

Don't take Ola's comment to heart OP, I think he thinks all us women are horrible really biscuit

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Mon 14-Oct-13 18:45:02

I would strongly recommend that you get your husband to have a word with his parents and ask them, nicely but firmly, NOT to keep cross examining you about conceiving a second child.

Likewise, ask your family not to keep asking you. The last thing both of you need is more pressure.

PeriodFeatures Mon 14-Oct-13 18:44:45

NYANBU...

Of course you are angry. Another hurdle has been put in front of you

But....

It's not rational, it's not fair and it's misdirected. You both need a cuddle... with each other.

olathelawyer05 Mon 14-Oct-13 18:38:12

This is the equivalent of your husband getting frustrated at you for not conceiving. Yes, you are being unreasonable expecting him to 'do his duty' so to speak. You sound horrible.

Mojavewonderer Mon 14-Oct-13 17:22:47

Baking?? Baby making obviously.

Mojavewonderer Mon 14-Oct-13 17:22:24

Personally I don't think any of this is doing either of you any good.
I think you need to step back and stop putting so much pressure on yourselves.
When you have run out of the medication and go back to the doctor you had best be honest and tell them the problems you are having and they will probably give you another few doses.
Having sex like a robot is not natural and it's certainly not sexy. For a man to ejactulate he needs to be stimulated and he can't do that if his mind has a mental block. You need to make sex fun again. Maybe get him excited and then back off a few times until he can't take it anymore and has to have it! Dress up ;) Use food and/or toys. Make it so he is enjoying it and can't help but ejaculate. I bet you also wouldn't mind a bit of fun too. Bit more romantic than being ordered to drop your pants because it's baking making time.
Good luck op.

MistressIggi Mon 14-Oct-13 17:19:36

Or we could agree that you're wrong
wink
Complexnumber, feelings are complex too - OP has said she is the one who can't provide the 2nd child they long for, lot of guilt and inadequacy wrapped up in that. Hopefully you would stick around long enough to see if it was actual hatred, or anger/frustration/misery at the whole situation.

complexnumber Mon 14-Oct-13 17:09:26

As a bloke, I have had times problems ejaculating when we were TTC.

If I thought that, at any time, my DP was hating me because of this I would have buggered off sharpish.

For both our sakes.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 14-Oct-13 17:03:52

I think we'll have to agree to differ then.

MistressIggi Mon 14-Oct-13 17:00:12

Nope Jamie, still not seeing it - especially as I used the word "many" rather than the word "all" when talking about men. Not saying his feelings don't matter either - let's consider both their feelings, it's not one or the other.
Think you were looking for something that wasn't there - wouldn't be pursuing it only unbelievably sexist is not a label I can take lightly.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Mon 14-Oct-13 16:55:02

Have you considered some "help"? Might not be something you would normally do but something like putting porn on and dressing up in something that he likes? Might tip him over the edge?

(or put the pressure on even more!)

Sounds tricky all round.

Bexamundo Mon 14-Oct-13 16:50:05

Gosh OP I feel for you. We had a long journey TTC for DD (currently asleep on my chest!). DH had performance issues (maintaining mostly). I too got incredibly angry at times and wondered if he wanted a baby. He did have av underlying medical problem. However a lot of it was psychological. One thing that really helped us was taking the pressure off by introducing massage. Massage provides skin-to-skin contact and is both sensuous and relaxing. We used to agree it wasn't an automatic pre-cursor to sex but often lead to it. One too though - was your hands between massaging and sex or your lady bits will be on fire! I speak from experience!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 14-Oct-13 15:56:57

MistressIggi

I said sexist because if a man had made an assumption about what all women should do/feel/behave based on what they perceive to be the norm for women then he'd be - rightly- criticised. Women would also, rightly, be upset to have it assumed that their feelings about sex don't matter.

I can see it's really hard all round, but my posts, and others have cautioned against blaming each other and losing sight of the foundations of raising a child - the relationship.

Shockingundercrackers Mon 14-Oct-13 15:19:34

I can't read and run... Poor you OP, what you are both going through really is the absolute pits. Ttc after miscarriage is a total passion killer in my experience. I lost all confidence when that happened to me (twice hmm). Please don't underestimate how hard it is for your DP as well. MC is terribly sad for dads too, but no one talks to them about it. That said, i do think you should take a step back You aren't even 40 yet. There's so much pressure on you, but please remember a lot of that is utter utter bollocks. You still have plenty of time (really) and you still might conceive without the drugs. It happens. As a 40 (cough) something myself i know a number of friends who've conceived after the clomid, after the IVF, after they've given up all hope. Just shagging for fun has given DS three of his little playmates! Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

icklemssunshine1 Mon 14-Oct-13 14:54:05

Thanks whatsthat, interesting to see the other side. I'm hoping after all this is over our sex life will return to normal. Sick of it being so difficult.

SnakeyMcBadass Mon 14-Oct-13 14:14:45

I feel for you, OP. The need for a child isn't rational, and it's all consuming. I can only advise you to keep on talking to your DH, and to try and step back from pressuring him. He's going through this, too.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Mon 14-Oct-13 13:56:20

Hi OP, I'm a guy who has gone through this scenario, except my wife wasn't taking clomid so in your situation there is even more pressure.

My wife got really pissed off with me which made everything far far worse. The only thing that worked for me was having no pressure to perform. We did do the 'turkey baster', so I knew there was an alternative if it didn't happen. I didn't like doing that but it did at least take some of the pressure off, in that I knew we could still do something. In the end we did conceive 'naturally'.

A note of caution: the whole thing has completely fucked up our sex life. We have got a wonderful son though.

desperateandangry Mon 14-Oct-13 13:50:49

I've only been given 4 rounds as my consultant says he's "confident" I'll conceive in that time! After that I'll be sent for more tests.

Thanks Moku :-)

Music I can assure you I am far from spoilt - I feel like a failure. I can constantly asked by friends & family when I'm having another child esp since I lost out baby there have been 10 pg announcements in our family. I'm not a brat, I am the reason why out family is incomplete.

MistressIggi Mon 14-Oct-13 13:01:31

Musicismylife that was a nasty post. You're telling a bereaved woman desperate for a child that she is a spoilt brat?

MokuMoku Mon 14-Oct-13 12:04:37

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything. Just trying to say that there are alternatives. You seem to be pinning all your hopes and dreams on the next two months and that is so much pressure for you both.

I think a good talk with your DH when you are both calm is a good step to step. Hopefully your consultant with have something to offer you as well.

I wish you both all the best.

cantspel Mon 14-Oct-13 11:33:06

I did 2 years on clomid. Ok that was nearly 18 years ago but even today i am sure that you can take clomid for more than 6 months. It took several months alone for them to find a dose that made me ovulate.

Kewcumber Mon 14-Oct-13 11:14:54

OP - it is not Clomid or IVF and you have been poorly advised if you have been told that. In addition to IUI after clomid you can move to injectible drugs and IUI (or sex) which even if you have to pay for it privtaely is significantly cheaper than IVF. I'm also slightly confused why you only have 4 rounds of CLmoid

These are the NICE guidelines -

"Women with World Health Organization Group II ovulation
disorders (hypothalamic pituitary dysfunction) such as
polycystic ovary syndrome should be offered treatment
with clomifene citrate (or tamoxifen) as the first line of
treatment for up to 12 months because it is likely to
induce ovulation."

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