To be more angry than I've ever been at DH?

(140 Posts)
desperateandangry Sun 13-Oct-13 14:16:08


Have NCed for this and posting here for more traffic. Really don't know what to do and am feeling so desperately angry & upset.

After a year of trying for our much wanted 2nd child (& suffering a loss at the beginning of the year), I've finally been given clomid to help me ovulate properly. The trouble is every time we now DTD DH doesn't ejaculate. First time laughed it off, second was slightly concerned, now I've lost count & I'm fuming. How the hell are we supposed to conceive if he doesn't play his part?! I've tried talking to him & he days he's turned on, he wants to but doesn't know what stops him. He won't go to the GP so basically we're stuffed. We have just tried for the millionth time & it's ended up with me walking out in floods if tears leaving him in bed.

What do I do?

Bexamundo Mon 14-Oct-13 16:50:05

Gosh OP I feel for you. We had a long journey TTC for DD (currently asleep on my chest!). DH had performance issues (maintaining mostly). I too got incredibly angry at times and wondered if he wanted a baby. He did have av underlying medical problem. However a lot of it was psychological. One thing that really helped us was taking the pressure off by introducing massage. Massage provides skin-to-skin contact and is both sensuous and relaxing. We used to agree it wasn't an automatic pre-cursor to sex but often lead to it. One too though - was your hands between massaging and sex or your lady bits will be on fire! I speak from experience!

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Mon 14-Oct-13 16:55:02

Have you considered some "help"? Might not be something you would normally do but something like putting porn on and dressing up in something that he likes? Might tip him over the edge?

(or put the pressure on even more!)

Sounds tricky all round.

MistressIggi Mon 14-Oct-13 17:00:12

Nope Jamie, still not seeing it - especially as I used the word "many" rather than the word "all" when talking about men. Not saying his feelings don't matter either - let's consider both their feelings, it's not one or the other.
Think you were looking for something that wasn't there - wouldn't be pursuing it only unbelievably sexist is not a label I can take lightly.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 14-Oct-13 17:03:52

I think we'll have to agree to differ then.

complexnumber Mon 14-Oct-13 17:09:26

As a bloke, I have had times problems ejaculating when we were TTC.

If I thought that, at any time, my DP was hating me because of this I would have buggered off sharpish.

For both our sakes.

MistressIggi Mon 14-Oct-13 17:19:36

Or we could agree that you're wrong
Complexnumber, feelings are complex too - OP has said she is the one who can't provide the 2nd child they long for, lot of guilt and inadequacy wrapped up in that. Hopefully you would stick around long enough to see if it was actual hatred, or anger/frustration/misery at the whole situation.

Mojavewonderer Mon 14-Oct-13 17:22:24

Personally I don't think any of this is doing either of you any good.
I think you need to step back and stop putting so much pressure on yourselves.
When you have run out of the medication and go back to the doctor you had best be honest and tell them the problems you are having and they will probably give you another few doses.
Having sex like a robot is not natural and it's certainly not sexy. For a man to ejactulate he needs to be stimulated and he can't do that if his mind has a mental block. You need to make sex fun again. Maybe get him excited and then back off a few times until he can't take it anymore and has to have it! Dress up ;) Use food and/or toys. Make it so he is enjoying it and can't help but ejaculate. I bet you also wouldn't mind a bit of fun too. Bit more romantic than being ordered to drop your pants because it's baking making time.
Good luck op.

Mojavewonderer Mon 14-Oct-13 17:22:47

Baking?? Baby making obviously.

olathelawyer05 Mon 14-Oct-13 18:38:12

This is the equivalent of your husband getting frustrated at you for not conceiving. Yes, you are being unreasonable expecting him to 'do his duty' so to speak. You sound horrible.

PeriodFeatures Mon 14-Oct-13 18:44:45


Of course you are angry. Another hurdle has been put in front of you


It's not rational, it's not fair and it's misdirected. You both need a cuddle... with each other.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Mon 14-Oct-13 18:45:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressIggi Mon 14-Oct-13 19:30:58

Don't take Ola's comment to heart OP, I think he thinks all us women are horrible really biscuit

MysteriousHamster Mon 14-Oct-13 20:42:11

I think 'a year' out is madness, because it's overkill. When you're in your thirties and watching your fertility slip away, a year out might sound nice but you could be faced with more problems later on. Surely a month to three would be just as beneficial.

It's also patronising and something that you (the generic you) would not advise yourself to do at the same moment.

OP does not sound 'horrible', she sounds like she's at the end of her tether and venting here. Her husband deserves understanding, and she could do with a bit of support.

olathelawyer05 Mon 14-Oct-13 22:50:08

MistressIggi Yes I think all you women are horrible... but some of you are clearly more horrible than others.

Sorry if you think me harsh, but people - ALL people - need to be called out on their sh*t. You haven't addressed the 'comparison' that I made, probably because you know there is truth to it. If a man wrote the equivalent of the original post, you would (rightly) jump all over his sense of entitlement at expecting his wife to fulfill her duty to him and conceive.

Can he ejaculate on his own? If so, have him do it in a cup and use a turkey baster.

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