about DH staying away for (part of) DD's birthday

(60 Posts)
OrangeSunset Sun 13-Oct-13 07:28:35

DD's birthday is in a few weeks. DH has been invited to a sporting event the day before, and it transpires they are planning to stay over in the city where the event takes place.

DH is rubbish with dates, and when it was booked, didn't realise that DD's birthday was the next day. When I reminded him last night, he got a bit uppity and said his mate will be driving there and back, so they will be back the next morning (ie. the morning of DD's birthday).

AIBU to be annoyed by this? The city is only 1 hour away, and so it's entirely possible for him to get the train back after the event to enable him to be here in the morning.

If he stays and waits for a lift, its likely to be hours before they get back. I would feel a bit bad for DD having to explain why DH isn't there for her birthday when she wakes up.

To be fair to DH, it was only last night that he realised the clash...hoping that having had some time to think about it he will reconsider..! But still interested in opinion....

Squitten Sun 13-Oct-13 07:30:11

How old is your DD?

Fugacity Sun 13-Oct-13 07:31:50

It wouldn't bother me or my DCs if DH isn't there when they wake up.

We do the Happy Birthday, cake and presents at supper time.

OrangeSunset Sun 13-Oct-13 07:32:18

She'll be 5. He works long hours so isn't likely to be around much on the next 4/5 birthdays.

confusedwwyd Sun 13-Oct-13 07:33:48

i think shes old enough to understand that daddy will see her on her birthday even if not waking up to him being there.

TidyDancer Sun 13-Oct-13 07:36:00

What time would you anticipate he'd be back in the morning?

How can you predict he won't be around for the next four or five years of birthdays? That can't really form part of the decision on this, you really don't know.

Jinty64 Sun 13-Oct-13 07:37:17

It wouldn't bother me or my dc's. We both work and our dc's are lucky to get a quick happy birthday on the way out the door in the morning. They get presents and a cake in the evening.

Squitten Sun 13-Oct-13 07:37:18

My 5yr old would understand that Daddy won't be there immediately and would be so busy opening his stuff, he probably wouldn't notice!

That said, I wouldn't be explaining anything! It's your DH's job to explain it to her that he won't be there and he can tell her when he'll be home.

Spirulina Sun 13-Oct-13 07:39:28

It's life. Sometimes we miss some of the best bits. He'll be there for most of it, can't see the problem. Daddy appearing later Will give her something extra to look forward to won't it?

sparkle12mar08 Sun 13-Oct-13 07:40:37

Totally unreasonable, sorry smile He's only am hour away, will be back early that morning, I can't see the problem. My dh got tickets to see England play in the six nations at Twickenham on ds 2's third birthday, and was away for the whole day. I encouraged him to go. Your daughter does not need to wake up with daddy in order to be able to celebrate her birthday with him.

froken Sun 13-Oct-13 07:42:58

What sort of present opening traditions do you have in your family? When I was small I'd go into my mums bedroom first thing and open the presents, my dp always had a special family breakfast. If you do something like that it isn't fair for him to be away and for your dd to have to wait for him or not have him there.

Could he drive and then get up at 5/6ish so he is home before the sun comes up?

impatienttobemummy Sun 13-Oct-13 07:43:49

I disagree, I would expect DH to be there if he could. Working is one thing but he is going out with his mates! DS would be gutted if Daddy wasn't there on his birthday. Could he not drive himself? That way he could leave early in the morning?

Flicktheswitch Sun 13-Oct-13 07:45:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

choceyes Sun 13-Oct-13 07:52:41

Wouldn't bother me personally. My ds is 5 next month and he would be more interested in opening presents ( although we'd leave the present opening till the eveningif its a work day).

But my dh would never stay the night away if only an hour away. It would be a waste of money on a hotel room unless he is planning to go out with friends all night- in which case I would not be pleased if he is thentoo ti the next day to enjoy ds' s birthday.

Morgause Sun 13-Oct-13 08:00:15

It's sad for you and your DD but you can't make him want to be there if he doesn't.

He's the one missing out, really.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 13-Oct-13 08:00:56

My DH would come home.

If he is reliant on a mate for a lift then it will be lunchtime because they will all go out and get drunk and then be hungover.

I'm assuming that he won't be around for the next few years because the birthday will fall on a week day when he will be working.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 13-Oct-13 08:02:33

Meh, he'll be there later. Birthdays are a social construct anyway. If he was missing an operation or something it would be an issue.

tumbletumble Sun 13-Oct-13 08:02:53

I think it depends how often he has a night away with his mates. If it's very rare and he is really looking forward to this then YABU. If it happens fairly regularly then YANBU and it would be nice for him to come home early for her birthday.

Florin Sun 13-Oct-13 08:22:06

My husband wouldn't have booked to stay in the first place as he wouldn't want my son dissapointed when he woke up in the first place. It would seem sensible for him to just drive himself and come back in the evening he then get his day out without upsetting your son. If he can't remember his birthday maybe he needs it tattooed on him somewhere so he can't forget again!

PeppermintScreams Sun 13-Oct-13 08:22:51

DP works shifts so is often either asleep or working on birthday mornings. He does try and make an effort for birthdays either going in a bit later (7.30 instead of 6am) or getting out of bed for a bit. DS understands that daddy goes to work and isn't always around.

But at aged 5 DS knows when Daddy is and isn't due to be at home, and would be upset if DP wasn't around on a day he was expecting him to be (like a Sunday for us - DPs non working day) especially if it's a birthday, so YANBU.

Can he get the train back first thing, so he's not relying on a hungover mate? DS would love to go and pick Daddy up from the station. if not, he needs to come back early from the trip.

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 13-Oct-13 08:40:53

Will he be drinking after the sorting event? I would be more worried about a hung over husband rather than when he gets back.

colleysmill Sun 13-Oct-13 08:57:49

The night away wouldn't particularly bother me but the time he gets back the next day would maybe.

My idea of back early isn't necessarily everyone else's and if he's relying on a lift that's kind of out of his and your hands. If he's going to stroll in late afternoon having had stop for lunch and a pint on the way I wouldn't be particularly impressed.

StayAwayFromTheEdge Sun 13-Oct-13 09:15:46

Plenty of shift workers miss part of special days - birthdays, Chrsitmas etc.

DH will miss most of Christmas Eve and Day this year - it is just the way it is.

As long as your DH doesn't return at teatime with an awful hangover, then I wouldn't be too bothered.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 13-Oct-13 09:21:25

I also wouldn't be happy with this arrangement. If it is possible to come back on the day then he probably wants to just catch up and have a few drinks with his friends. Any other time wouldn't be a problem but surely his dd birthday is priority. Sorry but him being rubbish at dates is no excuse of not remembering his own dd birthday.

JGBMum Sun 13-Oct-13 09:28:48

If it means coming home on Saturday or Sunday morning, then yes, I think he could drive himself/ get train, and be home for DDs birthday. Particularly if the staying over option involves lots of drink, then turning up shattered and hungover the next day.

Otoh, if it's a school day, then dd herself will only be there for a short time before leaving for school. So not such a big issue.

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