To think I wasn't rude?

(138 Posts)
Sister77 Fri 11-Oct-13 17:04:58

I was out with some friends last night and the air con was in full blast, I was freezing so I put my jacket on. 2 of my friends who were a bit tipsy started laughing and said yeah we were wondering when you'd complain of cold (hadn't said anything just put my cost on). 1 said its cus you're a skinny Beatch. So I replied in the same "laughing" manner that neither of you will ever have that problem (and may have uttered fat cows).
Well it all went very quiet and one said well that was really rude! So I said why is it ok for you to comment on my weight but not the other way round?
I have health problems which mean I find it difficult to put weight on these people don't know that and to be honest they've got gorgeous figures and are pretty with the best skin ever to boot.
It's just I'm sick of people taking the piss. I may be thin but sometimes I look gaunt and ugly (actually I usually look like this).
It was then sort of swept over and they seemed ok when we left but wibu to be so rude?
They've all been told how I hate being so thin but they still carry on!

Lj8893 Sun 13-Oct-13 14:36:07

Sorry I didn't mean it to come across that way at all. It was 4am in the morning after all, and I was being driven mad by pregnancy insomnia.

What I meant by what I said is that weight shouldn't really determine somebody's size and shape.

Thumbwitch Sun 13-Oct-13 14:29:23

Lj8893 - what you would or wouldn't say about Couthy's weight and size is utterly irrelevant to Couthy. And, in fact, me too. I am not short, I am the same height as you and I can assure you that at 12st, I am fat because I carry it all around my middle and have a waist measurement of 37", which is far too big.

Besides which, this thread is not at all about what you would call fat. It's about people's response to other people calling them skinny or fat.

differentnameforthis Sun 13-Oct-13 08:26:51

Out of interest ... and, humour me ... but why is it rude to call somone who's fat, 'fat'?

It's rude when it is an insult, or meant to hurt.

SlangKing Sun 13-Oct-13 05:45:53

There is no 'scoring' insults - gobshite 3.8, fuckwit 7.1 etc - cuz you never know how the recipient will feel.

Their insult began with "We wondered when,,,,". So, they were talking/laughing about her "skinny aversion to cold" earlier and were eagerly awaiting their opportunity. That's bullying, both overt and covert, which multiplies the effect of any insult.

When the OP responded they could've kept quiet but noooo,, they bonded before she got there. If one reacts the other will follow,, a second opportunity to bully the OP.

Fat cows? Utter cunts, more like. You want ppl like that for friends, OP? I wouldn't waste my breath on 'em.

Lj8893 Sun 13-Oct-13 04:33:11

I'm not particularly tall myself, 5"5. According to Bmi I should weigh about 9st. If I weighed 9st I would look very very ill. My perfect weight would probably be about 11-12 stone. When I weighed 11st I was a perfect size 10. So no I wouldn't call 12st fat (unless your very very short that is!!!)

nooka Sun 13-Oct-13 03:55:00

My son is very very thin and buying clothes for him is very difficult because if you get the length right then they fall off his waist. Literally. Of course he can wear a belt and he used to have trousers with the adjusters inside, but I'd have to pull them right the way up and it was very uncomfortable for him. He could not for example wear jeans. Now he is in adult sizes he can get better fitted clothes, but then they really show off his thinness, which makes him unhappy.

His best buddy is very overweight and has similar problems. Neither are within the norm, and it's an issue for both of them. I would think it just as wrong to call ds a skinny bastard as his buddy a fat bastard, although there is no doubt that ds is very thin and his mate is very fat.

Ironically ds eats an absolute ton, and his friend is very active. Both shapes are due mainly to their genetics, and no I don't consider ds fortunate when he gets so cold swimming that he has to get out way before his friends, or when he feels he needs to wear seven layers in the summer to look OK.

In the same way that 'eat less' is not generally a helpful thing to say to someone overweight, eat more is generally not a helpful thing to say to someone thin.

CouthyMow Sun 13-Oct-13 03:19:32

According to my GP, I should weigh between 8.5 and 9.5 stone. Umm...nope.

CouthyMow Sun 13-Oct-13 03:18:24

12 stone is fat when you're short...

Lj8893 Sun 13-Oct-13 03:06:06

I wouldn't say 12 stone was fat at all.

I also would disagree with the comment about clothing not looking good on anyone under a size 8 or over a size 14.

I have a friend who is a size 6 and dresses very well for her size and shape, lots of clothing looks good on her and the same for myself at a size 16/18, I dress well for my size and shape and all my clothes look good on me (without being big headed) because i know what suits me and what doesn't.
Yes, it would probably be a lot easier to clothes shop if I was a size 10 but that doesn't mean there arnt clothes in the shops that don't look good on me just because I'm over a size 14.

I think commenting on anybody's weight is rude, fat or thin.

CouthyMow Sun 13-Oct-13 02:38:58

And NO, it isn't 'fortunate', or 'one less thing to worry about' if you are 'skinny'.

You have to worry that every time you are under stress that you might become dangerously underweight, that the diet you have to eat in order to look even remotely human rather than a skeleton with skin stretched over it is probably going to cause your arteries to be furred up by the time you are 35, and give you a heart attack.

There's never any clothing in shops that looks good on anyone smaller than a size 8, OR larger than a size 14. Believe me, I've been both.

It's no more 'fortunate' to be 'skinny' than it is to be 'fat'.

CouthyMow Sun 13-Oct-13 02:33:41

I have been every weight under the sun - from the 3.5 stone anorexic teenager, to the 13 stone mother of four.

I can tell you now, that the 'skinny bitch' comments cut me FAR deeper than any fat cow comments ever did.

Even when I got up to a size 6 and resumed normal life, I still got called 'twiglet', 'stick insect' on a daily basis.

I remained skinny (and I was skinny, a bag of bones) until I had my third child and simultaneously went on meds for epilepsy. At which point I got fat.

I still am fat, at 12 stone, but its not going to stop me eating what I want says the person who has just polished off a bag of Doritos and a double chocolate chip cookie...

I've lost a stone in the last two months - but only because I've moved more. And not through choice! grin

If someone calls me far, I can look at my spare tyre s, laugh and say yep, I am, but it beats the Hell out of the alternative, being made to feel like an outcast for being a skinny bitch, being the butt of everyone else's jealous digs when all I wanted was to be a normal weight.

I couldn't give two craps if someone called me fat right now, that isn't hurtful to me, it's true! But I got looked up on fb recently by one of my old school acquaintances, and the first thing they typed was "Hi Twiglet", and it brought all the pain rushing back. No, I didn't reply!

If you are fat, take a minute to think how you are affected by people calling you fat. Well, not many people that are 5 stone overweight like me can brush it off like I can. However, and its a BIG however, not all 'skinny' people can brush off your comments about their weight either. Very few might be like I am about being called fat - which tbh I see personally as FAR more of a compliment than being called skinny - but to the majority it is just as hurtful as someone calling you fat.

Why comment on people's weight anyway? Whether slim or curvy, someone will not be happy with their weight.

Call me fat, lardy, chubba, I don't care. Call me skinny, Twiglet, stick insect, I will be deeply hurt.

(My anorexia was through competing in a martial art based on weight categories and pure and simple food phobias, not 'fat' comments)

dubstarr73 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:40:54

No you werent rude and i say that as a fa person,if they can give it they should take it.Maybe they might think twice the next time.I hate this you can say anything to someone who is thin.I know i was very thin for years and i got the same sort of stuff said to me.If they can dish it,they should ake it

Thumbwitch Sun 13-Oct-13 00:34:51

"I think what is happening here is that thin women are thinking how they would feel in the OP's position and women who are not thin are thinking how much the 'fat cow' remark would have stung them"

I think that is exactly what is happening here, MrsDV, exactly. People are identifying with one or the other, and taking offence or thinking it was justified as appropriate.

People need to have a little more empathy and think about it all from the point of view MrsDV is making - weight and size just should not be commented upon! - rather than projecting their own feelings about their own size onto the discussion.

itsn0tmeitsyou Sat 12-Oct-13 23:07:43

Exactly. Everyone thinks about things from their own pov - and I guess I have honestly never realised there's so much skinny-bashing, so I am guessing lots of other people don't either - I pay a great deal more attention to anything in the media/conversation that might be anti-my size, and have never had reason to notice that women who are smaller than size 8 (I sort of didn't really realise it was possible to be much smaller than that, actually, it's just never been on my radar) have a hard time too.

Now, has anyone got any cake? grin

MrsDeVere Sat 12-Oct-13 23:00:08

ahh now don't sigh heavily Itsn0t smile

I think we are pretty much all on the same side here even if it doesn't seem like it.

Our society is fecked when it comes to weight issues and women.

No one wins.

But I won't pretend that overweight women can be models or see images of themselves portrayed as beautiful in mainstream media. They can't.

But what Hester is saying about comments on-line is true. However much the media sells us the image of the thinner the better, the nasty comments tell us otherwise.

But then pictures of 'fat' women are regularly passed round FB for ridicule.

Fact is, the idea is impossible to achieve without surgery. Thin women tend not to have massive breasts. It not a natural body shape (although there will always be exceptions to the rule).

But we are supposed to be a size 0 with DD+ norks. confused

I think what is happening here is that thin women are thinking how they would feel in the OP's position and women who are not thin are thinking how much the 'fat cow' remark would have stung them

Which is understandable.

HesterShaw Sat 12-Oct-13 22:42:13

I don't want to fight either smile.

I just wish people would keep their comments to themselves. It's not right to make remarks to someone about their shape and size.

Women are all women.

HesterShaw Sat 12-Oct-13 22:40:31

Skinny good, fat bad

Sorry, but that's not right. Sorry to bang on about this again, but you mean slim with a decent set of boobs = "good", not skinny. Skinny implies sticky out ribs and no hips and flat chested. This is not what people mean. You only have to look at the comments on, for example, the Daily Mail, to see the kind of rude comments the latter attracts e.g "give me a real woman any day, EAT MORE, eat a pie, eurgh, how unfeminine" and so on and so on. You only have to see the vitriolic comments someone like Kate Moss and Keira Knightley attract. Keira is very thin and the kind of crap people talk about her must be pretty hurtful, no matter how beautiful she actually is.

itsn0tmeitsyou Sat 12-Oct-13 22:36:45

<sighs heavily>

I don't know what to say. I am not angry with anyone. I have never tried to insult anyone, or called anyone skinny to my recollection. I have a view, and I have experiences, and I was just trying to put the other side, as it seemed there wasn't a balanced view. I feel like because I am pretty much the only one attempting to put another view I am now the whipping boy (not including you in that MrsD, I think you seem to have a rational view on the whole thing).

Actually, I think the people who talk about weight and obsess about image are the ones in the middle, who are neither naturally very thin or actually overweight. In that case, people at either end of the scale are natural allies. But I guess it's AIBU, so we have to fight.

I don't really care anymore now MrsD's talked about her daughter. I just feel really sad about that.

comewinewithmoi Sat 12-Oct-13 22:28:52

People don't see fat in the same way as skinny. Skinny good, fat bad. Not right. Ywau

HesterShaw Sat 12-Oct-13 22:26:56

Actually I see your point after my outburst. My apologies.

Yes there are clothes available. However they don't fit.

WoTmania Sat 12-Oct-13 22:22:18

They engineered the circumstances (air con down) to get a reaction so they could be rude and nasty and then got upset when she snapped back hogwash. Maybe if they don't want someone to comment on what they look like or weigh they shouldnot pllay childish and petty games

HesterShaw Sat 12-Oct-13 22:22:11

HesterShaw - if you can't buy clothes you feel good in that is because of your own body image issues, not because there aren't actually clothes in the shops.

Absolute bloody tosh. You don't know what you're talking about.

Clothes are getting bigger as people generally get bigger (as stated on the other thread). For those people who remain very thin, there are few clothes available. They are not making sizes 4 and 6 (the equivalent of what 8s and 10s used to be). Therefore people with very narrow frames either have to have saggy, gapey clothes, or wear children's clothes (not an option for those who are tall and thin). I am not about to make this thread all about me by describing my exact shape to you - you will have to take my word for it.

MrsDeVere Sat 12-Oct-13 22:13:58

No it isn't.
I don't find it acceptable. Because you find it more acceptable doesn't mean it is.
They didn't say she was too thin.
They called her a skinny beatch.

Hogwash Sat 12-Oct-13 22:07:26

They were rude, you were ruder.

They don't know about your health condition, but you called them fat, pretty much. It's not socially acceptable to call people fat, poor, thick, though it is acceptable to call people too-thin, weathy, geeky.

MrsDeVere Sat 12-Oct-13 21:56:20

Itsn0t I realise that my post may have seemed like a bit of an angry rant against you but it really wasn't meant to be. smile

I wasn't being funny with you. I took privileged at face value, it doesn't really mean the same as fortunate.

I absolutely agree that being overweight brings stuff that I do not have to deal with. I like being able to wear pretty much what I want.

My rant was not directed at you but rather at a society that puts so much value on being thin that thin people are seen as lucky.

I refused to have a set of scales in my house. I particularly didn't want my DD thinking about weighing herself. Lots of her friends did and were talking about their weight at the age of 10!

Yet when my DD lost weight and her appetite who was blamed? Me.
Apparently it was me who was causing this by giving her my food issues. It was bound to happen sooner or later. What can you expect when you have a mother who needs a good meal inside her?

She had cancer ffs!

When she stopped eating, before we knew what was wrong, I remember saying to DH 'You know I am going to get the blame for this don't you?' And I did.

Despite never having dieted in my life.

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